struggling

[aquamarine]

I am finding this so difficult to stay AF. I really want to do this, I have to do this but boy this really is a struggle. I am going to stick with it because I really want to eliminate alcohol from my life and I know that I just cannot drink in moderation. I'm going to start for a month of AF today and just try harder. I really hate myself right now. I feel like I am in a big dark hole. It is such a depressing and scary feeling. I know it will lift if I can get some nondrinking time together. Once again my husband is livid with me, doesn't believe I will stop which I just have to ignore because it just drags me down. Thanks for listening.

[dilayne]

struggling

Aqua..please try to be compassionate with yourself. Treat yourself as if you were your own daughter..knowing that she is trying her best. You can do this..you can also ask your husband to try to be a little more supportive of your efforts. I certainly understand and remember the feelings you are having. But it's when I turned the hatred into love that things seemed to happen for the better.

Anything you can do to replace the 'habit' with something nurturing to yourself will be helpful. Get something to read, or a hobby...cook something, or clean out a closet. This may help your husband see your efforts to. It is a process, but it will happen if you want it to. (((huge hugs))) Keep posting and you'll see some light soon.
Love,
Dianne

[lushy]

struggling

Aqua, I am sorry you are so down. You will feel better with lots of AF days under your belt, and I understand the struggle to do it. I am sorry your husband is not more supportive. That sure does not help matters. But keep posting here, we will support you.......

[gabby]

struggling

Aqua, I sure do understand as well. Seems like you try and try, and make some progress only to fall again. For me I found that it took several falls and several attempts to finally get it. It seems like I got sick of the whole thing finally just made the switch. Also.....topamax really made the difference for me. Is that something you have considered?
Love ya

[Wynot]

struggling

My heart goes out to you Aquamarine. I feel just as you've described sooooo many times. I spent yesterday in another hungover, hate myself, crappy place. My husband doesn't take me seriously about wanting to stop drinking either. I wish I could offer some wise advise but all I can do is tell you what others on this site have told me... take it easy on yourself and try to stay positive.

Feel better soon, Diane

[sri]

struggling

My doctor said something compassionate to me last Thursday when I was at rock bottom. She said the more times you fail and yet want to start again, the closer you are to success. I had gone "cold turkey" for five days and was a mess! I started on topa and sups and CDs and exercise and support.....and this week is better......don't give up. My husband is sick of me, sick of my promises, lies and failure. I can't rely on him - and I guess he thinks he can no longer rely on me. It is what it is; we are where we are. It is up to me to just do what I can. Be compassionate with myself and do my best -today. I wish you compassion for yourself and courage today, Aquamarine!

[Accountable for Me]

struggling

Aqua, I couldn't agree more with what the others have said here.

I can't even tell you how many times I have tried to quit. My family thought I was just saying it to get them off my back. At times I didn't know what hurt more. The withdrawals or their disbelief. I was actually trying and ultimately it is all that matters. So, you just have to put aside everyone else's comments and focus on you. The more you try, the better you will get at it. Honestly. Be kind to yourself. You are doing this because you want to. Addictions are tough to beat. If someone doesn't have this addiction they really never understand it. Keep your chin up and try again. We will be here for you, no matter what. :l

[blondie]

struggling

Aqua
Sorry to hear where you are at present. It can seem overwhelming at times, especially when we have invested so much of our life into drinking. I found keeping away from here and then thinking everyone seems to be able to do it except me, but reading posts I know it isn't/wasn't easy for anyone, but the simple fact that we want to change and do try is certainly something to focus on and I feel it will all fall into place (with, of course, some work and plans!)
Sri, what a wonderful thing your doctor said to you! It's these little encouragements that propel us forwards and upwards
love
blondie

[lookingforsigns]

struggling

Hi Aqua, I really know how you feel, right this moment as a matter of fact. Just killing myself to stay away from having a drink. I've been 4 days AF and done the same 3 weeks in a row then fallen hard from the wagon Thursday or Friday. I can hardly believe I'm making it through today and am terrified of tomorrow. The best help I've been able to find is creating little lists I keep around and carry with me that are there to remind me of why I need to quit. Also, exercise dvds are good to keep you occupied during the hard hours.

Hope this helps and wish you the best.

[Popeye]

struggling

Dear Aquamarine.
I, too, have been in the same place as you. So many times I have sat, talking to myself, telling myself how useless I am, and feeling soooo sad; not sorry for myself...just sad.
It's a shame that you are getting flack from your husband. Pease remember that you can come here any time for all the support and encouragement you need.
I hope that you feel better soon...

[optimist]

struggling

Dear Aqua,
Hon, Don't give up - this morning at 5 am ( which is much better than the 3 am I'm often awake at) I was happy that I was sleeping better. For most people this would be negative but for those of us with this "addiction" it was a positive. No, I'm not AF, but I have certainly modified and I am determined and loving the support I've had here. Stay with it - stay with you - love you!
OP

[aquamarine]

struggling

I want to thank each and every one of you that responded to my post - Dilayne, Lush, Gabby, Sri,
Whynot, Accountable For Me, Optimist, Blondie, Looking for Signs, Popeye. You'll never know how much it helped me to get your support coming back at me. Everything you had to say really helped. One of the problems with this is the whole thing is so isolating. You can really feel so alone. I'm blessed with great friends and I'm never physically alone but noone knows the extent of my problem or the fact that I'm trying to tackle it. I just feel too embarassed to tell them even though I know I shouldn't be. It's so great to be able to get advise and support from you guys who I know truly know what this is like. I feel much better at the moment. After I wrote the post I went off to New Hampshire and joined my family skiing. After 6 hours of skiing my head was in a much better place. I'm just going keep on trying. I finally got the CDs so I 'm looking forward to starting them . The only thing I'm not doing is the Topamax. I was on that drug several years ago for severe migraines which it worked miraculously well. But it was very hard to get the right dose because I was very sensitive to it and I had a hard time getting off it - so I don't really want to start all over with it . Thanks all again for all your wonderful insightful thoughts- I truly appreciate it. Aquamarine

[Determinator]

struggling

Aquamarine, you sound so much better! Skiing is a great idea and you've got me looking up to the Sierras now. I too felt so terribly alone for so many years but this great place has opened my eyes. congrads!