Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

[retteacher]

Everyone:

I read the last few entries to last week's thread. I liked: "What would love do in this situation." I too can be very judgemental & opinionated. I have to challenge that all the time. Also, I too am just beginning, after 3 years in AA, to explore the more spiritual aspects of the program. Yesterday, I took some time to meditate & am happy I did. I try not to judge my meditations & just go w/the flow.

No, I can't change my past, but I can change my future. Sometimes the best amends of all are the "living amends." Changing what I do is a powerful expression to the people around me that I am moving forward in my life.

I too kept my blood alcohol level to the point where any discomfort was numbed out. I was pretty good at not going too far out there & getting dead drunk...though sometimes I did. That's why it came as a surprise to some people when I came out as an alcoholic. What an effort it took to find the right level between drunkenness & numbness. I absolutely don't want to go there again.

mary

[GinaCA]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

I am in between meetings at the moment. I just drove home from my nurse support group, and am now waiting to go to my 8 pm book study.

The topic tonight was "how do you get yourself back into gratitude when you find yourself slipping out of it". So, of course, pretty much everyone gave the same type of response, which is all good, such as "I think of the what-if's, I remind myself of my gratitude for my family, job, not homeless, have food, kids, etc, etc...

On the way home I felt kinda eh. I think there is more to gratitude than just thinking about it. I think I really need to show it in action to get myself back into the mode. Do I do that on a regular basis? I'd like to think so, but in reality, not always!! There are a lot of little ways I could be better at showing my gratitude with my kids...trying to make healthier meals regularly, sitting with my son and helping him with his homework (more willingly and not rushing it!). There are many ways I could improve on this with my husband and others when I think about it.

Maybe that's how Step 10 will work...I'm only on Step 9. Always thinking ahead!

Speaking of dinner, I better go pour a bowl of Life cereal....Work in Progress...lol!

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

Gina: There is more to gratitude than saying "I'm grateful for..." AA is a program of action, not only thinking. I find that when I change an action in some way, a deeper change takes place. It's so hard not to take our loved ones for granted. Mary

[Warnie]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

retteacher;1382179 wrote:

Yesterday, I took some time to meditate & am happy I did. I try not to judge my meditations & just go w/the flow.

thats the shot love. good onya.

warnie

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

Warnie: Are you an AAer? It's great to see someone new here. Please don't hesitate to share.

Regarding meditation: I was very resistant when my sponsor suggested it: too much to do, too fidgety, can't clear my mind, etc. I'm finding that I might get a moment of clarity in a whole 10 - 15 min. meditation. That moment is so valuable. So, I'm sticking w/it. M

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

Finally...made it back to my home group today. They meet mid-day....and since I work its not always available to me. I like this group the most...I heard so much great stuff. They all knew I had been gone for a bit due to work....I keep close tabs with them. Its nice to know that you are missed and its nice to know that they all seem to survive without you. We all stay sober together!

Meditation...I have been working on for years. Now, I slip into it easily....just takes time.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

SF: I need the encouragement regarding meditation. Thank you. I really miss my home groups when I can't make them for some reason. I also like that the familiar people are still there & active. Mary

[GinaCA]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

Just reflecting upon the gratitude I feel for the FREEDOM that I have with sobriety. I am no longer looking over my shoulder all the time, wondering "who knows?"...not worrying about driving and getting pulled over (in an odd way, I look forward to that in sobriety!...maybe), and actually looked forward to my random drug/alcohol drug screen this morning that can detect 5 days of drinking, and much longer drugs, etc... The only thing that is irritating is that they must see the actual urine leave my body and enter the cup. Maybe TMI, but it isn't very easy for a woman to stand and urinate, nevermind the indignity.

I am finding I am more willing to be of service and to actually be happy about it. I am loving helping out at a large facility, close to my house, for unaccompanied teen girls who are there for a variety of reasons...no one can care for them or just don't want to. Some of their parents are in jail, some of the girls are just out of juvie, several are pregnant. We go in and plan a fun activity for them ( a snack or cooking deal, and a game...spoons is their favorite!). I LOVE this and feel so honored and lucky to have volunteered at this place. It makes me sad to look at their sweet faces and to only imagine what's in store for many of them. And somehow, God willing, I will serve as room mom for the very first time for my son's 6th grade class. I think I was nominated in desperation...all the others who have served are burned out. I hope I can do a good job! All these things I never would have done without being in AA, and learning how important service to others is a huge part of our recovery. I have many AA commitments I uphold, but going beyond that is something new, inspiring, and fulfilling.

Mary, if you would ever like to discuss a certain reading on a regular basis, I would love to do so! It may keep me more disciplined in daily reading and application to living.

I may have the opportunity to attend the Southern CA AA Convention in San Diego this weekend. I was invited by people I know, but have 2 commitments that I will need to make sure are covered at the mtgs I attend on the weekend. It sounds like so much fun!!

Hope everyone is doing well today!

