Wednesday AF 29 May

[learningtolovewinter]

Coffee anyone?
Everyone must be busy this morning....

[Mick]

Wednesday AF 29 May

NOT IMPRESSED!!!!did a long post this morning..just checked and it isnt here......aaargh I aint posting it again !!! morning everyone ..start searching the ether,theresaload of jokes just gone west!!!

[YoungAtHeart]

Wednesday AF 29 May

The site seemed to be down for a while this morning; at least I was not able to even access the site. Hopefully this will post.

Anyway, this will be quick, since I have someone coming over to do some work for the dance club this morning and I have to get ready.

Hang in there bear. Did you let your guard down after the stress of dealing with the big one over the weekend? Sometimes we deal with the big things okay, and then the little stuff comes in and wipes us out.

Nice to see you Det!

I miss your jokes this morning, Mick! :upset: I do understand your not wanting to recreate your post, though.

Have a great day, all to come!

:l
YahYah

[Lavande]

Wednesday AF 29 May

Good late morning Abbers

Glad to see the website back up & running, missed it with my coffee this morning.

We will just imagine how awesome your jokes were Mick :H :H

My dance card is full today with trips to Curves, supermarket, work, baking for a bake sale & doing my best to avoid being dragged into any childcare duties today :H :H

Nice to see you LTLW, Mick, YahYah & everyone. Have a great AF Wednesday!

Lav

[Mick]

Wednesday AF 29 May

just managed to get back on here...site isnt playing very nice today....yah here you go..

A gay deer walks out of a bar and says "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks"

That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.

If you've ever thought women are the weaker sex..

You've never tried pulling the blankets back to your side in the night

Husband: "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
Wife: "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"

Did you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom?

He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.

If a threesome is with 3 people...

If a threesome is with 3 people and a foursome is with 4 people I can see why they call you handsome.

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.
As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The baby balloon tries to get into bed, but mummy balloon and daddy balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to daddy balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mummy balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed.
The next morning, baby balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mummy and daddy balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry.
Daddy balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'


You know what West Virginians say about dating, don't you?

The closer the kin, the better the skin.

Seamus was hammering the cladding onto the walls on one side of the house, while Patrick was doing the same on the other side.
After a wee while Seamus begins to notice that Patrick was swearing away a good deal more than he usually did, so he decided to wander over to the other side of the house to see what was wrong.
"Hey, Patrick, what's troubling you so mightily?" asked Seamus.
"Well, you see, it's these nails," said Patrick, gesturing towards the bucket of nails sitting beside him. "A lot of them are faulty. When I pull one out, half the time it's facing the wrong way."
"You idiot, Patrick!" said Seamus. "They're for my side of the house."

A six sided man walks into a bar and orders a gon.
The bartender says, "What the heck's a gon?"

I think my luck is getting worse.
I was mugged by a Quaker.

I needed some milk this morning

So I went round to my neighbours and asked them for some through the letter box.
"We're all out," they replied.
"Fuck off," I said. "I can hear you in there."

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

So a ship is sinking and the captain radios for help to a near by ship, which happens to have a German captain. He says, "Help! We're sinking, we're sinking!"

To which the German captain replies "vat are you sinking about...?"

New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.

You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady
asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

A bear and a rabbit were taking a crapin the woods. The bear looked at the rabbit and said "do u have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?". The Rabbit said "no, why?". So the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him.

St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.
The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I only got 7 shots."
So the Paramedic steps up, "I can do this." He gets into CPR position, "1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... 1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... Nope, CPR only goes in rounds of five."
The firefighter reluctantly goes next... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10"
"That's amazing!" St. Peter declares, "You're the first all week. Can you count any higher?"
"Sure, 10, jack, queen, king."

Chantelle has 756 friends on Facebook. She adds 122, what does she have?

Huge boobs

[learningtolovewinter]

Wednesday AF 29 May

defeated

Bad news, back to day one.

Young at Heart sums up my situ: Sometimes we deal with the big things okay, and then the little stuff comes in and wipes us out.

Got through the two mornings of workers stomping around upstairs from 6am and then yesterday just sort of fell apart. 'Who cares' were my thoughts all afternoon. How many more new things can I take? I won't go on about it. (I had to go to a school I will teach a workshop at in the summer yesterday and got ENTIRELY lost. I gave myself over an hour to get there and ended up 10 minutes late. I had to ask them to help me to get home, as I was so turned around in my head I had no idea where I was. None at all. Pretty embarrassing. What is worse, when I did get home I was only 15 minutes away!!!!!!!)

