Shoretend Friday af !!!

[Mick]

dont believe it..just finished the new post and lost the bloody thing!!!! aarrghhhh..Good morning to you all..have to rush now ..off to the birds of prey.Thanks for starting yesterday Shue.Big hi to all the boozebusters!!!
One seriously incompetent computer operator!!!
Mick

[LillyE]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Hi all,

My apologies in advance for the long and utterly self absorbed post that follows and the fact I haven't been around for anyone else in a week but I'm really struggling and could use some support. Whether it comes in the form of tough love bitch-slapping some sense into me or gentle empathy I don't care - I'll take whatever anyone has to throw at me.

I said I haven't been posting because I've been busy. That's true. Right now it almost hurts to type as been on the computer 12+ hours but I think I really need to write this before I call it a day. Because there's another reason I haven't been posting the last 3 days and you can all guess what's coming. And I really hope it doesn't upset anyone my posting this here. If it does I will be ok with posting elsewhere but I've come to know and rely on you all so I'd really value your input and support.

On Tuesday night, day 80, I drank. Not a lot but still, it's thrown me into a tailspin. I'm not going to make excuses or flagellate myself; I just want to explain what happened and where I'm at now and ask for help.

Story short: I had a first date - the first in a long time. I wasn't planning to drink or even concerned about it. For the first half I didn't though my date had a beer at this thing we went to. Then, we were at dinner and he ordered sake (Japanese place). I said I wouldn't have any - he was cool with that, no problem. The waitress poured us both some. I had a 'fuck it' moment and drank it. Not very much overall - we had one of those small jar things between us - much less than I normally would have had if I were drinking. (Though, my, did I still find myself so very focused on it once I'd had so much as a sip.)

It wasn't even enough to catch a buzz really - probably fortunately - but enough to seriously mess with my head and I was amazed at how physically shitty I felt the next day. I also was thrown into this total tailspin later about restarting days and failing and this bargaining session about telling myself that now I'd drank I might as well just drink over the rest of the week and then start over and on and on… you can imagine… what I can recognize as bullshit addict brain chatter but it's god damn powerful isn't it?

Wednesday I took a step back. Did a bunch of reading and journalling. Told myself that was all crazy and I couldn't undo all my great progress over it. That if I fell into a binge tailspin then I'd REALLY feel horrible and who knows if/when I'd really get back on track. The last few days, despite a very heavy work load, I've been very careful to take good care of myself and do some reflecting. I decided I really didn't want to reset my days, for one, as that would really demoralize me (and you can tell me if you think I'm fooling myself here). I said I had a fuck it moment, and I did, but clearly there was more going on than that leading up to it… I'd been down and anxious and overworked. I'd not been posting here as much - therefore moving away from my support network. I'd been feeling for awhile that some complacency had set in. A first date is an emotional trigger that I probably should have avoided right now. So, I have learnt some lessons from this 'slip' I think.

But here's what scares me… tonight, Friday night, usually my worst witching hour, though it hasn't been for some weeks now, I have been beset by cravings and circling thoughts about going out and buying a bottle of wine. I had to go to an event last night -- and yes, I really had to or I would have avoided it -- but I stuck to soda water. (In fact, I made a very careful game plan involving meeting a supportive friend for a big, healthy dinner first - avoiding other drinking buddies for dinner - and making sure not to be there during the free drinks media hour part.) Which makes me realize it's that escaping into my own head - or out of it? - isolation drinking I'm really craving. Itself a hallmark of addiction, right?

Anyway, so, I'm trying to hang tough. I was going to go buy ice cream but I'm afraid it's too close to the bottle store. I'm going to go eat dinner shortly and hopefully that'll help. And there's a bag of peanut M&Ms I bought last night - specifically because I feared tonight might be like this - with my name on it.

I'm not going to say I'm sorry for letting you guys down - though I do feel a bit that way - because that seems a bit stupid and pointless. It's myself I've let down but I am trying to get back on track.

Sad-faced Lilly

[ronnie]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Evening all
Lilly thankyou sooo much for posting, i totally understand where your coming from on the Friday cravings, and also on the well i blew it so i might as well carry on and start again tomorrow, ive been there & done it myself many times but tomorrow never comes! You have done the right thing in coming here and jumping straight back up and you will feel better about the situation in no time, as you said you have learnt alot from this. And if it helps i have also learnt alot from your post.
Now what i really want to know is.... Are you going to see this fella again, should i be looking for a new hat for the wedding:H
Lots of hugs comming your way :lCanTo thanks for the link honey, just what i needed xx
Hope you are all having a great day xx

[porqoui]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Good Morning Mick I feel your pain! I think there's a "Posting for Dummies" book out there, I'll have a look around.:H

Lilly So glad you posted...

