Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

[retteacher]

Everyone:

It's been interesting working step 3, because it's not in my nature to turn anything over to an HP. I like to try to control everything...including outcomes. I'm working on my list of people & situations that I need to turn over that I still try to have some control over. I have some time today to work on it.

Last night's meeting was really wonderful w/lots of gratitude. As soon as I pulled into the parking lot of the meeting, I saw all my friends. It's such a feeling of belonging. When I think about the isolation of drinking, I'm just so grateful that there is a group of people I can feel comfortable around.

Take care one & all.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Hi Mary and thanks for starting us off this week. How is your daughter doing? Is she out of school for the summer now? Will this summer be a time of rest and rejuvenation for her?

I too have trouble turning anything over. I like control, and I also have problems trusting anyone or anything. It has been so good for me to work on this over time within the AA structure of activities. (steps, meetings, events, travel, friendships, etc.)

I met formally one on one with my new sponsee today. It is so humbling and so uplifting to be asked to sponsor others. What little I know so far about where she has been - I really admire her for continuing to fight for her sobriety. Heroin and crack are a deadly combo. If she is willing to work for a clean and sober life, then I am willing to work along side her. We have started reading the Big Book together and had a great discussion today about the Dr's Opinion and some of the foundational things about AA. Most importantly, that no matter how hopeless a situation seems, recovery is always possible. She has been through rehab a number of times as well as courts and jail. She says she really wants it this time, and her actions that I have witnessed in the last several weeks speak to that.

Sponsees are truly a gift, regardless of their sobriety status. I feel like there is many times more juice in my battery today than there was just days ago. I love having such a great reason to get out my books and look at all the notes I took when my sponsor talked about each chapter with me.

I hope everyone is doing well and Phil I hope you are safely back to your home group this week!!!!

DG

[AMELIA]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Hello there Retteacher and DG,

Thank you for your reply to my post the other day DG. It has been good to get back to these boards and read posts and follow some of the AA threads.

It is so good to see so many old names – doing so well and enjoying their sobriety

I have found myself wanting to immerse myself more in the fellowship recently - which is obviously a good thing.

I am nearly a year sober with AA and up until a few months ago, felt a little peripheral to the fellowship here in my hometown.
Since taking on a second service position 6 weeks ago - secretary to a large mixed meeting, I have felt more 'at home' and a part of the fellowship. It is a shift that has happened within me. Following many years as a secret drinker, it has taken some time for me to open up, let my defences down, and allow myself to become part of the group.

I have found it quite daunting - speaking in front of 40 or 50 people every week (one of my big fears), but I agreed to do it when it was suggested, because I thought it would be good for me. Plus, I am now more conscious of the 'giving back' part of AA and at the very least, would like my contribution to reflect the immense gratitude I have for every sober day I have.

I have control issues too. Especially within my relationship. I feel like I must tell him how to do everything. When I am able to, I try to just sit with my feelings (about wanting to control – or advise) and take no action. The feelings pass and I am able to move on without forcing my will onto my partner. It doesn’t come naturally for me though. Lots of work needed there.

I too love that feeling of arriving at my home group. It is a ladies meeting – the one that I felt most comfortable with when I first joined AA. It is a wonderful feeling of belonging.

DG – I don’t have a sponsee, but can imagine how rewarding it must be to share in and help another with their journey in sobriety. I have come across many people in my hometown that have had multi addictions and I wonder how they have managed to pull themselves up and out of the dark place they went to. What a wonderful thing the fellowship is.

Have a great day everyone.
Amelia

[Kimberley]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Hello all!

Hope everyone's been doing ok. I've been a bit busy, ill and had a trip to my parents hvuse so not been on much lately. Hope to remedy that now

What you were saying about step 3 Mary, it's funny how everyone seems to fear 4 and 5. I imagine I will have no problem with them when I get there as I've been through enough spilling stuff out to various counsellors etc, but I know step 3 will take a lot of effort for me to swallow!

DG, I am in the process of trying to find a sponsor. I know to jus ask someone who has what you want and has the time to do it. I am being really picky but one of my major life goals at the moment is to find one. I guess I need to increase and vary my meetings until I find someone. It's funny as I think I'd find it easier working with a male - all my best relationships are with males, friends and therapists. I relate more I think. Guess I have more testosterone than the average girl. I know you're supposed to stick with the same gender, but maybe if I picked an old guy or possibly gay??

Amelia, great job on nearly a year! I hear you on pulling back a bit and feeling disconnected. When I was doing my 90/90 I got to know so many people, took up every coffee invitation going, but afterwards I let it slide a bit. So I have made more of an effort and yes commitments 'force' you to join in more - in a very good way.

My first secretary went well, don't think anything went majorly wrong. I can't wait for the second one (I do alternate weeks) - I have asked a great guy to do the chair. He's got over 30 years. I met him in my 2nd week of 90/90 and we swapped numbers when I said I was new (he's 60 or 70-odd). Since then he's texted me everyday to check up on me, tell me a joke or a story and just keep tabs on me. And I've only met him once! He really does walk the walk.

