Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

[retteacher]

Everyone:

At last night's BB meeting we read a great story. In the last paragraph of the story, was a line about the stealth & patience of alcoholism. It's always there waiting for us to feel weak, abandon our HP, & give in. It emphasized the need to stay focussed on going to meetings & working the steps. I absolutely need to see that, otherwise I can begin to take my sobriety for granted & feel like I might be able to drink again.

It's so important for me to remember that I am working this program for me & my betterment. I'm not in a competition. I just have to remember that it's a one day at a time endeavor.

Mary

[Cinders]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

Mary,

A good and timely post for me. :-)

A shout out hello to all AA friends. Now that I can drive again, I am going to start going to meetings, myself. I am so looking forward to it.

Love to all,
Cindi

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

Tough Day

Just out of sorts. I am just coming to grip with all this. It's hard coming out denial. I knew I had this thing for years. Acceptance is tough. I'm still in anger and depression. Damn I really have this thing. Grateful to not be alone. But still just feeling down.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

cindi: So glad you're able to get to meetings. With your personality, you'll make friends & build a great support group.

SF: I too had so much denial. Taking the 1st step of AA: admitting I'm powerless over AL was my way out of it. This program is simple but not easy. Good luck. M

[Honeysoup]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

I have a great story to tell...Yesterday, I woke up somewhat not remembering how I got to bed, AGAIN! I have had it, I woke up thinking WHY WHY WHY can't I get over this. How stupid am I? I had my scheduled 2nd Counseling session last night so I was glad that I could go there after work and get started on this again. It was a successful session and gave me more determination to quite. I have also recently been going back to church, which I feel great about. The bad thing is I told the kids we would go on Sunday and I woke up way to hungover and didn't want to. Bad Bad Bad!

Then I got a call from my husband while I was at work and he told me this friend of his from work would like to come over for a bit and wants to grill out. I was like sure, guys in the garage and I can focus on my pj's and start reading my Jason Vale book. NOPE that didn't happen, I didn't know this friend of his was bringing his wife. Then I got defensive and was like kind made bc I wasn't in the mood to entertain. So, I ask him, well are they gonna drink? And he didn't know. Then they called and said they were stopping at the store to get a few things and some drinks. Again, Oh great, here we go. Not only do I have to entertain people I don't know, how am I going to get t through this without drinking. So, I tried to relax and then here they come. COME TO FIND OUT....one of the first thing she tells me is that she just got out of PRISON! Um ya, now what. Then she tells me she doesn't drink and has been sober for 5 years. She goes to AA meetings 3 times a week. My mouth DROPPED, OMG, it's a miracle. I truly believe this was Gods doing. We had a great conversation and I then I was like. Wait a second, did my husband set this up? But HE HAD NO IDEA....So weird and SO THANKFUL and Grateful that it had happened either way. So, tonight she is picking me up and heading to AA.
I am scared, and don't know if I will change my mind and I just have so many emotions going on in my head.
Anyway, I am back and have never been on this thread before, but I wanted to give it a try.
Sorry this was so long I just wanted to tell someone 
Good luck to everyone today...

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

HS: I hope you do go tonight w/your new AA friend. It's great you can go w/someone. Don't have any expectations & try not to compare when you hear people share. Keep an open mind.

I had trouble forever w/relapsing...even after joining MWO. One particularly disgusting drunk landed me in the ER & subsequently I went to AA. I was scared to death! I didn't want to go but knew I had to, as nothing else worked.

I'm now 3 years sober & have much to be grateful for.

Good luck...please let us know how the meeting worked for you.

Mary

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

Hello

Mary your story sounds a bit like mine. Forever relapsing and that wonderful visit to the ER a few months ago. Nothing has worked. The AA program did work for me a few years back....but, I had to fall a bit further....and go through a few more years of hell.

I am just home from my AA meeting and feeling good. What is different this time....is that I am asking for help. And I am actually listening in the meetings.

One thing that always strikes me....is that we all relate so much to the insanity of what we have done is that we laugh at stories....where others would sit there in shock. And they would be horrified.

I am also much more willing and not questioning every little thing. Just prior to the meeting I was reading page 20 of the book and my sick brain was so relieved to see that I was just a "hard drinker" rather than a true alcoholic. I could hear the cheering in my brain. THAT is a big sign that yes I really am one.

Honey....yes miracles do happen when we least see them coming.....but, need them the most.

One day at a time.

[Honeysoup]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

Good Morning Nesters!
I went to my AA meeting last night sweating like a whore in church. I was SO scared and nervous, but everyone was extremely welcoming. By the time I left I got 5 phone numbers from wonderful women. They hugged and welcomed me and I cried and they cried and it was a very moving moment.
One of the topics brought out many different feelings. Everything people said was exactly what I was thinking. I thought I was the only one, who know? I’m NOT crazy, I’m an alcoholic. One woman kind of hit the nail on the head and she talked about her feelings from way back in 1st or 2nd grade. She explained how she never felt like she fit in anywhere. That no matter what she did she felt like she didn’t belong. She would try to hang with friends but she always felt like she needed an invitation to be welcomed. “who know it wasn’t always about her”. The more she explained and the more the rest of the group explained was like, “Are they reading my thoughts?”
It was just amazing and overwhelming all at the same time. I was invited to go back tonight, and I agreed although, I hate leaving my house once I am home. Anyway just wanted to let ya’ll know how it went.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

HS & SF: When I first started going to AA, I kept questioning: Am I really an alcoholic? I hadn't been arrested, hadn't lost my family or job, & wasn't homeless. Yes, I am an alcoholic.
- I drank whole bottles of booze all by myself in secret.
- I blacked out regularly.
- I was hospitalized for an alcohol overdose.
- I didn't drink like anyone I knew.

