AF Daily ~ Sunday Sepr. 11
Hey All
I so nearly said 'Hey AL, c'mere' this morning...
Fought off some strong cravings and FORCED myself (because I really wasn't hungry and my brain was telling me that I really really wanted to have some AL) to eat some protein. It helped. For now. Feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails.
Not feeling mentally strong about this and that is really scaring me as I know I have to be. I am trying to make plans to keep me busy and out of the house as one of the things that I hate about this addiction is how it isolates me. I am leaving this town after 3 years here in 3 weeks time and I desperately want to make it the best send -off but I've been letting friends and colleagues down all over the place lately.
Does anyone have any good resources or links to articles on 'Living with an addict' or 'How to help addicts'? I had a brief conversation with my boyfriend about it last night. I asked him if he wanted to ask me anything because he says he will help me but mostly he just looks at me with a sympathetic expression and doesn't say anything. He has never been in this situation before and I think, simply doesn't know what to do. I am finding it hard to deal with 1) my addiction 2) worrying about his reaction to it. I would like him to reassure me that he's not going to leave my life (our romantic relationship will come to an end when I leave the country but I still want his friendship).
I find myself playing the victim around him and becoming super needy for his support and reassurance and it pushes him away because all that emotional stuff gets too uncomfortable for him. And then I start on my own pity party and decide he just can't wait to be shot of me and quite rightly, because who would want to be with an addict...blah, blah, blah and then somewhere in the midst of all that I will reach for the bottle and the whole saga starts all over again.
Maybe I'm missing the point. I had this problem loooooooooong before I met him and I need to stop waiting for some saviour and just suck it up and deal with it. Myself. And stop looking to someone for support who doesn't know how to (as caring and well intentioned as he is) and come here instead where people DO understand and DO know how it is.
Phew! Feel better to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.
DG: I liked what you wrote about our determination to 'win' when we just can't. Just made me remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where Brad Pitt is so stoned he can hardly speak but he tries to tell the visiting heavies that he's going to kick their butts. It's so pathetic it's almost funny. Not when you're the stoned/drunk one though.
Lav: I am going to think about switching the stakes on the stubborn front. Perhaps it is a gift after all.
Kas: I am hoping to float the river tomorrow. One last time...I hope the water is still high enough. A beautiful plan that I must remain sober for to enjoy.
Wooo....sorry for the massive ramble. I need to 'connect' somewhere today and this is probably the best place I can do that.
Bean
Hey All
I so nearly said 'Hey AL, c'mere' this morning...
Fought off some strong cravings and FORCED myself (because I really wasn't hungry and my brain was telling me that I really really wanted to have some AL) to eat some protein. It helped. For now. Feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails. Not feeling mentally strong about this and that is really scaring me as I know I have to be. I am trying to make plans to keep me busy and out of the house as one of the things that I hate about this addiction is how it isolates me. I am leaving this town after 3 years here in 3 weeks time and I desperately want to make it the best send -off but I've been letting friends and colleagues down all over the place lately.
Does anyone have any good resources or links to articles on 'Living with an addict' or 'How to help addicts'? I had a brief conversation with my boyfriend about it last night. I asked him if he wanted to ask me anything because he says he will help me but mostly he just looks at me with a sympathetic expression and doesn't say anything. He has never been in this situation before and I think, simply doesn't know what to do. I am finding it hard to deal with 1) my addiction 2) worrying about his reaction to it. I would like him to reassure me that he's not going to leave my life (our romantic relationship will come to an end when I leave the country but I still want his friendship).
I find myself playing the victim around him and becoming super needy for his support and reassurance and it pushes him away because all that emotional stuff gets too uncomfortable for him. And then I start on my own pity party and decide he just can't wait to be shot of me and quite rightly, because who would want to be with an addict...blah, blah, blah and then somewhere in the midst of all that I will reach for the bottle and the whole saga starts all over again.
Maybe I'm missing the point. I had this problem loooooooooong before I met him and I need to stop waiting for some saviour and just suck it up and deal with it. Myself. And stop looking to someone for support who doesn't know how to (as caring and well intentioned as he is) and come here instead where people DO understand and DO know how it is.
Phew! Feel better to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.
DG: I liked what you wrote about our determination to 'win' when we just can't. Just made me remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where Brad Pitt is so stoned he can hardly speak but he tries to tell the visiting heavies that he's going to kick their butts. It's so pathetic it's almost funny. Not when you're the stoned/drunk one though.
Lav: I am going to think about switching the stakes on the stubborn front. Perhaps it is a gift after all.
Kas: I am hoping to float the river tomorrow. One last time...I hope the water is still high enough. A beautiful plan that I must remain sober for to enjoy.
Wooo....sorry for the massive ramble. I need to 'connect' somewhere today and this is probably the best place I can do that.
Bean
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