I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

[universal]

I have been struggling as you know.

Today my 10 year old daughter with tears in her eyes said, "mom, I can tell when you've been drinking, you can't lie to me anymore, why do you try? Why can't you just stop? i don't want to live like this anymore - I can't tell my friends, I have to hide this from everyone. Just stop"

Okay, I think I hit my brick wall. Do I ever feel like the biggest bag of shit now. I am in so much pain - I have to end this cycle of sober, drunk, sober, drunk. It has to end. And it has to end now.

[mumofsix]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Hey universal - I have posted in your other thread - go read it. Just start from today. I too have a 10 year old daughter and they are vunerable at this age. Come back to me or message me.

[Determinator]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Uni, I'm sending you a ton of strength. this is your time to bounce off that brick wall and do what you know you need to do. look yourself in the mirror and introduce yourself to a proud non-drinker. you and your daughter deserve it hon. xxxxxx

[Sarasmiles]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Uni,
I so want to help, but don't want to put my foot in my mouth with dumb advice, seeing as I haven't known you long and don't know the whole story. I'll make my points, ask my questions, and you can disregard them if they're all "been there, done that" suggestions.

Join a face to face support group. AA, SMART, Women for Sobriety...Keep trying until you find a good fit.

Why do you stay with your husband? Can you leave him?

What is your plan for staying sober? When you make it two weeks, what tools have helped you through? What happens to those tools, when you decide to drink again?

Can you hang on to the things your daughter said tonight, and pull them out to look at when you want a drink? It's not a tape you'll want to replay, but in my very humble opinion, you'll have to. What she said alone is enough. Play it over again when you feel the urge to drink. You say "fuck it", and "people just tell me I suck" (on your other thread) , but that's not true. This little girl is not telling you you suck. She's pleading with you. She loves you. She's not criticizing you, she's asking you to take care of her needs. So go ahead and say "fuck it" to your husband and anyone else you want to, but not to your child, whom I know you love.

You are right. It has to end now. Make the choice to stop for good, and fight like hell to make it happen.

Again, if this is all meaningless and off the mark, I'm sorry.

Love to you,
Sara

[universal]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Sara, not off the mark at all. I did AA and unfortunatly had a sponsor that pushed me out of the program with her so strong religious and BB attitude. I do attend women for sobriety and love it.

My husband loves me very much and has stood by me through a lot - I think he is just finally frustrated. He is not a hurtful or mean man by any means, he is trying to give me the slap in the face (not literally) that he thinks I need so that I can finally say "okay, sober it is".

I went 7 months sober. It was great. And then I relapsed. And I didn't think it affected my daugther that much until tonight. And I got the whole story - and she is is so much pain because of me. Breaks my heart. But also wants me to say " you know what? I can and will do this". I don't want to see her hurt and I don't want to drink so why not kill 2 birds with one stone? Fuck!!!! I'm trying. And I will keep trying. i will never give up. But I hope this time is it. At least now I can look back at the tears I saw tonight and the pain in my baby girls eyes and say to myself - "why?". I hope that helps me.

[CS04]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Uni, this is weird but I was just thinking of you today, mentally checking if I still had your phone number (which I do). I too still struggle, but would love to talk again. PM me if you like, or I can call you, and/or I check into chat most nights; headed there now. Hugs xoxo

[peacenik]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

uni...i needed to see this post today. i am going through the same sorts of things now as well. i need to do it too...fuck it's hard.

hugs

[greeneyes]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Uni every day I summon thoughts of love and support and surround you with that energy and hold you there. I can't think of what else to do. :l

[momof3]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Hi Uni,

I can only speak from my own experience...

When I finally quit for good, it was for my kids, not for me. I did not want them to have a mom who was deteriorating into nothing. I saw how it was affecting them. I was not present for these 3 beautiful girls who love me so much. I would wake up in the morning shaking from too much alcohol the night before and couldn't wait to start drinking again. How sad is that? Three children that I wanted so dearly. I knew if I did not stop, that I would not see them grow into young women. Eventually my sobriety became for me, but at first it was for them.

I also have alot of pain from the past. Not the same as yours but painful nonetheless. It was a great contributor to my drinking (although alcoholism does run in my family). I have worked hard to train my mind not to go there too much. I find it's important to know where I came from and why I am the way I am but too much of that can just paralyze me and keeps me in the past. What works best for me is staying in the present as much as possible, not getting too wrapped up in my own shit, and being there for others.

Once I had some significant AF time, everything else fell into place.

Tap into that beautiful, bright, strong being inside of you. Know how much opportunity there is now for you and your daughter given her honesty and love for you.

:lM3

[Lavande]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Uni,

Seriously, what Sheri just said is so true!
Change that station in your head & start thinking about yourself in a loving, kind & positive way. I did that & it worked miracles for me. Treat yourself better than you've ever treated anyone & feel the love & light offered to you here :h

[Doggygirl]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Uni, I am thinking of you today and sending you as much love and hope as I can muster from the bottom of my heart. I love so many posts here and especially what was said about doing this for your daughter if you are not quite ready to do it for yourself. And also sheri's technique for talking to ourselves in a loving way.

:l

DG

[mumofsix]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

What everyone else has said - you have to believe in yourself. Other may call you useless but YOU believe it and keep yourself stuck in the "victim" cycle like we all do to punish ourselves cause we drink. I am the same as you - I was told my whole life I was useless by my Dad BUT I now realise that they are just excuses I use to live in the past,keep being a victim (he called me this or that so I might as well drink and blame him for the feelings) and live up to the expectation. JUST go AF keep going and ride with the feelings. Sounds simple - it actually is JUST a decision. I gave up smoking 5 years ago and havent touched a ciggie since - I had such severe withdrawal that I could have literally screamed some days. Today as I type I am shaking from alcohol withdrawal, I have had NO sleep for 4 days, my stupid husband is away in Atlanta while I'm stuck in NZ looking after the kids and I am pissed off and whats become my life - will I drink today? NO I will honour myself and my body by going for a run, I'll honour my kids by putting them on the bus to school, I will honour my home by cleaning it and my garden by doing THREE hours of lawns on our farm. Dont use excuses to keep you stuck in the cycle.

[Newgrange]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Hi universal. I gave up a few years ago and after a few months I relapsed. What I did not do was get back on track. I reverted back to the way things were. I do not plan to do that this time.

You have had a few blips, lost a few battles but still on track trying. That really counts. Get back on track as soon as you can and take it day by day.

Nobody can predict tomorrow. All we have is now. Good luck.

[mario]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Hi universal cant add much more than what has already being said,

Just sending you hugs, you will pull through this, keep posting.

[FancyC]

I desperatly need my peeps now for sure

Hope things are going better for you today. Wanted to add that the responses here are wonderful insights for me to reflect upon as well.