Hi!
I don't post here much, but have from time to time. I think I have shared that although I am of the belief that for me, abs is the way to go, I have difficulty putting much AF time together, if any. I have always known that most of my issue with alcohol is an issue of the mind, as I think, it is for most of us. It is the obsession, followed by the compulsion, which leads to put the alcohol in us, which leads us to drink more until we have had too much. You would think, as a psychologist, I might be better equipped than some to deal with issues of the mind, but what we do as a profession has little to do with who we are as people, and I have been completely ill-equipped when it came to this issue with me.
Anyway, I have been doing really poorly since the beginning of the year, drinking nightly, having my fill. I try to keep from my family what I do, because I know it upsets them, so I am not open about my drinking with them (as though they don't know!). BUT, what has been happening is this: Come late afternoon, I think about the evening. I don't even WANT to drink at that point, but I think to myself..."if I don't buy the stuff now (I dont keep it in my house) then I won't have it later, I will want it terribly, and be stuck without it". or, "if I don't have it, how will I sleep?? It will be so horrible!" So I go and buy it, and of course, then I have it, and then I drink it. Some nights, I buy less, thinking that is a better choice, but of course once I start, I want my fill. Then I have to think of some sorry excuse to leave the house so I can get more which of course does two things: Puts me on the road after drinking, and makes it obvious to my family what I am doing. Anyway, the point is, I set myself up, based on a THOUGHT of what the night MIGHT BE, instead of going with what IS. I truly do.
OK, so for some reason, the night before last, drinking the same as most other nights effected differently. Much worse. I slept horribly, and woke up feeling really, really awful (not that I usually wake up chipper!). I felt pretty sick all day, my stomach was horrible, I was tired. Just terrible. I work from home now, but if I were still working out of the home, it might have been the first time in my life I would have called in sick. It was terrible. Well last night I did not drink. First night in a long time. I went to bed early. I was afraid I wouldnt sleep, so I took an antihistimine. Well, I fell asleep by 10 and slept until almost 9 today (I had the day off). I woke up as though it were a new world. I didn't down glasses of water, I am not exausted, and I realize I have been living as though I have the flu everyday. And thinking clearly, I realize what a rediculous head trip I have been on. I don't even ENJOY drinking anymore. I DON"T! I do it because of what my head is telling me..."what will happen if I don't drink this?" rather than any other reason. A TOTAL head trip!!!!
I know this is really long, but I am writing it here, publicly, because I need to. And because I want it somewhere I can come back and read it when my head gets nuts again. I really want to try abs, and I am so frightened to say that and be once again a miserable failure. It is embarrasing. I HATE to fail. Especially in front of people.
So, here it goes. I am hoping to be able to hold my head high and join all of you. OH, and I don't have those bottles to through away again today, hidden somewhere I have to hope I remember.
Thanks for listening.
Beth
I don't post here much, but have from time to time. I think I have shared that although I am of the belief that for me, abs is the way to go, I have difficulty putting much AF time together, if any. I have always known that most of my issue with alcohol is an issue of the mind, as I think, it is for most of us. It is the obsession, followed by the compulsion, which leads to put the alcohol in us, which leads us to drink more until we have had too much. You would think, as a psychologist, I might be better equipped than some to deal with issues of the mind, but what we do as a profession has little to do with who we are as people, and I have been completely ill-equipped when it came to this issue with me.
Anyway, I have been doing really poorly since the beginning of the year, drinking nightly, having my fill. I try to keep from my family what I do, because I know it upsets them, so I am not open about my drinking with them (as though they don't know!). BUT, what has been happening is this: Come late afternoon, I think about the evening. I don't even WANT to drink at that point, but I think to myself..."if I don't buy the stuff now (I dont keep it in my house) then I won't have it later, I will want it terribly, and be stuck without it". or, "if I don't have it, how will I sleep?? It will be so horrible!" So I go and buy it, and of course, then I have it, and then I drink it. Some nights, I buy less, thinking that is a better choice, but of course once I start, I want my fill. Then I have to think of some sorry excuse to leave the house so I can get more which of course does two things: Puts me on the road after drinking, and makes it obvious to my family what I am doing. Anyway, the point is, I set myself up, based on a THOUGHT of what the night MIGHT BE, instead of going with what IS. I truly do.
OK, so for some reason, the night before last, drinking the same as most other nights effected differently. Much worse. I slept horribly, and woke up feeling really, really awful (not that I usually wake up chipper!). I felt pretty sick all day, my stomach was horrible, I was tired. Just terrible. I work from home now, but if I were still working out of the home, it might have been the first time in my life I would have called in sick. It was terrible. Well last night I did not drink. First night in a long time. I went to bed early. I was afraid I wouldnt sleep, so I took an antihistimine. Well, I fell asleep by 10 and slept until almost 9 today (I had the day off). I woke up as though it were a new world. I didn't down glasses of water, I am not exausted, and I realize I have been living as though I have the flu everyday. And thinking clearly, I realize what a rediculous head trip I have been on. I don't even ENJOY drinking anymore. I DON"T! I do it because of what my head is telling me..."what will happen if I don't drink this?" rather than any other reason. A TOTAL head trip!!!!
I know this is really long, but I am writing it here, publicly, because I need to. And because I want it somewhere I can come back and read it when my head gets nuts again. I really want to try abs, and I am so frightened to say that and be once again a miserable failure. It is embarrasing. I HATE to fail. Especially in front of people.
So, here it goes. I am hoping to be able to hold my head high and join all of you. OH, and I don't have those bottles to through away again today, hidden somewhere I have to hope I remember.
Thanks for listening.
Beth
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