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

Change

My last meeting got me thinking about this. I have watched people change, without really seeing the changes within myself. As I thought about this....I realized that:

Due to someone in my office making a minor mistake, I had a client screaming her head off at me and canceling her order. In the past I would have gotten upset with my co-worker. We are all human. And I let the whole event roll off my shoulders quite quickly.

Then I had an acquaintance of mine slew some pretty nasty remarks at me. In the past I would have taken them personally. Instead I realized it was more of a reflection of her and her unhappiness....and let it slide off of me.

I think its a combination of things....stopping drinking (although there have been a few slips), going to meetings as these things get talked about alot, working out and eating healthy. And gaining so many new healthy friends. I used to not let people get very close to me....now one of my closest friends is someone I met at a yoga class 2 months ago.

Mary....the meditation takes time. I think I started with 3 minutes...and they were the longest 3 minutes of my life! Then it got easier and longer. Now if something is on my mind.....(I tend to over-think things)....I will meditate just to give my brain a rest. I can think better after a little break.

I had the best day yesterday....filled with spending quality time with my kids and making more new friends.

More than anything....I am just grateful for the changes in my life. They seem to come in small increments....until you look back and see how huge and meaningful they are.

[jenniech]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

mary: have you tried walking meditation? I get much more out of it and I am able to concentrate better when I am moving.....also, I like to meditate when I swim laps in the pool .... that is even better than walking because there are no distractions....but I don't do that as much because I hate smelling like chlorine all day

I went to my first celebration meeting last night....wow, moving stories. That is a great meeting to go to when you just don't feel like going and sharing. Just sitting and listening to these wonderful people tell how they got sober and what they are grateful for is so inspiring!!!

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

SF & Jenn: Thanks so much for the encouragement about meditation. I walk my dog at quiet times & use that time to clear my mind. I find that the more I meditate in its various forms, the more "present" I am. I am just so much more "there," because my head isn't swarming w/thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

Getting & staying sober is the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Mary

[GinaCA]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

Hi Mary and those to follow and hopefully continue on,

I've found much reward in reading about our commonality in working a program as suggested and the personal growth I've seen in previous weeks posts in this section of MWO. It has always felt like a healthy adjunct to working a solid program without distraction from many who are trying different methods or are unwilling to commit to a what I believe is an amazing program of developing a much needed path to a happy, calm and fulfilling life. I believe the drinking is only a minute symptom of a much deeper spiritual defect which, from discussing in meetings, esp BB and 12x12 meetings, how it is emphasized by those in the program who have surrendered fully to the program...who got over the "compliance" state of mind vs the "surrender", compliance can usually only sustain sobriety for a short length of time (in my trial and error and observations). If I find myself slipping into compliance mode, I now have many tools to fall back on which have been successful in putting me back in a state of mind of peace and quiet and removes the veil between myself and my HP. That is where I truly feel blessed for the program and find the restlessness, irritability, slip away in a much shorter time than the past. I remind myself how I opened up my mind to releasing the character defects that block me from the connection with my HP and pray for the willingness to be willing to do this, which is not always an easy task! But, I find that just praying for willingness, in itself, is not as effective as the above action...praying for the willingness to be willing to let go out resentments, shame and guilt that keep us drinking. I recognized this after doing Steps 4-7. I believe my HP understands that request and it makes me realize in time, more and more defects will be revealed and released through daily conscious contact. It gives me much comfort that I don't have to be 100% willing, but praying for the willingness to be willing helps lift the veil and feel closer to my HP.

I've learned to give pause to what I say and do before I respond to a situation in pretty much most cases. Sometimes, my first instinct slips to old thinking because restraint of tongue isn't always easy!! I recently had to release two toxic people from my life...people who were very sick spiritually and mentally and who interfered with my feelings I have developed in the program. One situation I handled very well...a drinker who continues to ask me to bars and would hassle me about not drinking. I was honest with her and asked her to call me if she ever wanted to meet for lunch or an outside activity not centered around drinking.That is not taken well by a person who feels better about herself if someone is actively drinking and wants to feel ok about it by drinking with another on the same par. Another situation was just over the top toxic...a person who is truly incapable of being honest with those in her life, myself, and most importantly herself. I would over and over receive drunk calls and try to understand what she was slurring, and finally put an end to that, refusing to take her calls in the evening and requested calls only during the day when she truly felt a need for help, not just drunk and feeling self pity without taking action. She passively agrssively would point out my flaws and esp when it came to my drinking habits compared to hers. She would make hurtful remarks how she would NEVER drink during the afternoon as I did. No, she would drink all hours of the night til she passed out or whatever. I used a breathalyzer to maintain less than a .08% during the day, but that didn't always work when on the rare occasions I would take off during the evening as resulted in my DUI. Drinking comes in all forms and doesn't really make one sicker than the other. I set limits with her, as I have learned through Alanon, which resulted in texts telling me I am not a true friend for straining to hear and put up with the BS of a person, who for a number of years, still wants to believe she is not a true alcoholic which is pretty scary. It takes what it takes for each and every person, but I have learned through the program is to not put up with it and release those toxic distractions. It does no good for my serenity to sit by and coddle them while they whine and complain about AA, denial about the proof of the progressiveness and that it truly is an illness. I, unfortunately, let myself slip back into a place where I lashed out in complete frustration and ended the friendship rather abruptly and with some frank, but honest opinions I should have refrained from, but I felt pushed over the edge with spite for putting up with it for way too long, and lashed out. I was honest in my take of the situation, esp as I have seen her resent those who have grown in sobriety and is suspicious of them. Sometimes it takes brutal honesty and that is what I resorted to. Hopefully in time, I will handle deep resentments with more grace. Progress not perfection! I discussed the matter with my sponsor with 24 years sobriety, and she agreed with me and shared she has gotten to that point, where frank honesty is the only thing left to do with some to ensure they are no longer in her life. Not saying I couldn't have handled it a little better, but letting me know there is no need to make an amends to someone I don't want anything to do with in my life ever again. That helped me forgive myself and focus on the many healthy people in my life who have been wronged in my life, and now I have grown to take full responsibility and show them through the Steps I am taking action to correct my behavior and hopefully never repeat them. I had said sorry over and over in the past, to only repeat the actions, and I feel different about the sincerity this time beyond what I ever could have imagined. As my sponsor explained, there is a huge difference between an apology and an amends, which totally makes sense now. I felt it after making my amends to those in my immediate family and makes me very aware of not wanting to repeat the hurt and pain.

