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**lifechange** · August 18, 2012, 02:33 AM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

good morning, MICK!!! thanks for the delicious coffee! i've got some gorgeous little plum cakes if anyone would like one. would be great--then i wouldn't have ot eat them all. what a beautiful bird you have on your avatar now! the sun is up and shining here--supposed ot be in the 30's this weekend. i so hope you get a bit of warmth your way, Mick. have a great day!
Sunflower, i'm also not letting that ugly al ruin my weekend! i have my first meeting with my new sponsor this morning at the park. i spent a couple of hours writing out my story and though i do think its helpful, what a huge pain in the ass. if i ever had dreams of being a writer... they've gone to the grave now! i'm super excited to meet her.

Lilly, i think my lack of a definition of rock bottom is one of the things that kept me drinking for so long. i always had my mom to compare myself to so i never seemed to have much of a problem. as i started doing things i remembered her doing-- drinking in the mornings, sneaking and hiding al, lieing to everyone, neglecting my kids, etc, etc--i could see i had a problem. though i never hit rock bottom like she did. if i hadn't had her i would have possibly seen my problem earlier. or perhaps i wouldn't have seen the signs i saw in her when i was a child. i don't know and i don't know if it's important.?? you always bring up such good questions for thought. you keep on hanging in there and doing the work and having a bit of the blind faith!!! have a great weekend.

**lifechange** · August 18, 2012, 02:39 AM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

Hi Lav!! so did you have the day to yourself? or did someone come by and surprise you? i bet little matildas favorite part of the day is when she gets to run around in that wet grass! why don't you go barefoot? i recently had a day where it was pouring rain and i had to take off my nice sandals and run through the rain puddles to get home. it was awesome! the girls may have been a tad embarrased!

hey Shue, do keep us up to date on your vacay if you can. i would love, once again, to live vicariously through you. i've just confirmed a 10 day meditation retreat beginning the 29th of aug. i won't be able to communicate with you all--very sad--but there is of course no chance of drinking there!!! just of starving to death on the one vegan meal a day!:H

hi TDN!! good to see you. hi Cantoo and Sausage!!

i made the decision last night, after lots of contemplating!!, to meet my 3 best friends at a tapas restaurant for the birthday of one of them. in germany its typical to einfeiern--which is basically to get together the evening of the day before the birthday and stay together until midnight to celebrate the beginning of the new day. i knew my girlfriend wanted to have wine on her birthday and i didn't want to ask her not to. i had talked to another about my af decision, aa, etc. and she was so supportive and said everyone would understand if i decided not to go. i didn't want to miss out on the 6 weeks of catch up we had to do so i decided i would go and not drink. i knew for sure i wouldn't and i didn't -- i told them all about my intentions and they were so supportive -- i drank at least 2 big bottles of sparkling water. always have something in the hand, eh?

a wonderful day to you all,
Life

**ThreeDogNight** · August 18, 2012, 05:34 AM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

Good morning, Mick and Life--and all to come today!

Mick, thanks for the coffee and breakfast! I should do without the breakfast, as I have been eating more in the last week. When drinking, I ate very little some days, but I know I'll level out. I see many overweight--some really obese--people in the shop every day, and I don't want to gain weight. It is amazing how many obese people--including kids--there are nowadays. Anyway, drinking is not a good way to lose weight:H
Life, you did well to withstand the birthday bash AF! Not easy. It's great that your friends are so supportive. And sounds like your mother had some real low points, so maybe that is helping keep you AF, too. We can always sink lower than we think, unfortunately.
CanToo--how did that beer thing go? You made it, so good for you! Not sure I could handle pouring wine or liquor--beer never was my thing, although I drank it a few times when that was all I could find. Sad.
Sunflower--not sure I understand the illage idiot thing. Is that just because you still hav e thoughts? That doesn't make you an idiot--just an alcoholic fighting to stay AF. Don't be hard on yourself.
Lilly--missed you yesterday. Everything okay? I know that you are crazy busy, but hope to see you check in today. I need to check out Spiritual River.
Had a nice day yesterday--just errands, lunch and then work later on. Met some nice people and dogs. We are pet friendly, and I keep healthy treats in the store for the dogs. Its' nice to see them get all excited and happy! The "regulars" know where I keep the treats and come right behind the counter to sniff them out

Today, after a walk--probably in the rain--I have my first of six counseling sessions, the result of the Impaired Driver course I completed (for the second time) a couple of weeknds ago. I am actually looking forward to it! The counselor I chose is the older woman who did the intake interviews for the course. The one I saw in the past is not somebody I'd ever go to again. Anyway, it's an hour, and luckily only aboit twenty minutes from home, so Mr TDN will take me and pick me up. Then I'll hang around town for a couple of hours before work. Mr TDN and a friend will go to the chili cook off challenge, right in town, but I don't like chili, so I'll "chill out" by visiting the shops I never have time to visit.
Was thinking of how much money the past 15 months have cost me. Legal fees, court fees, rehab, counseling, etc. And I have to have special insurance for three years once I get my driver's license back--plus an Interlock system in my car for a year. I could live on that amount for a year. But it's okay--just can't repeat any of that.
I hope to see a lot of posts today. Miss Sunni, Greenie, etc. I see Blondie on FB, so think she's just busy. And Pap3 is also so busy.
Okay--will check back later.
As DG always says: "One thing is for sure!"
:lTDN

**Lavande** · August 18, 2012, 06:37 AM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

Good morning Abbers,

Thanks for the coffee Mick, needed it this morning. Ms Matilda was up & at it by 6 am again - geez, no rest for the weary around here!
The garage clean out sounds like a good idea today. How does it get so messy in there anyway?:H

Life, good for you flexing those AF muscles! The more you practice the easier & more natural it gets

I have long been amazed at cutural differences. My brother's wife is Dutch & has been known to fly 'home' just to celebrate a family membr's birthday. Around here we just say Happy Birthday, maybe drop off a gift & then it's over :H

Hello TDN, glad to see yuo bright & early this AM

I have been missing folks here as well but as long as they are happy & on course......
So happy you are back on plan with us

OK, time to refill the never ending coffee cup & find something useful to do until the sunshine arrives. Wishing everyone a fabulous AF Saturday!
Lav

**shueaddict** · August 18, 2012, 07:29 AM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

hello from golf af land,

I slept in both days, so no early Am workout but I made up for it later in biking and golfing.

i tried to post a pic of the beautiful villa view but I cannot make sense of the new photobucket on the ipad. will keep trying.

tonight we are having guests for dinner, they'll bring wine. I stocked the perrier and lime, and a few pre-emptive af beers.

Hubby needs retraining, just like a dog. I told him on 3 occasions that I really want this break to be af and healthy food. He bought me the AF beers but last night he asked me if I want a glass of wine

. I declined. Reminded him about our conversations. he said " you're not doing the AF thing again, are you?" duh, have you seen me drinking lately? I am off it, do not want it, it no longer makes me happy because I keep wanting more ... " oh ! ok then! " he grunted.

I realize that if I forgot some of the bad moments with AL and chose to romanticize in the past, he is probably doing the same. He has not seen me drink since we shared a bottle after the dog biting incident over 2.5 months ago. And many months before that too. In his mind, he probably thinks I am "cured".

Plan for tonight: specifically ask him not to offer me a drink! remind him of the bad times. Lilly, I do not have the heart for all the gory details but there has been plenty of ugly stuff in my drinking past that would scare him sufficiently. Mostly, he needs to be reminded that once started, I cannot find the stop button.

have a great day, fabbies

**Marshy** · August 18, 2012, 07:45 AM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

Kalispera abbers!

Back from Greece, had a fantastic time. Tiny little village that was just a harbour front of tavernas, bars and a couple of shops. We did lots of swimming, reading, sailing. I also started sketching (ink and pastels) which I haven't tried for years. I'm pretty rubbish at it but really enjoyed it.

Back to earth with a thunk this week as GF had to have an operation and is in hospital for a few days. It's a scheduled op, not an emergency but we still seem to be totally unprepared for it! I'm running back and forth between work and hospital - exhausting. She's doing well, bit down yesterday (coming off morphine, I think!) but the docs said it all went well.

Hello to all. Haven't had a chance to read back at all but hope all are well. Mick - great avatar!
Got to run!

**porqoui** · August 18, 2012, 08:47 AM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

Morning everyone. I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm still alive. Kind of whish I wasn't as I can't seem to kick this depression. The al only added all kinds of insecurity feelings. Thanks for the pm's and thought it might be easier to post. It's now day 3 for me and I really missed you guys as I didn't even feel up to reading and want to start again.

**ThreeDogNight** · August 18, 2012, 08:55 AM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

PQ--Day 3!! That's wonderful, even though it may not feel like it right now. Yes, AL adds to the anxiety and depression and makes us feel bad again. Have you thought about getting the Amoryn that Lav recommends? It helps the anxiety. I am trying to take it late afternoon now. Earlier and I seem to feel spacey for quite a while. I tried two a day and that was way too much, but I am just under 110 lbs. I am trying to get my OCD hubby to take it

I know that the bulk of my anxiety was due to AL.
Anyway, just stick with us here and you can do it!!!
Sending big:lto you!

**Doggygirl** · August 18, 2012, 05:09 PM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

PQ!!! So glad to see your post. All we have is today.

Marshy!! I'm so glad to *see* you and am sending healing vibes to XNGF. I'm sorry she is in the hospital but am so happy that the two of you are still rolling right along. Because of course I believe firmly that us fABbies, fueled by a lot of popcorn and voyeurism (sp??) are what got you together. Don't burst my bubble, either. When can we go to Greece with you???

Mick - thanks for the start. I totally :h my :coffee:. That is all.

My favorite saying about the bottom: You know you are there when you decide to stop digging the hole.

I changed my friends quite a bit during my drinking career. It was slow enough that I didn't realize what I was doing. But as my own drinking got progressively worse, I certainly didn't want to hang out with anyone who actually COULD drink 'just one.' I kept surrounding myself with people just a little worse off than me. Talk about a way to fool oneself!

Another topic from a day or two ago - "functional." Even the guy under the bridge was a "functional alcoholic" at some point. Alcohol dependence isn't static for most of us. It's just always getting a little worse until we stop or it kills us.

In terms of official psychiatric diagnosis, today (in the US) there are really only two diagnosis for "alcoholism" (which isn't the medical term). There is alcohol abuse (less serious) and alcohol dependence. There are specific criteria that have to be met to make either diagnosis. This is all outlined in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manaual)

The DSM-V is due out in 2013. What I'm hearing is that there will no longer be the "this, that, or nothing" diagnostic criteria for alcohol problems. I guess it will be more of a continuum, which would seem to make more sense - especially for effective treatment design. It will be interesting to see what actually comes forth.

School starts this week - first class is Wednesday for me! I'm really ready to get back at it.

Canned 7 quarts of tomatoes today, and froze the extra. I have a long way to go to end up with a years worth of one jar a week in the basement! How did I ever do this drunk! Oh, that's right. I didn't. :H

HELLO TO ALL FABBIES here and not checked in.

One thing is for sure....

DG

**LillyE** · August 18, 2012, 11:53 PM

af day Saturday 18 Aug

Hi all,

Day 49 here today - 7 weeks, wow! Tomorrow is Day 50 - YAY! Mick we are on our WAY to 60 we truly are. What are you going to do to celebrate? I think I will plan some special reward.

Awh, thanks 3Dog for noticing I wasn't around yesterday and making sure all was ok. Often on the weekend I try and give myself a computer break so I tend to post less although I do read along on the iPad when I can. Sunday arvo here and it's lovely outside but I have work to do once I finish this. I liked this article from Spiritual River today…

Why Complete Honesty is Critical for Successful Addiction Treatment

Life, that is great re the dinner! Isn't it good to know you can do those things and still have fun? I think it gets easier too. And wonderful that your friends were supportive - those are true friends. (See later in this post.) I also find I drink sooo much sparkling water in those situations.

Porquoi, hello and hugs to you. And, yes, the anxiety and depression DOES abate with time AF. Although seeing your GP and seeing if meds could help could be an idea if you haven't already? Keep going and you will feel better - we promise. I too struggle with anxiety and depression and when I am drinking it is sooo much worse. But it takes time to start to feel better. At least a week if not more I find. Please hang in there.

Marshy, hello! Sorry to hear about the GF's op but Greece sounds like it was divine.

Doggy, that is a great quote about rock bottom being when we decide to stop digging the hole - that one will stay with me. Also interesting re the DSM-IV. (I got a psych degree before becoming a journalist so always particularly interested in such things.) Really appreciate the thoughts you guys have shared here re that topic. It's a complex one for sure. The idea of things getting *worse* scares the hell out of me as I was starting to see more clearly the progression, which I think had really accelerated in the last year or so. I don't need to go down further to know I want to keep getting better.

Shue, I'm glad you're going well so far but that's a shame hubby isn't being more supportive. Perhaps you're right and as a non-addict he just thinks it's all fine again now. But that "you're not doing the AF thing again comment"… suggests he really doesn't realize the scope of the problem. But if you're not happy to have that conversation with him, that's fine, just be sure to keep being firm that you are totally determined to be AF and keep posting here to help keep yourself accountable.

So, yesterday I had the lunch by the beach with the friend I knew would want wine. She was sooo insistent another friend come, which honestly I think was really about wanting to make sure she had a drinking buddy there. (The three of us used to always have dinner and drinks together. Both drink a lot. One I'm not sure just how much; the other is clearly, to me, an alcoholic in denial.) So over lunch they got in a few digs about my not drinking, from a bit of eye rolling "Oh are you STILL not drinking" to a comment about me being 'boring' lately and also how I'll "Have" to drink if we go out to XX. (Um, why?) I know it's their issue, not mine, but it was hurtful.

Afterwards, I went to another friend's house for dinner and talked to him about it. He said, "Well, I think you're FAR more interesting when you're not drinking and maybe XX isn't really that good a friend after all, as when you drink too much it's really not good for you."

And it's true, I'm so happy that 95% of my friends have been awesome and supportive and the rest, well…

Later, I got mad about it and thought, you know what, screw you guys! Seriously. Quitting drinking is probably one of the hardest but sanest, best, healthiest things I've done for myself in a very long time and I don't need to be around anyone who will make me feel bad about that. My real friends will and do support me, without making me feel uncomfortable or bad, so they can just get fucked! (To put it bluntly - sorry guys.)

Ironically, the one who called me boring had a horrendous hangover from drinking two bottles of wine the night before. Hmm…

I went to an awesome writing workshop this morning early on a Sunday, then I walked in the park on a sunny day. I felt so happy and joyous and glad to be AF and hangoverless. Not boring at all

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