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**NoraC** · January 10, 2011, 12:43 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Hi Mary. I was wondering if I could join this little group? I am just starting to attend AA and have started lurking here. I have gone to two meetings so far. Hoping to attend another one tonight.
I too am the one that takes care of everyone. I just had that discussion with my Therapist on Saturday and she again told me that I can not take care of everyone else in the world. I need to focus on myself right now.
Hope that I'm not intruding here.
Thanks.......

**Kimberley** · January 10, 2011, 12:53 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Hi all,
Mary - I think you have the right attitude - it would help neither you nor her for you to become the one person who is her 'rock' if you like. I don't know how big the AA network is where you are, but I believe that one of the reasons why you should take as many numbers as you can is that then you have a whole load of people to support you, so no one person has to take the brunt of it all. And also for the person who needs help, it is useful to have several people to call because then if something happens to their 'rock' - relapse, holiday, moving away etc - they won't completely collapse with no support.

I am having a tough day today. I thought my sleeping was sorting itself out, but it was worse again yesterday - all I wanted was to sleep and weird things kept popping into my head and keeping me awake. Old songs, memories, things I have to sort out over the coming week, worries about the situation with my (ex?) boyfriend, sadness. Agh. So I didn't sleep until about 7am and then have slept until 3pm. I am very teary and shaky and feel like I'm constantly going to burst out crying (am being sparing with the mascara today). So I am looking forward to getting to a meeting tonight and being in that comforting place where I know I am safe. No intention of drinking or anything, but I don't want to be alone with this feeling cos it's horrible.

The weirdest thing is that I don't really know where it's come from. Although last week was terrifying and difficult, I was feeling really positive. I had even become a bit sort of indifferent about my imminent break-up. Not indifferent exactly, but it mattered less, as did all my other worries. Especially as I have this new focus in my life.

So I am getting up now and looking forward to going to a meeting and possibly a long walk afterwards if I feel up to it - walking is one of my coping mechanisms. (What do I mean, one of? It's my ONLY one so far!)

Anyway hope you're all having a better day than me!
K x

**retteacher** · January 10, 2011, 12:55 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Nora: Please feel free to share. I really like it when new people come into this thread. I put my sobriety first, because wo/it, I'm literally doomed. So, if caretaking, taking responsibility for others, helping others too much, etc. is getting to me, then I know I'm putting my sobriety in jeopardy. I must do the next right thing for the next right reason. Trying to fix another person's life is not the next right thing. That's not what Bill W meant by the 12th step. He makes it pretty clear that helping another alcoholic means helping when he/she is ready to be helped. If he/she is still wallowing around in whatever mess they have created, then perhaps they need to hit some kind of bottom. It's not my place to raise someone else's bottom. I hope this all makes sense & doesn't sound too harsh.Mary

**Kimberley** · January 10, 2011, 01:07 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

ps YaY Nora!!!

**dancelot** · January 10, 2011, 01:59 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Hi everyone! Great stuff last week! It's great to see so many new people getting involved in AA and this wonderful thread.

I writing this before all the replies that came after Mary's first post, so if it sounds off topic, that's why! I'll come back and reply fully in another post. I missed my meeting last night, so I think I'm trying to make up for it before tonight's! So quick welcome, Nora - and Kimberley - I know Kimberley's been here a few days, I just haven't posted this last week since you came (I don't think!).

I'm getting more into the making friends thing too (in my usual step by tiny step fashion). I'm feeling more and more like I'm getting together with a group of friends I love than just going to a meeting. I look forward to the hanging around afterward and talking to everyone and meeting different people too. That might not sound like much, but it's huge to me.

I started working with my sponsor, and we are on Step 1. This part is on Bill's Story. She gave me an assignment (she has a workbook she sends me questions from) to find myself in there, as well as finding where Bill comes to various points and realizations in his own drinking and recovery.

I really see why they say, "don't do this on your own." I read it over several times, I found where he did this and that, but didn't always "see myself." Until I started thinking... basically the point was to look at my own drinking history. Strange how I "thought" it was only really bad the last couple of years. I had put all the blatant bad behavior aside, attributed it to "reckless youth" or something. My "mature" self's denial was "since I no longer put myself in obvious dangerous situations, don't get into arguments or fights, don't drive drunk," I'm OK. I was "only" isolated, secretive, dishonest, and had all the wonderful results that got me. But I must be "OK," since my outer behavior wasn't so obviously flat out crazy. Recently I heard someone describe her inner life as what had become unmanageable. That puts a new perspective on that phrase we hear over and over.

