I Need Stregnth!

[bestlifeldms]

Nearly three weeks AF and I blew it late tues. night before I went to bed! My husband has been so supportive, but says that if I don't give it up for good that he can't stay any more. I can't blame him or make this his fault. I know he is right. That would be turning things around to make an excuse so that I can keep drinking.

I don't want to keep drinking or I wouldn't be trying to quit completely! There are many reasons not to continue, more reasons to stop and really no good reason to continue. I am so dissappointed in myself. I am at work and the tears are just ready to spill. :boohoo:

How stupid this all is, to make myself feel so sick and sad inside! The world sees me as a successful person and I feel so inadequate, like an imposter. As long as I can remember there has been this empty, sad, place of fear and darkness inside. When I drink it is anesthetized, temporarily. Only to return made worse by the guilt, that I had failed, once again. Maybe that is how this cycle began. How and why is not the issue. Stopping is the my only option. Not forced upon me. It is my true desire. I no longer want to feel so bad about someone who I know is such a good person - Me! I am not being fair to myself. And I am certainly not repaying those who have loved and supported me with the same love, support and honor that they have given me. How cruel and selfish I have been.

Sneaking alcohol late at night is so disgraceful. It is such a contradiction to how I present myself to the world and what I truly feel myself to be inside.

Oh my, I am really putting myself out here, sort of like standing naked for all to see. :help!

Thank you for listenting!

Best

[lushy]

I Need Stregnth!

Best, I am so sorry you are sad right now, but you know what? I know you can do this. I can hear that you want sobriety much more than you ever want to drink again. Tuck away those guilt feelings from Tuesday night and remember them when you get an inkling to drink. I know in a little while you will be back to feeling happy and stronger!!:l

[shitzulover]

I Need Stregnth!

Hey, don't beat yourself up for just one night....learn from it and move on. what are you doing to help yourself stop? What kind of support, supps, CD's???

[Popeye]

I Need Stregnth!

bestlifeldms wrote: As long as I can remember there has been this empty, sad, place of fear and darkness inside. When I drink it is anesthetized, temporarily. Only to return made worse by the guilt, that I had failed, once again

I could have written that.
It's that sentiment that makes me keep going with this.
I can't understand why we do this to ourselves.
I so want to break the cycle. I will.

[MonaCat]

I Need Stregnth!

Best, if this were easy, we wouldn't need to be here. You have come miles in my mind. Just hop back on the wagon, and be happy it's another new day to be AF's. I'll be sending you positive energy.

[bestlifeldms]

I Need Stregnth!

Thank you, friends! You all mean so much to me! It is hard to admit my vulnerability. I am the pillar of stregnth to those around me. The most self-secure person they know. :no: Not so.

I was AF before for 5 years, from 1988 until 1993, so I know that I can do this, I must do this.

You have helped me already. Thank you! :h

Best

[bestlifeldms]

I Need Stregnth!

Shitzu, I am doing supps, Topa, exercise, and CD's. My CD program is hit and miss, which I will improve and I will be working more outside in the yard, which I love, now that the weather is improving, that will help in the evening. I never drink until then.

My worst problem is when I am alone. Having a hard time with my new life. Having raised 5 children while running my own business, I was always busy. Now my children are raised, sold my business and work for someone else, which I prefer. However, my evenings are free. My house is nearly empty, except for one college age son still home. My husband is gone overnight sometimes.

I used to fantacize about all the "me" things I would do someday when I had time for them but just don't seem to be able to move off the mark. Instead I just have a drink, upon arriving home, if alone, and I am then downhill like a lead sled.

Instead of starting to paint (water colors) again, as in Pre-baby days or take on new land scaping projects that I have already drawn, I simply stagnate. I do what I vowed each morning, after the last slip that I will not repeat again, I waist time through another evening until bedtime, accomplishing nothing. I believe, I just can't stand that there is no activity in my house any more.

I'm sure that is just an excuse because this problem has plagued me since before I even had children. After all, this is total truth here, right? So, as I said, that is not a real reason, just my most recent excuse.

Only solution, no more booze.

Thanks everyone, for letting me purge!

Love, Best

[cassy]

I Need Stregnth!

5 Years Af shows me you can do it again..the first hurdle is getting started.
you sound creative and talented but i guess its hard to achieve something in the evenings when the cravings come in and there is nobody home to be accountable to??

Maybe you need to get cracking on a project ..painting or otherwise that you have promised to complete as a voluntary thing or for one of the kids?

I find i commit to some voluntary stuff at times and it takes my mind of wanting to self medicate with booze etc.

.. but overall it sounds like you dont like a quiet house and being alone..thats when we have to stand alone and reflect isnt it. ?
i too have always had a busy house and continue to do so,,,sometimes i crave for time on my own..whch i can get in the evenings for a few hours..other times i need company and conversation.

The only thing that works for me right now if PLANNING AHEAD..i know it sounds daft but i plan what i want to achieve each evening..even simple stuff like... a walk, gardening, get to a church activity, see friends, visit famiy...whatever...i try not to just amble towarss the booze cabinet as at present I know that makes you feel out of control and mor elonely.


Here wishing you peace of mind and hope that artistic nature gets motivated! good Luck Cassy

[Guest]

I Need Stregnth!

Best,
Its like we are our own worst sabateur isnt it. I mean, we KNOW how horrid drink REALLY is for us, we know what we risk in terms of continuing.. I mean.. jeepers.. we dont even ENJOY the experience in any way shape or form.. we feel guilty for EVERYTHING... whether we drink or not... ugh...

Certainly your post of honesty would ring true for many here.

Its not as if you dont have any life skills to draw from... your previous sobriety.. your work and family experience.. but the thing that is so hard to pull out of the box is belief in yourself... and thats just so hard.

But it IS possible. That is my truth. Against the odds, you CAN stay strong and focussed and you can turn things around. Dont you ever tell me that that cant be done because my life depends on it.. as does yours.

Dont give up. And I"ll not give up right beside you.

Brigid

[Newyear]

I Need Stregnth!

Best-
I live alone ( +3 cats) and that alone time can be tough. What to do with yourself? There is only so much tv you can watch and sometimes reading a book is just more energy than you are willing to expend. But somehow drinking is an easy alternative.
That was my cycle. Drinking at home alone.
I found that cutting my available drinking time down helped. I have always been a nightowl but started going to bed early and getting up early. That was excessively hard to change for me. I took ( and still take) melatonin to help me get to sleep. But I cut out that time when I sit and think and get depressed and then reach for that 'escape in a bottle'.
You made it sober for 5 years, which is so great, do you remember what you thought about at that time? Did you have any tricks or thoughts that you said to yourself that could help now? I think you really want this- and you can do it too. Remember that this is for you - you are doing this for you.
Here for you :l
Lisa