Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

[retteacher]

Everyone:

First, thanks for all the posts to last week's thread. As always, they were invaluable food for thought.

I just got back from the AM meeting I've been going to. I saw a woman friend, whom I did not know was an alcoholic. I haven't seen her socially for quite a while. When she walked in the room, she did a double take when she saw me. After the meeting, we hugged & said: "I didn't know you were an alcoholic!" We both acknowledged that while it is a little disconcerting to see someone we know from the "outside" at meeings, ultimately it's a very good thing. We confirmed the anonymity principle, as our husbands know each other. We were both closet alcoholics whose family didn't understand the extent of our drinking. Her bottom was a car accident...though at the time, the family put out the story that she had suffered a seizure.

I so need to have my pride busted, as I loved the perfection image that I sometimes try to project. Yesterday, I spoke during the "burning desire" portion of the meeting. I revealed my relapse, as that's a meeting I want to be rigorously honest with. It wasn't easy but am glad I did it. Humility is difficult but ultimately rewarding.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Hi all! Mary, thanks for getting us started for the week. I love what you said about encountering the woman you know. And I REALLY love your description of how honesty around the tables about your relapse is key for you getting on with your sober life.

Shortly after I finished writing that letter (finally) to my relapsed friend yesterday morning, I got a text from her young adult daughter. The daughter came by and we spent all afternoon talking. I think it was healing for both of us to just talk about loving the Mom, and also being hurt and baffled by the deceit, etc. that comes with drinking for us alcoholics. One of the things that is very, very apparent is that my friend was NOT honest about her drinking around the tables in meetings. I'm sure keeping that secret inside of AA did not help her at all. I hope this stint in treatment helps her get off to a better go at sober living. It's sure a reminder that we can't *wish* other people into sober living. They have to want it for themselves - and they have to be willing to do absolutely anything it takes to get it. One of the phrases we talked about was "wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink." That is so crucial to getting through the early days/weeks/months of sober living, I think. It is very difficult to see the love AND the pain in this young woman's eyes for her Mom.

Anyway....gotta get back at my research paper but wanted to say hi to everyone!

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

DG: Keeping the secret of my drinking is such a strong pattern for me. It's how I drank before AA. I also did it during this recent relapse. I went to meetings & kept the secret. It wasn't a long time, but it was long enough for me to agonize over it alot. When I finally told my husb, he was (again) shocked that I could drink wo/him seeing it. I was careful around AA friends, as they would have known in a minute.

It's difficult to admit all this subterfuge. However, as I tried to explain to my disappointed husband, it's part & parcel of this disease. I'm not playing the "disease" card to excuse myself. I could have stopped and owned up at any time. But, once on the alcoholic merry-go-round, it's very hard to get off. That's why AA is a revolving door for so many.

Your friend in treatment needs understanding, compassion, structure, honesty, & a willingness to hold her feet to the fire if need be. Her daughter would do well to check out Alanon. She'll get a dose of reality there.

My friends & husband see me making a huge effort to get back into it. However, my AA friends know that any one of them could have the same experience. My husb, as most non-alcoholics, tries very hard but can only go so far in understanding the alcoholic mind.

Mary

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Mary, your words are very helpful to me today understanding my friend a little better, and feeling a little more compassion for her. Thank you for that! There is so much value to everything we share, isn't there? I too think my friends daughter would benefit from Alanon. It's been suggested...by more than just me. We'll see if she ever decides to go.

DG

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Good morning everyone! Today is one of those days where I am especially grateful for sobriety and for the changes and growth that AA has helped me achieve. A couple weeks ago, Mr. Doggy said he thought we should have the septic tank emptied, and would I call them to make an appointment. He sent me an e-mail reminder so I wouldn't forget. Well, I hadn't got around to it. (didn't realize the situation was *that* urgent LOL!) Last night things started backing up in our basement - and that's where Mr. Doggy's man cave/office is located.

I'm just imagining how this scenario would have gone back when I was drinking. I would have been passed out when he came to inform me what happened. I would have immediately gone into huge defense mode finding a way to cover my own tracks and *blame* him. It would have been a big unecessary blustery fight, resulting in more drinking I'm sure.

Even without the booze but before AA, things might not have been quite as dramatic without the booze to fuel things. However taking the liquor away did not take away my immediate sense that I have to be perfect, therefore if I forget something I need to find a way to place blame somewhere else - getting as defensive as it's possible to get.

