Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

[retteacher]

Hi Everyone:

I just got a chance to look at the photos at the end of the toolbox thread. They perfectly depict the isolation that alcoholism caused. I would wake up & try to get through the day after a binge just filled w/remorse, guilt, & regret. People around me would be going about their lives, & I was living an entirely different existence. My deteriorating physical condition was a constant reminder of what I was doing to myself, i.e. putting lots of poison into my body on a daily basis.

Last night's BB story was again in the section of the BB that is so relevant to me: people who didn't quite hit the extreme bottom. In the beginning of his time in AA, the person in the story was constantly questioning whether he really was an alcoholic. At one point, while on a trip, he decided to "test" whether he could have one drink. Of course, that experiment led to a full-out binge.

I really don't question my alcoholism any more. No, I wasn't the worst drunk in history, but my drinking was highly abnormal, & I have to remember that. I take my sobriety one day at a time. I go to meetings as often as I can. It's a one hour committment out of the day...a small one compared to the number of hours I wasted drinking.

Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

I just read Nicey's story of her relapse. I don't know if you come to this thread Nicey, but I really identified w/your story. I was a closet drinker, & your description of that type of drinking was a page right out of my history book. I've heard of people relapsing after 16 - 17 years of sobriety. It only takes a little bit of stinkin' thinkin' to begin to go into a relapse: "Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic." or "Maybe I can have just one now & then." or "All these years of sobriety have changed me." For me, it's no, no, no! I cannot drink normally now or ever.

I do get a twinge now & then when I see people sipping socially. I have to remember that I wasn't a social drinker. I drank warm wine out of coffee mugs. I gulped when no one was looking. I hid bottles. etc.

No, I'm now in the habit of drinking soft drinks while normal drinkers are having their one or two drinks. I will continue to do that, because that's what I must do.

M

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

Just home from a meeting. It was a rather large one and made me uncomfortable. I don't think I heard a word that was said.

The pictures posted are so true. I used to think that I was at least "there". I wasn't "there" at all.

One day at a time.

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

Greetings all,
Yeah Mary, I have to remind myself that I don't drink like most people. I never "sipped" my beer. I chugged it. It was still educational for me to observe how normal people drink. I know that I am not capable of that kind of drinking.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

I really like watching normal people drink...that would include my husband who often doesn't even finish his second drink in a whole night. I absolutely know I cannot drink like that...I never have, even before I started daily drinking.

SF: Some of the larger meetings can be intimidating. I was desperate enough that I pushed myself to continue going. I really had to force myself. I knew that I had tried every other thing to stop & nothing else worked.

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

Today it is my plan to attend two meetings. The one over lunch is large, but for some reason i am ok with that one. I usually don't say anything, but hear much wisdom from the regulars. Tonight is my one regular meeting. It is mostly men, but it is small and I feel I can be honest there.

Yesterday I was picking up a to go order for lunch....and there on the bar sat a half full draft beer that someone had left behind. I was looking for its owner....no where to be found. I like that i saw the glass half full vs. half empty

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

SF: Isn't it amazing how people leave drinks half-full/empty. I could never understand that though I counted on it when cleaning up after a get-together at my home. I'd drink all the dregs not caring about germs. Amazing what we do when addicted to alcohol.

I too have a small meeting that I like. It too is mostly men...sometimes I'm the only woman...but, I feel secure enough to share there. After 3 years, I now feel pretty comfortable at meetings. Most of the time, when I walk in, I know at least a few people there...usually more.

Good luck.

Mary

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

Mary and SF, my regular meeting is 630am. We usually run about 16 to 20 people, mostly men, maybe 4 women maximum. It is so cool how comfortable everyone is after a while. To me it feels good to have a "home" group.

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

I went to a lunch meeting today, because after reading the Daily Reflection today...."the normal drinker and the release from care"....that is what I chase. That is what I get if I drink myself silly. I don't even care about the massive hangover I'll have the next day.

I really like this lunch meeting, but rarely can make it due to work. There ends up being a guy there that has been the program for years....but, this is the first time he has come to this meeting. He spoke about step Zero. He said in his regular meeting its basically the talk one has to have with one's self and possibly another member in the group....before they can surrender. Bill W. had to meet with people, talk with them.....before the person was ready to surrender. There is a step Zero. It finally came into place for me.

When I drank last week....I got physically ill...even though I had not had that much to drink. Then drank for 2 more nights letting my family down, letting myself down. I thought I had lost a friend in the program. The horrible anxiety. I just don't want that anymore. Release from care my ass! My silly little brain. The temporary release from care is not worth the hell that ensues....and continues for 2 days even after my last drink.

Thank you for this thread. As I go to more meetings I am sure I will find more that I am comfortable in. I am sure that I will find the person to be a sponsor.

So....I went to the 6:30p meeting. My friend that I thought I had lost was there. I did not say much. I think my brain was too busy going through transformation.

Now I need to the leg work of just writing down....all the step zero stuff...so I can get onto step 1 and maybe get a sponsor.

I am still not crazy about the sponsor thing. I am not ready. But its one day at a time.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

SF: It is one day at a time. This is a simple program, but it is not easy. Everything happens when it is supposed to happen. Good luck. Mary

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

Went to a client of mine that is a Wine&Spirits store today. The place has never bothered me as I really do not like or drank either. Today in the office there were tasting glasses with just a drop left in the bottom. I wanted to lick that drop out of the glass! It was fleeting.

Tried to get to a lunch meeting after this appointment. But it ran long and darn traffic.

Tonight I have a church group that I joined with my AA friend. We like it as we can take the kids. And it's nice to hear normies talk about problems that I would have drank over. Instead they learned to pray. Who would have thought?

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

Sunflower, just my experience, but don't worry about "time frames", such as time to get a sponsor, time to do a certain step. Your time is ......well ....your time.
But do keep coming back.

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

Thanks Phil. Years ago i was in the program and rushed everything and thought I got to step 9. I ended up going back out for years, convinced that AA did not work. I know it works, there is so much living proof.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

Definitely good advice from you, Phil. I didn't rush myself when I first got to AA. I didn't think I could identify but made myself keep going to meetings...desperation is a good motivator. I didn't want to talk to get to know anyone. Eventually all fell into place. It will for you too. Mary

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread - June 25 - July 2

Listened to a speaker cd today. Dang the guy was so good, I almost thought i was just in the heavy drinker crowd. Then I had glimpses of remembering times it clearly was not the case. I guess this thought wears on me because my dad drank heavily everyday for my entire childhood, stopped drinking for 30 days and did resume daily drinking.....but limited it to 3-4 beers since then. It's been 20 years now that he has done that. I am not him. And even if I could fall into the heavy drinker crowd.....why would I want too?

The heat has been awful here. I have been drinking tons of water and still dehydrated. I can't believe I lived so long with daily dehydration from alcohol. Not drinking and being dehydrated makes me see clearly what a huge effect that had on my daily living.