Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

[retteacher]

Everyone: I've been thinking about the concept: "Going to any lengths" to get well. I just encountered this concept in the Chapter to the Employers in the BB. I kind of think it goes hand in hand w/the concept of bottoming out. I think when I bottomed out...& everyone's experience of bottoming out is different...I was finally willing to go to any lengths to get better. Bottoming out, for me, was a real look at the insanity of my drinking life. I think it broke down the wall of denial I was living with. Like all of us in AA, I see relapsing. In addition to allowing meetings to slip by unattended, I think that the wall of denial gets built up again. People start flirting w/the concept of drinking when they feel overwhelmed & in crisis. Weather has held me back from meetings for the past 2 days. I don't feel like I want to drink. I do feel a disconnect & distance from the program & the people in it. I will get to a meeting tonight, as I know I must.

Wednesday is the day my daughter has her next big surgery. If the weather cooperates, I will go w/her & my husb will stay back here w/the kids/dogs. She'll have some recuperation & will need help. If I stay sober, I'll be right there for her. If I drink, I'm of no help whatsoever. I need to remember that.

Mary

[catch22]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Hi Everyone,

Mary, This is so true what you said, when people unattend meetings and just get lazy , that wall of denial builts up again, thats how this disease is so canning and baffling. I know it will get me at anytime, I feel really scared to start doing exercise, because in the pasts, when i stop drinking i would do some form of exercise, and when i used to feel soooo good in myself i always felt am ok, and i just dont want that feeling to come back that am ok just to have one. when i first went to AA meeting i was in denial with my willingness, i thought i only will be here for a few months and i get better, and wont need to go to meetings any more, but the deniel bit by bit broke down inside me, i knew i had to keep coming back, to get better, i know i cannot do this on my own.

Mary i will be thinking of you and your daughter on wednesday.:l

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Catch: Denial is so sneaky! When things are going well, I can also begin to feel I can have ONE. I must remember:
1. I can never have one. I've always, always gone on to drink more, more, more.
2. When I drink, I go places I don't want to ever go again...drunkenness, black-outs, unconsciousness, throwing up, humiliation, fear, self-loathing, etc.

As long as I stay sober, I don't have to revisit all that bad stuff.

Mary

[Horsegirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Hello Everybody,

Mary I agree that I connect "going to any lengths" with willingness.

When I first got to AA, I was so desperate to stop the obsession and the never ending attempts to quit I thought to myself "yea - I am willing to go to any length". But when I began to see that going to any length might mean something uncomfortable and difficult for me, I really doubted just how willing I was. Only by listening to others in AA and reading here on MWO did I hold on to the hope that life could get so much better that I at least became willing to open my mind to the possibilities. Still a work in progress, but so much better already.

Catch, I like what you said about getting lazy and building that denial back up. I hope I always realize how important meetings and the daily mediations and readings are to me.

I still have the fear, that if I don't stay on top of this daily, I'll be back where I was in a fast hurry. Even if I never drank again, I still do not want to be back where I was.

Thanks for sharing.

Mary, Good to you and yours on Wed.

Have a super evening!!!

HG
(Judy)

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Greetings all. We had interesting weather here in the Dallas - Fort Worth area last week. I missed my 630am meeting for about 3 days. I had to attend some other noon meetings to keep in touch with AA.
Many of us are probably discussing Step 2 this month. I thought about the "came to believe stuff" and realized that I had no problem accepting a "higher power" concept. My problem was admitting that I needed the HP's help to restore me to sanity.
Fourteen months sober and still having epiphanies.
Great to "see" you all here.

[catch22]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Hi Everyone,
HG AM still a work in progress, cant believe everytime i read the big book there is always something in there that standout that i have over read.
Ian it good to see you, step 2 for me it was seeing is believing thats how i come to believe the sanity, (and am a R.C) all my old ideas of GOD i had to throw away, to get my new ideas. A end of a new begining.

Two sundays ago i did a chair, it is my 3rd one and scared as hell, but i say my prayer before hand and i know my HP is helping me go along with the flow of my story, I start of talking a little bit about my childhood, and then talk about my drinking and how bad it was for me at the end, but this time at the end i talked more about my recovery a bit more about me going through the 12steps and how it work for me because everyone is different. AT the end people come up to me to shake my hands but 2 people that i knew said how i have changed so much and how bubbly my personality is. It weird i know i have changed inside me and i know i still got a lot of work to do with myself, i just sometimes want that flat feeling to go away inside me i cant explain it, but it there.

Am going to start going back to big book study again, someone else has taken over now, so i will be looking forward to going back again..

[Horsegirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

It weird i know i have changed inside me and i know i still got a lot of work to do with myself, i just sometimes want that flat feeling to go away inside me i cant explain it, but it there.

Catch, I completely understand this. Thanks for sharing that.

Good for you, too on chairing. I know that has helped me bunches to get out of myself and learn to relax and share.

Special prayers to Mary and her family as her daughter's surgery is today.

Have a great day, All.

HG

[catch22]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Mary hope all is well with your daughter.:l


Today Reflections 10/02/11

I DON'T RUN THE SHOW
When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be? ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.53

Today my choice is God. He is everything. For this I am truly grateful. When I think I am running the show I am blocking God from my life. I pray I can remember this when I allow myself to get caught up into self. The most important thing is that today I am willing to grow along spiritual lines, and that God is everything. When I was trying to quit drinking on my own, it never worked; with God and A.A., it is working. This seems to be a simple thought for a complicated alcoholic.

It funny i always thought i never run the show but come to think about it realize when am in control of everything things dont seem to go right, but when i take a few steps backwards and just go along with the flow and not take control it all goes right.
Is OR is not? The answer for me it is !

