AF Daily-SATURDAY Nov 13!
Greenie, it's a Miss manners column (pasted below). Gotta hit the hay--my painting arms are sore. Busy day here! Sleep tight, all. xoxoxo Pride
Miss Manners: Saying No Without Feeling Guilty
Dear Miss Manners,
I am a happily married woman with no children. I like children, for the most part, but do not have any desire to have any of my own at this time. I also have a wonderful job that allows me to work from home, about 20-30 hours per week, so I have a slightly flexible schedule.
Here is the problem: I am constantly being asked to watch friends' children for them "for just an hour or so" while they run to the dentist, doctor or various other meetings. Normally, I don’t mind and like to help them out and spend time with the kids, but recently, I have been feeling guilty when I really want to say "no" to these people because I don't feel like being around their children, yet I don’t have a valid excuse for doing so.
On the one hand, I feel as though my time is important, too—I work, run a household and like to have some free time to do things I enjoy. (Hence the not having children myself part!) On the other hand, I feel that if I can watch the kids because I haven't planned anything for that particular afternoon or evening (yet), I should do it. I do not know why I feel like this, but it is really starting to aggravate me when the same people ask me 2-3 times a month or more to watch their children for them and offer me nothing in return, as if they are doing me a favor by "letting" me watch their children.
I feel like I am basically a free babysitter. I have a college degree and a wonderful part-time job! Why do I feel obligated to say yes to these people?! What can I do to stop feeling this way, short of planning out my entire week in advance so that I am not lying to them when I say, "Sorry, I can't, I have plans"… I am not a planning type of person.
________
Gentle Reader,
Why do you feel guilty in refusing to do favors repeatedly for people who do not reciprocate? Why do you feel you need an excuse not to watch other people's children? Why do you feel obliged to say yes to every request? For that matter, why do you feel you must justify your desire to enjoy your free time?
You get to answer these questions. Miss Manners is very sorry, but she does not deal in angst. Perhaps as a result of never having done anything incorrect herself, she must recuse herself in matters involving free-floating guilt with no sensible cause.
She can, however, assure you that your predicament cannot be blamed on manners. Neighborliness requires you to help out in emergencies, sometimes at inconvenience to yourself, but it does not require you to compensate for the poor planning of those who know they have appointments and meetings coming up and should make arrangements accordingly. Particularly affable neighborliness might include the exchange of chores—you watch the children, and they save you a trip by picking up something you need, for example. But mutual assistance does not seem to be operating here.
The etiquette advice you need is how to say no politely. You do it cheerfully, with apologies but no excuses. "I'm so sorry, I can’t this time; I hope you find someone" is all that is necessary.
Greenie, it's a Miss manners column (pasted below). Gotta hit the hay--my painting arms are sore. Busy day here! Sleep tight, all. xoxoxo Pride
Miss Manners: Saying No Without Feeling Guilty
Dear Miss Manners,
I am a happily married woman with no children. I like children, for the most part, but do not have any desire to have any of my own at this time. I also have a wonderful job that allows me to work from home, about 20-30 hours per week, so I have a slightly flexible schedule.
Here is the problem: I am constantly being asked to watch friends' children for them "for just an hour or so" while they run to the dentist, doctor or various other meetings. Normally, I don’t mind and like to help them out and spend time with the kids, but recently, I have been feeling guilty when I really want to say "no" to these people because I don't feel like being around their children, yet I don’t have a valid excuse for doing so.
On the one hand, I feel as though my time is important, too—I work, run a household and like to have some free time to do things I enjoy. (Hence the not having children myself part!) On the other hand, I feel that if I can watch the kids because I haven't planned anything for that particular afternoon or evening (yet), I should do it. I do not know why I feel like this, but it is really starting to aggravate me when the same people ask me 2-3 times a month or more to watch their children for them and offer me nothing in return, as if they are doing me a favor by "letting" me watch their children.
I feel like I am basically a free babysitter. I have a college degree and a wonderful part-time job! Why do I feel obligated to say yes to these people?! What can I do to stop feeling this way, short of planning out my entire week in advance so that I am not lying to them when I say, "Sorry, I can't, I have plans"… I am not a planning type of person.
________
Gentle Reader,
Why do you feel guilty in refusing to do favors repeatedly for people who do not reciprocate? Why do you feel you need an excuse not to watch other people's children? Why do you feel obliged to say yes to every request? For that matter, why do you feel you must justify your desire to enjoy your free time?
You get to answer these questions. Miss Manners is very sorry, but she does not deal in angst. Perhaps as a result of never having done anything incorrect herself, she must recuse herself in matters involving free-floating guilt with no sensible cause.
She can, however, assure you that your predicament cannot be blamed on manners. Neighborliness requires you to help out in emergencies, sometimes at inconvenience to yourself, but it does not require you to compensate for the poor planning of those who know they have appointments and meetings coming up and should make arrangements accordingly. Particularly affable neighborliness might include the exchange of chores—you watch the children, and they save you a trip by picking up something you need, for example. But mutual assistance does not seem to be operating here.
The etiquette advice you need is how to say no politely. You do it cheerfully, with apologies but no excuses. "I'm so sorry, I can’t this time; I hope you find someone" is all that is necessary.
ray:
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