I have a confession...

[julie001]

Dear Abstainers,

I have to confess that when I found the MYO website and explored it, I arrived at the conclusion that I wanted aim for moderation. And I was so surprised that there was a website out there that offered more than one option.

However, I really enjoy visiting the Long Term Abstainers thread because of the wonderul success stories. You're all making such great strides and occasionally my thoughts turn to the idea that one day I may decide that I want to be AF for good. I can't say that for sure right at this moment, but thanks to all of you for sharing and offering non-judgemental support I am leaning more towards AF as a serious possibility. Your successes are a huge inspiration to me. The longer you all are AF, the more happiness, contentment, etc...I pick up on in the tone of your posts. So hopefully people like me (who are on the fence) can join you despite that we are exactly on the same page.

In fairness to moderators, I think there are good days and bad days for all of us, but the hugest positive is we are trying to make very necessary changes in our drinking habits. That's a tremendous step in the right direction.

Thanks to all--moderators and abstainers alike. I am always in a better place mentally and spiritually after logging on a reading posts.

Julie

[Determinator]

I have a confession...

I'm in exactly the same boat julie. This has been quite a ride. Eye-opening, soul searching and learning more than I ever expected. You sound like a very bright and introspective person.

[Guest]

I have a confession...

Julie and Det,
Do you know that I had the same experience as you. When I started out my inital goal was simply 30 days. Couldnt get my head round more than that.

Once I started I was so scared to 'go back'.. so scared. I felt like I was in a current of water.. i felt like I'd lost control and didnt know where to go.. I really felt all at sea... specially here where so many wanted to moderate (including me).. and finding my truth and holding onto it was very challenging for me.

Even nearing a years absintence, I had a month where I agonised over moderation... simply agonised.. it was painful in the extreme... and the poor people whom I offload onto put up with a lot from me then.

The attitude of this is a lifetime was a big deal for me to get over.... a lifetimes abstinence... how AWFUL!!!!! I had to really change my mindset to thinking of it in terms of.. hey.. i've been happy since I didnt drink - now that is so amasing, I have to say it again in capitals "I'VE BEEN HAPPY SINCE I DIDNT DRINK" .. I need to keep staying happy.. if that means being sober in the morning.. then I dont drink.

So my focus is not on abstaining, but supporting my happiness and that makes me abstain... - also the thought that if I have one drink I'm back to square one and boy, I dont want to go back there. I think if I were to think about moderating.. I'd agonise over the glass.. how much in the glass.. i'd be so scared holding it.. and far too tempted to have more than just one glass... and I reckon I"d feel bad about myself... thinking how many days would i have to abstain to make up for it.. etc etc etc.. you can imagine what my tortured brain is like sometimes... better simply to make it a non issue.. no thanks.. i dont drink... such an easy sentence.. and why dont i drink.. i dont like it... yes, I used to like it but I really went off it, not sure why and then I direct the conversation elsewhere.. .. no one has challenged me on that statement.

For me this my happiness option... and I hope you find your happiness option too.. whatever it is.

Brigid

[julie001]

I have a confession...

Brigid,

Congratulations on your happiness! I aspire to your strong will.

Julie

[cassy]

I have a confession...

hi there like you.. Idont know where my journey is going except at the moment i am happy(still get the odd niggle..should i moderate or should i not bother to try??)
mostly i dont think about the moderating stuff...its on the back burner as the original goal was to go AF for 40days of Lent(i started a few days before Ash Wednesday)

Not sure what to do when Easter Sunday hits me and I will be on holiday too.. atime when i like the local restuarants and a few wines. Will have a child with me and hubby so definetly no wild drinking sessions possible.

hubby did AF for lent too but he clearly intends to go back to moderating..he isnt at the stage of seeing it as a problem he has ..though i,m so so grateful for his support to kick start me by joining me in Af for 40 days)

My friend also on board with the Lent thing is also mithering about her next step,


For now i am pleased to be on day 37 AF...Rationally i say then why bother to return to trying to Af and monitoring if the amount creeps up!

Then a little voice says go on and try moderating on holiday and I can always run back here for support if i cant stick with the moderation plan.


Another voice says "dont waste your energy just get on with today being in control and sober.


dont know where my journe yis leading but on a positive note am so glad i have had chance to be De toxed and living a clean life for a change!!


good luck with your path to healing

regards Cassy

[Newyear]

I have a confession...

