af day Wed 23 Jan

[Catbuddy]

af day Wed 23 Jan

Morning, and a strong AF Wed to everyone.

I like coming here. It is one of the high points of my day. Kaslo, thank you for that post, lots of great stuff to consider. I'm going to copy it into a journal I keep of inspiring thoughts. I really like focus outside yourself - too much navel gazing in our society, and in me.

Kaslo to answer your question, my ex's family are AWOL in Iowa and always have been regarding his financial issues and care. You would be horrified if I shared the stories. Legally, it doesn't matter at all. CA divorce law favors the weaker party and is totally fucked up in my opinion. That is why we have prenuptial agreements so often in this state. I didn't do that, so here I sit. When I first told his family of our plans, his mother was hostile, nasty and mean for 2 years. His sister was hostile, shaming, and threatened to take me for everything I am worth. Now, their achilles heal is that they have never put in the effort to do a damn thing when it relates to him. So actually coming after my wealth, which would require time and lawyers, proved to be an empty threat as the years have passed. Now my risks are more what the courts in CA will require, as he is not likely to be deemed able to negotiate his own future.

To all this, let me add that I love my ex. I care for him, I feel such ongoing sadness at his fate in life. I think that tragedy is compounded by his selfish and weak family. And he is the father of my son, and my son loves him to pieces. I would never seek a resolution where he is shipped back to Iowa and my son loses his father. There are clear limits that I can accept to how this must play out.

Through the valley of deep, deep sadness we must find a way to endure the pain. It is my weakest link in the AF life. Not hunger, boredom, loneliness, tired, social pressure, anxiety..........pain.

So, thoughts on that?

Love to you all,
Cat

[Cinders]

af day Wed 23 Jan

Cat,

Is your pain because your current relationship is unable to handle your situation, is it because you are unable to divorce your ex, or a combination of both? Perhaps some guilt peppered in there?

I, too, know pain. I think most of us have. I have two alcoholic children, one of whom almost died a few years ago from liver disease and is now drinking again. (Fear and guilt) I had to deal with my parents for a year and a half as my mom was, and still is, suffering from dementia and my father was not able to handle the situation. I lost my father this August and now have my mother in a home nearby. She doesn't always recognize me when I call or show up. The last two years have been rough. I used that as an excuse to continue to drink rather than buck up and put on my big girl pants.

I still have the same situations and it causes me sadness, grief, worry, fear, pain.

I can't let it deter me from my commitment to stay sober. Drinking doesn't help the situations anyway. Just keeps me from doing what I need to do to be responsible.

Cindi

[Catbuddy]

af day Wed 23 Jan

Hi Cindi,

Pain from the mess of trying to pursue a new stage in my romantic life.

I'm looking for suggestions on how folks make it through pain. I am not going to drink again - and that was my go to way of handling pain. So, what are the favorite coping mechanisms for getting through pain?

Cat

[Cinders]

af day Wed 23 Jan

Cat,

One thing my husband has told me several times is that there are literally billions of people in this world who suffer from pain/hunger/worry/fear, etc, and they do not drink or drug to get past it. They simply accept those uncomfortable things as a natural part of life and deal with them.

I am afraid that pain is a fact of life.

Like you, I always dealt with discomfort using alcohol, my DOC. Now, I realize I am in the uncomfortable position of having to learn how to deal with discomfort like the rest of the world. NOT looking forward to it, mind you, but just knowing that I have to.

Cindi

[Lavande]

af day Wed 23 Jan

Good evening folks,

I am wiped out after a busy day including 3 hrs watching my grandsons. They have morphed from happy little kids into a couple of lunatics

Cat, I am sending you a PM...maybe it will help

Cindi, I have been thru the care & feeding & end of life issues with all four of our parents. I know how draining it all is but somehow we have to find the courage to buck up, don't we? Taking care of yourself first so that your can be fully present for your loved one is the sanest way to go & something you won't regret.

Wishing everyone a good night!
Lav

[Kaslo]

af day Wed 23 Jan

Cinders;1449189 wrote: Cinders wrote:

I always dealt with discomfort using alcohol, my DOC. Now, I realize I am in the uncomfortable position of having to learn how to deal with discomfort like the rest of the world. NOT looking forward to it, mind you, but just knowing that I have to.

Cindi

I really worried about that too. What was I going to do in a crisis, or a disaster? (I can pretty much count on the odd disaster. lol) However, after about 18 months I found that the discomforts were not as uncomfortable as I thought they would be. One of the effects of AL is to supposedly make us not care about crap, we drink to forget, but that is temporary, and after a while it actually has the opposite effect. There is no question that I cope much better now. The problems are much easier to sort out.

[scottish lass]

af day Wed 23 Jan

Very quick checkin - crazy work day, 5 meetings starting at 10am and fininshing at 6pm - way too many meetings and not enough time to get work done!
Mick, nope, not seen Irn Bru here, not seen haggi either, but Baxters soup I can get!
OK, off to get some home stuff done...
see you all tomorrow...

[Catbuddy]

af day Wed 23 Jan

Quick goodnight from me. Pffffttttttt. Crap of a day. Tomorrow will be better.

Cat