af day Mon 21 Jan

[Catbuddy]

af day Mon 21 Jan

Hi all,

Cindy, thank you for sharing your story. You know, when I first joined the program back in October, I started the MWO book. I couldn't get beyond her discussion of drinking moderately. It totally derailed my coming to terms with myself. So I stopped reading the book. I failed at moderation for years until I tried abstinence, and that first quit has been the only one necessary. I could succeed at abstinence where I am chemically driven to fail at moderation. I can live with that.

I hesitate to share the crap going on my life as a lot of it is not AL-related, and not sure others want to hear about it. I want to check in regularly to stay committed to sobriety and help others; I know I can't give the daily time that so many of you do. Thank you if I don't say it often enough.

Sad and not wanting to spread it around, so I'll sign off.

Cat

[RunningCourage]

af day Mon 21 Jan

one moment cat....

aha, here we are....

yer hug

[Determinator]

af day Mon 21 Jan

hi family, sorry for not responding to the many PM's. I'll get to them shortly.

Cinders my ol friend I can relate so well to your great post.

I've been spending several hours per day on a forum to help men that have had abusive childhoods. I had repressed some really icky things from my youth that have been revealing themselves in outbursts of anger, resentment, doubt and binging. I really hope I can get to the bottom of this.

be well my friends. i cherish you each and every one.

[scottish lass]

af day Mon 21 Jan

Quick check in again - day off for girls, thou I was on call = and it has been a crazy busy day again! Need a rest now.
Cat - so sorry, feel free to share if it would help. One of the things I appreciate about this thread is that it is not all AL related, but coping with all the heck life throws at you - so I would be happy to help if i could?:l:l
Det - sounds wonderful that you will be getting support to deal with something that is obviously haunting you, I do hope this will be the beginning of getting to the bottom and able to help you to heal.:l:l
Thank you Cinders for sharing, very enlightening. I absolutely came here to moderate, and had tried Moder8 first - wanted to do anything possible to keep on drinking and it has taken me almost two years to work out the insanity of that for ME.
Hi to everyone else here and for giving me this thread that is paramount to my success, I am enjoying my sobriety.
I have had a really hard day dealing with the girls father, and trying to help them thru the insanity he puts us thru - I turned to my 14 year old and said well thats enough to make me open a bottle of wine (she does not know of my struggles or my plan to not drink) and she said oh Mum, don't make him make you crack under the stress - so not cracking is what I am doing!
With Love, SL

[ThreeDogNight]

af day Mon 21 Jan

Slipped does not describe me, Mick. I have only been sober for long periods a few times since joining. I have been to rehab three times and then done several 30 day periods but I have never truly committed to quitting.

A friend, Zenstyle, and I talk a bit on the phone. She and I both are frustrated that so many join here and just seem to "get it" and she and I just don't seem to. (She is in rehab as I type this and I am praying mightily that she comes out of rehab ready to stay sober. She is a dear friend and I care very much about her welfare.)

Cindi, this really hit me. I can really understand feeling that everyone else seems to get it and you don't. I didn't get it either. For a long time, even after rehab. I lasted six months before caving, and that started the whole cycle of self loathing, shame, guilt, etc. all over again. I pray that this time I do get it. So many times I had no hope of ever making it through a day. Even with a DUI under my belt, I still didn't get it. Second DUI had me seeking rehab, and I am grateful for that, but it took longer for me to finally just know I'd had it. I couldn't drink enough to make me feel better, and only felt worse and worse. There was no longer any relief in drinking. I try to be thankful every day for being able to drive again and try to have a "normal" life, the kind I can only have when I stay away from AL. I know you will find this, too, and, as you said, it's staying AF or dying. I so want for you and Zenny to have whatever it take this time.
.

In the beginning, most people joined MWO to try to moderate. Over time, that has changed. Some still do and some are successful!! But the prevailing attitude here is AF. Why? Because the majority of us cannot moderate. This has become so apparent year after year. Unfortunately, there is often discord between those who know they must abstain and those who come on here to learn to moderate. This upsets me quite a bit. This website was designed for moderation. Even though Roberta ended up having to go AF herself, that does not negate the intent of this website.

