af daily sat 12 March

[bear73]

Mornignall - up at 8am on a saturday - went to bed mega early with my cold lastnight.
Beautiful day here - I am sat here with my lovely coffee - still thinking over that I am an alcoholic -I can't drink. It's hard but removes the doubt,shall I shan't I energy,gives me a real focus.

When i drank i always loved the feeling of being a bit loose,out of control (cos i am such a stress head) and more confident. Right from when i first drank socially at 15 - i drank more at uni to hide depression/lack of confidence then through my twenties carried on heavy drinking socially(frequent hangovers at work.,sometimes missed work,missed gym,spent far too much of my small salary on it etc) then in my thirties I was still drinking lots,put on 2 stone, feeling rubbish,more anxious and depressed and got in with a really heavy drinking crowd through OH and saw some friends at what would be my low bottom.

I think it doesn't help when you do the 'should it stop or moderate' quizzes and because I haven't lose everything YET the advice is that that you're just drinking too much and can have a few. It also made me feel that I was a fraud - thinking I had a problem with alcohol when I didn't and just needed to try harder and cut down. People around me don't get it either because they think of alcoholics as 'losing everything/park bench'. They're also mostly big social drinkers (I read HF alcoholics will deliberately surround themselves with big drinkers to hide - yep) so it threatens them/maybe makes them think about their own patterns.

I am off to put some washing on, maybe go for a run rather than gym as it's such a gorgeous day then pack/leave for music festival.
Feck off booze!

[Jolie]

af daily sat 12 March

Morning all

It's eary Saturday morning for me - hubby had to go into work so I'm gonna get an early start on my grocery shopping (thank you walmart for staying open 24/7!)

Bear - I finished Allen Carr's book last night "The easy way to stop drinking". It really makes you look at alcohol in a totally different way. I've heard others on this site who have read it but weren't really impressed with him. I can only offer my opinion and have to truly say that by the end of the book, my addiction to alcohol finally made sense to me and even the thought of the "occasional drink" may not work for me. Anyway - I look for help anywhere I can get it so thought I'd mention it for anyone here who hasn't read it yet.

Any other suggestions for helpful reading in winning this battle against alcohol would be greatly appreciated!

Hope everyone has a great Saturday! Looks like it's going to be a nice one here. Time to get out and walk those dogs!

[Sarasmiles]

af daily sat 12 March

Good Morning Ab-Fabbers!

Bear and Jolie, thanks for the great posts to start us off today. Bear, I could so relate to what you said about feeling like a fraud. That has held me back from getting sober for years! It was as if I thought I was a hypochondriac, imagining I had a drinking problem when I really just needed to use more will power and self-control to drink less. I thought that since I was still functioning well, had a house, job, husband, kids, and in-tact driving record, etc. etc., I must really be ok and just needed to show a little more discipline. It's a relief to admit/accept/celebrate the idea that for me, like for so many other people, alcohol kicks off a dangerous, powerful reaction in my brain. It's akin to an allergy - not our fault, just the way we're built. Only treatment is abstinence. Period. I once started a thread called "Wonderful News", about recognizing that I'm an alcoholic. Funny thing is, I wrote that over a year ago and then slipped back into the "well, maybe I can control it" thinking. I am DETERMINED that this time I am not going back to bullshitting myself.

I have to say that one notion that confused me for a long time is that "alcoholism is a progressive disease". I hung onto that idea for a long, long time, as proof that I didn't have this disease. I kept thinking that because I was still functioning well, there was no sign of progression. Well, there were no blatant, visible-to-all signs. I never started drinking in the morning or even drinking every day. But I did become more and more obsessed with alcohol over time. I did rely on it more and more. I did get to the point where it was the first thing I thought of when things went wrong, or right, or it was cold out or hot out or I was alone, or I was socializing...Jeez. That's "progress" !

Anyway, I had a very social night last night. Went out to a fund raiser auction at a country club, with a bar, for my kids' school, followed by a party at a friend's house. Hubby and I don't go to many parties, and this was the most drink-oriented event I'd been to since quitting this time around. I was offered drinks repeatedly, teased for not drinking, and even asked, playfully, "what the hell's the matter with you, drinking seltzer???" I had some twinges of shyness; thoughts that the whole thing might be more fun if I were drinking like everyone else. But I also watched with interest as other people got buzzed and then drunk. It seemed so juvenile to me. All these 40 something parents, partying like they were still in college. I didn't need or want to be part of it. I found a couple of people to talk to, and passed on the dancing and loud laughter...At some point maybe I'll be able to "cut loose" without booze, but it's not gonna be easy! What a pay-off for abstinence, though! I went to sleep with a peaceful mind, woke up bright and early and ready to take on the day. I have no guilt; no remorse. This all means so much more to me than being able to act wild at a party. Hubby had too much and reeked of alcohol when we got in bed last night. Grossed me out, and he will be hungover today. More on that another time, since I seem to be taking up a lot of space here already today!