What I saw was like watching a movie of a young woman who is clearly out of control. Even remembering the high points, I remember too well what she felt like on the inside. Alternating between extreme highs to the lowest lows. What I felt was an overwhelming sadness for her. I was not physically addicted at that time, but I sure as hell was an alcoholic, no ifs, ands, or buts.

My sponsor told me these emotions are normal (I made a point to ask). The good thing is, I am able to work through them differently than I would have in the past. Maybe it's the point of being ready, just like I think it took me this long to be ready to get a sponsor (or maybe willing?). In me it's also about being able to feel feelings honestly, and accept them such. For most of my life, I used to literally shut down in stressful situations (unless I felt cornered and especially drunk and cornered - then the beast was out of her cage. Unfortunately the beast had a way of doing way more damage to herself than whoever she was up against). The person who shut down did a more subtle damage. Right now she's learning to be less afraid, and is learning to relate to others, and form healthy, honest bonds with others. Slowly but surely.

Anyway, I am happy to be doing this. I met with my sponsor Saturday, and will meet her again this week to go over the rest of it. Being able to get honest without fear of recrimination, and having someone who understands exactly what it was like, and to receive guidance from them is wonderful and feels very healing. I am so grateful to have found AA (and you guys too!). It's a journey that keeps unfolding. Kind of like, when I'm ready (or maybe just willing), it will be revealed.

I found out on Thursday that a very dear friend had passed away. He was actually one of the few drinking buddies I ever had, but there was a stronger bond than that. He was one of the first people my own age I knew was "a real alcoholic." He was one of a group of very crazy gay guys/art people/hard partiers I hung out with in my third "attempt" at college. :huh: I reconnected with him after 30 years 14 months ago, via good old modern technology. He'd actually believed I was long dead. The rumor was I died in a double suicide with my crazy boyfriend in the early 80s (told you I was train wreck!). He described how distraught he was over hearing this. Somewhere in this time frame, his always extremely heavy drinking increased, even by his standards. He began having blackouts, which he'd never had before. A few months later he quit for good. That was 26 years ago.

I went to a candlelight meditation meeting that night. My sponsor was there, who reminded me to call when I need to. That's how emotionally disconnected I am still. It doesn't even occur to me as an option. I did speak at the end when we went around the room. I was thinking about passing. She said I did the right thing - and if I had said I was going to pass, she would have elbowed me (she said this in a nice way). I spent most of that meditation with tears running down my face. I decided if I couldn't meditate it was OK. What I did was feel my feelings authentically. I had cried when I heard the news earlier, then kept going back to old numb me - my old comfort zone (the one with no comfort).

I had one of those "there's no such thing as a coincidence" moments right before I left for that meeting. On another forum, someone posted the Youtube of the end of the Waltons TV show (goodnight John-Boy, goodnight Jim-Bob, etc). That was a running joke between my friend and me. The secret "vice" we had in common was we both loved the Waltons. Once we discovered our mutual secret, we used to turn out the lights and watch it on his little black & white TV, and drink Schlitz beer, and sometimes cry over the show - no one else could see us after all, so it wouldn't effect our image. :H Anyway, we still usually ended e-mails with, "goodnight John-Boy, goodnight Mary Ellen," or any of the other characters.

**dancelot** · January 10, 2011, 03:19 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Part 2- I'm glad to see so many new people around here! So welcome back to MG9, and welcome to Sona, TheSunFlower, Kimberly, and Nora! Congratulations to Chillgirl on your 1 year chip! Whoo-hoo! I like the nice weight those have! Mine means a lot to me.

Always good to see Mary, Phil, Cherbear, Catch, and J-vo too, hi to any lurkers!

Kimberly, I'm glad you got up the courage to try AA. I know how scary it was for me too. You will get more comfortable, meet people, and get to know them the more you go. You might look around and see if there are any young peoples meetings. Sometimes there are specific ones. The one at my group says for 20s & 30s. Even if there aren't, if you keep going, you will meet others in your age group at some point. The cool thing about AA is I'm making friends who are a lot younger and a lot older, and everything in between. We definitely have a common bond. Just like the BB stories still resonate, even though many of them were written by people who were my grandparents' contemporaries (and I'm not young!).

