AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

[greeneyes]

Happy Thursday Fabbies!

Doncha just love a punctual stork? Lovely baby, lav! What will his everyday name be I wonder?

Here is a replay link to a Wayne Dyer interview if you're interested. Up for a couple days. Wayne Dyer Ph.D. @ The Aware Show

Uni what a sweet story about your friend. Love it when a soul group member delivers right on time

My sister bailed on our annual trip and didn't tell me until last night. Funny, I would normally go into blame and victimhood over it but those feelings just aren't there (trust me I looked for them). Can it be that I'm finally "getting it"???

So did jane jane go to the wedding last weekend? Where are you jane jane?

Coffee..

[bear73]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Morning all - day 3 here and I am grateful to be sober,energetic and un-hungover. I woke up anxious and maudlin,resentful about attending a work meeting in the middle of my holiday and have got out of it by being busy.

So far I have done one load of washing and hung it out to dry, sorted clothes to go to recycling point, put my winter clothes in the loft and got summer clothes out of loft.
This afternoon I plan to do a bit of garden tidying, shed clearing, and a bit of sitting down and reading on my new sun lounger - and then it's off to the work evening meeting.

After that I will treat myself to a nice bath with face mask.

Tomorrow I will go to the tip first thing. I may treat myself to a nice light thai lunch, buy some new long shorts for roller derby and try to find a work skirt,new wedge sandals and pick up some maxi dresses I ordered online (probably returning at least one of them).
I ordered tonnes and returned 90% of it (which was the plan). I never get the time to try clothes on,need to try on with my own gear/stores don't always have the full range in my town.

I have really been struggling with the 'I'm not that bad' BS recently and it's always this that leads me to convince myself I can have one. I am 'that bad' as otherwise why would I want to try quitting, feel so much better when I do quit, how bad does it have to be.

I have through alcohol
carried on smoking for far too long - always lapsing when drunk
taken substances
missed weekend activities,
missed planned exercise sessions,
lost countless weekends to hangovers,booze blues
fell on my face a few years ago and could have seriously disfigured myself,
put on tonnes of weight, which has led to lowered self esteem,anxiety,
worsened or caused depression/anxiety(time will tell which came first,either way alcohol worsens it),
not developed hobbies until last couple of years,
been so worried about what drinking associated think of me - not stopping to think are they my real friends,and does it matter??
my house has been a mess, behind on chores and not decorated,still looks like a student house I used to live in.

Sounds like a great choice to drink doesn't it!!!:blah:
I feel angry at the years I have lost and frustrated with myself for letting myself go physically, my surroundings,my activities. I KNOW it will get worse not better - I KNOW it's bad enough now. I have always doubted myself and my own judgements - part of it is that - I have doubted 'do I have depression' for years - 'are my parents critical' - 'am I making a mountain out of a molehill?'. It's that kind of thinking that makes me think 'I'm not that bad' NOT looking down on other people and thinking that I am better.It's about not trusting myself and needing others' affirmation to say'yes you are depressed/bad enough' or 'you're ok' WTF!!!!

[Cassia]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Hi all

Greenie - thanks for getting us started. I am also making my first coffee of the day. I hope I can actually taste it. Tonsillitis has been a bugger.

Bear - use your anger for positive forces - remember how angry you feel right now the next time the drinking thoughts come knocking at your door. The 'I'm not that bad BS' kept me from stopping for so long and you know what - it was bad enough for me. It was bad enough for me for years before I stopped. You can get there - you just need to get a plan in place, anticipate your triggers and how you will deal with them and get on with it. It will be fine.

Lav - congrats on granbaby 2. He is absolutely gorgeous.

plus side to tonsillitis - lost the five pounds i have been trying to shift for 5 months! wahey!!!

x

[universal]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Morning abbers,

I hear you loud and clear Bear - I have thought that way for years as well. Still do. I have a lot of work to do on myself and on my addiction. But I know I can get through it.

Feeling frustrated this morning - and tired. I was hoping for a friend to touch base with me about getting a coffee today and have not heard from her. Of course in my head I make that into a huge deal when really it's not. I just get myself excited and then let down. I need to work on that to!!

Ah crap, I have tons to do - better zoom zoom!

[Doggygirl]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Hi fabbies! Man I missed a lot of ACTION yesterday!!!