Then comes the "I hate AA" posts (which is okay to say but not okay to tell people who go to AA that they are wrong) and those cause discord.

Then we have the Baclofen is the only way, or Naltrexone is the only way, or Topamax is the only way, causing discord.

Then we have the AA is the only way.

People tend to forget that this website is named My Way Out not My Way Out is Your Way Out.

Amen to that, Cindi! Whatever works for us is what is right for us. May be completely wrong for somebody else, but that person will find the right way for him/her.

Thank you for sharing all of that. It is going to make a difference for many others.

:lTDN

[scottish lass]

af day Mon 21 Jan

Hey TDN - congrats on your 60days!!! Hoping that we are finding our way this time round - i am coming up behind you so keep marching forward!!!

[kuya]

af day Mon 21 Jan

Congrats TDN.....seems to have gone so fast, but I am sure with all the other stuff it doesn't seem that way to you.

Cinders thanks for your post, very interesting and revealing.
When I came to MWO as a visitor a couple of years back I was interested in cutting down but I didn't join. Later I quit for nine weeks alone and the joys of being AF were so great I had no desire to moderate......problem was I had to learn the rules.....ONE drink and you are back to square one. It took eight months to come and join and after nearly five months sober I am committed to spending two years minimum here ......I believe it takes that long to be safe. I also think it is important to find a niche for daily check ins.

Det I am so glad there is some movement forward for you. The problems you suffered are at the root of many people's drug abuse and inability to stop and must be addressed. I hope this will see you on a secure path to happiness rather than an enforced sobriety which is miserable IMO.
I look forward to sharing the journey.

[Catbuddy]

af day Mon 21 Jan

Hi everyone, and a strong AF evening to you.

RC, thanks as always. That cat is amazing; I could feel the hug.
SL, thanks for opening the door also. Ugh. Just sore heart, pain rebounding back in. I didn't drink yesterday, but was surrounded by champagne, wine, beer, food, people, toasts, etc. all while my heart was aching, and I just wanted to sooth the pain. It's so hard when you can't just go hide somewhere, but you have to somehow endure. It was the hardest day in a long time.

I so miss a partner in life. I need to go cry right now.

Det, I'm glad you are finding help. I was abused by one of my brothers for years. It came flooding back at a really unexpected time in my 20's; through dreams, sudden memories. It selected its own time to demand to be dealt with. If you are in such a time, go the distance with it. Those fears of him are totally gone now; I can see him at family events and be fine. My mother, another story. Can't seem to forgive her, so I try to remember she is human. I wish you peace.

Cat

[kuya]

af day Mon 21 Jan

Awww Cat........I know how you feel about the significant other.....I feel the same a lot of the time..... You are lovely and he WILL be found.

Patience my friend, for now have a good cry :l:l:l

P.S. I put something up in laughing out loud just for you yesterday......might cheer you up

[Catbuddy]

af day Mon 21 Jan

Sniff. Thanks, Kuya. Sometimes you have to cry. On Saturday night, he decided and told me my life complications from my ex are "a lot to absorb and not sure he is prepared" while I'm in his bed. Well. That sucked, blowed; go ahead, the jokes are all there.

Sorry for the bad taste.

:l I guess in my stages of grief I'm at mad. Not really at him, just at fate.

You and RC told me something I will truly embrace. I need to believe in the possibility of the future when the present turns to crap.

I love you guys. That video diary is ridiculous, and funny. God help me if we have to make videos. I'm way too serious on camera.

Cat

[scottish lass]

af day Mon 21 Jan

Cat - thanks for sharing - i feel for you, snuggled with my youngest the other night, she was asking me about finding someone else and why would I do something where I could get my heart broken again - I tried to tell her abot being lonely, even when I had her and she suggested a dog! Not quite the same huh??? I do live in hope that one day I will find someone to live my life with in comfortable companionship...:l:l