September Sanctuary

[Lavande]

September Sanctuary

The deed is done & Girl Dog is at peace now. R.I.P. Girl Dog.
Now it's just me & the Piggy Swissy maxie here.

[papmom3]

September Sanctuary

Hi Everyone,

So sorry I've been AWOL for the past week and I'm sorry I worried you all. Thank you so much for all the PMs.

Before I explain, please let me offer my heartfelt condolences to Lav on the loss of Girl Dog. Big hugs coming your way. she was beautiful!

I've been in a very dark place for about a week now. Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry.
I guess the loss of the 2 potential jobs hit me harder than I thought. Last Thursday Job #3 brought the final 3 candidates on campus for their interviews and for some reason I was in the right place at the right time to see one of them being given a tour. It really upset me so I decided to flee to the caf and find an out of the way table and just read while I ate lunch. The woman I thought was my friend who told me I didn't make the final cut found me and came over to say hi. I barely looked up at her, acknowledged her and then ignored her and went back to reading. Pretty immature I know but I just couldn't bear for her to see my bloodshot eyes and know that I'd been crying. She just stood there for a few seconds and then moved on. It was pretty much down hill from there. I begged my boss for Friday off and spent it in bed feeling very down and sorry for myself. I did manage to go to the agility trial on Saturday where I had promised to volunteer. I was kept pretty busy so that was good. Sunday was a vet appointment for my oldest cat (18?) and an attempt to sail with my dad but the winds were too high for his new boat. All through the weekend I had some run ins with the neighbor kids who live next door and have the lab and pit bull. They kept letting their dogs out when mine were out during the early morning or late at night (one time was at midnite-i heard them coming out and asked them to hold off for 5 min as the dogs fence run and go crazy but he blew me off and let her out anyway). I'm still not sure why the system didn't work last weekend-it was very frustrating and in my state I didn't handle it well. Monday I spent a lot of time in bed as well but did manage some chores. Back to work yesterday where I found out I was volunteered by my boss to teach a Freshman Seminar class this semester. No extra pay of course and I still have to manage my work load on top of class time and class prep. Nice. I also found out that the appraisal on my house came in lower than expected so there is a good chance I won't be able to refinance.
So, despite everything I seem to be climbing out of my hole a little bit but basically I don't feel much of anything anymore. I'm living for my "kids" and that is about it. I have an interview for a PT job at an Assisted Living Center as an Activity assistant on Friday. Probably minimum wage but at least it will pay for my heat this winter if I get it. Otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do about oil.
I gave up listening to the meditations as I just couldn't relate to the subject matter and I just got antsy during the whole thing. I'm trying to believe that I am a good person who deserves good things but I'm not being very convincing. I am still AF but primarily because I can't afford to buy any wine. I still wouldn't mind being really numb every nite but I don't want the after affects the next day. It's bad enough regular food gives me nightly heartburn.
I've gained a few more lbs because I can't be bothered to fix decent meals. I just don't have the energy to do anything but snack.

So there you have it. Pretty bleak but I'm not looking for pity or sympathy. It is what it is. Life certainly has not really gotten significantly better since I went AF 16 months ago-it kind of has tanked actually- and that is very disappointing but I know that if I start drinking again there will be no hope at all for any improvement. The one good thing has been meeting all of you and I know that if I am ever to get out of this funk, I'll need you all to help me. I don't think I could bear to lose you all as friends so that alone is enough to keep me AF.

[Lavande]

September Sanctuary

papmom - I think a group hug is in order tonight :groupluv:

We are all going to be OK.
You hang in there & stay close to us :l

[sdlovespackers]

September Sanctuary

Good Evening All!

Yes!!! Couldn't agree more, LAV!! :groupluv: Much needed tonight!! I hope everyone having a tough day or week has a brighter day tomorrow!! :rays:

Pap3--You've come so far and have inspired me and so many on here!! You are an AMAZING woman!!! I'm a better person for knowing you!!! Keep on keeping on lady!! :l

Getting to bed early tonight...will talk more tomorrow!!:h
SD

[Chillgirl]

September Sanctuary

Good morning from a very dark stormy Scotland and a big :groupluv: from me.