Be well everyone!!

Sara

[Sarasmiles]

af daily sat 12 March

Good Morning Ab-Fabbers!

Bear and Jolie, thanks for the great posts to start us off today. Bear, I could so relate to what you said about feeling like a fraud. That has held me back from getting sober for years! It was as if I thought I was a hypochondriac, imagining I had a drinking problem when I really just needed to use more will power and self-control to drink less. I thought that since I was still functioning well, had a house, job, husband, kids, and intact driving record, etc. etc., I must really be okay and just needed to show a little more discipline. It's a relief to admit/accept/celebrate the idea that for me, like for so many other people, alcohol kicks off a dangerous, powerful reaction in my brain. It's akin to an allergy - not our fault, just the way we're built. Only treatment is abstinence. Period. I once started a thread called "Wonderful News", about recognizing that I'm an alcoholic. Funny thing is, I wrote that over a year ago and then slipped back into the "well, maybe I can control it" thinking. I am DETERMINED that this time I am not going back to bullshitting myself.

I have to say that one notion that confused me for a long time is that "alcoholism is a progressive disease". I hung onto that idea for a long, long time, as proof that I didn't have this disease. I kept thinking that because I was still functioning well, there was no sign of progression. Well, there were no blatant, visible-to-all signs. I never started drinking in the morning or even drinking every day. But I did become more and more obsessed with alcohol over time. I did rely on it more and more. I did get to the point where it was the first thing I thought of when things went wrong, or right, or it was cold out or hot out or I was alone, or I was socializing...Jeez. That's "progress" !

Anyway, I had a very social night last night. Went out to a fund raiser auction at a country club, with a bar, for my kids' school, followed by a party at a friend's house. Hubby and I don't go to many parties, and this was the most drink-oriented event I'd been to since quitting this time around. I was offered drinks repeatedly, teased for not drinking, and even asked, playfully, "what the hell's the matter with you, drinking seltzer???" I had some twinges of shyness; thoughts that the whole thing might be more fun if I were drinking like everyone else. But I also watched with interest as other people got buzzed and then drunk. It seemed so juvenile to me. All these 40 something parents, partying like they were still in college. I didn't need or want to be part of it. I found a couple of people to talk to, and passed on the dancing and loud laughter...At some point maybe I'll be able to "cut loose" without booze, but it's not gonna be easy! What a pay-off for abstinence, though! I went to sleep with a peaceful mind, woke up bright and early and ready to take on the day. I have no guilt; no remorse. This all means so much more to me than being able to act wild at a party. Hubby had too much and reeked of alcohol when we got in bed last night. Grossed me out, and he will be hungover today. More on that another time, since I seem to be taking up a lot of space here already today!

Be well everyone!!

Sara

[EnglishWriter77]

af daily sat 12 March

Hey All,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I went out last night for a date - we went to a nice oriental style buffet and enjoyed some good conversation and food.

I felt kinda weird declining a glass of wine with my date, and didn't much feel like going into my background. She didn't pressure me, but I was somewhat paranoid. Even being out in public can be a struggle at the moment as if everyone KNOWS about me and I am being watched.

Hopefully this will pass in time and I can regain my former confidence without the need to have a drink first.

All the best,

EW

[Lavande]

af daily sat 12 March

Good Saturday morning Abbers!!!!!!

I officially declare this a bullshit free zone Sara :H:H

Bear, Jolie & EW greetings to you as well

Isn't it nice to be worry free about your behavior in social situations? Not to mention how nice it is to be hangover free! This IS the way we were meant to live our lives :l

No plans so far for me today - will see what develops. Right now I'm about to jump into my mud shoes & see what I can do outside

Have a great AF Saturday everyone!
Lav

[mario]

af daily sat 12 March

Hi bear,jolie,ew & lavande

Just thought i would drop in, just finished work.

Ew This all will improve in time just keep going with the flow.

[LVT25]

af daily sat 12 March

Hello friends,

Bear, your history sounds an awful lot like mine!