Hope everyone's having a lovely week. It's my belly button birthday today. My last one, I felt so depressed that I spent half of the day in tears, the other half drinking to stop myself crying. What a difference today. I've never really liked my b'day (don't like to be the centre of attention sometimes) but today there is no drama about it. This really is progress

K x

[AMELIA]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Kimberly - HAPPY BB BIRTHDAY!
Wishing you a very happy day filled with love and contentment!

Great to see you taking on a secretary role too. Will be good to hear how you get along with it.

Amelia

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Hello all! Amelia, I loved reading your post about how you are beginning to overcome your fears and feeling comfortable speaking up and giving back and getting more involved in the fellowship. It made me think of a flower blooming!!! I can so relate to the challenge of giving up the notion of "control" with the Mr! It took me a long time to realize I never had a hope of controlling him anyway. So any attempts on my part were truly an exercise in beating my head against the wall. Acceptance + learning how to ask nice and accept whatever result I get have made for much more peaceful living around here. And a much more willing Mr. Doggy on many fronts too. It's a process, that's for sure!

Kimberly, you are like a flower too - what a joy to hear about all of your experiences as you grow in sobriety! And Happy Birthday! I can really relate to your question about men and women and comfort levels with the two. I think you will find that many women coming into AA feel as you do - more comfortable with men than women. I felt that way too coming in. Only you can decide what seems right for a sponsor. I will offer my own experience on it more as it pertains to women in general and how AA has helped me.

When I first came to AA I felt far more comfortable around the men than the women. I told myself things like "it's because I grew up with only brothers and no sisters" and stuff like that. What I have discovered about it over time is that I never really learned to fully trust women. I had a very deep fear that women could see right through me and would see my weaknesses, etc. I had a deep fear the women wouldn't like me. (none of this was obvious to me AT ALL when I first started going)

Without really knowing it, I think my greater comfort level around men had to do with an idea that they really can't see through me. They don't fully understand women, so I have a buffer. I subconsciously thought I could keep my insecurities, fears, etc. to myself, and manipulate the men in a superficial way as I had always done. That was a comfort zone for me. (none of this in a sexual way - but a comfort zone rooted in manipulation just the same)

None of this is to say that I haven't learned a lot from the men in the program. My Step Coach (RIP) was very special to me and taught me so much. He was my unofficial sponsor for several months. (and I have met other women in the program who have had male sponsors - Mary here had a male sponsor initially too). I am really speaking more to the issue of my own experience with discomfort around women at first, and what I have learned about myself from the experience.

Step Coach would not hear my 5th Step - he said a woman needed to do that. I asked Sister and LOL she said "YOU CAN'T BE SPONSORED BY A MAN - I AM YOUR SPONSOR!!) and that's how that all started. Mean time, I started really examining my feelings about it and digging deeper. And forcing myself out of my comfort zone and into women's meetings and other women's activities outside of the rooms. (i.e. Stitch & Bitch, going for coffee, etc.)

Tough Chix has taught me a lot of this. I feel raw and vulnerable when I'm there which reveals the truth for me. I am slowly learning to trust other women and let down my guard and not worry about any judgements that may or may not occur. It is a slow process.

This may not be what you are experiencing at all. It's just what I thought about when I read the description of your feelings about maybe pursuing a male sponsor because I had those same feelings about it. I am grateful for the help that Step Coach gave me. At the same time, I can also not envision myself having a male sponsor again. (but who knows for sure!!) I completely understand the reasons it is not recommended and I suppose I am reaching a point where I'm willing to honor and respect traditions that have developed over many years. Maybe they are developed for good reason, and "I don't know best." (very hard for me to admit when I don't like something!!!!)

Anyway....that is a short story long!!! I hope you find someone you connect with soon for sponsorship - whether it be man or woman. Whether it works well or not, it is a great learning and growth experience in the fellowship. While it was difficult, I learned much of value with my first sponsor even though it didn't work out. (and we are friends today, which is a mature thing that I NEVER would have been capable of previously!)

DG

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Hi again! Yesterdays meeting was great. Open topic Tuesday and we talked about judgement. How it starts as a little seed in the mind, and then can grow into something that is never good. Resentment, gossip, or just the negative energy that comes when the wrong stuff is rolling around in our heads. Helpful tools to resist judgement were discussed. Things like:

* Remembering the two kinds of business - my business and none of my business.
* We CAN change the channel on our thoughts. Prayer and meditation help with this. (aka Greenie's siggy line that said "Thoughts become things - pick the good ones")
* Resist the urge to let a judgemental thought come out of my mouth and become gossip.
* Remember that my job is to work on me and leave others alone.
* I know I am resisting a good lesson when the word "but..." enters into it.

Great food for thought for me. Especially one share about how judgement is driven by fear. I thought about that a lot yesterday.

Have a nice day everyone!