I also was thrown into this total tailspin later about restarting days and failing and this bargaining session about telling myself that now I'd drank I might as well just drink over the rest of the week and then start over and on and on? you can imagine? what I can recognize as bullshit addict brain chatter but it's god damn powerful isn't it?

Yes, it is very powerful and look at you, recognizing it for what it is and not giving into it. :goodjob:

When I had my slip on day 47 I felt like everything I had accomplished so far was for nothing. I don't know how many of my MWO/AA friends said NOT TRUE! One slip does not negate all the hard work that came before. I have often hear people say "I'm 100 Days AF with 2 slips." and that sits well with me. It's an honest look at where they are.

You're here and you're going to be ok, because we won't have it any other way!!! Stay strong and stay close.

I'm feeling a lot less stressed and frustrated over the things that are happening in my life right now. I've found when something/someone sets me off I get on the net and vent it out in an email to my brother, who I tell anything to, and it's gone. Even if I don't hear back from him for awhile that immediate "Fuck It" moment passes. Lilly feel free to PM "F It" rants any time.

Morning Molly and all to come...Have a great AF Friday. PPQ

[YoungAtHeart]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Good morning everyone.

Mick, despite the lost post and resulting frustration, I hope you are otherwise doing well.

No need to wander away from us, Lilly. I find it very helpful to hear your experience, and I wouldn't want you to be posting about this anywhere else. I am glad that your slip was a slip and didn't turn into a relapse. I also understand about those "fuck it" moments and the urge to continue drinking once you've said it. I've certainly been there many times. I don't want to downplay your slip; it IS important, but I also hear that you have been doing the right things since then and taking care of yourself to avoid a recurrence. So hang in there and keep the faith! As for going back to Day 1, I don't really know what is best. Anyway, sending hugs and good vibes to help you stay back on track.

Hi to molly, ronnie and porquoi! You are all so supportive. I hope I don't slip or relapse, but it is wonderful to know that people like you will be there to help me up should I stumble.

So glad it is Friday. It's been a loooonnnnggg week!

A big hi to all who come later today!

Hugs,
:l
YahYah

[kuya]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Evening all,

Molly nice to see you.... I usually stalk your talk on other threads cos you are so funny.

PPQ..... Must PM you, missed you last night

Ronnie ....... Fridays here ..another week of the witches of east wick nearly over

Slippery Mick......you are making a bad habit of this computer bungling, keep taking those memory pills :H

Lilly ..... You took a glug of grog and managed not to do what I would have done, fallen back into the bottle for days/weeks/months probably. You learned things from this
1. You have gained enormous strength from your AF time.
2. One drink makes you want more and puts you in a battle, which is exhausting.
3. As Sunflower said to me, you beat yourself up too much, FRIENDS here should NEVER do that!
4. Taking time to come here is vital in the early days especially.

Add a fifth my friend........ Tell people, new dates especially, that you DON'T drink alcohol. I can't begin to tell you how much easier this makes it to abstain. You told him you wouldn't have any sake, not that you didn't drink alcohol. You left a door slightly ajar.

Also you didn't even get a buzz but it made you ill, definitely a bummer!

Now get back on that horse and be damned proud of yourself! Have a chilled weekend, go get a massage and chalk it up to the 'feck it book'.

Evening all to the hindenders, have a good AF day.

KY, the nosy

Hi YAH ...... Cross post

[caysea]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Hi All
Lilly I know you are going to make it!! You haven't let anyone down. You have actually helped others by exploring what caused your relapse and talking about it here. Big difference then talking about the aspect of a planed drinking outing. I do know that every time I relapsed in the past i was lost for over a year. I didn't have the support we have here or the knowledge. You have both and the determination. Many times people relapse because they find them selves in a situation that has al placed before them before they realize-- toasting etc. We think oh what the hell just a toast. It is a very powerful experience on our mind when we open the door even to the one drink.


Stay Healthy and Keep Fighting
AF 5-16-08

[Lavande]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Morning Abbers,

I checked in earlier but didn't have much to say (for a change).

