Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

[Stargazerlily]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Good morning to all....

January Jewels sounds great to me. I can hardly believe it will be 2012 in a few days.

Guitarista, I really appreciate your honesty regarding your experiment with moderation. Your decision that you just don't need alcohol at all to live the life you want is based on experience and trial and error. Whew, why does alcohol have this power over and over again?

Chill, the great thing is that you are free and can do what you want. You tried Scotland and found that it is not for you. Not only do you hate the job, but you don't make enough money to live on, so dumping it opens you to something better. Keep looking up connections in Portugal, I hope you are there by March or April. My heart aches for you, you will find your place, where you feel you belong. But let's face it, if you were drinking again, no way. I was so unhappy in my old job for so long, I just had to keep looking till I find a better fit, it was scary and the unknown, but I am so glad I did it. I encourage you to make change, we are here for you.

Dew, hope you feel better, I loved your post.

LBH, Cyn, Rustop, Lav, Sooty, SD, Blonde,and everyone, have a great AF day.

[cyntree]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Morning all -
Hi Sooty!! Sorry for the blues for you too, but as you say, the days are strengthening now. Always so glad to hear from you --

Lav - someone invited himself along, hmmm? Will check out the link, sounds lovely.

Mr G - amen

Chill - the path is appearing, I'm sure - remember what the psychic said a while back? Something about January... Maybe the St John's Wort would be good in the meantime...(PS anyone with a light box - I have heard that it is dangerous to do a light box while taking St John's Wort, so maybe check it out)

Starty - how good to hear your voice, thanks... (BTW is that a loincloth on your squirrel?)

We put up a bird feeder on Xmas day; it took a few days for the birds to find it, but they are gloriously flitting about it now -- will spend a few minutes watching them now -- good day all --

[cyntree]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Xpost, Star! Thanks as ever for your wise words...

[Dewdrop]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Morning all, I?m tucked up in bed again today feeling sorry for myself wish I could shake this off but I think it?ll have to run its course. Taking loads of cold meds and green tea and at least my tum seems to have settled ? on the gratitude side I?m sure I?ve lost the Christmas weight I put on by stuffing my face! My sinuses are so full of gunk when I blow my nose it?s like thick strings of elastic that I can actually pull out ? which makes me feel sick, then they are all bunged up again within an hour or two. Yuck, yuck, yuck :eeks:

Chill I feel for you and sometimes we just need to let ourselves experience the awful lows that we find ourselves in, you aren?t happy where you are so why pretend and make out everything is fine? Sometimes though we can get stuck in a downward spiral and not be able to see the wood from the trees, there doesn?t seem to be an end in sight or any means of escape. However it?s much healthier to face your demons (which you are bravely doing) and accept where you are and then from that place you can move forward. Don?t be afraid of 2012 rushing in because it will bring more changes that will be for the better ? I am sure of it and I know that you and Starty will be able to encourage each other and sort out a plan. I figure it?s the unknown rather than change that is making you anxious which is perfectly normal :l

Lovely posts from everyone recently and on the moderation theme it?s a :no::no: from this lady I knew over a weekend slip that I?d be sucked back into my old ways in a heatbeat and struggled to remain AF for ages afterwards, it?s just not worth it. I?ve shut the door on that sucker and he ain?t getting back in. Lovely image Mr G enough to make a girl :blush: which reminds me where is Rusty?

Dewdrop :h

[Lavande]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Good morning all!

Very chilly here this morning but that's OK!
Slept well last night, grateful for that

I for one am ready for a new year!
I certainly have learned a lot this past year about myself & about others......
Looking forward to keep growing & moving toward the light as cyn says
Watching my grandkids grow is keeping me quite occupied & out of trouble!

Dew, sorry about all the head junk. Do you have a humidifier you can plug in to help liquefy those secretions? Feel better soon!

chill, sounds like 2012 is going to be bringing some big changes for you - hope they are all good ones!

Hi sooty! We should pack up the bus & help chill move into the new year

Hi Star, cyn, G, Starty & everyone!
I don't own a light box because I do take St Johns Wort but it has worked so well for me. I think anything is worth a try when you find yourself existing in a chronically low, blue state.

