mae everyone...and how are we today?...for those that had a holiday yesterday did you enjoy it?Itsback to normal now here raining.
Yesterday evening went a wee bit pear shaped for me...was supposed to pick the outlaws up at Manchester airport at 1645...ended up getting there at 1850!!Had to go down the motorway on the ring road...on the way down,apparently someone had committed suicide ..jumped off the motorway bridge so they closed it..had to come off the motorway and go through Manchester city centre...then Julies mum wouldnt answer her mobile..so basically a complete mess up!!
anyway thats done now onwards and upwards!!
Tea and coffee on the go
Morning bear...how are you feeling today? any better? Did you do anything yesterday,or just chill?Well done on a day 17 now :wd:
Evening TT....snow :scratchinhead:whats that all about? I hate typing on this lappy too..bloody spacer bar..oh and it wont spell what I write properly!!So you never had a day orf yest then? take today instead
Evening Mr G..How are we today mate?what you been up to? same as...well done on a day 16 now for you :wd:
Morning ppqp...cuppa time how are you today?No boss 2 weeks ..well there you go..fill yer boots !! have a ball!!So now you are making a pumpkin patch..scary when you think that is only 6 months away!!looking at putting an electrical heater in the greenhouse..so looking at the logistics of that...drilling the wall putting armoured cable in then burying it and external electrical socket....went to the garden centre..got some petunias chrysanthemums,begonias etc..all in all about 60 plants..made 2 pots for the front door,but the garden just ate the rest..Any plans for today? you have a good one
Hi Lav..and hows you today after feeding the 5000..oh and Jimmi the giraffe who was 18 years old..you didnt say he has got his own face book site!!I just typed it in and there it was ..free cake for the kids?......bet you lied about your age to get a freebie !!!:H any plans for today?
Evenin Kuya hows you today?hows the weather doing?did you get all your paperwork sorted out? any ideas what you are going to get for your daughter?as for the food ...doing well on it...walnuts,walnut oil ,soya milk fish,oats...never had my oats so much!!:yeahright: .proof wil be in the pudding in a months time..to be honest tho ,I enjoy it..otherwise it would be pointless...hows your health doing..and fags??
Morgen ltlw.....how are you today?New England in the fall..thats on my wish list before I leave this planet!!...dont forget the pics ..trade you for pics of Menorca. Just booked next years long haul holiday..Thailand Cambodia and Vietnam...was a toss up between that or South Africa...get it done while we can!!Yep your plants should be ok..how long are you away for?
Sounds pretty good on the work front....not so good on the al front though!Cmon you can beat it!!
Hiya Cinders...how are you today?apart from working like a trojan...you do realise you have fallen into a mantrap?hubbys going to be "poorly" for a good while now You might be busy,but have a good one...
right folks thats it time to go ..take care and have a great day
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, ?Sir, is that your wife??
?Yes.?
?Did you hit her with that golf club??
?Yes. Yes, I did,? the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
?How many times did you hit her??
?I don?t know. Four?five?six?put me down for a four.?
Q:*What?s brown and sticky?
A:*A stick.
A man walks into a music store to buy an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he discovers that he forgot his wallet. But instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.*
The cashier spots him on the way out and yells, ?Hey! Is that a record in your pants??*
The man replies, ?Well, I don?t know if it?s a record, but I haven?t heard any complaints.?*
It was this little girl's first day at a new school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.
She replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"
And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.
After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
Grinning from ear to ear, the girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!"
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.
As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.
She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart.
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?"
"Well, no," she admitted, "But no one at home wants to sleep with me."
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the result to the woman.
The result read, "Buy a television."
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 100 and that continues for a year. Suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 75.
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 50.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me Rs. 100 every day, then Rs. 75 and now only Rs. 50. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
The Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband : Turn on the blender
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day...
Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love. Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Turn on the blender.
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye. The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him, "Son where is your mother?"
Son: "I do not know, she went out with blender...
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am... a stunt driver?"
Someone was at a party when he started boasting to the local journalists that his command of English language was better than that of the average journalist's.
An editorial writer didn't take too kindly to that and said, "Well, I'll bet you $100 that I can stump you."
"I accept your wager," he said.
"I'll bet you can't use the word 'because' three times consecutively in a sentence. That is my challenge!"
After thinking for a moment, he replied, "You cannot end a sentence with the word because because because is a conjunction. You lose."
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Morris, an 82 year-old man,*went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.''
A senior citizen*said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'*
'Yep!'*
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'*
'This woman, is she good looking?'*
'Not really.'*
'Is she a good cook?'*
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'*
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'*
'I don't know.'*
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.*
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'*
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.?*
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'*
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'*
'Coming up,' says the bartender*
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'*
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'*
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.*
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma 'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'*
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"*
The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby."*
"Really," says the first guy.*
"Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!
A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?