The one thing I finally figured out was this -
It takes a long, long time to shut off the monkey mind! I doubt we ever totally silence it but learning to ignore it, switch the 'stations in your head' sort of thing is what we must do if we want to protect our sobriety.
When the monkey mind starts up just stop what you are doing & go do something completely different = DISTRACTION. It works if you do the work
Log on to MWO, start thinking in terms of gratitude instead of deprivation, it works!
Most of all, just stop repeating the same old behavior that got you here in the first place. That behavior didn't work for you in the past - it's not going to work for you now.

Peace & AF'ness to all today!
Lav

[Kaslo]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Hi all. Thanks for starting us Mick. Even if you only say goodmorning its good to see you.

Lilly,i honestly think you have done your best to understand whats happened. You said something that really caught my eye. You noticed that you really focused on the AL once you had that first drink.... That is what makes us different. I also dont agree with the concept of having to go back to square one. Thats an AA concept (pls correct me if im wrong) that is so harmful to the recovering drinker. Of course its not square one, day one...there is a huge physical, spiritual, emotional difference between a slip after 80 days and the constant consumption of al over years. I really wish that back to zero thing could be forgotten. You have made tremendous progress, had an important learning experience.. Your description of the pain and difficulty you have gone through since your slip is searing. Dont beat yourself up too much. And Lavs advice is good ofcourse.

I gotta run, everyone have a good day. Love to all. Kas

[Mick]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Hi all..just thought I would put a quick post on, especially after this mornings performance on my part!!!Just wanted to say a big hi to Lilly...bend over..time to kick your:bum: thats that done..now :l...Kas is right you know..there is a difference between having a drink and realising that you have messed up, and going back to how you were previously drinking before goin on Mwo..so get back on the bus and be a boozebuster!!!..as for the days...that is just a tally..it is about taking control of your life and being the master not the slave..so get your head up and lets move on.
Big hello to everyone else..yep ppq def need that manuaL !!!!!!!
KY.....what tablets..Ive forgotten !!!

right see you all in the morning bright n early

Lil..you know where I am......

Mick

[LillyE]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Awh, I love you guys. Your posts made me cry. Obviously I'm still a bit emotionally fragile but I really thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Mick, Molly, Kas, Lav, Porquoi, KY, Ronnie, YahYah, Caysea, you each said different things ALL of which were helpful and made me think about some aspect of this or just made me feel better. So thank you: For the advice, bottom slapping (thanks Mick :H) and just general empathy. Some really good points made and I'm glad if anyone else has learnt anything from my experience (thanks for saying that Ronnie, Caysea and YahYah, that helps).

Molly, I'd actually been wondering where you were so I'm glad my dilemma drew you out of the woodwork and thank you so much for being the first to jump in and offer support. Your own posts about your process in getting AF have really helped me over time too and are a reminder that slips/relapses don't have to mean you can't ever get happily AF.

I am really happy that I made it through last night AF because as much as I was craving that wine last night - and I really, really was - I would have felt so much worse today if I'd had it. I discovered that a glass of soda, lime juice, splash of cranberry and a strawberry makes a lovely substitute that looks very much like rose (will remember that if I ever need to not draw attention to the fact I'm not drinking), and I ate peanut M&Ms until I felt a bit sick (not normal for me but screw it - better than boozing if that's the alternative), read MWO on my iPad and went to bed early.

As a result, I was up at 7am today ready to face the world and get more work done. (It's never ending at the moment.)

So, to sum up, what I've learnt here is:

* I need to keep up with MWO even when I'm busy - the support is vital
* Anxiety and depression are a trigger - so I need to keep doing the work I have been doing to address those things
* Complacency is a very dangerous thing. This, I already knew. I'd been saying for awhile now that I sensed mine growing and it was worrying me. But I obviously stopped doing enough to keep it at bay once I got so busy with work.
* I wonder if I have actually become allergic to alcohol? I was really amazed how crappy I felt the next day from so little. I could't breathe through one side of my nose - I've had that before but always thought it was an excess of wine not just from any alcohol. I felt so stuffy, hungover, my stomach was really upset - astonishing really, given for the old me that amount was seriously nothing.

I am also glad I kept a journal during that year of trying to get to 30 Days. Looking back I can see that often after a short break my first night back would be a relatively small amount but then I would quickly spiral into a binge. I've seen it said here that the worst thing that can happen after a slip is? nothing. I can see that. The fact that I didn't go totally out of control is almost dangerous as it could tell my booze brain I can now have one or two and leave it at that. But I know that is not true. I know I could have easily ended up drinking the next night and the one after and the one after that until I really was back at square one feeling miserable. I thank all I've learnt the last year that I have been able to arrest it - at least I really hope I have! It's too soon to get cocky.

