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September Sanctuary - Week 4

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    #16
    September Sanctuary - Week 4

    Lunchtime check in from me....

    Star - Yes I think last year was Optimists, staying on the up beat theme I rather like October Opportunities. I have these conversations like you about exercising but at the moment im so struggling to get out there which is crazy as I know it would lift my mood. I also have such cronic arthritic pain in my feet and ankles and it makes me feel so sad to think how it disappeared when I was in warmer climes.

    Papmom - Like Star, coming here is my daily therapy. I wanted to say about your commitee not to under estimate yourself, I dont know how dominate your Boss is but make sure you get your say, if the others agree with you then maybe your Boss will listen.

    SD - My earlier lost post was mainly to you. I really feel for you having to cope with all this and you should be so proud that you are doing it all AF :l How often does your Son see his Dad? I wondered if it were possible for them to only see each other during the day which would mean him not having to stay over in that awful environment. They could go out and do something for the day together instead but I know this might not be possible if you live far from each other. I think its important for your ex to know you are not being difficult about his seeing your Son but that his home is a no go neither is any stuff to do with guns! As for the Dr, Im shocked that they didnt speak privately to you, this conversation should not have been in front of your Son and I would definitely switch Drs.

    Im having dinner tonight with Kenneth and im really hoping he is not going to ask for an indepth discussion into why we cant work it out. If he does, he will get the truth although he may not like it.

    I have to tell you guys a story! When I moved I got online banking for my bank a/c in Portugal as I need to transfer my rent money over each month. When I 1st logged in I discovered I had access to another account which was originally in joint names of myself and my Husband. When we split he carried on using it as if it were his own and has done so ever since. However its still offfically in joint names. There has never been much money in it but last week after he sold his share in a bar he had in Portugal a deposit was made of 65,000 euros. Now when I saw it online I could have transfered it all out of that account into my own. Many ex Wives in my situation would have. However its morally against who I am although I would be a liar to say it didnt cross my mind. Bearing in mind he doesnt know I can see his balance I then sent him an email saying that having heard of the sale of the bar, although I didnt have any financial share of it, I wondered if he could possibly give me a small % of the sale as I desparately need to upgrade my car which is falling apart. Especially in view of all our other assets being as they are. If he were very honest with himself he would know that the money he used to buy the bar in the 1st place was our joint money.

    Anyway I got an email from him today saying he would get back to me in the next couple of weeks when he saw how his finances were. In the meantime of course I can see every item he is spending money on! If he says no, should I transfer a couple of 1000 out? I would of course then confess and tell him I can see the account. Or do I say and do nothing? This is like on of these board game dilemma Q's!
    "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
    AF - JAN 1st 2010
    NF - May 1996

    Comment


      #17
      September Sanctuary - Week 4

      Good morning friends!

      CONFESSIONS ARE FREE AROUND HERE & THE SUPPORT IS PLENTIFUL! :H :H

      I have to tell you the truth. Shortly after YB left here in a flood of tears without any explanation I did call a counselor in an attempt to make an appointment. After talking to her on the phone for 10 minutes explaining what was going on with me I ended up changing my mind & never made the appointment! Her response was so freaking inadequate I couldn't believe it & decided to save my time & money. So I've been healing myself along with the help of my friends here

      Chill, your money dilema is probably going to draw a lot of different responses & opinions. All I can say is at the end of the day you will have to live with your choice
      I know that I prefer to do everything out in the open, all cards on the table. I have always highly valued honesty even if it's not necessarily in my best interest - if that makes any sense. I hope you can work your way through all this stuff.

      papmom, my last supervisor (the one who just retired) used to shoot me down when I went to her with a solution for a problem on the unit. But 9 times out of 10 she would take my idea, claim it as her own & put it into use the following week. What a PIA she was :H :H

      Star, I've been telling YB that he has indeed been choosing to be dark & miserable for many years! He has always had a way of creating stress & problems where there just doesn't need to be any. He self-sabotages out of pure habit!!!! I have given him so many books & CDs (ones that I have used) to break these habits & change his thinking/behavior but I don't know if he's even tried. Sad!!!

