Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

[marriedgirl29]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

I got my hair cut last Thursday!! It was a little treat, I went to a bit nicer place this time and got quite a bit taken off, so a bit of a change. I did enjoy it and I went around and smelled all the yummy smelling products they had in the front and enjoyed myself.

Tonight my sponsor wanted to meet at a certain meeting which has a newcomer's section where everyone goes around at the beginning and says their name and sobriety date. I always DREAD returning to this meeting when I've had a relapse, and tonight was the worst time ever because I knew TONS of people in the room who I hadn't seen in awhile, and it's like, yeah, I went out. Embarassing. But now it's over. I am glad I got through it and it's out there.

My husband is out at the bars with his friend probably won't be home until very late. Hard not to wait up but I don't want to sit up all night so I'm trying to just do my own thing here and relax.

[Kimberley]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Hi all and happy Sunday to you,

Just a quick check in really to see how everyone is doing. I couldn't shift my sad mood yesterday for the most of the day no matter what I did, so I wrote myself out a list of all the positive things that I had done in the day - there were lots actually! didn't really cheer me up, but put things in perspective.

Went to a late meeting and out for tea afterwards with quite a few of the group - had some really good chats with people. Got in at 2.30am - it was so nice to do that, go to sleep and wake up feeling good. Yes I'm actually in a good mood today! It was so nice to just wake up and be able to get out of bed without having to stumble over loads of bottles feeling guilt and shame, wondering what I did and said the night before. I am so grateful for that I can't tell you. And then to be able to go shopping without all the waves of anxiety.

I'm going out to watch the football in a bit (can't count how many great games I missed cos I was too ill from either drinking or withdrawal to leave my bed), then off to a meeting this evening.

So just a normal day really - and for that i am grateful as I haven't had as many of those this year as I would like.

Hope you're all good,
K x

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Kim: You're doing exactly what you should be doing. Keep it up! I'm proud of you. Mary

[marriedgirl29]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Happy Sunday,

I have been kind of angry this morning, not sure why. Just emotions coming up I guess. Just feel like kicking something and cursing even after I just got done reading or praying...crazy. Even went to church! Part of me is mad bc my husband wouldn't go and I feel like we don't like any of the same things now that I'm sober. But I know I can't control anyone.

Bleh,..

[Kimberley]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Thanks Mary

Married - sorry you're having a tough day. I had a VERY angry evening a couple of days back, as I think I probably posted. But today I'm feeling really good. I guess life is all about swings and roundabouts and feelings and moods changing from one day to the next sometimes. It seems weird to experience all that when we've been self-medicating for so long and blocking/numbing half of it. I hope you'll have a better day soon - my day today has been worth the 3 days I was really down. A normal day doing normal things, but I have felt full of life and contentment. It was worth the wait and I'm glad I didn't give up when I really felt like it.

K x

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

***Sandwich warning***
Hello friends! I have really enjoyed reading this weeks thread and catching up on what everyone is doing / thinking, etc.

Mary, thank you so much for starting the thread for the week and for such a good post on the topic of learning to handle relationships. That is very relevant in my life right now. I am grateful for AA being there - a fabulous place to meet sober people and try to learn how to build and handle relationships - something I was stunted about through all the drinking years. How to give and take, how to say yes and no without drama, how to give with no expectation of anything in return, how to draw boundaries, etc. It's all new to me. That saying about stopping emotional growth with the start of drinking feels true for me. So I am 52 (29) going on 17. I like the saying I have heard "carry the message not the mess."

Nora - welcome! One of the very kind souls in one of my home groups is a man who is now 16 years sober and he makes no secret that he got his start with the help of Antabuse. There are varying opinions about it but I don't let that bother me. There are also people who roll their eyes when I mention some of the My Way Out elements such as exercise, diet (esp. no sugar), amino acid supplementation. That's OK. These things are a part of my sober journey just like AA is part of it. All I can do is share my own experience strength and hope. Nobody has to like or agree with all of it.