The longest I went before this 80 days was 24 days. From rereading my journal I know that that time it took me NINE MONTHS to get back to even that long! I do not want that.

Kas and Mick, I agree re the counting because if I really felt that I had to go back to Day One I know there's a huge chance, huge, that I would use it as an excuse to go on a bender for a bit. So I've made a pact with myself. If I drink anything else at all, even a sip, I have to go back to Day One. But if I don't I will consider this a small blip on the journey that I'm learning from.

Likewise, Porquoi, thank you for your thoughts on this and what you said was great to hear. And people were right to tell you that after 47 days too because it's sooo disheartening and in fact dangerous to think that all that work was for nothing. Because look how far you've come! I can clearly remember your miserable initial (and post slip) posts and you sound so much happier and healthier these days that really - thank god - you got back on the wagon or where would you be now? And thanks for the PM offers too. I might take you up on that

I know I'm going to have to be extra careful the next week or two. I am putting in place safeguards and rewards for getting through the weekend etc. Kuya, a massage is a great idea! You're also totally right re that I should have just told the date I didn't drink, period. I didn't really want to open that door of conversation on a first date but it would have been safer.

I also don't know if dating is a good idea right now. I can see why AA tells you to stay away from it. I'm not blaming the date at all - I could totally have just not drunk the damn sake - but the heightened emotions and nerves didn't help and I need to focus on me right now.

Having said that, Ronnie, I don't know re the fella! I don't understand dating rules these days. I'd gone on my old internet dating account actually to deactivate it, but this guy who had 'kissed' me caught my eye and he then emailed me. At the end of the date he said he'd call. By the time I got home he'd texted to say he had a lovely time. But now it's Saturday and nothing. Oh well. I would like to see him again but I can't get caught up in feeling bad about it if he never calls - clearly I've got bigger fish to fry.

You are all wonderful - thank you.

Lilly xxo

p.s. And sorry for my novella-length posts! Thanks for bearing with me!

[porqoui]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Lilly....:upset:.....Way to make me cry.............YOUR ARE MY HERO ..............PPQ

[TheSunFlower]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Checking in late as usual.

Lilly....I don't think it was the alcohol that made you feel so bad. I think it was emotions tied to it. All humans have what is called fascia (it think...google it) that covers all of our muscles and organs. When we have negative emotions they get stored there. All over our body! I think with your AF days they are getting released. But, the negative emotions are certainly the cause of you "desire to drink". I only mention this....as once I can detect what is really going on....I can stop it.

When I would relapse...and desire a drink.....I was so sure.....alcohol had put some seed into me. Once I realized it was my mind going on overtime....I could stop it. I could do the things to get it released from my system....without M&M's....but, they are great if eaten with a healthy perspective.

Don't think your "fuck it" perspective is abnormal. My gym coach just mentioned to me....How Monday is the worst day at the gym....by Friday its empty....to have them back on Monday....as "this is my week to start over". Its normal.

If you had that drink....and then sucked down two bottles of wine.....which you did not....would explain the "First Drink" thing. You did not....you felt like crap because your emotions were so out of whack. They penetrate every cell of your body.....so be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.

I have refused to go back to day 1. It so self deflating. I watched a friend of mine who was sober 10+ years....relapse. Then she kept drinking. Went to rehabs....and nearly killed herself.....because AA would not recognize the 10 years she had. It all sounds so silly.....but, our minds are powerful.

I have drank since July 13th....But, that was the day I decided to make some serious changes. I know I am past 30 days....but, I lost count of the actual days. I reflect on the progress made since that day. I have not lost anything on the days I drank....I did gain a nice hangover though....with built in remorse.

I am so head strong on this subject....because I have seen way too many people (myself included) go f-it....and continue to drink because I had lost all the progress made. I have watched people nearly kill themselves over it.... This is not worth dying over and too many do.

Every single day sober is a success. If you fall...its a learning experience. I do not need a sobriety date or a badge of sobriety honor. I think when we clap for someone getting 30 days....is great. Then when they fall....it makes it so hard on them. Its a double edged sword of sorts.

The stats say that most of us will drink again. So every sober day I get is cherished....for 1 day only. I always joked if you took all my day 1's.....I have been sober for years. Now every single day is day 1.

[LillyE]

Shoretend Friday af !!!

Porquoi ...!!!! .... Awwwh ... :l:h