Lav -I'm so sorry about girldog she was a beauty, I somehow thought she was very little but I guess compared to Maxie she was.

Papmom - I'm so glad you are with us again. Lean on us until you are strong again. As SD says you are an amazing woman, you just can't see it right now but take our word for it YOU ARE. This too shall pass... it's hard when we allow our minds to spiral to the dark side. We get into a perpetual blackness and it's like a bad carousel ride that won't let us off. If you can do just one thing today that makes you feel good about yourself, do it.

Life may not seem to have gotten significantly better since you went AF but can I tell you if you hadn't it would be significantly worse!! The events that have happened to me since going AF are worse than anything I've ever experienced before but I thank God every day for giving me the time to get sober before hitting me with them. I've lost my husband (due to AL), then since then my home, the Country I loved, having friends close by and all my money! Ok God has a pretty wacky sense of humor :H But I have strength and courage that sobriety has given me and the clarity of mind to deal with it. My mind slipped last night to "I'm never going to get out of this, I will never have a home again, how do I pay my rent next year?". I just stopped and said, you can't afford to go there, I don't know the solution yet but I will find it, it's out there somewhere.

When you look around the whole world is going through trauma, sadly in my job im seeing many people loosing their homes, their marriages and their jobs. I do however get a sense that all our priorities are shifting and we are seeing what's important, like friendship and wellbeing. I'm a pain in the neck Pollyanna but I just have a sense that it will all be ok....

[Stargazerlily]

September Sanctuary

Wow, good morning,

Lav, so sorry about the loss of your doggy. You of course did the right thing, but doing the right thing is not always easy.

Papmom, so sorry about the rough time you are going through, so glad you came back. This is how I try to look at things. All the barometers in my life with not be at 100% ever. So if I categorize financial, health, family, work, friends, etc, there are always issues. In fact, (you can tell how old I am getting) for most of my life I have always struggled with major issues. The main thing is that without alcohol, I can think clearly, make better decisions and have hope. Sometimes we need to give ourselves time to just mope, I have done it myself when I needed to. Then, because we have to, we somehow pick ourselves up and keep on going. I know this is what you are trying to do and I admire you for it. You ARE an amazing woman.

Chill, thanks for your upbeat attitude, I too believe that you will find a way to manage the issues you need to. I heard someone on NPR yesterday talking about this being a time of austerity, frugality and cutting back. We are constantly inundated with more, more, more. The reality is that everything has gone up in price and we are going to have to do with less. I remember talking to my friend's grandmother who told of growing up in a house with 5 kids and two bedrooms, and they did not realize they were poor, it just was the way things were and they managed. Obviously this is an extreme, but the point I am trying to make is that we have so much and don't even realize it. Having said that, not being able to make the bills is scary. Personally, I liked Pollyanna and always try to look at the cup half full.

Rustop, I refinanced my house, the interest rates are so low. It was a really long, strenuous process, and I was very happy it went through. All the houses in my area are going down in price and this was a real concern. You are one busy lady.

To all, have a lovely AF day.

[Lavande]

September Sanctuary

Good morning all,

Dark & gloomy & very, very wet here still in LavLand
Rivers, creeks & streams are flooding everywhere. Grateful to no be close enough to one of them today! I ended up turning the AC back on at 2:30 this morning just to dry out the air a bit in the house, yuck.

Chill, I always referred to Girl Dog as my 'little dog' because she did look little standing next to the battleship Maxie :H

papmom, I hope you stay on the ride with us! We all have to take turns dancing on the dark side of the moon. The trick is to make the dance short I think, don't linger there!
It would be fantastic if our lives improved 100% when we dump AL but it just doesn't work that way. No one was more surprised than I was to see the YB running off more than a year after I quit. I expected him to be happy for me, for us. Obviously I wasn't even on his radar screen

I think this may be a good time for a lot of us to reread 'The Power of Now'. Eckhart Tolle helped me in the past, I think a reread is in order

Greetings to SD, Star, rustop & anyone checking in today!