MG, welcome back. How was dinner at the homeless shelter? That is my favorite thing to do at the mission. I'm OK doing other stuff, but I'm "in the zone" when slinging hash in the cafeteria.

Kimberly, so good to see you posting here. I'm enjoying reading of your experiences. You are doing this the way the old timers suggest, and there is a lot of wisdom in the old timers. I especially enjoy reading about your adventures making friends by going out of tea after the meetings, etc. You are truly leveraging the benefits of the fellowship. I too got nowhere doing it my way and alone.

Kimberly you asked about HP. I think of my own as the positive life force that surrounds us all. The energy that gives us life. The fundamental desire in us to do the right thing. The energy that binds us together as people. I'm OK calling that "God." It's God to me.

I went to a speaker meeting today to hear one of the Tough Chicks (from my Friday women's meeting) tell her story. She has an amazing story about finding a power greater than herself in AA. It is certainly not the more common religious based idea of God.

She was raised in a very religious household and participated in all the usual things that brough about. When she was in college, she had a job where she was responsible (along with other adults) for taking troubled young kids on outings. (she was a psych major) On an outing to a beach one day, where the kids were not supposed to get in the water, several of them went in anyway. They ended up stranded on a rickety raft in the middle of a lake. Her and another guy took a canoe out to rescue them. They got 3 of the 4 kids off the raft and into the canoe. She could hear the 4th one screaming. When she turned around, he was just gone. It was chilling to hear her describe the chaos of the screaming, and then the total calm of the water. They were not able to find him in time. That is the day she stopped believe in the God of her religion. She still does not believe in that God.

She is 8 months sober and has made peace with this issue. She says the prayers that are suggested in the program. When she closes her eyes, she visualizes herself sitting at the AA table looking at all the faces of the people she regularly sees at meetings. She believes that the program of AA and the people in it are a power greater than she is. That is working for her. I think that sort of higher power concept works for a lot of people. I think it is more common for people to be very "open" about discussing their own concept of a higher power if their concept fits nicely with the "main stream." But the main stream versions are not the only ones that work. When I close my eyes and try to imagine all the faces of my AA friends as a power greater than myself, I can easily say "please help me stay sober today and please help me to do the next right thing" and it makes perfect sense to me. I guess all this blah blah blah today is my way of encouraging you to find your own concept just like the Big Book says.

:yougo:CONGRATULATIONS CATCH ON ONE YEAR AND ONE WEEK SOBER!!!!:yougo:

Fabulous!!! Once you get your coin I would love to hear about that experience!

HG - it's great to see you! Hello to j-vo and Dance too - I enjoyed your posts! Hello Phil and Gyco too! Feels like coming home.

MG - admitting relapse was very hard from me to do here at MWO. I haven't had to do it yet at AA. I think it's so important to just get that over with so you can re-engage honestly and move on. One guy in a home group relapsed a little over a year ago after 17 years of sobriety. He came back to AA fairly quickly, but really couldn't admit his relapse with 100% honesty. He admitted he drank, but kept trying to pretend like it was unimportant and that somehow it didn't matter due to the 17 years of NOT drinking. Well, he couldn't stay sober. After a year of drinking and all the hell that comes with it, he finally came back with honesty. He seems to be doing well now. I observed that one with great interest. Any one of us could relapse and that includes me. If it do, I want to remember that for him, it took complete honesty in order to get back on track. I suspect it would be that way for me too.

HAIR TREATS!!! Now we're talkin'!! I got highlights a few days ago and they are RED!!! I love them.

It's good to be back. I love how my mind is always stimulated in AA, and how there is just always a growth opportunity placed in front of me. The longer I go to AA, the more I like myself and the more I am able to forgive myself for the wreckage of my past. And the more hopeful I become about today.

