morning all, how is Saturday going then?Well here we are ..first up best dressed!..although for the south its nearly over!!Pretty cold here last night ...frost all over the place but at least its dry.
Tea/coffee and lemon on the go ..fasting day for me
Wont be on the early show tomorrow..out on my travels but I will check in at some point
Morning tt ,how are you this fine day? ..yep went through the lets not bother with pressies one Christmas many moons ago....cost me more in the long run!!!Any plans for the rest of the weekend?Last of the summer wine..filmed about 6 miles over the tops from me in Holmfirth...absolutely lovely (or was) little village..even had Compos chip shop!
Morning Lav..one big coffee for you...dont be working too hard!my ..what a quaint turn of phrase you have got..they have been holed up with...sounds like Butch Cassidy and thee Sundance kid!!
Good morning SL...how are you today? wow everyone sounds like the busy season is coming on! Good for you ..another 2 weeks ..tough it isnt just another 2 weeks ..think positive this is the biggy where you turn want and need out of the door.. never mind the tortoise..you know what happened to the hare in that story!!have a great day
Morning Shelby..have a great day with your houseful of 8 year olds!Yes you are right.. you cant change the past ..just improve the future
Morning ppqp...busy day for you today eh? Reckon that you are going to get the snow we had last week.How are you ..apart from mad busy? Remember your me time!!Hope all goes well
Hiya Cat ,how are things with you? Another one that is busy..its like the dormancy is starting to move along.As for the growing season ..ours has started already ...The back window ledge in our house is covered in little bell propagators all full of tiny shoots peeking through.I love rhubarb..in pies crumbles etc, and already its about 8 inches tall
Morning Kuya and how are you mate?Glad you are felling a bit calmer ..see knew you couldnt resist my crap jokes!!!!:H Sounds like you have got a lot on your hands, banks schools etc..sure you aint doing a moonlighter?:H Didnt think you would be on the razz ..but just the same glad to here it .Take it easy :l
Morning SF..how are you? Interesting question that what would i like my life to be like in 5 years? any other takers?
ok Ill start
to be happy,to be alive still, healthy as possible,to be able to do what I want to do..make sure my daughter is ok simples.
.for me that covers all the bases that I can think of at the moment
Think you are fright about the clean slate issue..nice phrase but what does it mean really?We all learn by experience..any way you have a good day
Right you good people thats me ..wont be here early doors, but will try and pop in during the day depending on phone signal ..have a great weekend
Two would be businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...As yet, the shop wasn't ready with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some nosey old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a look in, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."Without skipping a beat, the old woman looked at the empty shelves and then at the lads and said ?Yer must be doing well... Only two left."
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, ?13?.13.. ..13″
The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting ?14?.14? .14″?
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn?t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Tom, dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize ? a whole year?s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. dick was the winner of the second prize ? six month?s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize ? a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
?Great,? said Tom. ?I love spaghetti.?
?So do I,? said dick. ?And how?s the toilet brush, Harry??
?Not so good,? Harry said, ?I reckon I?ll go back to paper??
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, ?Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife??
The third fellow said, ?I?ll tell you ? just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.?
The first two guys were amazed. ?Wow! What happened then?? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, ?She said, ?Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.??
A guy comes outta a bar one night and theres a cop sitting in the parking lot. The guy staggers a bit, fals down the stairs, gets up and walks over to his bike, gets on and tries to start it.
The bike won?t start and he realizes it isn?t his bike afterall. He gets off it walks over gets on another one and tries to start it, nope not his either.
He goes over to another one gets on and starts it up, and passes out. A bunch of his buddies and others from the bar start to leave, laugh as they pass the guy passed out on his bike. A few minutes later he wakes up and leaves the parking lot.
Next thing theres sirens and lights and he?s being pulled over by the cop from the parking lot. The cop tells him to get off his bike, so he does.
The cop tells him to walk the yellow line and he does perfectly. The cop then gives him a breathalizer and it comes up zero. The cop looks at him and says, ?Okay, I saw you come out staggering all over, fall down the stairs and get on the wrong bike 3 times and then pass out! How can you walk the line with no problems and blow a zero??
The guy replies, ?Well, tonight I?m the designated decoy!?
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, ?No thanks. I don?t drink. I tried it once, but I didn?t like it.?
So the bartender said, ?Well, would you like a cigarette??
But the man said, ?No thanks. I don?t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn?t like it.?
The bartender asked him if he?d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, ?No thanks. I don?t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn?t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn?t be here at all, but I?m waiting for my son.?
The bartender said, ?Your only son, I?m guessing.?
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ?I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I?ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.?
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan?s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ?Is your bet still good?? asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ?If ya don?t mind me askin?, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone??
The Irishman replies, ?Oh? I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.?
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, ?Do you know her??
?Yes,? I sighed. ?She?s my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn?t been sober since.
?My God!? says my wife. ?Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long??
A new business was opening and one of the owner?s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, ?Rest in Peace.?
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, ?Sir, I?m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ?Congratulations on your new location.??
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
?Let?s try to make this look natural ?she said. ?Junior, put your arm around your dad?s shoulder.?