Must go check on my feathered friends.
Have a great AF Thursday everyone!

Lav

[Chillgirl]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Good evening my Friends

I want to say the BIGGEST thank you to you all, I broke through the cloud today and saw a glimmer of sunlight. I dont need a light box, not because Im taking St John's Wort, but because you guys are my light :l

Looking at my trip to the dark side I realize, like we all do, I went into a nose dive and spiralled out of control. I lost all belief in myself, everything looked impossible. I felt trapped and could not see a way out. The heavy pain in my chest was suffocating me and I can tell you now that I seriously considered suicide many many times during the last couple of weeks. I actually tempered down just how bad it was in my posts as I didnt want to even reveal to you guys how low I had gone.

During all this I kept up my usual positive rituals, I did gratitude, I did daily affirmations and listened to my favorite spiritual teachers, although it didnt feel like it was helping it probably was. The loss of believe in myself was the biggest hurdle and if I mentioned to family my dissatisfaction with life, I would be told to get on with it like everyone else, that it was impossible to go back to Portugal. I would then feel guilty that i couldnt be happy with what they have, but I cant, its that simple. I never wanted a life like anyone else's, Im odd, we have already established that :H

What you guys did was to never stop believing in me, you kept telling me that I could have my dreams and that I was capable of making them happen. Your words of encouragement have meant the world to me and so many things you have said struck deep cords. You made me see it from a different angle. Whats the biggest thing that causes such depression and anxiety? FEAR! What am I afraid of? They tell us fear relates to loss of something, what have I too loose?

Lav, what a year for learning for me too, they say its in the hard times we grow the most, boy has there been growth on this thread! Dewdrop, it is the unknown that scares me as I have never been afraid of change. Star, your wonderful post today made me see it in black and white. Cyn, you just keep shining for me :l

Today I got my courage back, I dont need to work out how im going to get to where I want to be, I just have to take one step. The journey of a 1000 miles...... Whats the worst thing that can happen?! Cant be worse than this! I know the fear will come back, we are human afterall but im going to enjoy my new found enthusiasm for now, now is all we have, right

Thank you my virtual family, I love you all dearly and you make more difference than you will ever know.
You believed in me when I didnt believe in myself.

[Guitarista]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Hi y'all,

Wow Chilli, i for one had no idea you were in such a dark place. Thanks for your honest post. You are right when you say you have nothing to lose i reckon. The only way is up after where we have all been! Upward and onward embracing our limitless potential and power within. You are a huge inspiration to me, and everyone you come in contact with. Things got a bit overwhelming for me earlier this year, and i didn't handle it as positively as i would have liked. But that's ok. Here i am, the wiser for it. You are never alone, and we are all here for you, and each other.

Kick some ass in 2012. I am.

Best wishes everyone.

[Rusty]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Hi Everybody!:hiya:

I have been swamped with year-end reports that are due before January 1st....so I've been busy. Also, the more time I spend on my computer....the worse my neck feels. I go in for x-rays tomorrow to see if there's been any improvement. After that, I guess then it's physical therapy twice per week. Hopefully, this will all work and I won't have to have surgery.

This issue with my neck has taught me more compassion and empathy for people who live with chronic, debilitating pain due to illnesses they did not cause and have no control over. My gratitude list is long because I take a variety of medications so that my pain is manageable, but for so many others, the pain never goes away. I am having the loveliest of holidays...I am enjoying my family immensely. For Christmas, my sister-in-law surprised me with binoculars, which I casually mentioned last fall that I would really like to have a pair. I am like a kid with that coveted fire truck he has wanted all year. I have seen squirrel's and bird's nests....homes that are tucked deep into the woods...my brother calls me "Peeping Tammy." I have been diligent in my exercise program and I am delighted to tell you that I have lost 33 pounds. I am AF and today one of my "bosses"....of one of the companies I subcontract work with....told me he thinks I do a great job for his company....he thinks I'm a wonderful person....and it's a privilege to know me. WHOA! I feel appreciated.

