January Jewels - Week 3

[Rusty]

January Jewels - Week 3

Good Morning Guys,

Dill-Thank your for sending the link from Mohun. His post was outstanding, and inspirational for sure. I just wanted to chime in here....I agree with you that the more your husband pressured you and tried to force you to become AF, the more resistant you were. Same story with me. My SIL (brother's wife) pressured my mom and my brother to make me go to rehab. My SIL is a wonderful woman in so many ways, yet she is very controlling and manipulative when she wants people to do things her way (the BEST way...she claims) . My sister and mother always believed that I could tackle my drinking problem on my own, and I absolutely refused to go to rehab. I could see through my SIL's manipulative ways, and I wanted to show my sister and my mother that my SIL was wrong about me. My brother and SIL put even more pressure on me to quit by telling me they wouldn't visit me until I went into rehab. My drinking became even worse, because I was even more anxious about being around what I thought was my safe haven....my family. Now my emotional shelter and "safe place" had disappeared. because whenever I would see them (at family gatherings...Christmas, my birthday), they would ask me if I had changed my mind about going to rehab. I felt even more abandoned, and that was absolutely the worst thing they could have done. If I went to rehab I said, the minute I'm released, I will drive straight to a liquor store. I started immediately seeing an addiction/behavioral psychologist and we were able to identify the root cause of my drinking was tied to my life-long battle with anxiety (ever since I was 4). Baclofen has taken care of the anxiety. My SIL and brother will never admit they were wrong, but in my heart, I know I won that battle, and so do my sister and my mother...and that's all that matters.

Papmom-gosh, I hope you feel better soon. Your poor body has really taken a beating in the last month.:l

A happy AF Tuesday to everyone!

[Lavande]

January Jewels - Week 3

Morning Jewels,

Dark & damp here but at leaast it's just rain ~ not snow.

Lifelong anxiety - yep, I'm right there with you Rusty.
I honestly don't remember a time in my life without anxiety! Some of the major players in my life, the control freaks collectively put me over the edge as well. I hit the wall (so to speak), used up all of my usual coping methods then turned to a bottle of wine for solace/comfort. I realize now that I was actually pretty depressed, AL just numbed it all for me
Happy to say that is all history. Now I dwell in the land of happiness and gratitude. The remaining control freaks in my life can go pound sand

papmom, how are you feeling today woman?

Dill, you remain in charge of your life, you will do just fine - I know you will!

Chill, hope you are OK today!

Rustop, I somehow have managed to lose 1 pound since Christmas. I think it was by accident really :H I need to pay attention to what I'm eating as well.

SD - awesome on your 7 AF months!!!!
I wish you strength sitting thru a WWE event - pretty sure I couldn't do it :H
I hope this year brings some new job opportunities your way.

I need to get myself focused - haven't done a whole lot of anything today......

Have a great AF Tuesday everyone!
Lav

[dill]

January Jewels - Week 3

I'm at work but am taking a quick break. Rusty, thanks for sharing that. Your SIL actually contributed to your problem rather than helping, that's for sure! I hope someday you can set her straight on that. I'm glad you were able to rise above it and take care of yourself the way that you did.:l

[Chillgirl]

January Jewels - Week 3

Evening Jewels

I went to the Doc this evening and feel relieved at just having told another human being how Im feeling. I have been experiencing some frightening symptoms and actually thought yesterday I was having a real breakdown. I have been going into automatic pilot when need be for work and at other times I need to function properly but have then experienced blackouts of total conversations and meetings where I have been present and apparently lucid. Its as if part of my brain takes over when I can no longer cope and works independently. Im very grateful to it but it would be good if it could send me the memo so I know whats going on :H

The suicidal thoughts have scared me too and have been intensifying to the stage where I think of little else. When the Doc asked me what stops me I said "the thought of leaving Elle" and its true, that little dog just keeps on saving me. I told him I didn't want anti depressants as they go against every spiritual belief I have and he was very understanding and actually agreed they were not a solution. Instead I will be contacted possibly even tomorrow by a counsellor which is much more my preferred route.

The Doc carried out an assessment and my depression is moderate rather than chronic. I understand a huge amount about our minds and know every trick in the book for getting out of a moderate funk. However mine is "situational" depression and therefore unlikely to improve unless I can alter my situation. Of course right now my brain can't cope with taking steps to improve my situation as it feels hopeless and afraid. SO I need to slowly work on building up my confidence again in my ability to move forward. I may even ask if there is any way I can get a 2 month extension to my lease to buy more time for me to get over this trip to the dark side before I have to cope with moving again.

Thank you all for your continued support, I'm really bad at asking for help and instead when I'm down I prefer to hide away and deal with it myself. Im trying to accept that I can't do it on my own anymore and need to reach out more often. Thanks too for the opportunity to share this difficult time.

[Rusty]

January Jewels - Week 3

Chill-:l:h

We're all here for you. I don't want you plunging into this darkness again without reaching out to one of us here.