I am just going back to counting the days. Somehow I know I will feel better about myself tomorrow?

[learningtolovewinter]

Wednesday AF 29 May

Yup, the site is acting weird. All my subscribed threads are gone as is my request for a shorter user name. LTLW, just in case it happens at some point? Ugh. Feeling miserable today guys.

[Lavande]

Wednesday AF 29 May

LTLW,
I have learned so much in the past 4+ years hanging around MWO. One of the most important things I've learned is this: Nothing changes if nothing changes!
As long as we feel free to attempt to drown our sorrows & right all the wrongs in the world by pouring AL down our throats, we will remain addicted.
Adopting a zero tolerance policy towards AL is a must!!!
Do anything else ~ just don't drink! Drinking solves nothing & people are still going to be assholes whether you drink or not
Letting go of the need to fix or control things, people & situations is a big, big part of alll this.
Focus on YOU & only you & ignore everything & everyone else. Spend a few minutes several times/day just being quiet & mindful - let the rest go. It really works with some practice

[bear73]

Wednesday AF 29 May

hey all - great advice there LAv, which I will be taking as well - time to sit and just be and to stop controlling everything - or feeling I need to.
I think I did get through the mega pressure evening and had no energy left/was ill - I let my guard down.Zero tolerance - I like that.

Feeling coldy still and tired so sofa and cats and tv this evening - feeling bluesy - PMT this week and feeling anxious about work. I always feel anxious about something and now am directing it towards new job. Toying v idea of seeing a counsellor again to get a handle on anxiety but not sure I want to start again, leaning more towards hypnotherapy at the moment.

good evening all

[Cinders]

Wednesday AF 29 May

Wrote this earlier before the site went down and before Mick added his jokes. Leaving as is in case I lose connectivity again.

GM Affers,

I am absolutely not used to seeing such a short post, Mick. It made me feel somehow sad. Really weird reaction, I would say. :-)

Hello LTLW. It is 5:30ish here in Alabama. I have been up since 3:30 due to some family issues with son and wife. "God, Grant me the Serenity..." My heart is breaking but I know I cannot do anything to fix anyone. It is up to them. I can only hold my arms open if they choose to do the right thing.

Let's see, Mick, rather than going out and looking up some jokes, I will tell my old standbys here, I have probably posted these before, if so, ignore:

***************************************
If you want to know who loves you the most, your dog or your husband, lock them both in your car trunk (boot) for 30 minutes. When you open it, see who is glad to see you.

***************************************
From Reader's Digest years ago: A woman drove up in her driveway after work. She saw her dog coming from her neighbors back yard gate. When he came up to her, he had her neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. It was mangled, dirty and dead.

She thought, "Oh no. My dog killed the rabbit!!" She took the dog inside with the rabbit and scolded the dog. Then she took the rabbit and cleaned it up and brushed it so it did not look so ravaged. She sneaked into her neighbor's back yard and put the rabbit back in its cage.

Later that evening, she watched her neighbor drive up from work and go inside.

While she was standing at the kitchen sink with the window open, she waited to see if her neighbor found the rabbit. What she heard was a piercing scream and "Oh My God, it's back." Apparently the rabbit had died the previous day and they had buried it in the back yard.

***************************************

A man and his wife were on their way to a Christmas gala when he noticed a red high heeled shoe lying on the floor of the passenger side. He panicked because he had taken a co-worker home after the office Christmas party the night before as she had gotten very drunk and he did not want her to drive home.

He kept his wife distracted from looking around in the car and thought about how to deal with the shoe so his wife would not find it. At a busy intersection, while stopped at a red light, he surreptitiously distracted her with a commotion on the corner and reached down, grabbed the shoe and casually threw it out the window.

Sighing with relief, he drove to the address of the party and pulled up to the valet parking. His wife started looking around and said, "I know that shoe was here, I had it on when I walked to the car."

***********************************

I must preface this with the fact that this joke is very un-pc. Very. However, it still makes me giggle.

A man sitting at the bar realizes he is very drunk and should go home. He tries to stand up but finds himself face first on the floor and unable to walk. After some effort he decides he will crawl to the door.

