Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 18 - Oct. 24
Mary, will be thinking of Patty and sending prayers. Will look forward to hearing how it went when you are able to get back on-line.
Flashbacks. I don't know if this is so much a flashback as having a cringe worthy memory come to the front of my mind. Yesterday a guy gave the lead who relapsed in January of this year after 17 years of sobriety. When he first came back to AA shortly after he drank, he said "I'm not going to drink any more. But it was a conscious choice to drink and I DID control it." Well, I hadn't seen him since shortly after he said that.
I guess like we all hear, that feeling of "control" over AL didn't last long. I guess over the weekend his family did an intervention with him. 10 family members greeted him in his living room when he came home from wherever he was. He seemed rather humble this time about the cunning, baffling and powerful nature of AL, and his addiction to it. I still find it so hard to believe that after 17 years around the table it's possible to believe that "now I can control it." But it happens. I need to stay very, very humble and never ever ever get the notion that I have the upper hand when it comes to AL. My ONLY power is to NOT take the first drink.
Anyway...his description of the intervention reminded me of my last corporate job. I worked from home and the boss was in Buffalo. I was drinking during the day, and sometimes thinking I was "not so bad" and answering the phone "tipsy" (DRUNK). He called me on it a few times. I'm sure for each time he said something, there were countless other occassions when he didn't. He scheduled a meeting with me for a "performance review" and flew into town. I was to meet him at the airport. Imagine the huge knot in my stomach when he walked off the plane with a woman I did not know, and introduced her as the HR lady.
That would have been an ideal time to admit I had a problem. The company offers Employee Assistance for addiction issues. I could have asked for help. But I did not. I denied denied denied. I weasled my way out of serious trouble (which took a lot of doing as the HR lady was a smart HR lady). And I kept drinking. At that point, I started strategizing on how I could get out of that job. Not how I could get out of my drinking. I "decided" I had to stop drinking during business hours but I don't think I even made it one day.
How sick is that? It was good to be reminded. I'm so very grateful I don't live like that today.
Mary, my ability to hide it got less and less as my need to drink outgrew my ability to hide it.
Rebirth, I can relate to the guilt and shame as you describe it. And things often trigger memories AL would rather have me forget.
Dance, I didn't see my excessive drinking as a problem in my younger days either. I can look back now and in hindsight, see that I was definitely on the path going to where alcoholism leads. The same antics that just seem "wild" when one is 20 become "pathetic" when one is 40 I think. (at least that's the way I view the things I used to do..)
I'm glad you guys are here. Mary, will be thinking of you and Patty.
DG
Mary, will be thinking of Patty and sending prayers. Will look forward to hearing how it went when you are able to get back on-line.
Flashbacks. I don't know if this is so much a flashback as having a cringe worthy memory come to the front of my mind. Yesterday a guy gave the lead who relapsed in January of this year after 17 years of sobriety. When he first came back to AA shortly after he drank, he said "I'm not going to drink any more. But it was a conscious choice to drink and I DID control it." Well, I hadn't seen him since shortly after he said that.
I guess like we all hear, that feeling of "control" over AL didn't last long. I guess over the weekend his family did an intervention with him. 10 family members greeted him in his living room when he came home from wherever he was. He seemed rather humble this time about the cunning, baffling and powerful nature of AL, and his addiction to it. I still find it so hard to believe that after 17 years around the table it's possible to believe that "now I can control it." But it happens. I need to stay very, very humble and never ever ever get the notion that I have the upper hand when it comes to AL. My ONLY power is to NOT take the first drink.
Anyway...his description of the intervention reminded me of my last corporate job. I worked from home and the boss was in Buffalo. I was drinking during the day, and sometimes thinking I was "not so bad" and answering the phone "tipsy" (DRUNK). He called me on it a few times. I'm sure for each time he said something, there were countless other occassions when he didn't. He scheduled a meeting with me for a "performance review" and flew into town. I was to meet him at the airport. Imagine the huge knot in my stomach when he walked off the plane with a woman I did not know, and introduced her as the HR lady.
That would have been an ideal time to admit I had a problem. The company offers Employee Assistance for addiction issues. I could have asked for help. But I did not. I denied denied denied. I weasled my way out of serious trouble (which took a lot of doing as the HR lady was a smart HR lady). And I kept drinking. At that point, I started strategizing on how I could get out of that job. Not how I could get out of my drinking. I "decided" I had to stop drinking during business hours but I don't think I even made it one day.
How sick is that? It was good to be reminded. I'm so very grateful I don't live like that today.
Mary, my ability to hide it got less and less as my need to drink outgrew my ability to hide it.
Rebirth, I can relate to the guilt and shame as you describe it. And things often trigger memories AL would rather have me forget.
Dance, I didn't see my excessive drinking as a problem in my younger days either. I can look back now and in hindsight, see that I was definitely on the path going to where alcoholism leads. The same antics that just seem "wild" when one is 20 become "pathetic" when one is 40 I think. (at least that's the way I view the things I used to do..)
I'm glad you guys are here. Mary, will be thinking of you and Patty.
DG
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