Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

I took Sister to an eye appointment yesterday. We exchanged Christmas cards and little gifts. She has been having trouble reading with her recent eye problems. When I was at Soberfest, I picked up a Big Book on CD for her. She gave me a booklet that lists ALL the meetings across the Chicagoland area. She is supportive of my goal to broaden my horizons and change up my meetings I guess! :H

Mr. Doggy has a "Birds of North America" book and he checks off the birds that he sees. Maybe I will do something similar with my meeting book.

j-vo, I think it is a really positive experience to be in meetings with ALL kinds of people. I'm realizing that so many of my old prejudices and discomforts around people "not like me" were really self-limiting fears. Realizing that I have common ground with a wide range of people is such a positive and mind opening experience. That is one of the many gifts of AA for me.

DG

[Choochie]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

DG - thanks for this post - think I will make sure I get out of my comfort zone (eventually) and try different meetings.

Jvo - what a contrast. Interesting to say the least. I like what DG says about what a gift it is to find that common thread with others we didn't think we could relate to -- renews one's faith in people, I think.

Dancelot - should you drop in today. Just curious. Why did you decide just now to get a sponsor? You really waited a long time and I was wondering if you could speak a little more about that.

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Choochie

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

Hi Everyone: I'm just checking in & reading the posts. Very helpful indeed. Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

Top 10 reasons I didn't want a sponsor:

1. I was afraid of anyone knowing I'm not REALLY perfect.
2. I don't like accepting criticism, constructive or otherwise. That bursts my bubble.
3. Working the steps by myself sure seemed a lot easier to me.
4. I am afraid of close relationships.
5. I don't like anyone telling me what to do.
6. I'm afraid of people putting demands on me.
7. I don't like committment. I'd rather do what I want to when I feel like it.
8. What if it doesn't work out? I have no good skills in changing relationships or "breaking up." I don't want to deal with that.
9. Everyone says "get a sponsor! Get a sponsor!" and I don't like doing what "everyone says." (i.e. I don't like taking suggestions)
10. I dont' think I need a sponsor.

Top 10 reasons I'm glad I got a sponsor:

1. I still fight my perfectionism, but I'm getting better with the help of my sponsor. I'm benefiting in my sobriety from all the experience of those who have gone before me. I'm no longer alone. It's freeing.
2. I'm learning to accept criticism without taking it a personal attack. This is a growth experience I have needed in my life for a long time. It's freeing.
3. Working the steps with a sponsor gives a practical perspective on it that I could not figure out on my own. It is freeing to admit that I don't "know it all" and openly learn from someone else.
4. I am learning to trust people and I'm gradually getting OK with closer relationships. I still have a long way to go, but even a little progress is freeing.
5. I am learning to deal with suggestions - whether I do it that way or not. And learning that a strong relationship can survive that. Wow. That is...well, I suppose you're figuring out that I think this is all very freeing.
6. I am learning to deal with my fear of letting someone down. I do my best and that is all I can do. It's...
7. I'm learning that to benefit from being close to people requires that I give back. I'm getting more OK about committment and how it benefits me too.
8. I have changed sponsors and it has been a growth experience in handling relationships. And now I am friends with my first sponsor. Never before AA would I have "broken up" with someone and been able to befriend them in a different type of relationship. Wow. It was difficult to go through it, but what a blessing to learn I can do this.
9. Wow. Who knew. Some people are wiser than me. I can lean on them sometimes.! Light bulb moment!
10. I need a sponsor. I actually love having a sponsor. I have such clarity on this when I am faced with a decision and am now willing to seek the input of my sponsor. I love not being totally alone with every decision in my life. IT'S FREEING!!!

2 cents and a big ol' sandwich.

DG

[Choochie]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

DG - great post. How does one choose a sponsor? Is it just a gut level thing or do you wait and listen to them speak to see if you think you might click?

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

Choochie;1020679 wrote: DG - great post. How does one choose a sponsor? Is it just a gut level thing or do you wait and listen to them speak to see if you think you might click?

I think it's a combination of factors. Listen to what they have to say (and give that a little time). Listen to your gut. Get input from others. Start with an arrangement that you both agree is temporary. Technically, there is no such thing as a PERMANENT - engraved in stone - sponsor so they are all temporary. But calling it temporary at first leaves both of you an easy out if it's not working. Or, someone might not be in a situation to take on a long term sponsee, but be willing to help get you started for a short time. That would be another valid 'temporary sponsor' situation.