Lav

[Chillgirl]

September Sanctuary

Evening guys

Star - I hear you and I agree. I WILL manage and although I have lost so much what I have gained is far more valuable. Whenever I think I have it bad someone walks into my office with a much worse story. This week I've had a poor man shaking in front of me because of the debt he is in. His marriage is over and his employer has cut his hours. He was close to a break down. His home has been on the market for over a year and we are unable to sell it. We managed to get him a tenant to rent his house instead and found him a small apartment to rent for half what he will collect. Today he left smiling.....

Lav - I loved your suggestion about the Power of Now and pulled my copy right off the shelf. The 1st page I opened had the following story:-

A beggar sitting on a box by the sidewalk was asking for change, the man he asked replied "I have nothing to give you" then added "what's in the box?" The beggar replied that he had no idea so the stranger insisted he looked inside. To the beggars disbelief the box was full of gold. Eckhart then says he is that stranger and has nothing to give the readers. All he asks is that we look inside as there lies the treasure......

I leave on Monday for Portugal and have very mixed feelings about my trip. It will be so fantastic to see all my dear friends but it has made me realize how I dont have any here and that feels a bit sad. Im also scared that when I step off that plane it will feel like Im arriving home and therefore its going to be twice as hard to leave. I also have to cope with being around the area of my dear little house but I darent drive down the lane to see it, that would definitely break my heart.

On top of this I have to come face to face with my ex, its not looking like being an easy meeting as he is being difficult.:help!
This will be the longest ive gone without seeing him in 22 years and he always stirs up my emotions. I definity need to pack plenty BGP :grannypants: :grannypants::grannypants:
and treat it like an adventure........:aussie:

[Dewdrop]

September Sanctuary

There has been so much happening since I last posted, I am just back from 2 days on a training course in Manchester and there is so much to take in. I don?t have much time; I?m late home and have an early start tomorrow but want to catch up with you.

Papmom I had to respond to you first :l I am so glad that you have posted I have been very concerned about you and my heart goes out to you reading your post. It is so, so difficult when you hit a really bad slump to get the energy and motivation together to pull yourself out, I have been there and know just how difficult it is. I know you are trying hard but I feel you are still struggling and I am sending you all the compassion and love I can muster I just wish you were around the corner and I?d be on your doorstep in a flash. I read IJM?s post to you on the daily thread and he really made a lot of sense. You genuinely are an amazing woman with loads of talent so please, please don?t be hard on yourself, you are worth so much more, and if we can all see that in you then so should you. Why are we/you so hard on ourselves?? :l:l

Lav I am sorry to hear of you having to let your lovely dog go even thought you are fine about it now it must have been very difficult for you to do so, these decisions are never easy and can cause so much turmoil. I hope Curves is still going well. Chill I am sure that your trip to Portugal will be just what you want and need at this point in your life, the universe seems to be on your side these days and you always seem to come out on top. I have mixed feeling about your ex however, why would he not wish to give you your fair share of the business you both had, why do you need to threaten him with a bogus lawyer, if it was a joint business you are entitled to half?? None of my business I know so please feel free to ignore me!

News from the Dewdrop house is that grandchild number 4 made an unexpected arrival this morning 6 weeks early and weighing in at 3lb 13oz, 2 minutes earlier and he would have been born in the ambulance! They didn?t make it into the delivery suite he was born in the corridor on the way in! He is in the Critical Care Unit in an incubator and hooked up to all kinds of tubes and things but is well, he was born breathing and crying (good signs!). On a positive note although a beautiful skinny little thing he is big compared to the other tiny 2lb (and less) babies around him. Being on that unit really made me gulp and take a big breath. He is the reason I?m late home as I made a big detour just to see him on his birthday. DIL is quite emotional tonight because she wants her baby beside her and my son is just relieved that they are both well ? he was panicking when calling the ambulance and packed totally useless things ?? I had to laugh, she called me to ask if I could pick her up some knickers as she left hers in the ambulance - practical or what?

