I'm Back.....

[ItsJustMe]

Hey All ?

I?m back after many months away from the board. I have sort of ?fallen and can?t get up?!!! But before we get into that, here is what?s been going on lately.

I went 6 months AF! I lost 50 pounds. I felt great and according to my lovely spouse, I was looking good (she may be biased however)?.

So I figured I had this AL think licked. I got some new responsibilities at work, the stress built up and I decided I could moderate. WRONG! It started out with just one Rum and Coke. Jeez it was awesome. Fast forward three months. I?m doing 3-4 (sometimes 5) rum and cokes a night ? gained 35 pounds back, and pretty much feel like I have hit an all time low. I am not at all happy with myself. I get up in the morning and feel like crap. My clothes don?t fit well, and I?m generally not happy with the way I look. I also can?t make a decision at gun point! Last Friday night I hit an all time low. I actually passed out watching TV with Mrs. IJM!

That is when I decided this was enough. So, I went Saturday thru Tues AF. I had a particularly stressful day Tues and decided I would have one drink. Ok ? in truth, it was not that stressful of a day and it turned out to be 2.5 drinks. Was I incapacitated? No. Would I have considered driving somewhere? No freaking way! This morning I got up and was majorly disappointed with myself as well as depressed. I?m a total failure!

So, where do I go from here? I want to get back to where I was. Here is the strange part. From the point I wake up until right at 3PM I am dead set ? NO AL! I can almost set my watch ? at exactly 3PM I start thinking about it and wavering. I think ? just one more night then I will start.

I am going to do my best to make last night be the last night. I?m not sure what unnatural act I have to do to myself but this HAS GOT TO STOP!

Sorry for the sad story ? I used to post happy stuff here. Hopefully I can get back to that person that I once really liked.

Take care,
ItsJustMe

[mumofsix]

I'm Back.....

I'm on day three here of being AF - you arent a failure - just a human being. Pick yourself up and start again. Remember the BAD times with alcohol, and how good you looked when you lost 50 pounds! I am a runner, a very very fit marathon runner and I drink too, usually 2 bottles of wine in a hit. I dont consider myself a failure HOWEVER it does affect my training which is why I want to give the booze a rest. I watched a documentary on alcohol in NZ last night, and it was eye opening! Good luck you'll be ok. As for me, time for a run.

[retteacher]

I'm Back.....

IJM: I came here to MWO in 2007 & relapsed over & over until March of '09. I've maintained my sobriety since then. My main reason for relapsing was thinking I could have "just one." I also erroneously thought that after a period of abstinence, I could then drink "normally." Always, within a few days, I was back to old levels & then some. I now know that I cannot drink normally. After many years of abusing alcohol, I've now admitted I'm an alcoholic & cannot drink. I now know that I don't have to be a skid-row bum to be an alcoholic. I don't take my sobriety for granted, because I love the sober lifestyle.
-I know what I'm doing all the time.
-I feel healthy & peaceful most of the time.
-I don't lie anymore.
-etc.

Since getting sober 2 years ago, I've had plenty of ups & downs, including a very serious cancer diagnosis in one of my grown children. I stayed sober so that I could be there for her & for my grandsons.

Good luck. Mary

[Doggygirl]

I'm Back.....

IJM!!! It is so fABulous to see you back here. I missed your wit and humor and hope you stick around this time to share more of that!!

Those thoughts that "now I can drink" are normal. The resolve upon waking, and the wavering at the witching hour is normal. I've certainly been through all of that a million times. I too had a period of soberity - my first ever since adulthood - and then decided I could moderate. That was disasterous for me. And then it was really hard to get back on the wagon. All kinds of "tomorrow" talk.

Fact of the matter is, drinking problems don't get better with continued drinking. They ALWAYS get worse. Always. Every person I know who has what I have has TRIED to drink normally, and none of us have been able to do it. So you are not alone, and you have EVERY REASON to stop that 3Pm bullshit conversation in your head, and get back on the wagon. :b&d:

My fiesty has not changed.

Welcome back.

DG

[Determinator]

I'm Back.....

IJM, good to see you back, you'll be your happy AF self in no time. do something different this time when 3pm rolls around. have a plan to consciously do something. watch a recorded show, have some fruit salad, go for a walk, go to a meeting, something. see you here on ABs,
xxx

[papmom3]

I'm Back.....