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Great reading here! Thank you one & all.

I love: There's my business & none of my business. That puts a great truth succinctly!

Yesterday, I took the 3rd step w/my sponsor. We talked about all the things I cannot control that I would LOVE to control: specificially others...everything they do & think. Now, I know that I can turn everything over & concentrate on myself & my own thoughts & behaviors. She told me to say the Serenity Prayer whenever I get that feeling of wanting to control. We held hands & said the 3rd step prayer together...it was a powerful moment.

I've been to 2 meetings where there has been a real emphasis on HP & prayer/meditation (11th step). Is God trying to tell me something? Maybe to slow down a little in order to let my HP in to guide me? Anyhow, they were wonderful meetings.

My daughter has reached the 1 year cancer-free mark. We're going down to FL together to see my mother who was hit very hard by her illness. It'll be emotional but good, & I'll need my program to get me through the week.

Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Last night we celebrated Father's Day w/my daughter, SIL, & g-sons, as they were away last weekend. We had a lot of fun. Kids jumping around, dogs barking, my daughter & I trying to play a game of Scrabble in between it all. Who ever thought you could have so much fun sober? I just assumed that drinking was the start of a good time, that you couldn't get there wo/it. Now I know that I don't need it. We took our leave early so that my husb could watch the president on TV. No slurring, no paranoia, no headache, etc. M

[pingu1997]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

I went to AA for the first time today
I came out feeling dazed, weird and confused
Please help me, is this normal or should I have fit in straight away?

[Kimberley]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Hi Corinne,

I would say that's normal- it can be very overwhelming. Well done for even stepping through those doors. I cried the whole way through my first proper meeting (I had been to about 4 in 12 years before that and just popped in, sat at the back and ran out at the end). I couldn't take that much in as I felt so rubbish but I saw that it was different from what I thought. And I could see people who looked happy and supported each other.

Did you announce that you were a newcomer? I got an aa member to meet me at my first proper meeting and that made it a lot easier - I wouldn't have understood any of it without that. I did that by phoning the helpline.

My tactic for getting over the weirdness, not knowing people etc was at every new meeting to sidle up to the person making the tea and coffee and tell them I was new, scared and didn't know what was what. Pretty soon people were taking me under their wing, letting me sit with them, and then the invites for coffee started and I took them up.

Very nervous about all of this at first and feeling like the outsider but people couldn't have been nicer when they knew I was new. After a couple of months I felt like a 'regular' at my local meetings and I have more AA friends' numbers in my phone than my 'normal' friends!!

What did you think of the meeting and the people other than it all being very odd and new?

K x

[pingu1997]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Honestly, I felt like I had no good reason to be there. These were people who had battled with serious problems and mostly overcome a lot of them. I read on the website that anyone who had a problem with alcohol was welcome. I felt like an outsider, like my story would have sounded crap next to all of theirs. I didn't speak to anyone although a couple of people came up to me at the end and asked if I was OK
I didn't understand a lot of the formal stuff, all the stuff they read out at the beginning. I went with a non-AL mate and we both left feeling confused. It was just weird. I described it like this, if this hadn't been my 100th day AF and i was just starting out, I would have taken nothing from that meeting and probably headed straight down the pub for a beer. It felt established, closed, like everyone knew each other and I would never be part of it. But then social stuff has never been my strong point
I;m coming across really badly I know. I can't articulate how weird the whole experience was I came home and said that's not for me, but I am not one to rush into such decisions quickly. But my gut reaction was never again
I haven't given up on it this early but I need a few days to digest it all, maybe do some reading, and perhaps trying out an evening meeting instead of a daytime one?
x

[jobe1023]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

I think it takes time and the way to look at AA right now is Those people are sober and take from it all the support you can get. Once you walk throuhg that door at an AA meeting your safe take that as a time to feel good about yourself .

[pingu1997]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

I think it will take time and believe me I don't want to come across badly at all, it was just weird and I felt a bit strange being there and it seemed like my issues weren't worth talking about
But then my own self esteem is pretty low
And I need support in staying AL free, I have done 100 days but there are times I've felt like saying F*** it. That's why I went, and ultimately why I will probably go back..

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 20 - 26

Corinne: I didn't understand anything after my first meeting. I just knew I had to go to meetings, because trying to stop drinking on my own did NOT work...& that's even w/coming here to MWO every day. I had to force myself to go to meetings in the beginning, & all I did was listen, listen, listen. You might be able to find a beginner's meeting that might help w/the confusion. If not, keep going & have no expectations. Take suggestions if they are given. Try to make a connection w/someone w/good, quality, long-term sobriety. Gradually the fog will lift. Give it a chance.

AA has changed my life. I have a sponsor who is helping me get through the 12 steps...though I know they must seem confusing & mysterious to you now. You cannot do them alone. I have a support group of people who have gone through what I have gone through, even though many of them have very different stories.

Hang in...good luck. Keep coming to this thread.

Mary

Pingu is adorable.