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**Ilex** · January 22, 2007, 06:40 AM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

Bear - firstly big (bear?!) :l

Secondly - harsh, but maybe you are seeing your friend in her true colours? Do you need a friend like that if she is making you feel so bad?..........

Thirdly - cuddle your cat and feel that warm, cushy feeling!

I x

**Lotus** · January 22, 2007, 06:53 AM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

Bear

I've got a friend like your's and I've stopped calling her now or meeting up with her.

We've been friends since Infants school, so we go back a long way. It just got to the point that the whole evening was spent her talking about herself. I haven't told her how I feel, but I just let her call me and it gives me the control to answer the call or not. It's upsetting as she is one of my oldest friends and I am all for being there for my friends, but I don't like it when they take the p**s and walk all over me.

My friend doesn't drink, so I can't blame it on the alcohol. She is just self-obsorbed...the world revolves around her. I never noticed it before, or maybe as I was drinking I just talked over her and now I am being polite and letting her finish!!!

I personally think it is an insecurity thing. Maybe it boosts there ego talking about themselves, or as a way of escaping reality. I can't tell you to not meet her, but I would suggest you take some time out from this friend.

:l Mandy x

**Changeling** · January 22, 2007, 07:02 AM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

Friends

I always think friends should enhance your life.
Good times or bad.....

**bear73** · January 22, 2007, 07:32 AM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

thanks all of you - i feel very sad about it all but to be honest for the last year or so I've been thinking this way. I have to see her as she's part of my long distance groups of 4 mates and i don't ewan to lose the other 2 (the 4 of us meet every few months).
I guess I need to withdraw emotionally - it blody annoys me I am stupidly loyal and dind't talk to my new friedns about how upset I was.They found it bizarre that she would coem dow nand hardly see me,invite them out without inviting me. Despite doing this she thinks my new friends in my home town are all a bit sad,not to be trusted,and a bit gossipy and pathetic - and I think that made me doubt them.
In fact I think that she may be jealous and actually I am doubting her motivations for saying things rather than theirs .Having said that she was supportive of my not drinking.She has in the past though called me boring for refusing a drink in front of people - on my birthday and when quite frankly it was a miracle I was still standing.
GRRR!I feel like crying and can't and I also feel very angry as well as sad. i have cut off 2 friends in the last few years due to overdramatic self centred behaviour and using me. I feel she is now acting the same, but we go back such a long time.sometimes the nice person is still there but not alway that apparent, I think I just need to limit contact as far as poss and not care what her views are, maybe point out that she has been talking about her self for a while next time she does it??
Think I need to accept that I am going to feel sad and angry for a bit - without any booze to dampen it down.That's not easy!BOO!

**Lotus** · January 22, 2007, 08:25 AM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

Bear

I am actually going to tell you what I found quite useful in Carr's book.

Yes, you could drink to make you feel that "high" and not so sad and upset. But what will that solve. The problems will still be there. Instead, give yourself a pat on the back for enduring the evening with such a friend without having to reach for a stiff drink. I know I would have been tempted to do so.

**bear73** · January 22, 2007, 08:37 AM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

thanks Mandy - I think it's a case of taking deep breaths, pointing out to her if she is offending me and doing some positive thinkig affirmations.
I'm not very good at feeling sad/angry, I'venot quite got the hang of just sitting with feelings yet and accepting them.Tend to try and rationalise through them.
I always tend to question myself too much, am I being unfair/harsh - I need to keep reminding myself that I do have a right to have my feelings and also to trust them.

I'll get there one day - think a lot of my drinking was a quick fix to self acceptance and confidence - obviously doesn't work but temporarily it gives an illusion of it.
May go back to counsellor again if feel blue after the one month mark. I guess this is like discovering yourself anew isn't it, getting to know yourself and what you like/don't like.
anyway thanks for posting back

**YoungAtHeart** · January 22, 2007, 08:51 AM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

I definitely think that you are on the right track, Bear. It's good to see you processing this here. You sound like a wonderfully loyal friend, and your friend, unfortunately, does not. I think that alcohol can dampen down those feelings so that they don't hurt so much. Maybe your drinking also helped you accept behaviors in others that you wouldn't normally accept???