We alcoholics are all individuals & have different stories. I've identified (the same way you have) w/the most unlikely people...motorcycle dudes, young folks, etc. I too had all the characteristics of alcoholism long before I took the first drink.

For me it was essential to:
- Join a group.
- Get a sponsor.
- Do service work.

I didn't do all of the above right away. I had to first get over feeling of being unique & different. Then, I did plunge in. After 3 years of sobriety:
- I still get the occasional drink thought.
- I still am tempted to skip meetings.

But, I know if I don't keep at it, I'll drink again. The desire lies in wait for me when I slack off.

Good luck...please fill us in.

Mary

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

Am I really an alcoholic? I hadn't been arrested, hadn't lost my family or job, & wasn't homeless. Yes, I am an alcoholic.
- I drank whole bottles of booze all by myself in secret.
- I blacked out regularly.
- I was hospitalized for an alcohol overdose.
- I didn't drink like anyone I knew

Mary I too questioned it. Especially, how they describe the alcoholic in the BB vs. the Heavy Drinker. Even if I am just a Heavy Drinker....which I am not....I don't want to be one
[*]I drank alone alot[*]Never knew if I was or was not going to drink that day[*]Did not drink in the am or been arrested (just because I had not gotten caught)[*]Never knew what was going to happen after I took a drink[*]Did not drink like anyone else....so I started pre-drinking[*]Went to the hospital begging for rehab...tested hours later at a .18[*]After a few I would search the internet for ways to stop doing the very thing I was doing[*]Just a whole bunch of dumb stuff


Honey....I too started going to church awhile back. I LOVED it....missed it whole bunch due to hangovers. Now I go every Sunday and Wednesday....and LOVE it.

One day at a time.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

Yesterday I had a small issue w/my daughter & SIL. This would have been the very thing to drive me to drink. I got through it w/a couple of discussions w/both of them. Now, it's all over. No need to drink, & I learned something about myself as well. Life is so much easier wo/alcohol in it. I cannot & will not drink today. Mary

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

Mary so happy that you got through that. Your wisdom gives me hope.

I am not proud of this, nor am I pampering myself. I drank last night. My brain really needs to learn that it is not OK to drink. But, I did recognize a pattern in myself. I had a week of just going full throttle at work. Then I see a tiny window where I think I can drink. Boss was not going to be in the office today, I did not have much to do at work.....and thought it would be ok to have a minor hangover today. I carefully drank a six pack as fast as I could....so I could get to bed early and at least be at work. I did go to bed early.....woke up with the worst of stomach. Went to work and proceeded to get "all the little things done". By noon I was in the bathroom for 3 hours. This is not pretty as its the only restroom and people where coming in and out. And I had taken medication to stop the bathroom issue....and it was not working at all. I guess I don't really understand the whole allergy thing. If I eat ice cream I get an allergic reaction right away. But, I was realizing today my body was rejecting the alcohol full force. I did this to myself and I have every right to beat myself up about it. And the urge to drink is so strong right now....crazy!

What do I need to do:
I need to get a schedule of meetings that I go to.....so far I am only consistant at a Tuesday night meeting....that usually ends up being mostly men
I need to get a sponsor
I actually need to work the program

Here is the full out nuts thing. I got a sponsor....but, she was reluctant to take me on....as she said "she was quite busy" and would "try". Then she gave me a list of things I had to do....which I started to feel caged. And she said if I drank at all....she would not be my sponsor. I sooo understand, but at the same time....if I truly understood how to not drink...I would not even be there. So instead of admitting my failure....I just called her and left a message saying that I had gone to a meeting (lie) and found a new sponsor....as I understood that she was "busy". I am sure she is glad to be off the hook with me.

I feel lost and alone. And its my own fault.

I need to fully understand that it is absoultely not ok to drink for any reason....regardless of what my brain tells me....or the little window that opens up. The whole bathroom episode convinced me that I am actually allergic.....if I ate chinese food and spent 3 hours in the bathroom the next day....it would be a very long time I would even go near a chinese place. I doubt I would be mentally craving chinese food. But, I am an addict....and that is why.

I am sorry to ramble on. I really want to get out of this. And until I actually start doing what the people say they did to recover....I will not. Period.

So many times I hear in meetings what got them there....was go or die. For me dying seems like an option I am willing to risk. But, I know better. God will not allow me to die, or I would have been dead long ago. He will allow my worst fear to continue. Which is living like this. That scrares me way more than dying. I will say this though....with the short stints of sobriety I have gotten....I see a beatiful life....and glad I'm not dead. So now I am gaining the fear of dying.....missing out on living a beautiful life.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

SF: OK. You've had a slip. Now, you just have to regroup (which you already seem to be doing) & regain your program. It's probably for the best that you are switching sponsors. You probably need one that will guide you in a specific way & who won't abandon you if you relapse...not that you will do that again. I do think you are going to have to do some soul-searching about whether you are ready to whole-heartedly commit to AA & all that it entails. For me, in order to stay sober, I must:
-stay in consistent contact w/my sponsor.
-go to meetings at least 3 - 5 times per week...more if I feel "weak."
-work the 12 steps daily.
-have a "home group."
-do some kind of service to the program.

I too have the allergy. I can't count the number of times I threw up & had severe gastro-intestinal problems of the type you've described. For the 3 years that I've been sober, I have not thrown up even one time. What a gift! Throwing up, headaches, & GI difficulties were a daily event.

-Keep going w/your program.
-Don't drink today.
-Try not to think about the future.
-Go to a meeting.

Good luck. Mary

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

Mary thank you.

I know that I have to get serious about this, because it it serious. It determines whether I have a life of hell. And that is what I have in front of me.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 18 - 24

SF: The sober life really takes time to take hold. Be patient & remember one day at a time. M