Congrats Lav on that beautiful (BIG) bouncing baby boy! Well, really he looked more like he was sleeping rather than bouncing but still! I used to complain that I didn't like my name. (DG - HEY what's not to like about that!???) Anyway, one day my Mom said that my Dad got to name me. If SHE would have named me, it would have been after both of my grandmothers. I had to think about it for a minute (didn't use their first names!). It slowly dawned on me that my name either would have been Edith Lucille or Lucille Edith. I then became much happier with Elizabeth / Beth. MORE PICS!!! Congratulations!

M3, I like that topic yesterday "I'm not that bad." I was a prisoner in my house, and secretly thinking suicide might be a great option. Hoarding pills for that just in case. But I didn't have a DUI so I wasn't "that bad." TWISTED!!! That is all.

Jenny, congratulations on your college aspirations!!! I met a woman when I was in college early in life who was in her 80's. She was taking art appreciation classes. She told me you are never too old to pursue more education. I'll never forget that. Good luck to you!

Marshy - I'm glad your Mom is in good spirits. I wish my Dad could find some good spirits. :upset: Liked what you said about "not that bad" thinking which happens to ALL alcoholics regardless of where we are on the scale of things.

LVT - Your "Life of an Athlete" program sounds awesome. I'm sorry to hear more coaches, etc. chose not to get involved. It's an important issue. I was just thinking over the last several days about wanting to drink, and whether I would want to again if there was a "cure." (short answer - NO) AL is really nothing but trouble waiting to happen, whether a person is alcoholic or not. What is the risk compared to the "reward" (which I have determined by looking back on my life is certainly NOT a reward!)

HC - you sound so good. I'm so happy for you! I'm sure you have answered this questions somewhere else and I keep missing it. What kind of horses do you have? (or if you are tired of answering that question, just tell me to do a "search"!!!) I am also interested in what your naturopath is suggesting for anxiety. I think that is an issue for many problem drinkers.

Bear, welcome back to AF-land. I think we all have to reach a point where we are just completely fed up with our own BS about drinking. Sounds like you are there - congratulations! I think having a plan to get things accomplished and stay busy is a positive thing. Boredom is trouble (for me anyway) and many activities leave me with a sense of accomplishment and positive feelings - good for sobriety for me. Have a good day!! I order and return a lot of stuff too. I wear tall sizes and they rarely have those in the stores (pants). I used to feel bad about returning stuff but not any more. The companies with easy returns policies get lots of my business!

Uni - I loved reading your description of your hook up with your old GF. :l I hope you have another good day! Does she live near you?

Greenie - thanks for starting things off today!! Where was your sister trip to be? Are you going anyway? Are you looking for a sub sister and where do I apply for the job?

Hello to Deter and mylife and anyone else I have missed! yes - where is JaneJane?

I have been following the Baclofen info in the meds section with interest. I of course do not have time to read every post but try to stay up on the latest happenings in addiction treatment. It seems that some people are having success with Baclofen where other methods have failed. Anything that brings sobriety to even one more person is a blessing as far as I'm concerned.

I am reading the book "The End of My Addiction" by Dr. Oliver Amiesen who pioneered this treatment. This has raised the question of "cure" to me (as he uses that word) and the philosophical point - what would "cure" mean to me, and would I ever drink again?

You know what? I have zero interest in drinking again. Not under any circumstances. I don't fantasize positively in any way shape or form about drinking. So whether there is ever a "cure" or not is completely irrelevant to me. I was actually astounded to contemplate this, and realize I have come this far in recovery. For today anyway, fantasies and notions of drinking are GONE. What a miracle. I feel grateful I did not have to take any prescription drugs to reach this point. (and I do not blame people who do that - I would do it too in a heart beat if other methods had not worked for me)

Anyway...that's the random babble from the dog house today!!! I'm going to get out there and LOVE MY DAY!!! One thing is for sure...

DG

[Lavande]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Good morning Abbers!

Ah, feel rested this morning after a haf decent night's sleep
It's exhausting becoming a grandma over & over :H

Thanks for the well wishes everyone! I'm not sure yet what they plan to call the baby. It would be too weird to call him 'Bill' as in YB! I think I'll call him 'Will' & hope his parents don't mind.
Taking a picture of a sleeping baby is not all that easy as he was on the bed right next to his Mama at the time.

I'm late getting around to feeding animals, etc so I'll get going for now & will be back later. Wishing everyone a terrific AF Thursday!

Lav

[jennyneric]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Good morning abbers! Everyone seams ok today!

Bear you will get back to where you were, it just takes time. I know how you feel believe me!