IJM!!! :h I've missed you sir! I'm so sorry to hear that you gave in to the beast but I'm so glad you're back here fighting the good fight!! It is imperative that you have an alternative activity planned when the witching hour rolls around for you. For me it was right after work driving home. So I did retail therapy for awhile just to get me past that time frame. Of course that brought me a whole slew of other problems but it was preferable to drinking. Then I changed it up and started running with my dog when I got home and joined Planet Fitness (remember that?). Unfortunately that all went by the wayside when the holidays rolled around and I haven't gotten back to it. I did pick up another hobby, quilting which has been a lfesaver. If I did have to drive by my fav liquor store at the magic hour I would pop a piece of gum in my mouth and go :lalala: until I passed it. It worked!! Now 14 mos AF I rarely give it a thought (I said rarely, not never) and even tho things are not great for me right now, I really don't want to go back to AL ever. Just not worth the pain, physically and psychologically and financially.

We are here for you and hope you will get back to fighting the good fight. Don't forget to get your toolbox together. Reread the book, go into chat, read and post on the Why I don't Drink anymore thread or any other. Just do something besides wishing.

I look forward to seeing back on the daily abs thread regularly and to your wonderful jokes!!

:l

[ItsJustMe]

I'm Back.....

Thanks for all the kind words everyone. Also, a shout out to my old friends Pap, Determinator and Doggie. I really have missed you guys. I have thought about coming back to the board for over a month but was too embarrassed to admit that I failed. I?m about to go to bed and read ? I made it tonight! Small victory?.

I think I have come up with a plan. But first, let me tell you all how messed up I got. I was taking Antibuse. Through some experimentation I learned that if I took AB at 7AM it was out of my system enough by 8PM that I could drink with no serious side effects. This is really messed up. I finally just quit taking it about 2 months ago. I was one step away from drinking Sterno. (Ok, not that bad but you get my point). So, I?ve come up with a cunning plan?.I got my AB refilled this afternoon. My plan is to take it with the vitamins I take at lunch every day. That way, I?m committed to be AF in the evening.

You guys are right, I need to change my habits as well. The problem Pap is that as much as I like shopping I have a kid in college and another in a private school. That leaves my shopping budget at about the Dollar Store level. However, this evening when I got home I cooked a healthy dinner and drank about a gallon of tea. Keeping busy!

I will have to say that I am already feeling positive. Being back here and being reminded that I?m not alone in this fight is totally awesome.

So, to try and get back to the positive IJM, let me end with the IJM thought of the day (like old times?)

?If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation??

Good night all!
IJM

[DogLvr]

I'm Back.....

Hi IJM - I echo RETTeacher's comments. I joined in Dec 06, and go back and forth. I committed to 30 days (16 days ago), and I go through the same feelings you do - wake up fully committed, then by 3pm - CRAVING! But I am making sure I switch things up right after work - working out, walking the dogs, anything to shift my mindset.

And I always feel that I have a better shot of making it if I check in here around that witching hour. The wonderful folks here always make me feel a lot stronger!

[papmom3]

I'm Back.....

:HWhoot Whoot!!:H So glad to have you back IJM!! Retail therapy isn't for everyone and it certainly isn't for me anymore LOL!! Do whatever it takes and for god's sake stop messing around with the Antibuse!! That is serious shite and can really mess you up!!

[retteacher]

I'm Back.....

IJM: It's good that you're honest w/yourself & others (i.e. the AB manipulations). It took me a long, long time to get honest about my drinking...especially w/myself. Once I admitted the seriousness of my problem, I could start to do something about it.

I wouldn't say that I NEVER think about drinking. I still remember the first few satisfying gulps, the spreading warmth. I consciously turn my thoughts to my worst drinking bouts toward the end of my drinking days. It wasn't pretty, & I want never to forget that.

Mary

[momof3]

I'm Back.....

Hey IJM!!!!!

Happy to see you here again.

I had several "quits" before I finally "got it." What worked for me is to be absolutely 100% committed to not having a drink no matter what. During those early days, I really focused on eating heathily, exercising, and keeping busy, especially when the witching hour came along. I would recommend the same for you at 3 pm. Take a walk, cook some good food, log onto MWO, get some stuff done around the house/yard etc.

Also, changing your thinking/language from "I'll try my best not to drink" to I WILL NOT drink. "I will try" keeps the door open to Al. "I will not" shuts it completely. Most athletes will say that much of their success is about keeping their head in the game. I think this is very true for abstinence too. Stay positive and tell yourself that you can do it. Don't let the negative thoughts creep in and when they do, squash them like a bug. You have what it takes to do this. You achieved 6 months. You can do that and much much more.

Check out the tool box in this section IJM. Lots of helpful information.

All the best to you.

:hM3