Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

[retteacher]

Everyone: Last night's BB reading was so relevant to me. We're reading in the section w/stories of people w/high bottoms...not that my bottom felt very high. The story hit most of most of my experience:
-starting alcoholism later in life.
-slowly progressing from social drinking to compulsive drinking.
-hiding the drinking.
-physical & emotional damage.
-not feeling that I was an alcoholic because I hadn't gone to jail, lost everything, etc.

The subsequent discussion was excellent w/many people saying they had that experience. I think I deluded myself for a long time about being an alcoholic. I just felt that "somebody like me" could not be one. People expressed that a huge burden was lifted in admitting powerlessness. I certainly feel that way. Issues related to drinking no longer have a place in my life:
-how much can I drink?
-when can I have my next drink?
-is anyone noticing?
-etc.
I don't have to worry about those ridiculous machinations any more.

I had a down day on Sat. I think it was about leaving my mom in FL & a kind of painful discussion w/my daughter. I'm feeling what I'm feeling wo/having to numb out. It isn't easy, but the alternative (drinking) is not an option. I don't even want it to be an option. This too shall pass.

Mary

[Kimberley]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Hi all,

Thanks for starting us off Mary. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Well I have my 2nd commitment - my first one as greeter I was put forward for, but this one I volunteerd for. I don't even know how or why, but I just stuck up my hand and said I'd do it. so now I am a tea-maker too

And I had my first experience today of sharing honestly how I'm feeling in a meeting and feeling much better for it. I suddenly started feeling today that I look old and ugly and fat - it sounds silly but it actually really affected me. I was out when the feelings started overcoming me and I nearly started crying in the street. I felt like drinking - I was skinnier when drinking as I didn't eat, and didn't care as much how I looked and felt invincible.

Anyway I didn't want to go to the meeting tongiht at all as I was so down on myself but there weren't many people there so I knew I'd 'have to' share. And I feel so much better. The chair was talking about acceptance and about how your actions can be the driving force of your life, not your feelings. It really helped and I didn't feel so bad about feeling this way for a while, knowing I didn't have to drink on it and I wouldn't.

As you said Mary, this too shall pass. I wasn't having these feelings earlier today or yesterday and I already feel better now having shared it. Maybe tomorrow I will be grateful for what I have and start appreciating myself again.

K x

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Kimberly: I know you'll feel better. You did the right thing going to a meeting. It ALWAYS makes me feel better. I'm going to one tonight. It's a big, noisy, social, speaker meeting. I meet up w/friends there.

Committments: I too have make a committment. I will be telling my story at this very meeting next week. I'm trying not to think about how I'll feel standing at that lecturn in front of 100 people. Maybe I'll be calm, maybe not. I just know it's the right thing to do: that is to speak when I'm asked to.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Hi all. Mary, thanks for getting us going for the new week. I too hope your down feelings pass quickly!

Kimberly, I can relate to the self image feelings you were having today. I've had some of that going on lately too. I like the idea your chair person spoke of - actions v. feelings. Actions are SO critical in my life. Actions like going to a meeting, opening up and sharing especially if I don't want to, etc. impact change. Sitting on the sofa wallowing in my feelings is just not as good for me most times. Good for you on your service work and especially for sharing!!!

Mary, you are going to do fine as a speaker. All of us have something special to say that helps someone, somewhere. I know you will help people!

You are my meeting for today. ACTION is such a good message.

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

I keep thinking about the fact that every one of the steps starts w/a verb. We have to DO something in order to get better.

[Newgrange]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

That was a great post Mary. You could be talking about me. The secret drinker was my style.

Hello all, catching up on news. Was away for a few days with friends. It was a struggle. Nobody put me under any pressure nor indeed did anybody noticed my sobriety but I struggled with it.

Still AF.

I am thankful for that.

Lavande what a beautiful grandson you have.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Newgrange: I'm not sure if I've seen you at this thread before. Welcome! Do you go to meetings? It's certainly not necessary in order to share here & enjoy this thread. How long have you been AF? It gets easier as you go along to stay AF.

I'm doing OK. I managed to get out of the funk I was in. It gradually wore off as I went about my days. That's what I wouldn't have been able to figure out while I was drinking. Any kind of negative emotion or situation would set me off into a drinking spree, & I could never gain the knowledge of how to work out of it on my own. Learning to "take life on life's terms" has been a huge challenge for me.

Hiding my drinking was the biggest negative in my life while I was drinking...worse than the physical agonies. It meant that I had to lie every single day...either by commission or ommission. I had to cover up my drinking, my physical state, & my mental/emotional state. I had to find dishonest ways to get rid of bottles & get new ones. It was all very complicated, & the final outcome was a slow destruction of my integrity & self-esteem. I wouldn't want to go back there for all the money in the world. It was awful, & I try never to forget that.