XO

DG

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Kimberly, just saw your post. I can really appreciate what you are saying - being so aware of the natural ups and downs that we used to numb. I have really come to value and appreciate the times when I DO feel that natural inner peace and contentment. I'm not there all the time, but when I'm NOT there, I can objectively say that I'm willing to work at figuring out how to be in contentment more often! One thing is for sure - drinking sure didn't get me there. My crazy manic highs where very far from "contentment" even when I thought I was having fun.

DG

[Cherbear]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Hi everyone,
haven't posted in a while, still packing and getting ready to move.

MG... I got butterflies in my stomach reading about your relapse, I have slowed way down on my meetings because of this move and I realize that the cravings are stronger again!!! I haven't given in but boy I sure can see the slippery slope ahead of me. This is a reality check for me right now, almost 7 months into this I need to redirect my priorities again RIGHT NOW!, meeting tonight a must.
MG.. wondering if you are willing to share what events came to that first drink of your relapse? I think the mind games we play and sharing them really can help those of us that might be on the edge.

take care everyone.

[marriedgirl29]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

Cherbear,

A few things happened....

1. My father in law came into town for almost 3 weeks- he stayed with us in our new house and very graciously worked 10 hour days renovating our kitchen(it looks AMAZING). Full rip down to the studs, so big job. I was worried it would get difficult just having a house guest for soooo long, but quite the contrary, we were sad to see him go. What I SHOULD have been worried about however, was that although I wasn't drinking, and his nightly wine wasn't bothering me, I was working full time, going to school, and I was NOT ok with discussing AA or my problem with drinking with him, so I didn't go to meetings because it would have been hard to explain disappearing from home from 7:45-9:15 every night. Sorry for that unbelievably long run-on sentence. I have drank around him before, he probably thought it was curious I didn't drink but never mentioned anything. I was working, calling my sponsor, praying, reading literature, and NOT going to meetings. Also, I was being vaguely dishonest with my sponsor about how many meetings I was making. There were a couple times I remember telling my husband I REALLY needed to go to a meeting, but then something I needed to help with would come up, or he would start making dinner for everyone, etc. and I wouldn't end up going.

2. Then, a week or so after he left, my mom came into town, again although I was sober I was not willing to discuss AA with her, but I did at least tell her, I'm not drinking right now. But by that point, I really wanted to have a glass of wine with her at the restaurant, BAD craving. Knew I couldn't get away with it with my husband there. If it would have been just she and I, I would have drank that Sat night. Didn't talk to my sponsor that day I don't think, but not sure.


3. The following day, I can't remember but I somehow got some booze and started drinking on my own without telling my husband, who can be shockingly unobservant. Does anyone else notice this about men? I could literally have a fancy stemless wine glass with wine and he wouldn't notice for a good while. So, I didn't drink that Sat I had the bad cravings....I think I hadn't been to a meeting in so long the craving came back, and once it's that far along, I'm pretty much done. Or at least I haven't learned coping skills for how to not relapse once I am so far out of my program that I WANT to drink and can't remember "with sufficient force" what happens when I do, or I just no longer care, because I'm so uncomfortable. Honestly, I never thought I was no longer powerless, or really that things would be different, although I do think I thought I would come right back after only a couple days out, it ended up being more like 2.5 months, which is SHORT for me, usually at least 6-8 before I can go back. So, that shows some insane thinking. I'm hoping(when I stay out of the program for long enough) that the general people in the meetings will have changed enough that I can slip in unnoticed. So, this time I have had to run back into everyone, which is hard, as I posted about previously.

I hope that answers your question.

Would love to just stay in tonight, I guess I'm just lazy, but I am going to get to that meeting because I have to, as my story shows.

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Jan. 10 - 16

MG, I'm sorry all that happened. As I was reading your story, I tried to imagine what that would be like if I were in a similar situation. I think feeling cutoff from meetings would put me in a vulnerable position too.

Have you thought about what you will do differently if similar circumstances arise again?

I've gotten to the point where among family and close friends, I really don't care who knows that I don't drink and that I go to AA. I can't afford to let my ego get the best of me on that one.

DG