Love to all

Dewdrop :h

[papmom3]

September Sanctuary

Hello my september friends-thank you so much for all your well wishes, support and affirmations. I am trying very hard to take it all to heart. Another piece of bad news I'm afraid-my refi application got denied because the appraisal did indeed come in about 4K less than what I owe. Not sure what my next move is at this point. My contact at the bank has been on vacation this week and is not due back until Tues. I have 14 days to accept or reject their counteroffer which I can't accept as it means at least 1K out of my pocket to cover closing costs. I'm going to let it ride until I can talk to him next week.
On a better note, I met with the other 2 members of my team for the class I will be teaching starting tomorrow. I have been able to "borrow" some documents from other more experienced instructors and spent the day editing them to reflect my class. They are now up on Blackboard which is a program that students and instructors use to communicate, store documents, write blogs and journals, keep up with announcements and store the grades. It's pretty cool and just what this techie likes. This class is part of a regular Chemistry class so the professor of the lecture/lab classes will also be helping me with the Seminar part of the course. My Peer Mentor is a junior science major who is also doing this for the first time but seems very laid back and not at all worried. He had to take the seminar class when he was a freshman too so he knows what the students like or dislike. I'm actually getting excited about this venture and it doesn't hurt that my boss is very much behind it and is excited for me. So score one for a light on the horizon.

Chill-your ex has been so very helpful and supportive in the past. I don't understand why he's being difficult now. I hope Dew is right and the Universe will be on your side in this battle. I do hope your trip to Portugal is a happy, not sad one and that you will be able to leave knowing that coming home to Scotland was absolutely the best decision for you. Thank you also for all my Wall posts. They have been bringing a smile to my face everyday! I also loved your story about the poor man today. Your company does wonderful work!!

Dew-congratulations on the birth of your new grandson!! How very exciting! Sounds like although entry into this world was a little early and rough he will come through with flying colors. Lots of prayers winging their way across the pond.

Star-congrats on the successful refi of your house. I am so glad it will take some financial stress off of you now.

Lav-how are you today? The rain was unbelievable this morning!! still dark and dreary but the rain has stopped. I have never read ET's book but I think I must get it from the library next time I'm there. I did listen to the Clearing CD last nite. Fell asleep on the escalator! :H

Time to get ready for Burn Notice and Suits. I can lose myself in fantasy for a couple of hours.

[Rusty]

September Sanctuary

Good Evening Serene Friends,

I am in Michigan on business and this is a relatively quick check in as I have much work to do yet this evening.

Papmom:l:h....please don't be so hard on yourself....you are so talented, smart and a really good person and I know you'll find the right job. I have been in your financial shoes several times and some nights I could barely close my eyes I was so worried. But I made it work, and I know you will, too. I hope you can find a PT position to help you pay the bills. You're a wonderful friend to all of us here and just know that you have added so much joy to my life. You can count on me and all of us to help you through this. Bravo for knowing that AL will make everything worse.

Lav-I am so sorry about Girl Dog.:l:upset: That must have been so hard for you. I loved the pic of Maxie and Girl Dog.

SD-I don't know what to say about your mom's dream. I think she is feeling sheepish since you have stopped drinking and the rest of your family has not. Maybe she feels she's a bad influence on you and shouldn't drink around you...or maybe she's wondering if she or your sister have an AL problem? I don't know. Seems kind of off the wall, though. As far as my family....we are a mixture of moderate drinkers and teetotalers and I was the one who was uncomfortable when my mom wouldn't drink her wine in front of me. She didn't want to tempt me, but I told her, "when you don't drink in front of me, then you make me feel like I'm weak and a total freak. It makes me feel badly." So, after a few months, she finally relaxed and everything was fine. I can't imagine you being the black sheep. Uh, I don't think so...clearheaded, smart, compassionate....that's you!

