Mornin' all!!!
Well first....a morning prayer for Grateful Em and her family, on what must be a terribly heartbreaking day for them, and many others that are involved in this HORRENDOUS situation......Em sweetie, I am sure that everyone here sends much love to you, your husband and your dear young man today....:h
Also Accountable....many melonhugs to you my dear.......you are going through the mill at the moment and no mistake....strength my girlie xxx
And this brings me to my post....................
It has now been Wednesday for nearly 4 hours in Kiwiagogo land.....and I have been awake for 3 of them ..............When i first got up at 1:10...my first thoughts were.."oh God...not again...will I EVER be able to sleep for more than 3 hours a night, I won't get home from work 'til 8:00pm, oh, I'm so tired (whinge, whine, moan)...
until I went through a load of the recent posts, and shared some of the 'real' issues that many others are going through here.........
I have been very good recently, at using my fingers to (almost gleefully in a miserable sort of way!) add up all my 'problems', and then use these as an excuse to blame the whole world and everything in it for all the negative feelings that have been swamping me for the last few weeks....Recently, after posting about my general miserability, I decided to take some time for a good hard look at my life and attitude, and see what could be done to bloomin' well sort it out, and after having read the board this morning...my resolve is even stronger......I seemed to think that because I have stopped drinking...everything else should be rosy and scrumptious in the melonpatch...sort of like I 'deserved' a jolly and carefree life as a 'reward' for not drinking...........
I ......and no one else...poured wine down my neck every night, even though I knew it would make me feel bad and behave ATROCIOUSLY to everyone else around me, ruining my families life, any social functions I have attended, and letting my employers down through under performance due to hangovers.....there are plenty of people who DON'T do this, and yet I seemed to think that because I so 'graciously' decline the old vino tinto now, that the universe owes me one big favour??????? Gosh...wot an inflated idea of self importance!!!!!
What I am doing now, is living my life as many other people do, with ups and downs, only they have been strong enough to face them without such a destructive crutch. I have told myself that I will never drink again.....and the fluffy little melonbrain has taken that information to heart and is heeding it strictly....the next thing it needs to know, is that I am not some sort of martyr for doing so, and that this is no time to rest on the laurels and think that no further effort is necessary just because I have crossed one of my major hurdles.......There is plenty of work to do on myself, and I have to get BUSY.......When I posted my story in 'just starting out' at the end, I wrote that I was a very depressive and negative woman on the booze, and i just hoped that this wasn't the true personality I would be left with during my sober life hahaha...well....I have got a short sharp shock to discover that this is not such a big joke! I AM a 'blamer'...my drinking was always 'caused' by something other than me...and now my feelings of unhappiness are 'of course' anyone elses fault other than mine...NOT a pretty picture, but one I have already started to re paint......
I have 54 GLORIOUS days of sobriety under my belt...and yet I have not been making the most of them...I have kept myself in the same mental position as I was when I was slurping, but with other issues instead.....WOT a waste of my time..........well no more...yes I will have downs, but instead of wallowing in them, I will try my very hardest to do something about them, or at least live reasonably companionably with them....Welcome to the world Melongirl!!!! Now GET on with it!!!!
Much love to all today....and once again, to Em and Accountable.......my thoughts are with you....your strength in difficult times is an inspiration and a further wake up call......may God see you through with love and compassion........:h
Well first....a morning prayer for Grateful Em and her family, on what must be a terribly heartbreaking day for them, and many others that are involved in this HORRENDOUS situation......Em sweetie, I am sure that everyone here sends much love to you, your husband and your dear young man today....:h
Also Accountable....many melonhugs to you my dear.......you are going through the mill at the moment and no mistake....strength my girlie xxx
And this brings me to my post....................
It has now been Wednesday for nearly 4 hours in Kiwiagogo land.....and I have been awake for 3 of them ..............When i first got up at 1:10...my first thoughts were.."oh God...not again...will I EVER be able to sleep for more than 3 hours a night, I won't get home from work 'til 8:00pm, oh, I'm so tired (whinge, whine, moan)...
until I went through a load of the recent posts, and shared some of the 'real' issues that many others are going through here.........
I have been very good recently, at using my fingers to (almost gleefully in a miserable sort of way!) add up all my 'problems', and then use these as an excuse to blame the whole world and everything in it for all the negative feelings that have been swamping me for the last few weeks....Recently, after posting about my general miserability, I decided to take some time for a good hard look at my life and attitude, and see what could be done to bloomin' well sort it out, and after having read the board this morning...my resolve is even stronger......I seemed to think that because I have stopped drinking...everything else should be rosy and scrumptious in the melonpatch...sort of like I 'deserved' a jolly and carefree life as a 'reward' for not drinking...........
I ......and no one else...poured wine down my neck every night, even though I knew it would make me feel bad and behave ATROCIOUSLY to everyone else around me, ruining my families life, any social functions I have attended, and letting my employers down through under performance due to hangovers.....there are plenty of people who DON'T do this, and yet I seemed to think that because I so 'graciously' decline the old vino tinto now, that the universe owes me one big favour??????? Gosh...wot an inflated idea of self importance!!!!!
What I am doing now, is living my life as many other people do, with ups and downs, only they have been strong enough to face them without such a destructive crutch. I have told myself that I will never drink again.....and the fluffy little melonbrain has taken that information to heart and is heeding it strictly....the next thing it needs to know, is that I am not some sort of martyr for doing so, and that this is no time to rest on the laurels and think that no further effort is necessary just because I have crossed one of my major hurdles.......There is plenty of work to do on myself, and I have to get BUSY.......When I posted my story in 'just starting out' at the end, I wrote that I was a very depressive and negative woman on the booze, and i just hoped that this wasn't the true personality I would be left with during my sober life hahaha...well....I have got a short sharp shock to discover that this is not such a big joke! I AM a 'blamer'...my drinking was always 'caused' by something other than me...and now my feelings of unhappiness are 'of course' anyone elses fault other than mine...NOT a pretty picture, but one I have already started to re paint......
I have 54 GLORIOUS days of sobriety under my belt...and yet I have not been making the most of them...I have kept myself in the same mental position as I was when I was slurping, but with other issues instead.....WOT a waste of my time..........well no more...yes I will have downs, but instead of wallowing in them, I will try my very hardest to do something about them, or at least live reasonably companionably with them....Welcome to the world Melongirl!!!! Now GET on with it!!!!
Much love to all today....and once again, to Em and Accountable.......my thoughts are with you....your strength in difficult times is an inspiration and a further wake up call......may God see you through with love and compassion........:h
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