Sorry for the rambling....again! Just love the gifts in the program that have truly changed my life and not want to return to that sick state and the necessity to numb those shameful feelings and defects I am slowly freeing my life of.

Other than that, all is pretty well! Meditations have been going better this week, esp after my experience last week in church. I actually enjoy and look forward to the service commitments I have added to my life. I love helping out with the teen girls at the center where they live due to many life altering experiences. I look at all their beautiful faces and pray are able to overcome what they have been through, though in reality many will struggle. Mtg commitments are always a blast and have really helped me develop healthy and sincere friendships with people who are working a good program.

It blows me away when women come up to me and ask for my number and for help with the steps...it is such an honor. Many with time in the program say I am ready to start sponsoring women which scares me a little, but is something that will keep me sober and continually fulfilled. I never imagined myself as someone who could share the gifts of the program, but look forward to it now.

I agree, Mary, getting and staying sober is the best thing I've ever done for myself. Joy is returning, and fear of the future is handled much better in staying in the day at a time frame of mind.

Thanks, once again, for tolerating my ramblings! Enjoy your Thursday!

[GinaCA]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

Oh, just a thought on the other methods used here. In no way do I look down on them at all. Many have achieved long term sobriety which I am amazed and in awe of. I was never able to do that beyond 6 months without AA. I was actually AF 9/12 months last year, but something would always take me out. I truly had the spiritual malady as much as I was in denial of it. I had tried so many religions, etc, but just felt like an outsider. I love how Bill W described AA in someways a Kindergarten for spirituality. I remember my first sponsor many years ago telling me to read the Chapter to the Agnostics and feeling really hurt by that. I had just converted to Catholicism, was in a bible study and went to church. She said "would God want you drinking this way?". After a number of years, I understand what she truly meant.

That's all!

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

Gina:

When I first got into program, I was told I would have to change EVERYTHING including friends. I have made many wonderful friends in AA, but I have retained my friendships w/the normal drinker friends I socialized with all my adult life. I was a closet drinker & the only alcoholic in our long-term circle of friendships. I have told all of them that I no longer drink, & they make every effort to have some wonderful non-alcoholic beverages available when we get together. I appreciate that very much. I do have a few toxic people in my life...a sister-in-law is one of them. I try to see her as little as possible but am on speaking terms w/her. I don't feel I have to be around people who make me feel uncomfortable.

As far as AA being the ONLY way to get sober: no, I feel that people have their own paths to sobriety. My brother got sober all by himself...just because he wanted to. My son has been sober for 4 years & doesn't attend AA meetings. I couldn't do it. I tried & tried. I didn't know much about AA before I went. When I did start going (after hitting bottom), I didn't really think I belonged. But, little by little, the philosophy started to sink in, & I did commit myself to it. I know from long experience that I could not stay sober wo/AA.

Thanks for your sharing, Gina, I read the whole thing.

You sound great!

Mary

[TheSunFlower]

Weekly AA Thread: Sept. 24 - Oct. 1

All great posts. WL....I could not agree more about releasing toxic people from your life. The acquaintance I was speaking of prior....got nasty with me because I said "I took full repsonsibity for my actions.....it wasn't the beers fault". She got rather ugly....seeing her true colors once again was enough for me. I was not that close to that person for it to really matter anyways. Just an observation, that when someone acts that way it is more of a reflection of them than me. And what that person may think that they know about me is none of my business.

Went to a great meeting today! It spoke about personal responsibilty...which was a topic a few days ago and some felt it needed readdressed. Too many times people think they should be forgiven because they have disease. And that is not the case. We are as responsible as the diabetic who doesn't take their medicine. One of the reasons I have to make meditation a priority and not just use it when I think I need it. I love my job, but I am glad the workload is leveling off so I can get to more meetings.