Chill:l....please don't let yourself go to such a dark place again. I will happily PM you my phone number....and you call me ANYTIME. I know you are miserable in Scotland. The weather's miserable, you hate your job and can't stand the people, and your family doesn't share your passion for the same things you embrace. You said in your post..."Whats the worst thing that can happen?! Cant be worse than this! . Yes, it absolutely could be worse. You could have a life-threatening illness...instead...you are healthy and you spin, work out til your heart's desire, and you have Elle....and all of us here. :hYou're such a giving person, Chill....why don't you find a worthy cause/place where you can volunteer your time. Even if it's just a few hours a week for a few weeks. I cannot stand to think that you are sinking into darkness. I also totally know about how you lost your confidence in yourself. I struggled with that same issue when I didn't get a full pass on my certification exam last Spring. My self-confidence went into a total hole and I am actually now just digging myself out. I told myself, "ok, so my studying plan was not effective last time....so time for a new plan."

Dew-gosh, you have a nasty bug. Take care of yourself. Bummer to be sick over the holidays.:l I hope you will be well by the New Year!

Blonde-I am glad you feel you've made progress with your drinking this year by only having 2 glasses of wine. :goodjob: I also appreciate your honesty. Just please be careful and read the posts of Cyn, Papmom, Chill, and Mr.G. Like you, I have had 1 or 2 glasses of wine with my mom periodically. Did I want more? No? Did it set me off on a binge? No. But here's the clincher....I don't even want to be tempted to go down that path....to where I can't control my drinking. Here's the analogy I make as far as trying to moderate. A married man/woman has an affair....and the first time it happens....he/she is overcome with guilt about what he/she's done to his/her spouse...and is truly remorseful. But then....he/she says..."well, I've already broken my promise of fidelity...so, what's the big deal if I step out again?" The problem is....the more he/she does it....the more they WANT it and HAVE TO HAVE IT. It starts a vicious cycle....a hamster wheel that they can't get off. Totally not worth it. Please just be safe and stick with us. We love having you here.

Lav, the Brandywine Museum is lovely....especially this time of year.

Mr. G....great to see you!

Hello to Starty and Bear.

Big hugs and hellos to Cyn, Star, Shelley, LBH, Sooty, Rustop, Papmom, SD (watching the Packer game on Sunday?) and everyone else I may have missed. See you on New Year's Eve. :-)

[papmom3]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Chill!!!!! Soul Sister!! Oh how i wish you would have let us know the depth of your despair!! But I'm glad you did now. :l:l:l:l:l:l

Keep climbing GF! One step/rung at a time. I do know how hard it is sometimes to believe in yourself but all you have to do is come on here and ask us if you are worth believing in. You KNOW what the answer will be but sometimes you need to see it in black and white (or pink if you like!)
Please don't go there again OK???

Rusty-so good to see you finally! We've missed you!

CONGRATULATIONS on your phenomenal weight loss! Holy crap batwoman! I am so inspired right now. just gotta go finish up those cookies and then I'm on board!!

Had to work at the NH tonite and found out that apparently I'm NOT working on Sunday. Hmmmm. Not real happy about losing time and a half considering the major expenses I've had this week.

Also was supposed to pick up a foster dog tomorrow morning but found out on my way to work that the son decided to take her after all. Hope she's safe.
There's always a silver lining to everything and mine is that I have 4 more full days off until I have to go back to work!! Now, mind you, I do have 38 evals to get through but doing it from home (no I never got the VPN working so fired up my work laptop) is almost as good as having nothing to do for these 4 days so I still feel like I have 4 days off!!

I'll see you all tomorrow!

[rustop59]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Good morning everyone

Just a quick check in. Hugs to all of you feeling low. Chill - thank you for being so honest. Hope 2012 will be a much better year and that you get your hearts desire.

Rusty - 33 lbs wow, what an achievement.

Nothing much to report here. Have been taking the goldie on all sorts of different walks so have been getting a little exercise. However, have been stuffing my face the rest of the time so big changes next week!!!

Big hello to everyone.

Rustop

[Stargazerlily]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Good morning to everyone.....

I too have been stuffing my face and refuse to weigh myself. I know that when I go back to work next week I will be on a regular schedule and without all the cookies, fudge, chocolate and other delicious holiday food gone, my weight will stabilize. I hope. Over time.