Once outside, he realizes he still can't walk but figures he can still get to his house, which is just a few doors down, so he crawls to his house and ends up on the front porch, where he promptly passes out.

The next morning he awakens to his angry wife looking at him. She says, "You got drunk again last night, didn't you?" He replies, "How do you know?"

She glares at him and says, "You left your wheelchair at the bar again, didn't you?"

**************************************

I had to go out on Google to get this one because I couldn't remember it entirely:

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.

The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.

"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

********************************************

Okay, jokes done. I hope I haven't offended anyone and more importantly, I hope I have made at least one of you smile today.

A smile erases a lot of pain.

Today is our day, friends, let's make it count for something good.

Love,
Cindi

[Mick]

Wednesday AF 29 May

I actually wrote nearly the same as Lav to bear this morning..you have got to change your mindset..but to do that you must try ...dont give in because you have had a shit day or the neighbours are annoying you...they will do that whether you drink or not!!that comforter you use when you feel down isnt a freebie...it costs life!if that sounds dramatic just think about it.I found out yesterday my cousin back home is dead..left a lovely wife and 2 kids..just in case you are wondering...he died of alcohol poisoning..he was an alkie, but he was good old John,life and soul of the party ..and then that famous phrase you hear..."he liked a drink..but dont we all"
Enough

[JackieClaire]

Wednesday AF 29 May

Aw Mick, don't normally post on this thread but I'm so sorry for your loss. As you know I lost a cousin to alcoholism (liver failure) in January. Still think of him as the lovely young lad I used to know before alcohol took hold.

[Cinders]

Wednesday AF 29 May

Mick,

Condolences on your cousin. :l:l

LTLW and all struggling, I have to concur with Mick and Lav. Life goes on no matter how irritating it is, whether we are sober or drinking. The difference is, if we continue drinking, we cannot deal with life.

When I quit this last time, it was with full on "I do not care what happens, I will not drink." Zero tolerance.

In AA the other night, a member said he hated it when others he knew just didn't do whatever it took to get and stay sober. One of the other members explained that none of us can make someone else get sober, we can only control ourselves. And, no one is going to get sober unless they are absolutely done with drinking. Absolutely.

This is not me pointing any fingers at all. I have spent an awful lot of time on this site "getting ready to get ready to get sober." I know the feelings and the fear and the ambivalence. I also know that I am done getting ready to get ready. I am done, absolutely.

Love,
Cindi

[porqoui]

Wednesday AF 29 May

MAE ALL....taken me all day to get on and then it's still dodgey as Mick can tell you.

JC...:hallo: Thought I was on the wrong thread! Glad to see you're still checking up on us. Seems to be alot of new people on the Army thread, couldn't keep things straight and didn't feel right just talking to you and Molly. I'll come for a visit soon.

Mick...as JC says, I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. My thoughts are with you. :l Hearing things like this is truly a wakeup call for those who are still struggling. On a brighter note, I have two sets of jokes to read (if the site stays up)! Still raining here but at least the garden plots are still where we put them. :H

Cinders...sorry your heart is breaking but you definetly have the right attitude. That serenity prayer has kept me sane many, many times. Hope your day has improved and you get some rest tonight.

Bear...what's done is done and the bluesy's will pass. I have done exactly the same thing, get through the immediate stress then WHAM! Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with it. We're here for you and with Lav's Zero Tolerance advice we can all do it.

Lav...great advice, I'll take some of it too. :shocked: forgot about "Bake Sale Season". Did you manage to avoid the childcare duties today? Well my left over dirt pile is still there, how's the mulch pile surviving?

LTLW...didn't like the sounds of that title "defeated" but certainly can relate as I mentioned to Bear. When it rains it pours (did I just say that :no! Here's a big Keep It Simple Stupid for you...and going back to just counting the days sounds like a good plan. You will definetly feel better about yourself tomorrow but if you don't, we'll help you get dusted off.

Well, have never replied to the thread backwards before, think it's easier the other way around. Off to dry out the rain soaked shoes. Hope everyone has a great AF evening, Thursday morning, whichever applies....PPQP

[porqoui]

Wednesday AF 29 May

Cinders;1512385 wrote: I have spent an awful lot of time on this site "getting ready to get ready to get sober."

:H:H Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt!