Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

[Byrdlady]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Hey Daisy and SL, great to see you both. I'm so happy to hear that you are doing so well, D....there is just no comparision to your posts when you are submerged and when you are not. I hope that you won't listen to those dam voices...the ones that want you to go into the darkness again. It's a trap. Keep well and keep posting!
I have a colonoscopy on Friday, jealous? Thought not...I have to get them yearly, I have Crohns/colitis and I must be mindful of colon cancer with that, as well as the fact that it RUNS on both sides of my family. There are 1000 colon jokes...I've heard them all until I'm just wiped out. Just when you think you've flushed them all out, another one emerges. Yes, it's a pain in the ass, but getting a colonoscopy is a lot less trouble than getting colon cancer. Everybody has something...this is mine. Hope you have a great day!!! Can't wait to hear what color your hair is today! Love you, B

[scottish lass]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Oh my Byrd - just got my happy brithday notice from the Drs - now you are 50 it is your time and you are overdue - so I need to call in to make my appt!! Will think good wishes for you for Friday..

[daisy45]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Hi Scotlass and Byrdie; checking in after my classes. Load of homework but it'll keep to another day...
Tomorrow my daughter is taking a sneaky day off school and her and my other daughter are heading out shopping for her formal dress. It is in November - they really do it large! Up-dos, professional make-up, limos.....we all look forward to it.
Byrdie, I will be thinking of you on Friday........or maybe not????!!!! I can't eat when certain images come into my head!!!!! Joking!!!! You will be just grand.
Scotlass, about that hair.....go on, I dare you....you can always change it back. I am actually enjoying kind of hiding at the minute. People aren't recognising me right off and I am having fun with it....
My hair has always been short and blonde and I have only grown it over the past year or two, so this really is a new look.
Wildflowers, I know your situation isn't great right now; hope you get some good news on your mom...

[Byrdlady]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Daisy, you are knocking them out of the park! Tomorrow is 30 big days! HUGE in our world...I'm so proud of you I could cry!!!! Well done, B

[daisy45]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Thanks Byrdie; so happy to have reached my 30! I feel a bit of relief. I tend to talk more about what I am doing than about the 'not drinking'. I suppose I don't trust myself completely.....I am glad I am aware of that because this time I want to be on my guard.
I have had a few thoughts but this time I am trying really hard to change direction, do something worthwhile and just bear with it until the feeling passes.
I take a lot from our 'wise old owls' here on the boards.....reading how Allan felt the day after his 30 days is a little warning to myself. Guitarista gives great details about where he feels he went wrong after so long AF - doing something you love, continue adding new things to your sober life....
Lav's attitude of gratitude, Mario's very wise reflections, Byrdie's 'no drink, no matter what, no matter who'........
There are people who have been here years and then we have others who have come here after really working it out for themselves; Supercrew and 199 come to mind. Then we have Mary on the AA thread; again, interesting and valuable insights. I find anything these people have to say well worth listening to.(loads more, but too many to mention) As much as we have to ultimately do this ourselves, there is so much to learn from others......all of you, that is....thank you.
So, I feel now I am on the next leg of my journey....going to quieten down again and get on with it. Got 68 days in June, so don't think I will feel anyway safe until I have at the very least got past that again..........
Apart from that, all good here; swim done and dusted today and now for the homework. I am starting to feel like I did at school....putting it off....I have to remember that doing this course is a choice, I am now an adult, I must do my homework, I must do my homework, I must........oh shit!!!!!
Have a good day all!!!!!

[lifechange]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

very well done on getting those 30 days, Daisy!!
i'm still following your thread and am very inspired by your hard work.
it sounds as if you're really getting there with changing the way you think--
like you said a couple of days ago the thoughts are sometimes there but you're developing real coping skills to deal with them. super duper! wishing you a wonderful weekend, Life

[daisy45]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

lifechange, this post from you means so much....I was having a little downer moment, feeling a bit alone with it all!!!! You just never know how much a few words can change how someone is feeling - thank you...
I am really trying; no matter when I have went back and drank over this past 2 years, I always take something from that.......another little piece of knowledge to add to the next time.....some day I'll be where I want to be....just like you lifechange. I read that you were feeling a bit unsure....don't sweat it.
There are people who come here and get it right away, others after a few months, some years, but you know, as long as we are here, there remains hope......don't ever lose that. It is a tough oul road, attempting to shake off the booze and on top of that, having thoughts and feelings that need to be dealt with after years of being buried; having only a few AF days is enough to start that process of facing up to ourselves, our past. It isn't nice, and so many, including me, want to go back and hide away in the bottle again. This is part of the process, and you will learn that you are tougher than you knew.
The thing is, after getting some AF time, seeing a bit of the good stuff, the light at the end of the tunnel, we now question whether we want to stay hidden in that hell-hole bottle any more. It becomes a battle, but it is now a battle with the possibility of you winning. Now before coming here, could you ever have thought you might feel that way?
When the time is right, we will get there. Every slip, every post (no matter who from) is knowledge. Take something from it and use as a building block for the day it is going to stick - because it will....
What a ramble that was.......take care lifechange..

[Byrdlady]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

I'm so proud of you....all of you. Keep up the fight every day. It is worth it! There are ups and downs along the way....but never the intense down that AL brings....never THAT low. We are on a long journey....I'm so glad we have each other. B

[patrice]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Way to go Daisy!!!
a
Patrice

[lifechange]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

that was such a great ramble, Daisy. i've already received so much from your posts over the past year and i continue to learn from them. i don't think i've ever taken seriously enough, given enough thought to, the fact that i've been "hiding in the bottle". it sounds stupid, after so many tries and so much time already spent on this journey, but i think that is exactly what has been happening. i never give myself enough of a chance to endure some pain and uncomfortableness. i have never given myself enough of a chance to see the other side. i look forward to that. i have some real work to do, though. as we all do, i know. thank you for being here!!, Life

[daisy45]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Afternoon, Patrice, Byrdie and Lifechange! ...had a bit of a downer moment yesterday; can't really explain why, but feeling great today. Had a great nights sleep and just done 21k on my exercise bike. I am going out tonight to a country and western themed birthday party. Might go and look for an outfit; didn't know I was going until last night so nothing ready. I am looking forward to getting out, dressing up and meeting people for a bit of craic. Car will be with me; not worried about drinking as 'in-house' was my downfall.
Lifechange, glad to see you have decided to go for it; I keep being surprised at what I am finding out about myself and this world around me; what I have missed out on....but it is never too late.

[scottish lass]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

posted this on another thread, but wanted to share here too as i am feeling so remorseful today.... and terribly guilty....

So, yesterday was a horrible day.
I had adopted a rescue dog in May - he was wonderful, such good company when the girls were with their dad for the week, got me out walking and was so helpful in my journey to become AF. Sadly he had really bad separation anxiety, which was made worse by having a lot of attention when girls were with me for their week (lots of fuss and attention) then only me when the girls were with their dad - and on those weeks I tend to work longer. Tried lots of things, but he was getting worse, and obviously terribly unhappy when he had to be alone, I made the decision to give him up and he is in a foster home until a home with a more stable pattern can be found for him. I cried buckets and was so lonely after dropping him off - last night was horrible, and I felt so terribly guilty. I have to tell the girls what I have done and they will be so sad.

So yes, G - the HALT acronym has often run true for me, and I have managed to identify it and change my course - I did not drink last night, but I so desperately wanted to climb in a bottle. I feel like such a horrible person, I was so happy we had rescued him from the pound and then we let him down, I hope he was not too sad last night.

[daisy45]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Scotlass; a couple of years ago we got a lovely wee pup. Too long to go into, but we had to give it up after only a few weeks. I felt like shit. I prayed hard for a good home where she would get the attention she deserved. Anyway, it worked out and she went to a lovely home, but my children and myself were wrecked with guilt.....
The fact is that you care enough to want to do the right thing.....keep a check with the foster home and find out about the progress and whether he has found a good home yet. That will give you some peace of mind. This is part of life and when you explain clearly to the girls what your reasons are, they will understand.....they probably will feel guilty too, but will be reassured that he is in a better place that suits his needs. I really hope it all works out....you did this for good reason; keep hold of that.
Having a wee dog is a big responsibility; you have so much going on on top of that. Take care of yourself and push out for those walks no matter what....you will feel better, bit by bit....small steps; now I know you are good at that! x

[daisy45]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Hi all; just a wee update on the weekend. I went out on Saturday night and really enjoyed it. I didn't have any worries about drinking beforehand or when I was out. I was just looking forward to being out and meeting old friends for a bit of craic. It was nice to get dressed up and have something to look forward to. The last time I remember feeling like this was on my first quit, 2 years ago. I think that was the quit where I was happiest; in hindsight I probably should have held on tighter to that one. I was more appreciative of how far I had come, probably because of the desperation I had felt previously. I had thought there was no way out for me!
Then, after getting more and more AF time and many slips, the desperate feeling I had first time was never quite as bad, possibly because life was slowly but surely getting better......
I hope I am making sense here; I did go back drinking many times and the only way to stop was by coming here but I never went back to the same place I was in 2010; BUT, this was in a way jeopardising my chances of a proper quit, so I have to really dig deep; I have to remember those bad times, I have to remember and feel and know that I WILL go back there unless I hold tight!
I suppose my bit of advice to anyone who starts out on a really good quit would be to hold on to it with all your might because the resolve can weaken when we kid ourselves that we're not so bad after all - then it is so much harder to get it back....
Anyways, I am still doing ok; my night out left me wanting more of the same and I have to say I didn't feel I was losing out in any way; in fact, I joined in just like everyone else and came home proud and happy.
On the exercise front, I am back to my regular swims and even started a little walking and cycling on my exercise bike, so shaping up. This adds to me feeling good about myself and being able to fit into a nice outfit helps.
My sleeping habits are getting better, although I have to drag my ass to bed because I have always been a night-owl. Lack of sleep was a definite trigger that I knew I needed to work on, so still in progress....
PMT is another major trigger so I have been taking supplements this quit, Multi-vitamin, vitamin B12, vitC and Evening Primrose oil. I don't know yet how much of a difference it is making but will keep at it.
Oh, I must add, brunette me is having fun!!! I get embarrassed easily and with the blonde hair my blushing is so obvious. Not quite so noticeable with the brunette hair.......
Have a good day all!!!!

[Byrdlady]

Reaching for the stars - after a good kick up the ****!!!

Hey Daisy....what a great post. I am so glad that you are finding your way out. Yours are wise words. Going out does take some getting used to, but that person you thought you were with AL is still under there. You actually CAN be social without AL. Well done you! Whichever color your hair is today (except GRAY!) XO, B