As it is today, I accepted responsibility for the fact that I didn't do what I said I would do two weeks ago, and it's not a big deal. Mr. Doggy isn't mad - we're just taking care of things.

For whatever reasons, I never really learned how to handle personal problems without "blame" being a huge factor. Stopping drinking didn't help me fix that - AA and the wonderful tools for living helped me fix that. More and more as time goes on, I understand the term "dry drunk" in a way I could not possibly understand it when I first quit drinking. It has taken time for me to be willing to look in the mirror, and have a strong enough sense of self worth that I can just examine where *I* am wrong and work on it.

Mean time, I'm looking forward to the arrival of th septic people!

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

DG:

Owning up & taking responsibility is not something that I had a role model for growing up. Therefore, it is very difficult for me to do now. I can only say that making a true amends & living w/rigorous honesty really keeps my spiritual house clean & my mind clear. Good for you for not starting World War III on account of a septic back-up.

Last night speakers were absolutely great! The one thing I heard that I wanted to share: "As an alcoholic, I was an ego maniac w/an inferiority complex." So true for many of us.

The AM meetings continue to inspire me.

Mary

PS: DG, I'm so glad you didn't take offense at what I said about your friend. Yes, be compassionate, but also, she also needs honesty. You & her daughter are entitled to your feelings.

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Mary - absolutely no offense taken! I am grateful for input as this is a tricky situation emotionally and otherwise. Sometimes its hard to set my own personal feelings aside and truly consider what is the right thing to do. I am so grateful for a wise sponsor, a wise husband, and othe wise AA friends such as you who really help me sort that out.

DG

[SAUSAGE]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Hi Mary and DG and everyone following this thread.

I often look in on this thread although I rarely post on it as I don't go to AA.

I can't tell you enough Mary how much your relapse story has scared and helped me at the same time. Glad you got back on track again. Hope the 90 meetings thing is going well. Good to see you posting again on this thread - was it during / because of your relapse that you decided to step down from the thread for a while a few weeks back?

Interesting to read about you meeting someone you knew at the meeting. I often think that, as I look around my work colleagues, neighbours , friends etc. who is a closet drinker and keeps it hidden?

I have been struggling a lot with romantic / moderation thoughts lately and I'm approaching the 8.5 month mark where I failed last time so I am making a lot more of an effort to read / post again on MWO as I know it is the key to sobriety success for me.

Good to see you around the boards again DG. You and Mary are key inspirational people to me and were too back in 2009. Hope you get the septic tank sorted!!

Take care all

Sausage

[Doggygirl]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Hi Sausage! It's great to see you! Congrats on 8.5 months AF! :yougo::yougo: Good for you coming 'round to touch the life line if this point in your AF journey has been a trouble spot in the past. I don't know about you, but I defnitely know for me any romantic notions of drinking safely are just BS mind tricks. Been there, done that, not fallin' for it again!

The septic situation is sorted, thank goodness!

I was disappointed yesterday because I had to stay home waiting for the septic people to squeeze us in when they could, and there for I missed a monthly Coalition for Substance Abuse meeting - a group I belong to. Instead of having a pity party, I got busy and did the final editing on my research paper for Case Managment, and the finished another big project for Ethics that isn't due until 10/31. Now I will feel good about spending time this weekend watching Skate America! :bling

Life is good. Sober. That's the only way for me.

DG

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Sausage:

It's my hope that someone will read my story of relapse after over 3 years of sobriety & say: "This could happen to me too if I'm not careful!" I had let my thinking become denial-oriented:
-Maybe I can drink one w/others socially.
-Maybe I can have a little to fall asleep at night.
-Maybe I wasn't so bad.

Yes, I was bad. As soon as I had the first drink in relapse, the obsession to drink more set in. I didn't always act on it, but it was there regardless. As soon as I turned off the light at night, I'd start thinking about how much easier it would be to fall asleep if I had "just one." The thinking got more & more twisted.

I had been letting my program go dormant before the relapse.
-I was only going to meetings where I felt comfortable.
-I was telling my sponsor what I thought she wanted to hear.
-I was going through the motions of recovery.
It was only a matter of time before I would "justify" having a drink.

As far as, MWO was concerned: yes, I was also going through the motions here too. There really wasn't any real honesty, as I was drinking the whole time. The drinking was escalating a little every single day. I was starting to drink during the day to "take the edge off." It's hard to come to a recovery site or go to meetings while drinking. However, I'm thankful I did stay here & at meetings. Leaving would have made coming back from the relpase ever harder.