Chill, I think almost every person, at one time or another, gets really down and crazy thoughts happen. Sometimes life is so difficult it is hard to see your way out. But, I have noticed that things can change so much in, for instance, six months. My son was in a really bad place not too long ago. Now, he has a job he loves, pay decent, he did really well at school, and he has made all kinds of friends. Wow, he told me that last year at this time he felt suicidal. His entire life has turned around in a really short time. He and I discussed how amazing life can be, you just have to wait it out, the bad times I mean. I know yours will too, with some planning and action. I know that the dark cold weather is contributing to your feelings. You have to get to a warmer sunnier place, and you will. Please feel free to PM me any time too.

Rusty, 33 lbs, you are doing a great job taking care of yourself. Busy and productive, it was nice to have positive feedback from your employer. You have a great family, they sound like they have a great sense of humor.

Dew, whew, you caught a nasty bug. Hope you have some good books to read while you are in bed. I just received a Kindle for Christmas and love love love reading books on it.

Lav, you sound well, enjoying your family and wondering about your hubby. It is almost as if he is afraid to recommit, yet he is with every outing he goes on. Interesting.

I have lots of errands to run today, then I want to just relax. Have a great day everyone.

[cyntree]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Morning/Evening all!

Thanks everyone for your beautiful posts. It is so interesting to reflect on Deep Dissatisfaction(s) and how they eventually move us forward...if we are brave enough to live in them for a while. Star, thank you for the story of your son, and I also think of how you have handled your family and work transitions. Lav, what a year for you of ups and downs, and living with the discomfort. Pap, Dew, Rusty, Sooty, Rustop, Sped, LBH, SD, Mr G, Blonde (and anyone I'm missing, sorry) I think of each of your stories with such admiration. Chill - in this last year you have 'felt the fear' and moved ahead in spite of it. Somehow this time in Scotland seems as if it is a refining fire for your heart and soul, bringing you clarity. I am sorry for the terrifying lows and loss of self esteem, but you seem to be edging past the dark side of the moon, I hope so.

When I posted how hard it is to face the dark times sober, I realize now that I didn't finish the thought -- it is only in reflection about all of your 2011 journeys that now I see that there is the 'silver lining' of facing all the pain/discomfort AF. That is the ability to move THROUGH that bitter landscape, even if it is only inch by inch, with pained fingers grasping, pulling us forward. A truly heroic journey, you are all marvelous, and I believe in you, each and every one.

[Lavande]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Good morning December friends!

I'm about to head to Curves to work off a few Christmas cookies :H
I actually have eaten far fewer of them than usual this year. I really want to maintain my 2 lb. weight loss :H

Rusty, congrats to you GF on your terrific weight loss!!!!
I'm glad this holiday season has been good for you

Chill, glad you are feeling brighter!
2012 is going to be a good year ~ I just have that feeling!

papmom, hope you get that work out of the way today

Hi rustop! Enjoy the walks with your doggie. My piggy swissy is not great on a leash so I leave her home. I've had great trouble trying to control her when she spots a deer or horse or another dog I am still toying with the idea of adding another dog to the family.....

Star, I hope you are relaxing as much as possible
Next week will be here soon enough! Glad you like your Kindle! I bought myself one almost 3 years ago, the first time my husband ran off for a few weeks in a massive state of confusion.
He is definitely better than he was but not ready to recommit. I am not doing any pushing, it's better to just stand back & observe his healing process. He has been here nearly everyday during the holidays. Come to think of it - I'm not exactly ready to recommit either. If that's going to happen I need to rebuild my trust & faith in him......

OK, off to Curves, will be back later!
Have a good one!

Oops! Hi cyn - cross post!

Lav

[papmom3]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Look what chillie did to my siggy pic!! ready to go for 2012!!
Must get to work now.

[Lavande]

Dazzling and Diligent December - Week 3

Bling on papmom :H

Chill, I meant to mention ~
last night I listened to Davidji do the Intentions Setting for 2012 meditation on Emotional Healing Arts Meditation Workshops | Chopra.com
and eneded up sleeping quite peacefully

Dew, hope you are feeling better today!