af day Thursday 31 Jan

[treetops]

Hi there - late quick start to last day of the month.
Some mornings are going to be very hectic for me like today was - daughter back at school - so within the space of one hour I am doing the mad Mummy gets breakfast, gets dressed, feeds cat, calms daughter down, makes school lunch, finds lost things, gets my work stuff together, etc etc - you know. Then I am a taxi driver not just for me, G and daughter but waifs and strays.
I will have to leave it to Mick or someone else to really kick the day off as now its the dinner shift, lots of work as well ---- might lurk later, even post properly later - although I want to unwind with a DVD before sleep.
Cheerio.... stay cool and AB (sorry that should be stay warm and AB for most of you). Hot day here - lovely!!

[Cinders]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

Hello there my friends,

PPQP. :l:l on the reply. Yes, I do the same thing with mom. Yesterday while waiting in the doctor's waiting room, my mom started talking to the woman sitting next to her. What she said made absolutely no sense and the woman looked at me quizzically. I mouthed to her, just nod and smile. So that's what she did. At the end of the visit to the doctor, the woman and her husband came by and said good-bye to mom and me. They both had brilliant smiles.

Two things happened: 1. Mom thought she had made a friend for life. 2. This couple felt amazingly good about making a few short moments in my mom's life a little better.

Lav, re getting calmer. Mom was diagnosed about two years ago with paranoid psychosis. She was calling 911 constantly, telling people my dad was raping her and beating her up, telling people that awful people were breaking into her house and stealing things, etc.

Her paranoia is easing up quite a bit these days, which makes me feel good for her. I can only imagine living in constant fear knowing you are unable to do anything to make it better.

The memory care unit she lives in is filled with wonderful, loving care givers. It never ceases to amaze me how much time and effort the "workers" there give to their residents. It is not the ritziest place where she lives, I picked it purely based on the attitude of the people who work there. The average length of employment for the people who work there is ten years. About the same time the facility opened. That fact speaks volumes.

Sorry to hijack my AFers thread about this BUT it is relevant.

I was sad yesterday because I am seeing a very steep decline in my mama's cognitive ability. A few short months ago, I could at least have a few moments of clarity. Today, none. But, her face does light up when she sees me walk in. That is amazing. It will be heartbreaking when I walk in and she has no idea who I am. She does that to my brothers and my daughter. For some reason, she knows my son no matter what, and he only comes to visit her occasionally. Brain damage is an odd thing..

However, being sober, being able to care for her, being able to come home, set the pain aside as just part of life and not trying to deal with it by wiping my brain out. (kind of ironic if you think about it...)

Just like Kaslo's client yesterday, even though I am nowhere near her time sober, it is good to just deal with life on life's terms.

Sometimes life's terms suck. But, sometimes it doesn't.

(((Det))), depression is a different issue than what I am discussing above. Been there, done that. I hope you at least looked at the link I pm'd you. I also know that when you are truly in the grips of depression, the simplest act can seem like trying to climb Mount Everest. I am here and always will be here for you. You don't know it but one time several years ago, you saved my life. Really.

I will check in later and I so much appreciate the kindness of my friends here on the AF thread.

Love,
Cindi

[kuya]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

Evening AFers,

Thanks for the start TT, doesn't have to be war and peace, but now you have been starting don't confuse us again! :H

Like you I am knackered by the school start, my daughter is so tired, poor love went to bed at 8.30 tonight.

Cindi......my mum is in the same position, in a care home with severe dementia, but she is 12000 miles away in England.
She rarely holds on to who is phoning when I do phone and I feel bad that I don't phone often ...... But guilt is a selfish emotion and the truth is I couldn't stand much of her when she had her marbles intact. In spite of her appalling parenting she is still my mother, she is well cared for but I get given shit by the family for not leaving the life I have made here to go be with her.

Like you say.....life on life's terms.

[Cinders]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

kuya;1454169 wrote: Evening AFers,
Cindi......my mum is in the same position, in a care home with severe dementia, but she is 12000 miles away in England.
She rarely holds on to who is phoning when I do phone and I feel bad that I don't phone often ...... But guilt is a selfish emotion and the truth is I couldn't stand much of her when she had her marbles intact. In spite of her appalling parenting she is still my mother, she is well cared for but I get given shit by the family for not leaving the life I have made here to go be with her.

Like you say.....life on life's terms.

Kuya, My mom was and still is one of my dearest friends in life. I have so many wonderful memories of the two of us together getting into all kinds of trouble. :-)

Do not feel guilty, because, as you stated, guilt is a selfish emotion. Truly, she probably has no idea whether you come to see her or not.

As far as the family trying to give you shit, that is their guilt projecting onto you. Let it bounce off.

