lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

[bear73]

hello, well I did almost 7 days. I was out for a friend's birthday and lasted 8 hours without drinking or smoking.Then I lapsed. Drank about a bottle of wine I think and felt awful the next day.
awful because I was hungover but even worse because i felt I'd failed again, that I am out of control and that really really scares me.
I now don't know what to do whether to try for moderation or abstinence for a month.
I had half a bottle of wine last night which I'm ok with but am planning alcohol free days until Sunday.

I find that some of my friends were really encouraging me to drink and smoke - I know it's still my responsibility and I'm not blaming them but I'm not happy with the idea that they may be trying to sabotage me changing.
I know sometimes that scares people, makes them think about changes they may want to make but don't. I also think along with that and very significantly I'm scared of not fitting in and that's why I lapsed.
Also whenever I say I'm trying to reduce what i drink and I'm concerned about how much I drink they don't really get it (mainly because there are some people in our group who are probably physically depndent, and compared to them I'm not doing too bad- but I don't want to get to that point and I'm scared I might)
I think it may be best not to tell people as i think it raisesd my anxiety about failing,not fitting in and for whatever reason they don't get it.

Any advice very welcoem on how to mange the friends thing and also on how you assess which path you go down, abstinence or moederation.
I haven't bought the book yet and I have CDs for stop smoking and drinking less alreay but with trying to exercise etc I don't have time.

[Lotus]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Hi Bear73

First of all congrats for doing 6 days AF. Don't beat yourself up for it. I'm quite lucky in terms of friends as they are not "drinkers" anyway. But I have got a similar problem with my hubby. (We we're drinking partners). Only you can decide whether to go Abs or mods. I made the decision to go abs for 1 month simply beacuse I don't know when to stop. If you find you can just have the one glass, like maybe on the weekend then mods is fine for you, but if you find that you are craving more then maybe if you try to do abs for a month you find it easier to control it afterwards. That's what I am aiming for.

As for your friends, if they are drinkers and it is not posible to avoid them for a week or so, then you need to be put your foot down and say no. Sorry, I don't want to sound harsh, but I get blamed for others drinking, but everyone picks up their own drink, no one physically is going to pour it down you throat. You could just get yourself a coke and don't let on there is any alcohol in there. It's the habit that you will need to break. You are used to going out with your friends for a drink, but you can still do that but it will just be a non-alcoholic one.

I'm not using any supps, or anything but I am waiting on the hypno cd as many people have suggested to me that it helps with cravings.

You can do this. Just believe in yourself and have that confidence to say no.

All the best. Mandy x

[MaggieD47]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Hi Bear:

Congratulations on 6 days AF. That is awesome. That also shows you can do it! As far as going out with friends, maybe a break from that for a while. I would find it difficult at this point to go out with friends who are drinking. Fortunately I hardly ever encounter this situation. No one around me drinks much at all, if any. Maybe only on the holidays. I might think about making excuses for not going for a little while until you have more abs under your belt and start to feel more confident about it. Good luck. By the way, this is my 4th try for abs and I am going to do it this time!

Maggie

[bestlifeldms]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Bear,

Don't beat yourself up. You're doing great! Just the fact that you are aware and trying is a great start. I am at day 15. I once went five years and then lapsed. Took me 13 years to get back here.

I think that not exposing yourself to the temptation of a "social/drinking" situation is sound advice right now.

Congratulations and good luck! You can do it!

Best

[wwbarb]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Hey Bear - congrats on 6 days AF!!

I bet if you told your friends that you were taking medication that you couldn't drink on they would leave you alone. A little white lie never hurt anyone.

Another thing you need to look at - are these people really your "firiends"? I may be speaking out of turn here, but a true friend backs up your decisions, no matter what. An "aquaintance" or "party buddy" doesn't let your decisions get in the way of their good time. Only you can know for sure.

[irishlady]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Bear73, let me add my congratulations as well 6 days AF is no small achievment, it takes dedication, hard work and commitment....I personally have choosen ABS because I haven't got the will power to go along the MODS road...Some might say, but surely it takes more willpower to stop drinking altogether, not so, for me it is easier now to just say no, but if I had even half a glass of wine then willppower would go out the window....
It helps in this game if you are aware of your strengths as well as your weaknesses....
Right, now I am going to be brutally honest with you, your strength is the fact that you know you have a problem with alcohol and by going 6 days AF you are doing something about it, your weakness is, alas, your friends....I notice from your profile that you like running, so, supposing that you had been training for a long time with the hope of making it to the next Olympics, and your coach said to you, if you put all you have got into this, then you stand an excellent chance of winning that Gold Medal but to succeed you have to give it 100%...So you spend all your time training, honing your body to that state of perfection needed and one night your friends come round and try to persuade you to cut down the training, go out with them and have a good time...Well you have a choice to make, to keep your friends do you give up your dream, or do you stay focused on the bigger picture, perhaps your friends are envious of your strength and willpower, or maybe they feel safer if you stay on the same level as them, either way real, true friends would be encouraging and helping you achieve your goals, so the decision is yours, go for that Gold Medal or stay in the pub with your friends.....I wish you luck in making your choice, hope its the right one....

Louise..

[sammys]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

I have had to actually stop being friends with my best friend. Its a long story but I feel better, of course they think I am some evil person who just walks away from people and how could I do that et. Irish is right make your choice and we hope its the right one.