Rustop-how come you changed your name to Rustop59? Just wonderin? Is your daughter enjoying the collegiate experience?

Sorry I'm not addressing everyone but I will try to do so tomorrow after work. Have a restful evening!

[Lavande]

September Sanctuary

Good evening all!

My daughter & all 3 grandkids were here today & kept me busy so I didn't have to dwell on Girl Dog. Maxie is confused & won't leave me alone.

Chill, I'm about to grab my Kindle & get back to Tolle
I hope your trip isn't too stressful. Focus on enjoying your friends!

Dewdrop - well congratulations Grandma
Your new grandson sounds hearty & healthy despite his early arrival. He's nearly 4 lbs & that's not bad at all!!!! I hope everything goes well for all of you!

papmom, my chickens are starting to quack I think :H
This rain has been incredible.......
Keep listening to the clearing CD - it doesn't matter if/when you fall asleep. Your subconscious is still listening

Hi Rusty, I'm OK. How are you feeling?
Sounds like you are working as usual, that's a good thing

Hello to Rustop, SD & everyone.

Think I'll try getting to bed sooner rather than later!
Have a good night one & all.

Lav

[Stargazerlily]

September Sanctuary

Good morning...

Rainy day today, it is cold and gloomy. My work has slowed down this past week, and that is OK as I was kind of tired all week. I have not been going to exercise and need to get back in a routine of aerobics, weightlifting, etc., as it gives me uummph, if you know what I mean.

Papmom, we had to come up with extra money to refinance, our house came in at a lower appraisal, too, hence the extra money. It is scary that our homes are losing value daily, except of course from the tax assessor, who raised the value ofour home to collect more taxes. What bullsh##!! That class you will be teaching sounds like a great experience so far, see, with your positive attitude and people skills, you will turn this lemon into lemonade.

Rusty, nice to hear from you. Isn't Michigan beautiful this time of year?

Lav, I know in the past we lost a cat and the one left took to MEowING loudly at night she was so lonesome, hence, we had to get her a friend so we could sleep.

Chill, I know why your ex is being difficult, because of the money. When it comes down to it, alot of men do not recognize that marriage means that it is not all about them. I have worked with families where the husband does not want to pay his wife child support as she will spend it on herself, which is so ridiculous. I am proud of you for holding firm and insisting on your share. I remember your not being able to find a job in Portugal as the economy there was so slow, and know that Scotland is a cold brisk environment in comparison. I wish I could move south as it is getting colder and the warmth is so much easier to deal with. However, with jobs and a house, that would not be practical.

Dewdrop, so good to hear from you, my you are busy. Congrats on the new grandchild, I am so glad that they were able to take advantage of the medical services for premies. I had a friend who had a daughter who weiged about the same and with lots of care she is just fine. It is scarey though and I remember their focus on meeting her needs once she was home.

Again, my weekend will be filled with household chores, some social activity, and reading, reading, reading as it is football season and I can only take so much. Haha. I will watch the ND versus Michigan game Saturday night though.

To all, have a good AF day.

[Lavande]

September Sanctuary

Good morning friends!

Gloomy as usual around here......where the hell is the sun?

Is anyone else feeling creeped out by the news of possible terror activity this weekend on the 10th anniversary of 9/11? I don't ever want to witness something like that happening again.

Planing a trip to Curves to wake up my endorphins, then some serious house cleaning, chicken care & whatever work comes my way

Wishing everyone a great AF day!

Lav

[papmom3]

September Sanctuary

Hey!!
Where was everyone today????

I taught my first class and had fun!! I also interviewed for the PT job as activity assistant and REALLY hope I get it! I loved the Director and the nursing home is small and privately owned. They do so much for their residents!! Crossing fingers that I get the nod next Friday. She got a lot of apps and is interviewing quite a few.

Trying not to think of the possibility of terror attacks this weekend. I'm not prepared at all (my survival kit I assembled the afternoon of 9/11 is long dismantled and the storm kit got raided) so I'm praying for a relaxing weekend, one of my last possibly.
Nite nite!!