Brigid- I think I have to print out what you just wrote. I loved it - it is me.
You are further along than I am - I'm at about 5 months. Last drink for me was Oct 27th. I have gone back and forth so many times. I tend to come to the same conclusion that you have- I'm happier sober. I just am.

I went to a going away party after work. A girl I work with who knows I quit drinking actually asked me today why I quit. No one has asked me that - not directly like that.
I was a little surprised and caught off guard but I said -" Well, I just kind of got tired of it. I decided I wanted to start working out in the mornings before work and that just doesn't mix well with alcohol." I probably said more than was needed.
I was not even tempted at the bar. Now there are other things I want more.
Thanks Brigid- you inspired me and reminded me again of why I don't need to drink anymore.
Love to all-
Lisa

[rivergirl]

I have a confession...

This a really good thread. I think it hits so exactly what all of us who are so tempted by the bottle have dealt with repeatedly in our lives. There is at times a fear of never having a drink again, at times an envy of people who seem to drink with impunity, at times such a raucous joy in the release that first drink brings. Then there are - of course- those other times - those times that bring us to sites like this - times when the bottle betrays us and we are left confused, in pain, or in devastation.

For years I convinced a part of myself that I was, in fact moderating - even that I did not have a problem. For the first time in my life now - I am comfortable with the fact that I cannot drink. It is because I know - know deep in my heart that for me personally moderation is not an option. Oh yes - I can moderate for periods of time - but sooner or later my version of moderation will loosen up and there will be those times when I am "celebrating" or "need to relax" or "deserve it" and I will drink too much. Now finally in my life I know this. This is how it is for me - but it took me many years to come to the point where I really know this and believe it deep in my heart. ...and because of who I am- if someone had told me that years ago I surely would have hated them and done what I could to show them they were wrong.

The whole process is a journey and each part of it is important. being able to choose the path we walk is critical.

Thank you all so much for your bravery and candor.
Riv

[Guest]

I have a confession...

Cassy,

Its so hard isnt it.. thinking you have done your 40 days and maybe moderation can be approached for you. But there is doubt in your post.. Of course you can try moderation and then come here if it fails.. because this is totally YOUR decision.

My gut feeling was that once I had some abs under my belt I feared moderation more and more cos I knew what work it took me to get abs in the first place. My sense is that if moderation is for you then the getting abs would have been easier for that first month than it was for me - and it seems as if it wasnt plain sailing for you to get abs.. but i'm not sure on this point and only surmising.

Ok ok.. I know as does everyone here that i"m all for abs now.. so obviously my view is slanted this way.

I think it takes a huge amount of trust and determination TO take a drink. For me it means I"m risking going back .. and not going forward. For others this may not be the case for them, but it was the case for me... I know... I've held a glass and wondered and tortured myself over it.. (around the 6 months abs stage).. and it was the fear of going back that stopped me... because that was my gut instinct at the time and my conscious decision wasnt to go backwards.

Lisa,
YOu have come such a long way.. 5 months.. boy.. thats impressive. Well done.

Riv
You are spot on that this is a journey.. boy what a journey it is!!!!! and choice is critical as you say.. just make that choice right for YOU.. and make it consciously..

Julie,
Anyone who makes it to this site and starts their action plan has will... Anyone... EVEN YOU. I know.

Brigid

[marco]

I have a confession...

That is so aspiring ,that story.
Day 7 for me and going well,the meds realy do work,well so far anyway.

[Guest]

I have a confession...

and tomorrow is day 8.. so just keep going eh!!!
sounds simple doesent it?

good luck marco
brigid

[changing]

I have a confession...

Thanks for starting this thread Julie. All the replies are hitting a chord with me. 88 days ago I made a decision and that was to change my behaviour in relation to my drinking habits and I did. I had no goal other than just some inner determination to stop the madness going on in my life. That was my goal. I had no other plan other than to stop and mean it this time. Now I am starting to have thoughts like is it possible to moderate? or will I stop altogether and if so for how long? What is my plan? To be honest I am quite confused about everything. It was my daughters birthday yesterday and she asked me to have a drink to toast and celebrate the occasion as we were all out for a night out. I did not have one but more than thought about it! I wondered if I had one would it be a social drink or would I feel I was back to square one? All my other attempts to give up alcohol failed miserably. I had no answers last night but I did not drink. All I knew is that I felt positive about abstaining and despite the awful terrible craving I did not want to change the changing!

I know I prefer my life without alcohol.

88 days...has a nice ring to it.