Sammys

[Accountable for Me]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Bear73, don't fret. It is HARD to be in that position of being new to the AF life and having to encounter social situations. I think your friends probably don't realize that you have a problem with drinking. Or nor do they know how much you want to cut down or stop.

I found a lot of times, even with the ones who KNEW I had a problem with drinking encouraged me to drink because they were. (Story of my life!) Unfortunately it typically led me onto another bender and they were able to just carry on the next day. OR for those friends who had a problem that was simular to mine didn't want to be miserable alone. That old saying "Misery Loves Company."

Having 7 days under your belt was a great start! One thing we all have to realize is that we are doing this for ourselves. I know personally, even after 13 days of being AF, I have to stay clear of any liquor store or friends and family who are drinking. The temptation is still too great for me, and I need some more time under my belt to get this AF thing under wraps.

Try again. I can't tell you how many times I have been in that position, and instead of looking like a 'stick in the mud', I caved too. Be tough, you are worth it!

[Changeling]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Dear Bear
You did so well on your 7 days - congratulate yourself on that.

If you really want to change things perhaps you need to listen hard to yourself and pay attention to whats right for YOU.
You can't change your whole life at the drop of a hat, but gradually seek out friends who you enjoy and who are good for you.
Loads of best wishes
Changeling

[dasher]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Hello Bear
Firstly, fantastic news that you completed 7 days, a real milestone. Now it's time to stay positive,shake yourself down and get back on the horse. I've been there so many times and have slowly altered my group of friends, you have to think about getting yourself a life again. My longest period without a drink was 6 months, and god I hated myself after I 'blipped' again. But that's all it is a blip. Set yourself a slightly longer target this time, always works for me, then if I do slip up after 4 weeks you don't feel so bad.
This site will really help, take care matey.
Dasher

[Popeye]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

]Hello Bear.
Again, I'd like to say 'well done' for your Af days. It takes a lot to do that.
I know all about 'friends' who pressurise you into having a drink. Fitting in is important to people. However,I decided that I no longer wanted to fit into a group that is endangering it's health and sanity. The group of people that I socialised with were really my wife's friends and their partners. She met these girls when she had our children and joined a 'mother & toddlers' group. They all became friends and eventually, we were all having regular parties in each others houses. I was never one to easily make friends, so having all these new ones was a new experience for me. After a while it all became a little sleazy for my taste, and I cooled off doing the party rounds etc. I still keep in touch with a few of them, but I can sense that I am considered not quite normal, because I'm not interested in keeping up the appearance of a party animal. What I'm trying to say is that I tried the heavy social scene and I didn't like it. Some people treat life as some sort of popularity contest, where it's not the quality of friendship that is important, but the number of friends you have. Now I have decided that I am going to live my life for me and my family. Not drinking, to me, seems a perfectly normal thing to aspire to. My friends can choose to live as they wish, and so can I. I no longer worry about fitting in. As someone famous once said, I would never join a club that would have me as a member
I hope I don't sound like some kind of anti people-person because I'm not. I think I might have realised that I have lived long enough to take control of my own life.
Anyway, sorry for ranting. Ive got to go and pick my wife up from work.
Good luck to you whichever path you choose.

[dilayne]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Bear, I just want to ditto everyone else here. Congratulations on the 7 days..it's a journey and we get to learn a lot about a lot of things on the. I always recommend trying for the 30 days Abs in the beginning..and then you can raise the question about mods or abs when you have the A out your system and it's not skewing your thinking. It is worth it to avoid the old playgrounds if you need to until you feel like you are more on solid ground. It's a personal journey as well and no one understands...expect uf, of course. Focus on the good intentions and don't let the fears distract you...you are doing great...YES, read the book, get the supps.everything that you need, we can't get enough help and information at times like these.
d

[rivergirl]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Bear, 6 days, 7 days that's great and you should feel proud. Go back and grab that feeling of accomplishment and savor it. You have done it so you know you CAN do it. We humans are VERY social creatures and very much creatures of habit. We subconsciously choose our friends to support our needs - even if those needs could hurt us.

A change of pattern is needed for you right now and a change of thought to go with the change of pattern. Do you have the hypno CDs? They really help with that change of attitude. You want to have friends that support the positive goals in your life. Write out what you really want most in your life and then consider if the friends you have are supporting those goals. Not just a good time tonight or this weekend - but long term goals that you might once have thought were out of reach. If your friends are not supporting these goals then start finding ways to find friends and places that will support your positive goals.

hang in there!

[lorisunshine]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

Hi Bear,
Congrats on the 7 days AF. It is a great accomplishment. Be gently to yourself as this is a journey that will take all the strenght that you can muster in the first couple of weeks. It gets easier.
Sometimes you have to take a good hard look at your closet and you'll find that there are a lot of clothes that don't suit you anymore. You have grown or your life has taken a different turn. That is the time to give the stuff to the goodwill. It is the same with friends. If they find out that you are in the process of making your life better, this puts the onus on them to do likewise. They either join you, drop you or the worst case scenario, they belittle your efforts. It is time to step away and re-assess what is in it for your if you keep this company. I just know you can do this.
After all you are our "Ursus Maximus".
Love Lori

[cad]

lapsed on day 7 unhelpful friends

hi bear73

congratulatons on AF free for 6 days!!.
i do know what you mean about sucuming to peer presure..as i know all about that!!
but if the help upto now you have recieved is not enough..i posted a thread about a month ago in a similar vein titled "other people" got some great advice there ...more advice the better i say!!
keep up the resolve but i really do know its hard sometimes..

take care chris