      Very heavy fog around here this morning - I can barely see the neighbor's houses.
      Better get some work done! Have a great AF Tuesday.

      Lav
      AF since 03/26/09
      NF since 05/19/09
      Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

      Comment


        #18
        September Sanctuary - Week 4

        Hey Chill-my 2 cents is with Lav-be honest. I think you should tell your ex (are you two officially divorced now?) that you have access to the account. If you're not divorced, part of the proceeds are indeed yours I would think and there should be a way to get some of them. If you are divorced, then I guess it would depend on the how the settlement was spelled out. I know you can't afford a lawyer but in this case I think you need to find one who will work with you pro bono or who will take a very small percentage if you do get some money from the ex. I know you are in the same boat as me and the temptation is to take what you feel is yours but if you do that, your whole relationship will change not to mention how bad you will feel about yourself. The guilt will be horrible. You are too good a person Chill to sink to sneakiness and subterfuge with your ex. If he is doing the same to you, he will get retribution in the end. If you can hold your head high and proclaim you have been above reproach and above board throughout all your dealings with him, then you will be rewarded in the end. JMHO and I may be well off base here. In the end you have to do what is right for you and what you can live with.
        New Birthday: May 8, 2010

        "Because dwelling from, not upon, the space you want to inherit is the fastest way to change absolutely everything."[/i]-The Universe

        KO the Beast!!

        Comment


          #19
          September Sanctuary - Week 4

          Thought I would share today's TUT - note from the Universe
          Very timely re today's discussion!

          Shape shifting is real, Lav, truth shifting is not.

          Always shoot straight,
          The Universe
          AF since 03/26/09
          NF since 05/19/09
          Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

          Comment


            #20
            September Sanctuary - Week 4

            Lavande;1183377 wrote:
            CONFESSIONS ARE FREE AROUND HERE & THE SUPPORT IS PLENTIFUL!
            :H :H
            love it Lav! :H

            So sorry to hear that YB isnt interested in changing his thinking, I guess we can lead a horse to water but cant make it drink......

            Thanks so much you both for your responses. Lav, you are right about honesty. Papmom we are still married and he has never given me a cent towards a divorce settlement, I walked away here with nothing, hence the state my finances are in. If you remember I sold my watch to pay for the move back. I dont qualify for legal aid and even if I did they wouldnt deal with an international case because he is outwith UK law jurisdiction. I can only rely on his goodwill to help me out. I know he is in a tough place but I also see irresponsible spending. However I will do nothing as even if it means more hardship I agree being able to look yourself in the mirror is worth more. And despite everything I still care about this man very much.

            I had dinner tonight with Kenneth which luckily was over in 1.5 hours. He did ask some difficult Q's and I tried to explain that it was me who was odd and couldnt fit into his mainstream life. Happily I have no regrets Im exhausted and about to climb in to bed and listen to some meditation.

            Shout out for Dewdrop, we are supposed to be getting an autumn heatwave tomorrow, cant see any signs of it tonight but at least the wind has dropped enough for me to sleep with the window open, I get to go to sleep to the sound of the waves......
            "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
            AF - JAN 1st 2010
            NF - May 1996

            Comment


              #21
              September Sanctuary - Week 4

              Hi all,

              Work was crazy today so didn't have time to check in until now. So I'm off for the rest of the week to get ready for the wedding. Hubby is stressing over the "speech" he is giving at the rehearsal dinner. I offered to do it with him (he's doing the welcome and I'm doing the rest). Next couple of days are going to be spent running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Sure hope everything goes as planned and we can actually relax at the reception.

              Lav - driving to work this morning at somewhere near 6:00 was creepy. Humidity is getting on my nerves and I'm ready for cooler weather!

              Chill - so jealous - I too go to sleep with the sound of waves but I'm hearing it thru headphones and my lovely relaxing CD! Good luck with your decision - my first thought was hell yes take a share of that money but without knowing all the circumstances, I know that would be wrong.