Rather than a 2-month extension on your lease, why not a 6 month extension, to give yourself a little more time to configure your plan? If you renewed your lease for another 6 months, I bet it would help you sort things out. In the meantime, you have a job....you get to exercise, fly to places outside of Scotland and visit your friends.....you're healthy, fit...you don't have a debilitating disease, etc. When you talk about suicidal thoughts....I'm surprised that you would say that because you always find a way out of the tunnel. Why do you feel like everything's hopeless in your situation? AF, you have the power to make good decisions. I have faith in you.

I told him I didn't want anti depressants as they go against every spiritual belief I have

Excuse me? What spiritual beliefs are you talking about? I was on ADs for a few months here and there for a period of about 6 years....and they were very helpful for short periods of time. Baclofen has been great for my anxiety. Not all ADs are created equal. Maybe this is something you can discuss with your counselor, too. I'm glad you have a counselor you can speak to in person. You deserve to be happy.

[Chillgirl]

January Jewels - Week 3

Rusty - I don't have 6 months. My rental income will stop shortly and its impossible to pay my rent here on my earnings. The most I could afford would be to rent a room somewhere which is proving difficult with a dog. I also can't afford storage costs so need to sell my furniture. These are the things I'm struggling to sort out right now and can't really cope with.

[Rusty]

January Jewels - Week 3

Chill-I'm so sorry if I seemed harsh.....I did not mean to be at all. You're such a wonderful person and I hate to see you in despair.:l I'm in your corner always. Would it be possible for you to get a part-time job, to help pay the bills...kind of what Papmom did? I spent many years working 2 and 3 jobs to pay for my rent, so that's kind of what I know....but I so want to help you. As far as storing your furniture...could your parents or your sisters help with that? Do they have room to store your furniture? As far as renting a room, here in the States...a lot of times, landlords will decrease your rent in exchange for help with yard work, etc.... I can imagine it's difficult with a dog. I will keep thinking.

[Cassia]

January Jewels - Week 3

Chill,

I am just so proud that you took the first step to speak to your GP about what you are going through and that the doc is getting you help quickly. I know when I spoke to my GP, it took them six weeks before I could get an appointment with a counselor. I really hope they come through for your quickly.

I just wanted to share my experience with depression with you if I may. I have had various bouts of depression since I was a teenager mainly because I never dealt with the fact that my mom had died - I kept putting obstacles in my way so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Well, that all came crashing down around me when I finished my CA exams. I HAD to deal with it now and it wasn't pleasant. There were days where I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't motivate myself to do anything. I would hide away from my friends, ignore phone calls, get out of social commitments. I would cry and I wouldn't even know what I was crying about. I put on a lot of weight which wasn't helping things. Things were so bleak. The world should have been my oyster right??? I had just worked so hard to get myself a qualification that should set me up for life. I had come out of having to leave university in my first year with a better and brighter future then people who had graduated. But I couldn't see that - I could only see what I didn't have - a mother who would never share in my accomplishments, a father who didn't understand me or really cared about what I was doing with my life, a sister who resented me for abandoning her when I moved to Scotland. There were nights that I seriously contemplated ending it all - especially after I had been drinking - trying to force myself to stop breathing, standing on the ledge of a hotel room window that was ten flights up thinking that if I just jumped the pain would stop. I would be with my mom again and that would make me truly happy. I was just in an awful place. But, somewhere in that darkness I looked for a private counselor on the internet and made an appointment. I saw her for six months and dealt with a lot. My dad even came with me to one session - it was the first time in my adult life that I realized he really cared about me. And things got better. There are still days (although few and far between) that I revert to old habits but counselling definitely gave me the tools I need to deal with things better and make better choices.

So, why am I telling you all this, it's not the best chat I have. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and even though it seems so dark right now, it will get better. Depression is a terrible affliction that isn't really understood by people who haven't been through it themselves. It's going to to take time and a lot of soul searching but you can do this. I also did not go the anti-depression route and was very adamant against it and fortunately, I didn't need it. But, if counselling hadn't been enough, then I would have done it. No doubt. You have so many people in your life that care about you and want you to get better. I can't imagine coming on this forum and you not being here. That would just break my heart. I understand what the doctor is saying about situational depression and it is unlikely to improve until you are out of your current situation. Hopefully, the counselor will be able to give you the tools you need to either starting looking at your situation differently that will at least alleviate the depression until such times as you can physically get yourself out of it. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help you please just ask. As you know, I am in Scotland from 16th Feb to 20th. If you feel you want to meet up for a coffee and a chat, please let me know.

I care about you so much and I KNOW you will get through this. You are too strong a character to let depression get the better of you. Please please please keep sharing or else I will have to stalk you on various mediums which will make you pretty annoyed!!! :H

One other thing - if you can get away - I have a spare room in my apartment and you are more than welcome to come and stay if you think that would help. It's cold here but at least its sunny!

:l

L x

[Chillgirl]

January Jewels - Week 3

Cass - I SO appreciate you sharing that, I really really do. Thank you.
Its hard for people to understand how bleak it is when that heavy blackness descends. I can almost feel it physically inside my head pressing down on me and when its at its worse you would do anything for it to just stop.