As an example, I took on a sponsee on a temporary basis who was primarily a prescription drug addict. I was happy to help in the near term, but encouraged her to find a longer term sponsor who was also a drug addict and therefore could more directly relate. (this too was a growth experience for me - not trying to be "perfect" and "all things to all people." And of course I got through this by getting input from my own sponsor)

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

In some of my groups, there is a section in the preamble which asks if there is anyone who would volunteer to be a "temporary" sponsor. I think they use the word temporary in case the match is not entirely compatible. I too changed sponsors & remained friends w/my first one. In my case, I wanted a woman sponsor. I chose her because:
-she was a regular at meetings...many meetgs.
-she had plenty of sobriety 20+ years.
-she & I are the same age.
-she & I have similar lifestyles.
-she & I got off the elevator at about the same floor.

My new sponsor is a lot more laid-back than my last sponsor. However, this is just what I need right now. I've already done the steps & now feel that I need a more leisurely approach to them. You'll know your sponsor when you are around him/her. All you can do is ask. If he/she has too many sponsees, not enough time, or any other constraint, he/she will let you know. Don't take it personally if the first few people you ask have to say "no."

Mary

[Choochie]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

DG and Mary - It really helps to know a bit about protocol before one just jumps in. Setting it up initially as temporary is brilliant - gives everyone an out if the chemistry is not there (or for the other reasons you listed).

Just curious - once you've worked through the steps, then what role does the sponsor fill? Also, how long does one need to be sober in order to sponsor someone else - a year?

Invaluable information from you both - thanks so much!:l

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

Choochie, there are no official written qualifications for sponsoring as far as I know. So this is another subject where there are many opinions.

One of the things I learned through experience (the school of hard knocks kind LOL) is that I want a sponsor who has completed all of the steps. There is a saying that you can't share what you don't have. If my main goal with a sponsor is to learn the steps, then I need a sponsor who has learned them all from their sponsor(s). My first sponsor was sober 5 years. I just assumed she had gone through all of the steps at least one time. I found out mid stream that she had not.

As Mary said, you will get a good feel for people after going to meetings for a while and something will feel right.

DG

[Choochie]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

Ahh, ok DG - that sounds right. Thanks!

One more question for anyone stopping by - do you just ask the person or do they come to you, or does it work both ways?

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

All you have to do is ask. Where I attend meetings, it is really up to the sponsee to ask for the sponsor - not the other way around. Someone might offer to sponsor you, but (IMO) should not be pushy about it. Before I had my first sponsor, a lot of people would ask if I had a sponsor and when I told them "no," encourage me to get one. That is all normal. Saying "thanks for your input" is plenty if you don't wish to talk about it more than that.

DG

[j-vo]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

How ironic the topic is "sponsors." I've decided my sponsor is not a good fit for myself. For the past 1 1/2 months, I've gotten negative vibes from her. It turns out that she thinks I'm working my program to "casually." What I know is that I do something AA related daily, I read my big book, go to three meetings a week - one discussion which is my home group, one speaker, and one big book study. I thought I was working my problem and balancing it with all of my other responsibilities very well. My husband has commented, when I told him what she said, is that he sees so many positive changes in me in the past 4 months. Life is so good now. Well, I guess she has certain expectations, her number one being that I go to her house with her other sponsees on Tues. evenings when it's difficult at times for me to go there because of my schedule. Well, I guess tomorrow I'll see her, and if she has time, I'll talk to her about this. I do need to break off this relationship. I'm not comfortable in it, and I need my program to meet my needs. Very down tonight because of this. Have a good night.

[lucky 2.0]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

Good feedback everyone. Thanks. I benefited from reading this thread tonight. Guess it is a thread I will have to check in more often on. Sometimes I just prefer the F*UCK Thread!

Anyway, I like the energy of the folks here and wish us all well on our journeys. Thank you all for being here and sharing.

xo

[Choochie]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

Jvo, well I am obviously new to this, but it sure doesn't seem right that she would not be happy with what you're doing. It sounds like a lot to me - more than I would be able to fit into a week. I would think that it's critical to have the right connection with your sponsor. It would sure be a downer to feel like you weren't meeting their expections - seems like your expectations should be what really matters.

I'll look forward to hearing what some of the long-timers have to say.


xx,
Choochie

[dancelot]

Weekly AA Thread Dec. 6 thru Dec. 12

Choochie;1020568 wrote: Dancelot - should you drop in today. Just curious. Why did you decide just now to get a sponsor? You really waited a long time and I was wondering if you could speak a little more about that.
Choochie
Because now I'm ready (?). I had a lot of the same reasons DG gave why she didn't want one.