I volunteered to have my mom move up here close to me. Not because I felt it was my duty but because she and I have always been so close. My brothers love her but did not have that kind of relationship. I could not bear to have her where no one ever went to see her or care. I do not blame my brothers, however, as they are much older than I am and did not have the chance to get to know her like I did.

Cindi

[kuya]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

I can understand the difference as my daughter and I are so close. I know she would be devastated when I reach that stage ( which I accept I might IF I stay sober).

I think I will try and ensure I put something in place, a living will perhaps, as my mother is extremely wealthy and her end could have been so much better if she had done so.

[Lavande]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

Good morning Abbers!

Sunny out with gusty chilly wind today - Brrr!!!

Greetings TT, Cindi & Kuya!
We all have or have had similar experiences with family & I think that helps bind us together

Dementia is certainly tough not only for the patient & family but for the caregivers as well. The old way to handle confused patients was to medicate them into oblivion. Thnakfully that practice is out, chemical restraints are illegal. The good news is the development of better antipsychotic meds such as Risperdal has helped tremendously. When used appropriately I've seen patients respond very positively & maintain good function

Playing it by ear today so who knows what's coming my way :H
Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Thursday!
Lav

[YoungAtHeart]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

Hope you had (or are having) a good rest, TT. So glad that the chauffeur part of my life is over!

Thank you for your thoughtful post, Cinders. It is so painful to watch a mother's light fade, and I'm glad you can take pleasure in her pleasures and be with her where she is.

Kuya, I appreciate your ethics and insights more every day, and I'm sorry that your sibs don't understand. It sounds like we are similar in that we have both tried to have the kind of relationship with our own daughters that we didn't have with our mothers. It is good for them and for us.

Anyway, it is cold and windy here after being warm and rainy. This is a crazy winter for sure. I HATE when it is cold and windy.

Okay, onward and upward.

Hi to all to come.

Hugs,
:l
Yah

[treetops]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

I am back to confusing you all - its 1 Feb here and I have posted the first instalment of 'War and Peace'

[scottish lass]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

So, I am so overwhelmed with all that is going on and feeling out of control, and struggling to maintain balance. I unfortunately chose to drink on day 30. No surprise, it did not make anything better, I feel horrible today and am pretty upset with myself. It has reinforced, yet again, how important it is to me to give up drinking, I was caught at a weak moment and that moment is not at all worth the feelings that have been left. I did not enjoy drinking at all, so it was not worth anything. I did not finish what I bought and have poured the rest away. I am here in the hope of being accountable.
Thanks TT, Kuya, YAH, PPQ and all for the comments you have sent me over the last couple of days.

[YoungAtHeart]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

I'm sorry you caved, SL. It really sucks being back on Day 1; It's so not worth it! Hang in there and get back to work. :l

[Determinator]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

extra hugs for Scottish Lass, at least you're not diving into a destructive binge (my habit when I fall).

feeling pretty decent today happy to say. Dx is still very down. I will do my best to try and cheer her up today.

Cindi, thank you for the link... exploring

be well everyone

[treetops]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

Don't beat yourself up Scottish Lass - you did 30 days which is great. This would have been a month if it was February.
Det is right - Don't cave in to the binge-devil and take esp extra care with the weekend looming on the horizon. Hugs.

[blondie]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

Morning Abbers

Hi Det - good to see a glipse of garlic man; I am so sorry for what you and Dx are going through.
SL - As Det said, better to recognise how useless drinking was and not relapse.

Morning TT and Kuya - still hot in the land of the long white cloud?

Cinders, PPQ and Kuya - my mum's the same. Last time I visited (4 years ago; she's in UK too) she didn't recognise me (though I like to think there were moments) but I engaged in her conversations about nothing; we had a ball. But my family didn't think that was how to treat her. She maybe gets a visit 2-3/month which is heartbreaking to me. I find it hard to cope with the selfishness, guilt and what-ifs but know not to dwell on them. It does no good whatsoever.

Well, ending this note with an extra cheery wave for everyone else :H February - aren't there a few anniversaries this month? Kas - 2 years; YaH 6 months, moi - 1 year:shocked: Any more takers?
Mick - almost caught up with your jokes, so need you to pop in quickly!!
Have fun

[RunningCourage]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

Quick pop in with a :hallo:

Blondie - well spotted with the February anniversaries. I do like to see others doing so well - it helps my own wee journey.

SL - :l Yep, as peeps have been saying, dont beat yerself up and instead start the next part of your journey. Each time I am positive you will grow in strength.

Det - good to see you here mate.

TT, Kuya - how does February look so far?!

See you in February folks, offski to the bed pit.

[scottish lass]

af day Thursday 31 Jan

Thanks all - I thought I was winning this time - I also had not been s diligent about being here with you, so will get back on track.
Not sure how many more curveballs I can take, need a bit of a break so I can self care properly.....
had enough folks.....