Horsegirl am so glad you understand i thought i was going mad or doing something wrong.




.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Everyone:

First: My daughter came through the surgery w/strength & courage. She's doing OK today. I NEVER thought about having anything to drink to ease my nerves. I just felt my feelings & went on w/the day. The secret to living wo/alcohol is simple to me now. Put one foot in front of the other & ask HP for help as needed.

HG: You're so correct that "going to any lengths" is a simple concept but when you get right down to it, it requires much ongoing effort. If I don't keep it going though, the alternative is to drink again. That's not an alternative for me. AA is a one day at a time program. I don't have to think too far ahead. All I have is today.

Phil: I heard about the weather in Dallas. Our son is in the San Ant/Austin area, & they got their first dusting of snow in a long, long time. As for us: we have a good 2 - 4 ft. on the ground. Even the little kids are saying: "No more!"

I had trouble seeing how insane my life was. I wasn't living under a bridge in a cardboard box, so therefore, I felt exempt from the insanity. I've come to see that the stuff I mentioned in a previous posting is insanity...also, I was heading straight for worse. I'm one of those people who had a few more "yets" in my future...if you know what I mean. Now that I'm free of all that, I can see the insanity a little more clearly.

Take care one & all.


Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Hi everyone. Mary, I am so glad to hear that Patty's surgery went well. She sounds like an amazing woman. You must be very proud of her.

I hope everyone is safe out there with the crazy weather everywhere. When I first turned on my computer this morning, it said "-8" for my town. Brrrr.... It's going to be another wicked cold one tonight and then a little warmer tomorrow and through the weekend. 20's or something.

I like the topic of willingness to go to any length. I certainly wasn't for a long time and could not stop the madness until I DID become willing. Period. Doing only those things that I thought I wanted to do wasn't enough.

I went to an open Alanon meeting last night. It's a once amonth 3-speaker meeting. They don't always have an Alateen speaker but they did last night. There is something so raw for me about listening to a kid describe what it is like for them to live with alcoholism it takes my breath away. I can BS myself all day long. But when I hear the truth about what alcoholic behavior looks like to a 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 year old then teenager, I just can't keep the wool over my eyes.

As one example, especially in my later drinking years I became a "mean drunk." (and in full denial about it). I would never accept that I was mean because of the alcohol. I would always blame someone / something else. If only they hadn't pissed me off so much, I wouldn't have done/said whatever mean thing I did/said.

I have worked hard through the program of AA to be completely honest with myself and others about my drinking, and the effects it had on me. But somehow, I feel I still have more work to do when I hear a child's simple description of what a parent was like, then what they were like after some drinks. It's so clear to them. Why couldn't I ever see it clearly?

While I don't have children, I was interacting with all kinds of people throughout my drinking career (entire adult life). It seems overwhelming sometimes to really look honestly at all that insanity - all a direct result of alcohol consumption and nothing more.

The AA speaker was an interesting woman I hadn't met before. As always, I could relate to so much in her story. The Alanon speaker was excellent. She should write a book. She has overcome so much in her life and has reached a place of serenity I can only hope for at this stage.

I'm so glad that I heard these people last night. Humbling and inspiring.

DG

[catch22]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Hi everyone ,
Just realize i called Phil, Ian sorry Phil.....
So glad to read mary your daughter come throught the surgery and is doing ok.

I know i put my daughter through a lot and my son but i think more my daughter, the things i said and would just losed it and go mad yes i can see the insanity of it all. i feel really ashame of the things i said and done now, all because the most important for me was to have a Drink.
wanted to write more But,
Have to go my son forgot his door keys and cant get in, have a lovely weekend everyone and keep safe! x:l

God bless ! :h

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

When I look back on drunken motherhood & grandmotherhood, I cringe. I did a lot of unacceptable things, including b-sitting very young children under the influence. I go there sometimes, & it's some of my more painful memories. I occasionally go to Alanon meetings & listen to people describe the effect that alcoholism had on them. My husb is reluctant to describe his own experience in any detail. Maybe he's just glad to put it all behind him. I do know that my last drinking experience was horrendous for him. He didn't know what had happened to me & was concerned for my life.

My sobriety is giving me a chance to do it all over again. I can take care of my daughter & g-kids the way I'm supposed to take care of them.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Mary, I love the way you framed that in your post. No matter what we have done in the past, we have an fabulous opportunity to do better today. That's what matters.

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Exactly! Last night we celebrate my SIL's b-day. I brought over lasagna, & we had just a lovely family evening. Yes, SIL brought out the pinot grigio, but it didn't hold any weight w/me. I know what it leads to for me. He might be able to have half a bottle sloshing around in his refridge, but I never could. If I couldn't drink it all at once (which I usually did), I'd be drinking it now, this morning. I absolutely must never forget the insanity of my pre-AA life. Mary

[Cherbear]

Weekly AA Thread - Feb. 7 - Feb. 13

Hi All,

I'm still lurking here... just very busy, but sober busy yay!!

Love the topic of reflecting on how we effected our family/ kids. I definitely agree with Mary, that I must make a living amends now for my shameful behavior before. I don't have grand kids yet but that was something I thought of at the end of my drinking days ... thought about if my kids wouldn't let me watch the kids, or because I hid my drinking and they really didn't know how much.. if I would have driven with them drunk.. which I did plenty of with my kids.

DG.. the mean drunk in later years really resonated with me too. I would scream and pick fights with Hubby.. I would just sit and wallow in how everyone is making me miserable and I can remember thinking... "the only pleasure I have is this glass of wine." oh brother talk about insanity.

Still getting used to the move to the new house, and new AA, I haven't been going as much as I should and you guys help me so much too.