I still feel a certain amount of grief at having thrown away my 3 years of sobriety. I know they weren't for naught, but sometimes it feels that way. I put my 3 medallions into the collection basket last Friday so they could be used by others. I'll have to earn them all over again.

I do hope my experience can benefit others. That's one of the reasons I shared it. Also, rigorous honesty is the only way I can stay sober.

M

[SAUSAGE]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Oh Mary, that's so sad putting your 3 medallions into the basket. You did achieve them and have over 3 years sobriety - is that normal convention after a relapse or is that you just being extra honest / punishing yourself?

Whilst counting days is incredibly rewarding in the early stages - I remember using the analogy " watching AF days stack up like a string of pearls" which several people commented that they liked, it is however incredibly disheartening if you fail - you feel like you've achieved nothing / thrown it all away, yet another way of looking at it is for example someone lost say 28 lbs by going on a healthy diet over a year and then one week they blew it and had a few bad meals / unhealthy snacks - it doesn't take away all the good they've done of the 28lbs lost even if they do end up putting on a couple of pounds that week - as long as the weight doesn't continue to go on. I suppose you can't really look at alcohol in the same way because of its addiction power......I don't know, I'm more confused than ever?

3 yrs ago when I relapsed after 8.5 months I didn't really understand why - now I think I do, I think I got complacent. I don't want to count days any more, I feel I shouldn't be looking at it like this, but I suddenely feel very vulnerable, confused and scared as I keep getting moderation thoughts, just as I did after 8 months last time.

Lots of people disappear from this site and we don't always know if they just get bored of posting or they've relapsed. I remember reading another story on here a few months back, of someone who relapsed after 5 years but then fortunately like you, came back pretty quick. I don't know if I've got the strength of another quit in me?.

You strength in coming back so quickly and not letting your relapse go on and on ( how long was it for?) and your brutal honesty is so inspiring.

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Sausage:

No, I don't feel I was punishing myself in putting the coins back. I'll earn them again. I don't count days but like having a sobriety date. It's something we do in AA, & I too feel it's important. Yes, I do feel as if rigorous honesty is the only option for me, as I'm an alcoholic & lying comes naturally to me. Lying tends to put my sobriety in jeopardy like nothing else does.

I started the relapse during the summer while my husb was away on a retreat. I drank to fall asleep one night when I had a particularly bad bout w/insomnia. The drinking crept in very slowly, but eventually, I even drank during the day a few times when I felt stressed. I knew I couldn't rationalize that. I can't even explain the convoluted thinking I got into in order to justify my drinking.

Sometimes I hear at meeings people say: "I do have another drunk in me, but I'm not sure if I have another recovery." It's their way of saying that they probably wouldn't come back from a relapse. I knew I didn't have an alternative, because I cannot stay sober on my own. I need AA.

In order to avoid owning up to this relapse, I thought I might be able to stop on my own & just go on like before. However, the principles of the program are clear. No honesty, no sobriety.

Thank God I had the strength to admit what had happened.

Mary

[retteacher]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

I again saw someone I knew from the "outside" at this morning's meeting. I guess God wants me out about my alcoholism. It's all good.

[cpn1004]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Wow, great words y'all.
I am into my third week in a row working from home. So I have been attending a lot of meetings with my home group. But I still need you guys. I'm so glad you keep this site going.
Have a great rest of the week.

[Solitaire]

Weekly AA Thread - Oct. 15 - 22

Hello friends,

I am not well known on the threads, as I spend more time in the chat room, I have been following this thread since I joined AA on August the 6th (with a huge hangover if I may add!).

I am 100% committed to the program, I have a sponsor, working the steps etc. And? IT WORKS!!!! I now know, that during my previous AF periods, I was only a dry drunk, and that my chance of staying sober was not very good. I am so grateful for the tools I am getting, the fellowship where I am supported, cared for and guided! The spiritual approach caught me off guard, as I thought we are going to meet fellow drunks and collect tips on how not to drink! Was I wrong!!

Mary, I have to single you out here: This thread was not really "rocking my world". I saw you trying to keep it going, but it was slow. And since your relapse, we are growing! Hence my decision to jump in, and become active here. Since your confession, I am telling anybody who cares to listen, that my most valuable coin is the 24 hour one! With God's help, I NEVER want to recaive another one!

Thanks for sharing, thanks for caring!

Keep coming back!

Sol xxx