I will go to Hot Yoga Thurs, Fri, Sat, and Sun and I WILL NOT drink this weekend. WILL NOT!!! (that line is more for me than for y'all)

I need to turn the feelings of deprivation around or this is never gonna work! It feels like a diet, I don't let myself have it, then give in, the over indulge and drink more that I was before I started trying to stop! It's very frustrating. Other than the Allen Carr book (which I can't find in stores here) is there another way to do that? I tell myself it's poison, I tell myself it's unhealthy, I tell myself I'm stupid when I drink it, but that seems to make no difference in the moment! After 20ish days it does get alot easier tho.

Thanks for listening.

One things for sure. . . there will be no AL to ruin this day, or the next!

[Hippy Chick]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Evening all,

My Thursday is over but I still have just enough energy to pop in and check up on how everyone is doing. Did enjoy the rain today, nice to see after so long without any.

DG - I dont actually have horses. I volunteer at the Riding for the Disabled. We take kids with disabilities for rides. We have a max of 6 kids with all sorts of disabilities ranging from spina bifida, autism, downs syndrome and some I wouldnt even know they had a disability. The kids love it, the horses seem to enjoy it and I love it (when I am not having a punch up with a horse!!). It is extremely exhausting physically but very rewarding.

The stuff the naturopath gave me is called Adaptan. It says on the bottle it is to relieve nervous tension and exhaustion due to ongoing stress or anxiety by helping to nourish the adrenal and pituitary function. It contains Rehmannia Glutinosa, Amercian Ginseng, Wild Oats and Lavender. And the other stuff is Metazinc for a healthy immune function. It has a few different zincs in it and some Vit B6. I will give it a go and see how I feel on them. I am still taking the Allone from here and a multi vitamin as well.

I finally did something proactive today and went to see my doctor. She has given me a referral to see a clinical psychologist to address my reasons I keep poisoning myself (with AL that is). So I will step out of my comfort zone by getting out of the house and talking to someone face to face.

Gotta go. Will pop in again in the morning. Have a good sober night/day.

Hipster

[Hippy Chick]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Jenny - just saw your post as we cross posted. Please, please, please work on your feelings of deprevation as i spend all my seven sober months last year feeling the same way and I believe it is what helped me relapse. I was angry the whole time because I couldnt drink. I felt so much resentment but didnt do anything to address it. Please dont fall in to the same trap as I did. Work thru it and hopefully you wont end up like I did.
Hip

[momof3]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Just poppin' in to say hey and to respond to Jenny's feelings of deprivation.

This was a huge issue in my initial months of sobriety. I was "white knuckling" it for about 4 months. I turned to folks on the MWO forum at the time and asked for help. I got lots of great advice. They suggested that I make some goals for myself, find some things to do to fill up all of that time that I now had on my hands because I was no longer drinking. Some suggested focusing on all that I was GAINING from being AF. Others mentioned finding support, friendship etc.

So, I took their advice because I did not want to go through yet another relapse. During the first year of my sobriety, I got seriously back into exercise, trained for a half and full marathon, joined a Unitarian Universalist church, and started doing volunteer and community service work. Along the way, I found lots of nondrinking friends that I have formed meaningful relationships with (some of my other friendships fell by the wayside because they really just boiled down to drinking buddies). In other words, I worked hard at creating a life where there was little room for alcohol. I took the focus off of alcohol and directed it to other things. I started doing all of the things that I couldn't do in the past because my life revolved around drinking.

I still feel like a kid in a candy shop. I continue to explore new and different things to do that I never would have considered when I was drinking. I've taken several personal growth and development courses and also become a serious student of yoga. I'm now considering going through yoga teacher training.

I think many of us struggled with initial feelings of deprivation and I think it is a trigger.

I'm sure others could chime in on how they overcame those initial feelings. What would you add folks?

PS Check out the Toolbox thread too.

M3

[Doggygirl]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Ahh HC. Thank you for repeating yourself for my benefit!!! Now I remember another post where you described your work with the disabled children and the riding program. I have heard SO many good things about programs like that. I really do think animals provide us with a wonderful connection to the universe somehow. That sounds like very rewarding (if exhausting!!) work.

Jenny, I love everything HC and M3 said about deprivation thinking. I too believe it is very dangerous territory. Pity Party Mode is just bad for me on every level - and for me, that's what "deprivation thinking" is. I'm feeling sorry for myself over *whatever* (why can't I drink like other people, why isn't my husband _________ like other husbands, why isn't my family __________ like other peoples, why isn't my work _______________like so and so's, etc.) instead of getting out there and taking resonsibility for myself and my life.