Sara, I can surely relate to your experience as well. I fear the days of cutting loose are over for me. Sometimes I feel like an old fuddy duddy prude without the alcohol to release the inhibitions. There was a video on AFV the other night with some "older" couples drinking and having fun mixing vinegar and soda then putting condoms on a wine glass. My son commented that he wants to be like that when he is old--still having fun and being silly. I kind of got a twinge, because I know I am pretty boring now. But, I had my fun and since I didn't get into trouble or make too big of an ass of myself I don't have a ton of regrets about my past. But that is over, I relied on the AL as my social lubricant, and then I abused it. I tell people I still have fun, I just don't provide so much of the entertainment. And that is ok. The trade off of no hangovers, regrets and simply feeling better mentally and physically are so worth it! I am a better parent now, and that is what is important. Someone else can do the dancing and laughing loudly now.

I really feel bad for the Japanese people. We have a niece and her family in Tokyo and it is hard not to worry.:l

Must run, busy day today. Hi everyone and have a great sober weekend. Don't forget to spring ahead tonight for those that must do that!!:h

[universal]

af daily sat 12 March

Morning abbers,

I want to thank all of you for your support and kind words yesterday. I am not sure what I am going to do about my sponsor or the whole AA thing at this point. I talked to my therapist all day yesterday and I have another appointment with her on Monday. I have some repair work to do here, my hubby is upset that I slipped the other day (don't blame him). I am back taking my supplements and the L-glut as I know the next 2 weeks will be hard as the cravings will be there but I will make it through. I will win this fight - I know I can because I was doing so well. I think I would prefer to listen to my therapist though and go through my traumas the way she tells me to - not in a 4rth step toxic dump - that is just too much too fast for me to handle emotionally.

Okay, well, I'm off to the bookstore to just relax and have a coffee. Hopefully my hubby isn't too mad at me all day.

Love and hugs,
Uni

[Determinator]

af daily sat 12 March

:hTop O the Saturday ABerooooooooos!

yeah! I got to sleep in my bed and snuggle with my dear DX

Bear, your sounding more resolved. congrats to you dear.

Sarah and EW, as others have said, this really does get better in time and with practice doing the right thing. the alcoholic beast inside of us will continue to raise these feelings of awkwardness and even feelings of (hey, why am I feeling so oppressed here?) etc etc if it thinks it has even the tiniest chance of being allowed out of it's hole. reminds me of the lyrics from that Tom Waits song: 'you gotta keep the devil way down in the hole'.

Lavande, you've been sounding so extra positive and good lately, awesome to see.

well, trying to decide whether to go to the gunshow today or tomorrow. the bigger shows are so fun as the big collectors bring out their wares and it's like visiting a museum. they even have old western jewelry, blacksmithing arts, clothing, leather crafts, traditional Indian artifacts etc. a buddy of mine thier is a collector of ancient Malayan bladed weapons and always has an gorgeous display of old pieces.

so glad to be AF on this past weeks craziness. I can't believe I used to be so drunk/hungover at airports in years past. airports are trying enough when healthy!

be well friends, and all to come xxxxxx

[Mema]

af daily sat 12 March

Jolie, I read The Courage To Change many years ago..it is what finally got me to recognize that I had to stop drinking I saw myself in so much of the book it scared me. The other thing that really helped me was a little daily affirmation book. There are lots of those to choose from too. I'd start every day reading the day's selection and thinking about it, those books and talking to other people in recovery help me to change in ways I didn't think possible! I became much more peaceful inside and much less of a perfectionist, not so hard on myself! I also learned how to ask for help which I thought I could NEVER do. Now I am probably too willing to both give and take help! Balance is always so hard to achieve, isn't it?

I am so in awe of the strength of people's desire to stop drinking! A little tip someone told me in my early days, and it has always helped me, is that when I go to a gathering where alcohol is being served I go to the bar right away and get myself something to drink (usually a tonic with lime in it), that way no one has to ask me if I want a drink and no one has to know I'm not drinking. After a few years I didn't care anymore and really felt kind of superior that I could say no thank you, I don't drink (tee hee we don't judge do we)?

Anyway I now have the opposite problem. Everyone knows me as a non drinker (except for a select few) Who'd a thunk!!! All I can say is I am so glad to be back on track and hanging with a fine bunch of people like YOU!

[momof3]

af daily sat 12 March

Happy Saturday All,

Uni, So happy to hear from you and to know that you are back on track. I think you have made a wise decision to stick with your therapist at this point and say THANKS BUT NO THANKS to your sponsor.

English Writer. It does get less awkward saying No Thanks to alcohol. Looking back, I realize that the only one who was uncomfortable about being saying "no" was me.

Hello to Bear, sarasmiles, LVT, Lav, Mema, Det, Mario, and all to come.