              Star - I am so so sorry but I just adore carmel apples! And how about those apple cider donuts!! Lav - don't you find them all around you at the amish markets? I just love them.

              Papmom - good for you in taking a stand! I've found that without AL, I can truly say what I mean (and it actually makes sense). No sense giving the time of day to someone who isn't willing to really listen to you.

              Alright - ENOUGH! I'm sitting here sweating - the AC is going back on (even though I hate it).

              bet I'll be eating my words in January when I'm freezing my butt off and there is a foot of snow on the ground:upset:
              Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

              Comment


                #22
                September Sanctuary - Week 4

                Bring on the snow Jolie - I'm sick of sweating too :H
                Good luck with the wedding prep. I was going through all this 5 years ago for my son's wedding - their 5th anni is on the 30th! Oh, and went through it all again for my daughter's Dec 23rd wedding a few months later. I swear I didn't recover until March

                Chill, hope you are getting some rest. Things will work out for you, keep the faith!

                I'm pretty worn out myself, watched the grandsons for a while tonight. Better than sitting in front of stupid TV
                AF since 03/26/09
                NF since 05/19/09
                Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

                Comment


                  #23
                  September Sanctuary - Week 4

                  Hi Everyone!!

                  Thanks for all your advice, encouragement and kind words regarding my situation with the ex and appt. I did end up talking to my ex tonight on the phone. It actually went WAY better than I thought it would go. He didn't yell at me, call names or hang up on me. However, he said he didn't understand my concerns...but would still take care of them for Brayden's sake. I CAN NOT believe how far gone his thinking is since we've been divorced. I have to believe deep down he doesn't feel this way, it's just his way to justify the way he lives. I told him his house needed to be cleaned, mice gone (and traps laid out), hot water turned on and food checked before Bray would be allowed to go see him again. I may have also thrown the words "Social Services" in there somewhere...those two words seem to get people's attention pretty fast! But thanks again everyone....hopefully he understands I wasn't being mean, I only care for Bray's health and safety!

                  Jolie--Oh...to have the rest of the week off!!! Lucky you!! Have fun with all the preparations!!

                  Lav--That sucks you had a rotten experience with that counselor. Unfortunately, I've had several of my own...it takes awhile to find one that fits just right with you. I think it's almost even harder to find a good counselor for children these days as well!! They either just want to play games, be their buddy or just chit-chat and not work on the issues!!! Of course, some adult counselors do the same thing "just want to talk". I do like my counselor that I see...she really does address my issues....although drinking isn't one that's really discussed to much other than have you drank---did you want to drink when you were stressed---and how is my family reacting to me not drinking???

                  Chill--I did talk to my ex about his visitation with Bray...I let him know how much Bray wants more of a relationship with him. He's going to have to figure out how to make that happen. He has a victim mentality...there is never a way to do things...he'd always have to give up something or be put out some way...it's pathetic really!! I've laid it out there for him black and white...he will have to decide what to do with the information now! He lives about 2 and a half hours away so probably wouldn't work to do just the daily thing. Aren't exs fun to deal with??? You'd think yours would be kind and give you some money...it would be very very hard not to take even a small amount (even if you just put it into a saving account--not spend it--just save it and see what he does??). Just thinkin/typin outloud!!:H You could always give it back if you "had too".... yea...probably don't listen to me...lol!!!!

                  Pap3--If I don't get the results from the ex the FIRST time, I'm taking your advice and calling my lawyer!! He'll be so happy to hear from me!! As far as the doctor...I'm going to give her one more chance at our next appt...tell her how I was unhappy (when I ask to speak to HER alone) and hopefully things will go better. It's SOOOOO hard to get into anyone...plus we already drive 3 hours to go see her (our 3rd doctor we've been to--it's been a nightmare!) I'm willing to do it tho--I'm not willing to just let any 'ol doctor prescribe Bray meds...I wanted him to see a Child Psychiatrist--not one in this town!