I have TONS to be grateful for. Starting with.....thank GOODNESS I am not that bad!!! Imagine how much more challenging my recovery would be if I had lost my drivers license, killed someone in an accident, lost my home, etc. I am really grateful to be a "high bottom drunk" relatively speaking. And the list goes on from there!!!

I too am inovlved in so many cool activities that were IMPOSSIBLE when I was drinking - especially in the later years. As just one example, I'm totally stoked about working at the theatre for the Dionne Warwick concert tomorrow night. I NEVER EVER would have signed up to volunteer there because I NEVER would have been willing or able to stay sober that late in the day to do it. I don't even want to start counting all the things is life I MISSED OUT ON because drinking was more important to me at the time.

So...am I deprived?? NOT. But I do understand that thinking - been there done that. It's dangerous (IMO) and you are wise (again IMO) to bring it up, talk about it, and be willing to work on it.

DG

[jennyneric]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

I hope this does not come out wrong, it may, but it may not. So to put it out there, I am not angry, I am interested and respect everyone very much so if this comes out wrong just know I am not upset in anyway. With that said. . .

In my drinking career I have missed very little as I have only been drinking heavily for almost two years. Before that I drank maybe once every two months or so. I started drinking heavy every day on July 3, 2009. Yes I know the date. Odd. There was no progression, I drank on Friday's only once every two months or so and then, on that day, I drank, then I never stopped. Something very bad happened in my life and I quite literally ran and hid in the bottle for a year and a half. By most standards I really am not that bad, but to me I am bad, cause I want it everyday, not every minute but everyday. Normal to me is once on a Friday every couple of months, and not having to fight off the cravings before and after that day.

Ok here is the part that may come out wrong. I do not think I am having a "pity party". I am not upset about not being able to drink like I'm not upset that I can't have french fries. But I do feel like I have not "out let" no release, no real way to. . . .well get the feeling that drink gives me. I have "fun" I do things with the family, I work, I exercise, I play, I have 6 animals to care for and two kids and a husband. Just like everyone on here I just want to go have a drink or two and chill, I even want to get drunk and chill. What I don't want is to feel like shite the next day, what I don't want is to KEEP drinking the next day. Those are the feelings of deprivation that I can't shake. I have all the activities that you speak of but what do I do to replace the temporary happiness and euphoric feeling that is such a release to so many "normal" people that I don't have now? That is the question. . .and I know the answer. . .the answer is you can't and you need to just get over it and move on. . .it's that second part that I struggle with. Thank you for listening. . . again. . .and I much appreciate all your replies!

[Doggygirl]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Hi Jenny. I hope I did not offend! I of course can only speak for what it's like for me so I hope I didn't come across as diagnosing you, which I probably did! I hope you will accept my apology.

My happy and euphoric feelings when I drank were very literally drug induced. Happiness with life does not feel the same to me as drug induced euphoria did. Drug induced euphoria came with a bunch of down side for me, like some of the things you mentioned. One drink initiates cravings for much more. Much more leads me to negative consequences such as hangovers, depression, risky behavior etc.

I think it's important for me to always remember that the drinking euphoria was drug induced, and that is not the same as being satisfied with my life in a natural way. Apples and oranges.

Your description of how it used to be (ability to just drink on occassion) and how all of a sudden things changing reminds me a bit of my experience with nicotine. My Dad smoked when we were kids and we hated it. I always swore I never would. As a teenager I "experimented." I didn't even have access to cigarettes on a regular basis much less the opportunity to smoke them for a long time. I told myself then that "I will smoke until I start getting addicted to them, and then I will stop.

Problem is, when I crossed the line, it was too late. I think there is a line like that we cross with addiction. The trouble is, we can't see it coming and once we cross it, it's too late.

Anyway...more ramblings. I hope you are not offended.

DG

[jennyneric]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Nope I'm not offended at all!

I respect you opinion and look forward to it really

What you said about the drug induced euphoria, I get that. . .being "high" on life most certainly will never feel the same as being "high" on a drug. Hadn't though of it that way before. So, of course, if I choose not to do drugs then I am choosing not to experience the euphoria that is caused by the drugs because the euphoria is what causes the addition to the drugs. I think I get it. Now if I can just get over it. . .

[LVT25]

AF Daily - Thursday 4/7

Hello friends,

I am literally headed out the door, but I want to leave you with something I came away with from the amazing conference I went to this week:]

"Alcohol is a metabolic POISON that crosses all barriers and negatively affects all systems of the human physiology simultaneously."

Yeah, I really feel deprived.

Have a great sober day all!:h