Right now its making me weak and at the moment its winning but in the same way I took on the ALCOHOL I intend to take on this depression!

Anyway enough about me! :H Its not the Chill thread so come on guys and tell us whats happening in your worlds.....

[Rusty]

January Jewels - Week 3

Cassia,

Somehow I knew you would be the first to respond.:l You have overcome so much in your life, haven't you? I am so proud and happy for you.

Chill-I just sent you a PM. I so hope and pray you can get out of this dark space. Reach out to your other friends, too. You are such a wonderful friend to people here....someone is bound to come up with something. :l

Dill-did you ever name your boat?

SD-I think you and Shelley are celebrating 7 months AF tomorrow, right?

[Cassia]

January Jewels - Week 3

Now there is the Chill I know and love! If you fight this with half the gusto you have fought alcohol then depression doesn't stand a chance!

Well, I buggered my knee again today. I was running and I pushed myself when I should have known better and heard pop - intense pain. Not great. I may have to go to physical therapy but at least my insurance will cover the bulk of it. ARGH!!! Ironic after my sports massage yesterday!

Rusty - what an ordeal you went through with your brother and SIL - I had no idea. I am glad you did it on your terms, the right way for you. Do you still use Baclofen?

Lav - I love that phrase - go pound sand! I am stealing it - hope that's alright. Pretty damp here today too although its drying up now.

Evening to all the other Jewels!

[Lavande]

January Jewels - Week 3

Cassia :H
My Mom used to use the term 'go pound sand' when she was a little irritated with us as kids :H
Sorry about your knee - ouch! Take care!

Chill, depression is so common.....I think of it as the human condition. No one is immune, it gets most all of us at one time or another. I did take the Rx AD Lexapro for two years without too much problem. Then I stopped it as my doc advised. I think I would have been OK but my husband's behavior kept getting worse & worse & I fell into the dark hole again I was so fed up with him I just didn't give a damn about myself (if that makes any sense). The arrival of EB three years ago finally made me realize that I wanted to get better, be better for him. I had to find my own way to do it but I did. I have every faith that you will find your way as well :l

Rusty, are you on home turf?

papmom, feeling better tonight??

I had the grandsons here tonight & YB as well. Glad they all went home
Wishing everyone a cozy night!

Lav

[sdlovespackers]

January Jewels - Week 3

Hi everyone!

Dill--thanks so much for the link to that thread...I really needed that!!:l I guess I had no idea how much adjusting all this would take...and the process I would go through physically and mentally...tough!! (As we all know!)

Chill--I was so happy to hear you contacted your doc today...but I had to chuckle as well...I called mine too!!:H I actually see him every few months, as he gives me my topamax but he used to give me my prozac as well...but he took me off when I was honest with him about my drinking. I then found a supplement at the Natural Abundance store to take it's place....anyway...long story short...I am suppose to see him next week anyway but I asked if he would refill my Rx before I got there....it's a very low dose (20mg once a day/every other day)....kinda just takes the edge off during the winter months I've found. I hope you hear from your Counselor contact real soon....AND I hope you get a good one!!! Do what works best for you, sweetie!!

Rusty, Lav and Cass-you all are such compassionate people...thank you for putting yourselves out there...you've touched and helped more than our best Chillgirl with your willingness to share! Thank you!:l

Well...it's just about midnight...where do the nights go??? No wonder I'm so tired, huh??! I'll be back tomorrow!! To all other amazing Jewels checking in on Hump Day...Make It A GOOD ONE!!
SD

[Stargazerlily]

January Jewels - Week 3

Good morning all...

Chill, reaching out for help is such a courageous thing to do! I understand your dilemma about antidepressants, do what is right for you. Lots of people like to try counseling first, then if they do not notice relief, consider AD. With situational depression they could take the edge off, but I know you need to solve your financial issues, a career that pays the bills. Please keep this in mind, things can change for the better so quickly. My daughter was reviewing where she was last year: a job she hated, big city living, renting and experiencing increasing anxiety. A year later she has a new job, new town, a house and less anxiety. Last year she felt stuck and thought things would never change. You are taking steps to change things and reachingout for support. PM me anytime.

Rusty, I loved your story about your SIL trying to force her will on you. I believe that there are numerous ways to get sober, not just rehab and AA. Everyone has their own personal breaking point where they just have enough of the alcohol soaked life, some quitting, others drinking till death. You have really turned your life around and your posts are always supportive.

Dill, thanks so much for posting that link. How do you do that? It was very interesting.

I am struggling with winter now, the ride home last night was a nightmare and looks like it will be the same tonight, according to the weather report. I'm California dreamin on such a winter's day.

Cassia, really appreciated your story through your depression, asking for help, going through counseling and doing the hard work to get to the other side.

Hello to Lav, cyn, sooty, rustop, sd, and anyone I missed. Have a great day.

[Rusty]

January Jewels - Week 3

inkele:CONGRATULATIONS, SD, ON 7 MONTHS AF!!!!inkele: You shine like a bright light on our thread. I am so proud and happy for you! And look in the General Discussion Forum. You have a new thread there, too.