Nora, I'm happy to se you over here too! There are a lot of women in AA who are caretakers - of everyone but themselves. There are plenty of people like me too, who don't ask for help, because "we can do it ourselves." That's part of the beauty of it - you will always find someone you can relate too, and often learn from, as well as help others. Many times I've shared when I didn't think I had much to add, and someone would come up after and thank me, because for whatever reason, it was exactly what they needed to hear, or maybe let them know they were not the only one in the room that felt what they felt.

**marriedgirl29** · January 10, 2011, 03:54 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Well, it's been an unusually snowy winter(many winters it doesn't snow even once) here in TN and it's covered in snow outside.

I had a pretty hard day yesterday....a lot of cravings, it was day 4 sober for me. I called my sponsor and I did go to a meeting. She gave me some things to write on- one being what got me to meetings, i.e. what was going on in the last 3-4 weeks. At first I couldn't think of anything that bad but after awhile, when I was done writing, more stuff came to me that was pretty messed up, like for example I didn't attend any of my university classes without having drank before hand for the last part of last semester. And the class was at 12:40 in the afternoon.

Today, I feel better- usually when I stick out those days the next one is better. I am trying to decide about a meeting that's really close to my house that meets tonight. I am afraid almost no one will be there because of the snow, it's already a very small meeting, but then also, I need the meetings. I also really want to go to the gym, I hate feeling trapped in my house, isolation was always a big issue for me.

Hope everyone is having a great Monday and it's not as nasty outside wherever you are as it is here!

**NoraC** · January 10, 2011, 04:31 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

I was wondering if it is against AA tradition that I'm taking antabuse. I don't want to be secretive. So, I'm just curious what the response will be. :thanks:

**j-vo** · January 10, 2011, 05:58 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Hi everyone!

Mary, I think our number 1 priority is our sobriety, and if that would be a trigger for you in any way, you are doing what you need to do to protect it. Yes, we should be cordial to our AA friends, but to get involved in their problems is not our job. It's not the sponsor's job either. Our sponsor's are there for us to reach out to when we're having difficulties, walk us through the steps, and provide suggestions so that we continue to follow our programs, and ultimately maintain healthy sobriety. Therapists are for all the other "stuff." Medical doctors are also there for all that stuff. We're here to support one another, not to take on someone else's problems. Unless she's paying you hourly, well then...!

Nora, welcome! There are different school's of thought on medication in AA. Everyone is different, and has different needs. If antabuse is going to give you peace of mind for now and a security that you know you will not pick up that drink because of the pill, then so be it. That's what you need for now, and as your program continues, you may feel more secure in the idea that you don't need it. What my sponsor told me was that it's no one's business about the medication I take. It's only mine and my doctor's.

Kim, you're going through a lot of changes now. It's not unusual or abnormal to have bad sleeping nights. My husband is not a drinker, and he was on the couch for half the night just because he was having difficulty (not that I minded!). You did the right thing. You called your sponsor and went to a meeting. This is what is most important right now. Awesome!

Dance, you talked about some good stuff. Inner vs. outer behaviors. Wow. Yes, our lives can become unmanageable resulting from all of those dangerous drinking behaviors ie. drinking and driving, but our lives can become unmanageable based on those dangerous inner thoughts, dishonesty, isolation... That's how my life became unmanageable. I never had DUI's nor have been arrested, but I was serving time in my own house and it was hell. Working on all of this inside stuff is extremely important in this program, and our HP is there to take all of this away, our sponsors and fellowship is there to support us, and we are able to take responsibility for ourselves because we don't drink. Without drink, our lives are manageable. Thanks for those thoughts.

Married, my sponsor has reminded me that reading the daily reflections book is a nice way to start the day. It gets us focused and always has inspiring words. You did the right thing. You called your sponsor, and you went to a meeting. And BTW, we're getting a snowstorm within 12 hours! I'll be stuck inside, too.

Have a great night all.

**Kimberley** · January 10, 2011, 06:29 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Hi all,
I hope everyone has had a good day. I was so grateful for my meeting tonight. I have no idea why I suddenly got depressed today but it was great to get to a meeting and feel safe and then six of us girls went out for a bite to eat afterwards and I got 3 more numbers. I feel so much better, although I bought a big bagful of biscuits on the way home - sugar cravings!