                  Ladies...I'm so tired tonight...I'm going to have to call it night and write more tomorrow! I'm sorry I missed so many of you tonight!! I hope you all have a WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY!!
                  SD
                  "Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

                  6/18/11--7/3/12
                  7/29/12

                  Comment


                    #24
                    September Sanctuary - Week 4

                    Hi Everybody,

                    Just a quick check-in here. Working 16 hour days....it's beautiful here in Montlucon. The weather has been 80 degrees and very sunny....Indian summer. I have a lovely view of the River Cher. My client has been incredibly decent with the exception of one stupid comment yesterday, but I had the upper hand. I set boundaries with him right up front that I wouldn't be eating dinner with him all week. He has tried sneakily to "arrange" for us to eat together but I have outsmarted him every time. I love it how some men just assume we are stupid. I come home on Friday. Leave for Rhode Island on Sunday. I have also been eating like a pig....the food is fantastic here.

                    Very lonely and homesick but AF and happy otherwise.

                    Big hi and warm hugs to everyone!

                    Rusty

                    Comment


                      #25
                      September Sanctuary - Week 4

                      Good morning

                      Jolie - I know you are in for a crazy few days but every now and then STOP BREATH & SMILE, enjoy the craziness too!

                      SD - well done on standing up to your ex, I hope he sorts himself out as it sounds like your Son wants him to be a regular part of his life. 3 hours drive to the Dr seems incredible, can't you find one nearer? I love your idea about putting some money into a savings account :H but I just dont have the nerve to do it. Probably naively I think my ex will somehow come good for me.

                      Rusty - glad you are coping with your PIA Client, sorry you are feeling lonely, wish I could fly over and pig out with you!

                      Happy humpback day folks, any more October ideas?
                      "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
                      AF - JAN 1st 2010
                      NF - May 1996

                      Comment


                        #26
                        September Sanctuary - Week 4

                        Good morning all...

                        Isn't it funny how some weeks we have nothing much on here and then like this week, lots to talk about and reflect upon.

                        SD, my son was diagnosed ADHD at about five or six years old and on all kinds of meds till he was 18. Then WE decided he would go off of them. It was a continuing nightmare. The side affects on a little guy were so hard to manage, yet he could not, I repeat, could not function in school without the meds. Even his handwriting was out of controlwithout the meds. We saw numerous doctors who kept adding and adding more meds. If I had it to do over again, I would just let him have the ADHD medication and find a good counselor for family and child counseling.

                        I did not mean to downgrade therapy, I truly believe that it is life changing, but much work. I do not believe that therapists have magical powers, but that you have to find a person who will work with you, and the magic is that over time, changes happen. To expect there to be changes at one time a month is unrealistic, in my opinion. Weekly for months, then maybe biweekly. I just know that change is hard and that the patient has to talk, talk, talk, and be willing to work and make changes. With children, they learn through play and if parents are involved and issues are talked about and sollutions tried, change happens too. But perfect lives, no problems, no. The other choice is to not talk, not try, and let people struggle. I know there are bad therapists, but you can get another one who you feel comfortable with. OK, I'll stop.

                        Chill, I could see where it would be tempting to take part of the money, but it would ruin your relationship. I don't know what the solution is, what a difficult situation. You are so brave to talk honestly with Kenneth for closure, I am sure he was blaming himself. Kindness is very worthwhile.

                        Rusty, how interesting that despite being in a lovely setting, emotionally you are homesick. Sounds like you are setting really good boundries with this client and making the best of things.

                        Jolie, when my daughter was married last year my husband stressed out about the speech, too. I found a beautiful Irish Wedding blessing on the internet and he read it, his voice breaking. People were so touched, it is a wonderful memory of a wonderful day.

                        To all, have a great AF day.
                        Formerly known as redhibiscus

                        Comment


                          #27
                          September Sanctuary - Week 4

                          Good morning friends!