The father answered, ?If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket??
Tea/coffee and lemon on the go ..fasting day for me
Wont be on the early show tomorrow..out on my travels but I will check in at some point
Morning tt ,how are you this fine day? ..yep went through the lets not bother with pressies one Christmas many moons ago....cost me more in the long run!!!Any plans for the rest of the weekend?Last of the summer wine..filmed about 6 miles over the tops from me in Holmfirth...absolutely lovely (or was) little village..even had Compos chip shop!
Morning Lav..one big coffee for you...dont be working too hard!my ..what a quaint turn of phrase you have got..they have been holed up with...sounds like Butch Cassidy and thee Sundance kid!!
Good morning SL...how are you today? wow everyone sounds like the busy season is coming on! Good for you ..another 2 weeks ..tough it isnt just another 2 weeks ..think positive this is the biggy where you turn want and need out of the door.. never mind the tortoise..you know what happened to the hare in that story!!have a great day
Morning Shelby..have a great day with your houseful of 8 year olds!Yes you are right.. you cant change the past ..just improve the future
Morning ppqp...busy day for you today eh? Reckon that you are going to get the snow we had last week.How are you ..apart from mad busy? Remember your me time!!Hope all goes well
Hiya Cat ,how are things with you? Another one that is busy..its like the dormancy is starting to move along.As for the growing season ..ours has started already ...The back window ledge in our house is covered in little bell propagators all full of tiny shoots peeking through.I love rhubarb..in pies crumbles etc, and already its about 8 inches tall
Morning Kuya and how are you mate?Glad you are felling a bit calmer ..see knew you couldnt resist my crap jokes!!!!:H Sounds like you have got a lot on your hands, banks schools etc..sure you aint doing a moonlighter?:H Didnt think you would be on the razz ..but just the same glad to here it .Take it easy :l
Morning SF..how are you? Interesting question that what would i like my life to be like in 5 years? any other takers?
ok Ill start
to be happy,to be alive still, healthy as possible,to be able to do what I want to do..make sure my daughter is ok simples.
.for me that covers all the bases that I can think of at the moment
Think you are fright about the clean slate issue..nice phrase but what does it mean really?We all learn by experience..any way you have a good day
Right you good people thats me ..wont be here early doors, but will try and pop in during the day depending on phone signal ..have a great weekend
Two would be businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...As yet, the shop wasn't ready with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some nosey old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a look in, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."Without skipping a beat, the old woman looked at the empty shelves and then at the lads and said ?Yer must be doing well... Only two left."
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, ?13?.13.. ..13″
The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting ?14?.14? .14″?
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn?t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Tom, dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize ? a whole year?s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. dick was the winner of the second prize ? six month?s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize ? a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
?Great,? said Tom. ?I love spaghetti.?
?So do I,? said dick. ?And how?s the toilet brush, Harry??
?Not so good,? Harry said, ?I reckon I?ll go back to paper??
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, ?Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife??
The third fellow said, ?I?ll tell you ? just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.?
The first two guys were amazed. ?Wow! What happened then?? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, ?She said, ?Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.??
A guy comes outta a bar one night and theres a cop sitting in the parking lot. The guy staggers a bit, fals down the stairs, gets up and walks over to his bike, gets on and tries to start it.
The bike won?t start and he realizes it isn?t his bike afterall. He gets off it walks over gets on another one and tries to start it, nope not his either.
He goes over to another one gets on and starts it up, and passes out. A bunch of his buddies and others from the bar start to leave, laugh as they pass the guy passed out on his bike. A few minutes later he wakes up and leaves the parking lot.
Next thing theres sirens and lights and he?s being pulled over by the cop from the parking lot. The cop tells him to get off his bike, so he does.
The cop tells him to walk the yellow line and he does perfectly. The cop then gives him a breathalizer and it comes up zero. The cop looks at him and says, ?Okay, I saw you come out staggering all over, fall down the stairs and get on the wrong bike 3 times and then pass out! How can you walk the line with no problems and blow a zero??
The guy replies, ?Well, tonight I?m the designated decoy!?
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, ?No thanks. I don?t drink. I tried it once, but I didn?t like it.?
So the bartender said, ?Well, would you like a cigarette??
But the man said, ?No thanks. I don?t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn?t like it.?
The bartender asked him if he?d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, ?No thanks. I don?t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn?t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn?t be here at all, but I?m waiting for my son.?
The bartender said, ?Your only son, I?m guessing.?
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, ?I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I?ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.?
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan?s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. ?Is your bet still good?? asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ?If ya don?t mind me askin?, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone??
The Irishman replies, ?Oh? I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.?
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, ?Do you know her??
?Yes,? I sighed. ?She?s my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn?t been sober since.
?My God!? says my wife. ?Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long??
A new business was opening and one of the owner?s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, ?Rest in Peace.?
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, ?Sir, I?m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ?Congratulations on your new location.??
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
?Let?s try to make this look natural ?she said. ?Junior, put your arm around your dad?s shoulder.?
The father answered, ?If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket??
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