Airline Safety
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Yesterday evening went a wee bit pear shaped for me...was supposed to pick the outlaws up at Manchester airport at 1645...ended up getting there at 1850!!Had to go down the motorway on the ring road...on the way down,apparently someone had committed suicide ..jumped off the motorway bridge so they closed it..had to come off the motorway and go through Manchester city centre...then Julies mum wouldnt answer her mobile..so basically a complete mess up!!
anyway thats done now onwards and upwards!!
Tea and coffee on the go
Morning bear...how are you feeling today? any better? Did you do anything yesterday,or just chill?Well done on a day 17 now :wd:
Evening TT....snow :scratchinhead:whats that all about? I hate typing on this lappy too..bloody spacer bar..oh and it wont spell what I write properly!!So you never had a day orf yest then? take today instead
Evening Mr G..How are we today mate?what you been up to? same as...well done on a day 16 now for you :wd:
Morning ppqp...cuppa time how are you today?No boss 2 weeks ..well there you go..fill yer boots !! have a ball!!So now you are making a pumpkin patch..scary when you think that is only 6 months away!!looking at putting an electrical heater in the greenhouse..so looking at the logistics of that...drilling the wall putting armoured cable in then burying it and external electrical socket....went to the garden centre..got some petunias chrysanthemums,begonias etc..all in all about 60 plants..made 2 pots for the front door,but the garden just ate the rest..Any plans for today? you have a good one
Hi Lav..and hows you today after feeding the 5000..oh and Jimmi the giraffe who was 18 years old..you didnt say he has got his own face book site!!I just typed it in and there it was ..free cake for the kids?......bet you lied about your age to get a freebie !!!:H any plans for today?
Evenin Kuya hows you today?hows the weather doing?did you get all your paperwork sorted out? any ideas what you are going to get for your daughter?as for the food ...doing well on it...walnuts,walnut oil ,soya milk fish,oats...never had my oats so much!!:yeahright: .proof wil be in the pudding in a months time..to be honest tho ,I enjoy it..otherwise it would be pointless...hows your health doing..and fags??
Morgen ltlw.....how are you today?New England in the fall..thats on my wish list before I leave this planet!!...dont forget the pics ..trade you for pics of Menorca. Just booked next years long haul holiday..Thailand Cambodia and Vietnam...was a toss up between that or South Africa...get it done while we can!!Yep your plants should be ok..how long are you away for?
Sounds pretty good on the work front....not so good on the al front though!Cmon you can beat it!!
Hiya Cinders...how are you today?apart from working like a trojan...you do realise you have fallen into a mantrap?hubbys going to be "poorly" for a good while now You might be busy,but have a good one...
right folks thats it time to go ..take care and have a great day
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, ?Sir, is that your wife??
?Yes.?
?Did you hit her with that golf club??
?Yes. Yes, I did,? the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
?How many times did you hit her??
?I don?t know. Four?five?six?put me down for a four.?
Q:*What?s brown and sticky?
A:*A stick.
A man walks into a music store to buy an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he discovers that he forgot his wallet. But instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.*
The cashier spots him on the way out and yells, ?Hey! Is that a record in your pants??*
The man replies, ?Well, I don?t know if it?s a record, but I haven?t heard any complaints.?*
It was this little girl's first day at a new school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.
She replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"
And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.
After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
Grinning from ear to ear, the girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!"
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.
As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.
She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart.
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?"
"Well, no," she admitted, "But no one at home wants to sleep with me."
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the result to the woman.
The result read, "Buy a television."
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 100 and that continues for a year. Suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 75.
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 50.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me Rs. 100 every day, then Rs. 75 and now only Rs. 50. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
The Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband : Turn on the blender
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day...
Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?
Wife: At home love. Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Turn on the blender.
Wife: (turns blender on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Husband: Ok my love goodbye. The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him, "Son where is your mother?"
Son: "I do not know, she went out with blender...
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am... a stunt driver?"
Someone was at a party when he started boasting to the local journalists that his command of English language was better than that of the average journalist's.
An editorial writer didn't take too kindly to that and said, "Well, I'll bet you $100 that I can stump you."
"I accept your wager," he said.
"I'll bet you can't use the word 'because' three times consecutively in a sentence. That is my challenge!"
After thinking for a moment, he replied, "You cannot end a sentence with the word because because because is a conjunction. You lose."
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Morris, an 82 year-old man,*went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.''
A senior citizen*said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'*
'Yep!'*
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'*
'This woman, is she good looking?'*
'Not really.'*
'Is she a good cook?'*
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'*
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'*
'I don't know.'*
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.*
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'*
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.?*
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'*
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'*
'Coming up,' says the bartender*
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'*
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'*
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.*
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma 'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'*
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"*
The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby."*
"Really," says the first guy.*
"Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!
A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?
Airline Safety
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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