DG Top 10 reasons I didn't want a sponsor:

1. I was afraid of anyone knowing I'm not REALLY perfect.
2. I don't like accepting criticism, constructive or otherwise. That bursts my bubble.
3. Working the steps by myself sure seemed a lot easier to me.
4. I am afraid of close relationships.
5. I don't like anyone telling me what to do.
6. I'm afraid of people putting demands on me.
7. I don't like committment. I'd rather do what I want to when I feel like it.
8. What if it doesn't work out? I have no good skills in changing relationships or "breaking up." I don't want to deal with that.
9. Everyone says "get a sponsor! Get a sponsor!" and I don't like doing what "everyone says." (i.e. I don't like taking suggestions)
10. I dont' think I need a sponsor.

I'll add: I'm a major procrastinator - if something is not right in front of my face, it's nowhere near my mind. That's part of ADD (and of those components that explains why it's classified as a disorder - because it screws up your life). What's called "executive function," which includes planning and organizing, is pretty much non existent, as is a concept of time (I understand clocks, just not actual time. ADDers are rarely on time for anything, no matter how much planning we attempt, and believe me, we work like hell, and it's mentally exhausting). Last year could be last week. Intellectually and looking at the calender I get it, but it feels exactly the same. If it's not in front of my face right now, it doesn't exist.


I still sometimes believe deep down I must be perfect, and fear how others will react to me if I'm not.


Fear - particularly about the making amends part, to one person in particular. What my sponsor said, was by the time I get to that point, I will be a stronger, less fearful person than I am now, and I will be comfortable handling things differently. That's kind of what sealed the deal for me. I've never actually sat down and talked one on one with anyone about this. Having someone listen to my fears and explain it in detail made a world of difference. She also goes very slowly. She said step 1 usually takes a month to 6 weeks (I'm fine with that).


I also have been feeling very "stuck" in every area of my life - like my entire life is on hold - and it's been this way for years. It used to be a couple of things, now it is literally every area of my life - and I need to change it.


I've been noticing some people with less sober time than me getting way ahead of me (I know it's not a race - I think it just brought the "stuck" idea to the forefront).


Someone else shared a fabulous story of something that appeared a negative, actually turning into a very positive, totally unexpected result in another area of their life - which couldn't have happened without the first one. She also shared that without all the work she's put into it (AA), learning new ways to live, etc, it wouldn't have been possible. It was eye opening, as it was the total opposite of my life. Like I heard a "ding" and a lightbulb went off.


There have been a lot of newcomers lately. Something, maybe the fact I don't have that much more AA experience than they do (other than more meetings), and maybe the fact that a couple of them seem drawn to me (?), and realizing I could maybe be more helpful if I was working the program more(?). I'm not sure if that's it, but something's been nagging at me. There was another woman at that meeting who will have a year sober this week. She's not someone I see a lot. When I first saw her in August, she was new to our group. She is older than me, and is an addict as well as an alcoholic. She seems like someone who has had a hard life, and maybe a pretty low bottom. She also appeared very committed, but was someone I feared for. Well she's still at it, she's still committed, when she shared it was very moving. Her sponsor is much younger, and very sweet looking, but they obviously work very well together. That was so cool to see too.


Some people are ready to jump right in and get going. For me it would be too much at once, and if my brain gets overloaded with information, or too many people talking at me, it literally shuts down. I'm back on ADD meds, which helps a lot with that aspect.


I really do like that there are no firm set in stone rules as to how to go about it, or what time line. That works for me.


Oh yeah, this sort of came about by accident. I was talking about this stuff, and she asked who my sponsor was (haha). Then she asked if I would like her to get me started (that sounds so much less serious). It still took me a few days to decide. If I can start, I can progress (slowly but surely). She will be moving out of state in a couple months, so this may well be temporary. Then again there's e-mail and phones, so who knows? For now I'm happy to get started. Another member who is a lot like me personality wise told me her sponsor is a "really good one for people like us," she never feels forced, etc. When I thought about, I think she's right. So I will deal with that when it comes up, and I'm sure the sponsor I've got now will put it on my daily "to do" list. I'm not going to waste her time by not listening to her.

luCKy Anyway, I like the energy of the folks here and wish us all well on our journeys. Thank you all for being here and sharing.

That is exactly why I started coming around here. I found it very serene or something.

Have a great weekend everybody - I hope you had everyone had an extra sandwich handy! :h