                          Still dark & damp around these parts but I'm home from Curves, have fed myself, dog & chickens & am ready to get some work done

                          SD, good for you speaking up to your ex. Is he suffering from depression - kind of sounds like he is..... Most people would not choose to live in such a shitty environment

                          Rusty, glad you checked in! Don't feel lonely ~ I'll be right over
                          Enjoy your surroundings & the fabulous food while you can

                          Chill, I kind of like an October Optimism - Optimists theme........
                          My estranged husband seems to be showing some small signs of changing. Of course he still doesn't really speak about anything so I'm still in the dark & don't know what he's thinking. I think it's good that he is starting to show a little interest in things & people other than himself. Some men are just so difficult.......

                          Star, you just got me to remembering......
                          my daughter chose the Rainbow song sung by Kermit the Frog to dance with her Dad at her wedding. Brought tears to my eyes remembering her sitting & singing that song as a little girl

                          Hope everyone is having a great AF Wednesday
                          AF since 03/26/09
                          NF since 05/19/09
                          Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

                          Comment


                            #28
                            September Sanctuary - Week 4

                            Evening gang

                            Lav! do we have a glimmer of hope here with YB?! How wonderful that would be, keep slow feeding him the material and you just never know. Life is always much stranger than fiction.

                            I have a wonderful weekend ahead, Im going to London to a 2 day NLP course (neuro-linguistic programming). I went on one a couple of years ago and it had the most significant impact on me, in fact it was in the lead up to me quitting AL. It's with the co-founder of NLP Richard Bandler and Paul McKenna who some of you may know from his weight loss program in the US. Anyway these guys are the best in the world and it will be a life changing event, the theme is GET THE LIFE YOU WANT. To make the weekend even better, our very own Starty (Startingover) is joining me and we are sharing a hotel room. Its going to be SOOO good.
                            "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
                            AF - JAN 1st 2010
                            NF - May 1996

                            Comment


                              #29
                              September Sanctuary - Week 4

                              Chill-that's awesome about London and Starty!! I know you will enjoy the workshop! We expect an inservice when you get back OK?

                              Rusty-you go girl!! Way to stand up for yourself and not cater to PIA's eccentricities!!

                              Jolie-awwww, wedding in 3 days!! How sweet! I know it will turn out just great and you will all have a fabulous time!

                              SD-You did it! I'm so happy that your conversation with your ex went much better than you expected!! Whoo hooo!!!

                              Very long day today! Orientation for new job went well. Had to watch 5 videos on Blood Born Pathogens, Abuse against elders, Alzeimers/dementia, Seeing Seniors from their point of view and Confindentiality. They actually weren't bad. Then right off to my regular job where I had to man a table at the Study Abroad Fair from 4-7. Pretty pooped right now!! I work at the NH this Friday nite, Sunday all day, Mon and Thurs nites. I get time and a half if I work Holidays and I can even contribute to a non matching 401K if I want. I probably won't take advantage of that at this point. On my way out I rescued a lady who had gotten herself stuck in the lobby restroom in her wheelchair. If I hadn't come along I don't know how long she would have been in there because there sure weren't a lot of visitors at that time of day, at least not yet. Whew!! I am really excited about this job!

                              Off to bed now to get up and do it all again tomorrow! :H

                              Oh, I scored a free microwave for the Paphut off of Freecycle! I pick it up tomorrow evening after work. It's probably filthy but she promised me it works.
                              New Birthday: May 8, 2010

                              "Because dwelling from, not upon, the space you want to inherit is the fastest way to change absolutely everything."[/i]-The Universe

                              KO the Beast!!

                              Comment


                                #30
                                September Sanctuary - Week 4

                                Good evening kids!

                                Almost had overnight company here but my son found a plumber to fix the emergency at his house Old house have old pipes = leaks in the basement, etc.

                                papmom, you sure did have a busy day!
                                I hope you enjoy your PT job but please don't get attached to elderly residents.....stuff happens

                                Chill, enjoy your weekend, sounds great! I'd go too but I don't have a chicken sitter :H

                                Wishing everyone a good night!
                                AF since 03/26/09
                                NF since 05/19/09
                                Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

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