af day Tues 16 Oct
Re all the earlier comments about my stinking drinking posts... Awh, you guys are great, truly you are - all of you. Thank you.
I guess I'm just embarrassed coming here and talking about drinking and also confused and also not wanting to piss anyone off by talking about it here. But I really appreciate the support and Turn, I do want to take your offer of help. I may have to mull this over more because right now I am honestly very confused about where I'm at and why. But if you can bare with my rambling I'll try and explain and maybe it'll become clearer to me in the process of writing it out.
Ok, so after my sake slip I had a couple of nights of drinking then went AF again but I could feel that there was a determination and certainty lacking I'd been feeling previously. I didn't feel like I was overly craving a drink but I was feeling very ambivalent. Having had quite a few AF spells now it was pretty easy to go those 16 days but I just felt… blah?… about it all. It all just felt a bit tiresome and overwhelming instead of feeling that it was a really positive thing, as I'd (mostly - if not 100%) been feeling previously. During this time I was trying to build up my motivation again by reading, journalling, reading over my old journals and seeing my therapist, but something clearly just wasn't clicking.
Saturday night I went out with friends to dinner. They had wine with dinner, I did not. Then, we went to a bar and I had every intention of ordering a mocktail. I'd picked one out on the menu. Then, I watched my friend next to me at the bar order a martini - an old favorite - and ordered one too. The best way I can describe that is an 'Oh fuck it' moment. Then I proceeded to drink a shit load the next night out at book club (there's always a lot of wine involved) and then the next at a friend's house for dinner. That night I found myself having all those bargaining thoughts: 'oh who cares' 'so what' 'is it really so bad' 'everyone is drinking a lot' 'but it's fun' and so on. (I should perhaps add that I suspect at least two, if not all three, of the women I was drinking with that night have alcohol issues themselves which no doubt helped me normalise it further. And, no, none of these are people I hang out with a huge amount.)
But, I know that's BS, really, because apart from the fact I drink far too much when I do drink - and lack that off switch - it's the way alcohol makes me feel afterwards too that's such a problem. Not just the hangovers but just generally I feel more depressed, more anxious, less motivated, lacking in self esteem. I wrote a list of the pros and cons of drinking the other day and the pros way outweighed the cons, of course. The pros were basically just - not feeling left out, that feeling of escape, silly fun times with friends (which, yes, I know I can have sober too) - that's about it.
But, yet, I am feeling… deprived, apathetic, not fully committed, tired of the struggle of not drinking (feeling left out and worrying I am being 'boring' are two big hurdles I struggle with), self doubting, but also scared of the endless on-off struggle.
If I had to try and narrow it down I'd say I'm doing a bit of bargaining right now - trying to make excuses about why it might be ok to drink. And also, those romanticizing thoughts, I've DEFINITELY been having those. I don't understand why they are so hard to shake in spite of all the evidence that alcohol really just gives me at best a fleeting pleasure and then I am left feeling sick and depressed and angry at myself yet still maddeningly craving more.
My only consolation is that I felt the same way when I finally quit smoking (18 months today in fact!)… that is, that I'd tried and failed so many times I'd lost any real faith I could really quit. But then somehow I did. I still am not sure what finally snapped. The final time felt like all the previous quits but I think I was just soo tired of beating myself up over it and realized I could just never, ever have a cigarette again - ever. And now it is easy.
Ok, as I said, I need to think this through more but thanks for listening and offering support all. Sorry I've again written a novella here!
Re all the earlier comments about my stinking drinking posts... Awh, you guys are great, truly you are - all of you. Thank you.
I guess I'm just embarrassed coming here and talking about drinking and also confused and also not wanting to piss anyone off by talking about it here. But I really appreciate the support and Turn, I do want to take your offer of help. I may have to mull this over more because right now I am honestly very confused about where I'm at and why. But if you can bare with my rambling I'll try and explain and maybe it'll become clearer to me in the process of writing it out.
Ok, so after my sake slip I had a couple of nights of drinking then went AF again but I could feel that there was a determination and certainty lacking I'd been feeling previously. I didn't feel like I was overly craving a drink but I was feeling very ambivalent. Having had quite a few AF spells now it was pretty easy to go those 16 days but I just felt… blah?… about it all. It all just felt a bit tiresome and overwhelming instead of feeling that it was a really positive thing, as I'd (mostly - if not 100%) been feeling previously. During this time I was trying to build up my motivation again by reading, journalling, reading over my old journals and seeing my therapist, but something clearly just wasn't clicking.
Saturday night I went out with friends to dinner. They had wine with dinner, I did not. Then, we went to a bar and I had every intention of ordering a mocktail. I'd picked one out on the menu. Then, I watched my friend next to me at the bar order a martini - an old favorite - and ordered one too. The best way I can describe that is an 'Oh fuck it' moment. Then I proceeded to drink a shit load the next night out at book club (there's always a lot of wine involved) and then the next at a friend's house for dinner. That night I found myself having all those bargaining thoughts: 'oh who cares' 'so what' 'is it really so bad' 'everyone is drinking a lot' 'but it's fun' and so on. (I should perhaps add that I suspect at least two, if not all three, of the women I was drinking with that night have alcohol issues themselves which no doubt helped me normalise it further. And, no, none of these are people I hang out with a huge amount.)
But, I know that's BS, really, because apart from the fact I drink far too much when I do drink - and lack that off switch - it's the way alcohol makes me feel afterwards too that's such a problem. Not just the hangovers but just generally I feel more depressed, more anxious, less motivated, lacking in self esteem. I wrote a list of the pros and cons of drinking the other day and the pros way outweighed the cons, of course. The pros were basically just - not feeling left out, that feeling of escape, silly fun times with friends (which, yes, I know I can have sober too) - that's about it.
But, yet, I am feeling… deprived, apathetic, not fully committed, tired of the struggle of not drinking (feeling left out and worrying I am being 'boring' are two big hurdles I struggle with), self doubting, but also scared of the endless on-off struggle.
If I had to try and narrow it down I'd say I'm doing a bit of bargaining right now - trying to make excuses about why it might be ok to drink. And also, those romanticizing thoughts, I've DEFINITELY been having those. I don't understand why they are so hard to shake in spite of all the evidence that alcohol really just gives me at best a fleeting pleasure and then I am left feeling sick and depressed and angry at myself yet still maddeningly craving more.
My only consolation is that I felt the same way when I finally quit smoking (18 months today in fact!)… that is, that I'd tried and failed so many times I'd lost any real faith I could really quit. But then somehow I did. I still am not sure what finally snapped. The final time felt like all the previous quits but I think I was just soo tired of beating myself up over it and realized I could just never, ever have a cigarette again - ever. And now it is easy.
Ok, as I said, I need to think this through more but thanks for listening and offering support all. Sorry I've again written a novella here!
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