Usually I don't have any sugar at all, but I am trying to not pay too much attention to that if I feel bad or cravingy at this point in time. Usually I find that having sugar actually perpetuates cravings, but I think if I am down, its better for me to just be kind to myself for the moment and worry about eliminating sugar again when I feel a bit better.

It was a small meeting tonight, so I got asked to read the Twelve Traditions, which I did and today is the first day I was able to join in the serenity prayer as well, so I feel as if I am really making an effort to join in and commit myslef to this thing. It can only give me more confidence and comfort in the rooms, right?
Anyway, I will catch you all later. Off to have another choccie biccie!
K x

**retteacher** · January 10, 2011, 07:48 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Regarding Antabuse: I've heard that some AAers don't think it's such a good thing. However, my opinion, for whatever it is worth, is that whatever helps us stay sober is a good thing. I think Bill W would subscribe to that theory. I don't think he was against medications, as long as they were helpful in keeping us clean & sober. I haven't heard anyone share in meetings about Antabuse, but I have heard people share about other prescription drugs they take, such as bi-polar meds. I haven't seen/heard anyone put up objections to those. Antabuse has helped others here at MWO tremendously.

Regarding mood changes: I put alcohol into my body in large quantities for a number of years. It took my mind & body quite a while to adjust to being wo/it.
-Sometimes I'd find myself inwardly raging over nothing...grinding my teeth & wanting to commit murder.
-Sometimes I'd become pretty weepy.
-Sometimes I'd crave cigarettes which I gave up in 1982.

You can cut yourself a little slack if you're a little changeable in early sobriety.

Mary

**dancelot** · January 10, 2011, 08:29 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Nora, I agree with what J-vo said - any medication is between you and your doctor. Early on in the BB it states that doctors and scientists are not the enemy, and that in the future more may be discovered about alcoholism. I'm of the belief that coming at alcoholism from the physical, mental, and spiritual aspects - all of them - is a necessity. I was doing the first two pretty successfully before discovering AA. I felt I was definitely missing something, and needed to address it, or I was going to break at some point.

I feel the obsession has been lifted - I'm not sure at what point, I just know one week I was feeling everything was falling apart, but the idea of solving it with a drink, or even saying to myself, "Now I remember why I drank!" did not come into my mind at all.

I still try to eat healthy, take the amino acid supplements and L-Glute if I feel I need them, and I have gotten back on ADHD meds (once my blood pressure was back to normal after quitting drinking). Impulse control is a part of that condition, and impulsively picking up a drink is how I've gone back to it, every time I have. Plus I can actually listen and absorb information, which is difficult to do otherwise. I realize this particular medication can be abused, but I have never had any desire to, or ever wanted "more" of it. I am on the same dose that was determined to be most effective 6 years ago. All it does is allow me to focus. Coffee feels more powerful than this stuff.

I met a guy at AA who is both ADHD and bi-polar, and says his HP is all he uses. If I had that many things going on, I personally wouldn't risk it, but I am not him, and he is not me and I respect that. I remember one time my father telling me something his cardiologist told him. I don't remember the exact details, but it was something about faith and what is right regarding doing or forgoing certain treatments. The doctor told him, "God gave us a brain too, so we could to use it."

If I ever felt I needed Antabuse or any other drug to keep me sober, I'd have no reservations, and I am always grateful for any options available. If Antabuse is extra tool in the toolbox, go for it. Do what you have to do. "Willing to go to any lengths" can cover a lot of different things.

**Kimberley** · January 10, 2011, 09:16 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Hi all,

I just wondered if some of you would share with me who or what your Higher Power or conception of God is. I am an atheist and have been wondering what I will use in place of the traditional conceptions.

Thanks,
K x

**NoraC** · January 10, 2011, 11:39 PM

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Thank you all for the information. I do think that antabuse is helping me now. So, I'll just keep it to myself. You're right - it's between me & my doctor.

I am working on dealing with my issues in a different way (not numbing myself). But, the antabuse is helping me stay focused on learning a new way.
Thought I would try a Women's meeting tonight but had some stuff that I needed to take care of so I didn't attend. There is another meeting tomorrow evening that I might try. I will definitely be going back to the Friday night meeting regardless.
I bought the BB and the Reflections book. So, I'm trying to start reading those.
Kim - I know some people that are atheists. They use 'Nature' as their higher power instead of a 'being'. The Earth, the Stars, Wind, Water, etc. You might try something like that. :h

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