Take care one & all.

Mary

[Newgrange]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Thank you Mary.
I am not long here but I instantly clicked into the good supportive energy here. It keeps me strong and everyone has welcomed me and I am thankful for that. I am 36 days AF, a relatively short time but a huge achievement for me. I am having a tough week this week but working my way through it. Most of the people I know would be amazed if I said I had a problem with alcohol, that's how good I was at hiding it but it became exhausting, my health was suffering and it was time to call a halt.

Thanks for replying to me. I find your contributions helpful. Take care and stay well.

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

He everyone. The Daily Reflections readings are really speaking to me this week! I LOVED the one yesterday about "Giving Up Insanity." I could go on for days about how insane things got for me with alcohol, but a few highlights include:

* Drinking on the job despite my boss being on to me and warning me about it.
* Quitting a very high paying job for some BS "front story" but the REAL reason was I quit to drink more freely.
* Pouring vodka or wine rather than coffee at 5AM.
* Blaming all of this crazy behavior on _________________ (boss, husband, family, circumstances, weather, etc.)
* Drinking and driving, all the while convincing myself I NEVER drank and drove.
* Thinking suicide was a good solution to my problems.

Well, that's a start anyway. Insane indeed. Amazing how things can change just by removing the AL. Then things can change a LOT when we DO SOMETHING! Real recovery begins with action. (love that Mary!)

I also loved todays Daily Reflections reading about "The False Comfort of Self Pity." I wasted a LOT of time and energy wallowing in self pity and "demanding" attention from others - especially from my husband. It never worked. It was a waste of time and energy. The antidote for me is a working gratitude list, and just changing the scenery and DOING SOMETHING rather than wallowing in a bad place. I'm glad I know that now - what a gift!

I am on the e-mail list for Sober Vacations. Sober Vacations International - since 1987 It's not on the web site yet, but they sent an e-mail today that the Sober Club Med excursion in February 2012 is to Turks & Caicos. :yougo: Me and Mr. Doggy signed up!!! I'm so excited!!!! It would be so fabulous if other MWOers decided to go. This will be me and Mr. Doggy's first "real" (i.e. non-camping) vacation in about 10 years and our first sober vacation together ever. I am SO EXCITED!!!! We have about 10 months to save up our pennies and get it all paid for in advance.

I guess that's enough babble from me for today!!

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Newgrange: I too hid my drinking very, very well. My husb was aware of some of it, but the real daily drinking was beyond him...either that or he was in denial. My friends would be shocked that i felt I had to join AA. My family too. My daughter thinks I'm "too hard on myself" when I identify as an alcoholic. As DG put it one time, we alcoholics are sneaky bitches. Not very flattering but true. Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

DG: I went to sober vacations & didn't see the vacation you mention. I'm not even sure where Turks & Caicos is. I'll call when I get a chance. M

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Mary, the new trip is not on the web site yet. But if you call them, they can give you the info. If you google "Club Med Turks & Caicos" you can see the fabulous resort!

Sneaky bitches indeed. I know I was. (actually, I thought I was a lot sneakier than the reality.....you are right Mary that our loved ones can have denial too....)

DG

[Newgrange]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Loved the sneaky bitch reference from DG and Mary. So true. I laughed out loud and given that I am having a tough week I needed the laugh. :H. I know what you mean Mary when you say that your daughter says you are hard on yourself. My daughter says the same but there is no way I seem to be able to moderate as when I try I slip slowly and very sneakily back into sneaky alcohol land. No thanks.

Best wishes to you all.

[Rusty]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Hi Everybody!

I am not a regular on this thread but I just had to say to Mary, Doggygirl, and Newgrange....I learn so much from you and the wisdom and value you add to my life is infinite in many ways. You are worthy AA representatives and mentors. Thank you.

[Horsegirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Apr. 10 - 16

Good Morning, All!!!

Great posts this week, as usual. I totally agree with Rusty about you all being worthy AA reps and mentors. This is an awesome avenue to "carry the message".

I, also had to chuckle out load when I read the sneaky bitches bit. I surprised many people around me when I came out with "my secret". I am still ashamed that I am capable of such dishonesty and deceit. I think when our family members tell us that we are too hard on ourselves, we are just being honest with ourselves and accepting ourselves as we are. This is the first time in my whole 48 yrs of life that I have done that.

I am so thankful to have a recovery program where I can learn to change myself and my attitudes in such a healthy way.

Thanks for all your posts!!!

Have a super weekend!!!

HG