I'm not saying that you need to dump your friend or anything, it sounds like you have an awful lot of history. But people do grow and change, and it may be that the nature of your relationship and feelings will change now that you are sober.

I think that you are doing very well, all things considered. Well done on getting through a tough weekend. Keep taking care of yourself, dear big bear!

Hugs,
Kathy:l

**Popeye** · January 22, 2007, 09:49 AM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

I'm sorry you feel bad bear. Iwish there was something I cold say to make you feel better. You have helped me many times.
I'll be thinking of you.

**lorisunshine** · January 22, 2007, 11:48 AM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

Hi Bear,
Sorry you are not feeling so well. Tomorrow shall be better.
May I make a comment on the "friend" issue. We all grow at different rates and different speed. When under the influenze, you may not see much wrong with that relationship, it's just more of the same old thing.

When you are sober it is like somebody had washed the windows of your soul and all of a sudden you can see all the crap and you don't like it one bit.
I have allowed so many people to consistendly hurt me and use me as a doormat. Then one day I was cleaning out my closet and was bagging clothes to give to the Goodwil. Some items I had a really hard time to let go, we had good times together, but they just did not fit me anymore. I got rid of them. Then I had a lightbulb moment. Yes, I can do that to my relationships as well. I got rid of the users and abusers, the toxic and negative influenzes that dragged me down.
I did not return calls or did not even take the phone. In one case I made it crystal clear that we had nothing in common anymore and I needed to get on with my life.

Now, when I look in my closet, there is a measure of order and when I look at my friends and acquaintences, I really want to be with them and I come away feeling better not worse.

Just wanted to share.
Love Lori

**southernbelle47** · January 22, 2007, 12:04 PM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

Hi Bear....Huggs to you!

I copied this from my inbox this morning thinking that it was useful information. I didn't know where it would fit in but thought maybe it would.
Is your friend an only child? I have a old friend that lives in another state now but when she calls it is almost always about HER! I don't have to put up with her much so I just endure...
I know I've been co-dependent in some ways but have tried to start setting boundries with my day to day life. There are some good book on the subject of "Boundries". Many are by a doctor McCloud.

:h Nancy

This Week's Tip For Life:

10 Tips for Letting Go of Codependency
by Steve Arterburn

1. Your self-esteem shouldn't be based on how well you please others. God accepts you just the way you are and you should too. Your worth is not measured by your performance.

2. Co-dependent people often view themselves as victims and are attracted to others who feel the same way. Guard against engaging in "pity party" conversations.

3. Fear of abandonment dominates co-dependent thinking. The co-dependent person will sometimes hold on to a painful relationship rather than risk confronting critical issues. If you fear abandonment, trace the roots of that feeling and examine it in the context of your present situation.
Read the full article...

**Cashregister** · January 22, 2007, 07:25 PM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

Hey,

I'm an only child!

No seriously bear - there are some friends who can just be toxic - i've had one since I was 13 who has continuously tried to undermine me, make me feel bad about myself etc etc. My P-doc recently told me to steer clear of her until I was stronger, or to gently end the friendship. As he put it - you can choose your friends.

Best Wishes

Cashy
xxxx

**Newyear** · January 22, 2007, 07:43 PM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

Hi Bear-
I was touched by your situation. I know I have found myself in similar situations as well. Talking on the phone with a friend who seems to have plenty of time to tell me all about her life and what happened etc and when it comes to my turn to talk....well, somehow there always seems to be something distracting and she has to call me later. When later comes the conversation somehow is back about her.
You got lots of good advice here. I just wanted to add one thing (something I'm trying to do right now too).....you don't need to drop your friend if that is too difficult, but consider adding new friends. Make a point of trying to seek out new friendships. It can help add some balance. And you may make a really good friend in the process.
You did do really well though! And I second the idea of hugging your cat - always helps me

Lisa

**vinophile** · January 22, 2007, 08:01 PM

miserable monday - but good(ish)weekend

Great advice Lori!!!!

Yes Bear, I find emotions very hard to deal with. I'm so used to dulling them with alcohol. I have found that of late I must reassess my friendships with people. If they are poison to me then it's time to get rid of them. I know that when I'm sober for a period of time I can put up with much less crap from other people... and rightly so.

Great job getting through without the alcohol. Know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

Janet

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