M3

[Doggygirl]

af daily sat 12 March

Hello all! Been crazy busy the last few days but want to say I have really enjoyed reading all the posts today. So much of "me" in there too.

Uni, I haven't read what happened with your sponsor but the important thing is that you are back on track today. Each of us has to do what works for us, period. If AA doesn't work for you (or maybe just your sponsor doesn't work for you?) then it's not right for YOU. :l Never give up.

These days I have fun doing different things than what I used to consider fun. I thoroughly enjoy my time serving food in the mission kitchen (just one example) which is something I NEVER would have thought would be fun when I was drinking. Mainly because I couldn't drink while doing it, and I wasn't interested in doing anything I couldn't drink while doing - not on "my own time" anyway. And these days, dancing on a table top just doesn't interest me at all, and I used to think that sort of life, or at least limb endangering endeavor was "fun."

Oh the changes.

One thing is for sure......

I :h you guys and hope all are doing well in AFness today. Special strength and hope out to anyone who needs it.

DG

[Doggygirl]

af daily sat 12 March

Uni, I just read your post with more specifics about what happened. I just want to say that I am so sorry for what happened to you. No woman deserves that. I can't imagine being violated in that way.

DG

[papmom3]

af daily sat 12 March

Evening Fab Friends!!

busy day today and I'm ready to hit the sack!

Uni-big hugs and I hope you will get the help you want and need to deal with the horrendous events of your life. I can only echo M3 and say that AL will not eradicate the past, rid you of your pain or solve your problems. I'm sure your Hubby(boyfriend? You use the terms interchangeably so I'm not sure which is the correct one) is just plain scared and remembering how close he came to losing you earlier this year and could be why he's mad at you.

Good job EW and Sara with your respective social engagements and staying true to your desire to live an AF life. Way to go!!

LVT-I bet you are not the least bit boring!! How is Terry? Is she still at home?

Shout out to Lav, Mema,Jolie, Mario, DG, Greenie, Marshy, AFM and anyone else who stopped by or is lurking!

Today was so productive and yet I had planned to do nothing but veg out!! WW was great-down 2.6 lbs this week! Great workout at PF-hour and a half. Did NOT stop at DD on the way home or go to McD or BK for lunch!! I am challenging myself to live on $100 this month in terms of food. I have $23 left and anxious to see how I do couponing tomorrow. I will also swallow my pride and ask to bring home leftovers tomorrow after my nephew's Bday party!!
After lunch I finished setting up my grooming area in the basement and was able to work on DD for a few minutes and shave a few mats off him (after muzzling him of course). This is going to work out very well I think. Too bad I can't afford the tub and turbo dryer!!
Speaking of DD, I registered both him and LM with the AKC's canine companions program. Mostly so that I can enter DD in AKC sponsored agility and RallyO events. LM is going to his first Nosework class next Sat and I believe there are some AKC sponsored events for that as well. Anyway, when you register with this program, you have to give you dog a AKC name. Now, I could have gone with his real name but it's much more fun to pick a descriptive name, like they do for show dogs. DDs AKC name is "Devil Dog Its All Mine". I laugh everytime I say it!!

After I got the grooming thing done I broke out my SIL's sewing machine for the first time ever (it was reconditioned during the holidays) and sat down and made my first bellyband in over 7 years. It felt so good to sew again!! I was never a sewer when I was young but I learned how because my mom sewed a lot of our clothes. I really enjoy it so far and can't wait to get to the sewing part of my quilt project. Tomorrow I'll make a few more belly bands as the ones I have are really worn out after 7 years of use.

I realized I was out of velcro so I headed to Joann's and the Christmas Tree shops (just because it was there!) and did some retail therapy that I probably shouldn't have but I'll use every single thing and the deals were so good!!

Finished the belly band after dinner and watched a bit of TV and now it's nite nite time.

On a different subject, I want to report on how I'm doing with the 5-HTP. I'm not seeing a huge difference in my sleep but I just upped the dose to 100mg per nite. What I am noticing however is that when I eat, I seem to be satisfied with the correct portions now whereas the past few years my portion sizes were getting huge and I would binge like crazy on certain things. For example, I would have no problem eating a whole Freschetta large pizza by myself. I would be overstuffed for sure but once I started eating, I didn't/couldn't stop. I don't seem to have that compulsion anymore for anything and the only thing different is the 5-HTP and the L-Glut so I'm not sure which one is helping or if both are. I will keep you all updated on this and I'll let you know what my MD says about it on Tuesday.

OK, really, going to bed.:bedtime: