MAE ebberybuddy,hows things today?happy humpday as they say in that wee land over the pond that we gave away in the 1700s :H
Bit blowy over here ,but sun is out so thats the main thing..got my op date yesterday 16th for pre assessment whatever that is, then op on the 24 th, so trying to get as much done in the garden just now before I go to get the arm done.
Right orf we jolly well go..coffee on the go ..no one seems to bother with tea so lets sack it!!now on cup 2 of coffee.
Evening TT ..hows you today?well here you go ..in my car yesterday it was 30 degrees!!..it was a wee bit hot,yes it is all relative, considering our temps are usually a lot cooler and wetter than this.You can always tell Brits abroad on holiday...somewhere in the case is packed the fleece or jumper or dare I say the pac a mac :H "just in case".
Still feeling on a downer?..truthfully bottom line is only you can shift out of it..so why not do something daft ,something that will make you laugh or move you on out of it?just anything
Got to agree with Lav here ..life can be boring..after all, each night ends with sleeping each morning starts the same..its how you fill the in between bits that counts you can easily get into the here we go same old same old thinking..thats when danger appears.
Hiya Lav ..hows you?wow thats some course..hope she does well tho it seems a lot to take in..whilst little grand daughter will be twisting granny round her little finger!!Here some sunshine ..you can repay in about 4 months when its bloody freezing over here!!!
Sounds like a nice little cottage industry you've got there..couldnt keep away could you?even after all those years youre still sewing n stitching !!!have a great day..that is after this brew Ive made.
Morning ppqp..hows you today..quick jump on the brew bandwagon ..its just made...just made and stained 2 fence panels yesterday to replace the broken ones at the side of the greenhouse,pretty sturdy ones so they should last..Look forward to seeing your pics of the garden.
your quote ....I can tell when I've been slacking off. Why is it we'll do things to make us feel better and when we do feel better we stop doing the things that made us feel that way?
Interesting but true..for instance before I went on holiday I went swimming nearly every day.Was doing minimum of 60 lengths,usually 80-100.and enjoyed it.Yesterday went swimming, and after 8 lengths had a severe dose of CBA,and had to actually force myself to keep going.It wasnt till I reached 21 that I started to enjoy it, and ended up doing 60..that was just due to time, otherwise I would have kept going.Strange isnt it..right nuff woffle...heres one for you..why not,next time you have a bovril , put some turmeric in it? Im always pratting around putting all sorts into mine...curry powder tabasco, Lea and Perrins to name but a few.
Morning Bear ,how are you today?will you defo lose the hen do money?oh well ,at least the temptation wont be there ,and you can always start a treat yourself jar with the money you save on al.
Morning Cat..how are you today ? anything on the planned to do list today?have a good one
Morning Turn ...we re walking on sunshine woo hoo we re walking on sunshine Katrina and the waves 1985?how are you today the "sun bum?":H Felt like someone injected sunshine in my butt!
Morning SF..how are you today?ha you arent used to having no sun? its a way of life here!! when the currant bun comes out over here ,people act all strange!!!Apart from that, hows the af life treating you?
Det my man how is your world today ? all bright eyed and bushy tailed are we? go for it..Nope the horses arent mine, though they do provide a good source of nutrients for my garden!!Be careful with the sushi Det..heed your own advice from the other day...else you may end up with skooshy sushi!!!:H
ok on that note I am off into the garden to do a wee bit, so take care all n have a great day
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
There was a blonde a brunette and a redhead. They were in the church and noticed a pool of water. They asked the priest what the water was for and the priest said ''go do something bad and come back''
So they did and came back the next day and they asked the priest why they had to do that. The priest answered ''When you do something bad,... You come to the holy water and drink it to be forgiven and clean'
the redhead said ''well I Ran over a cat'' and then drank the holy water. The brunette said ''i robbed a bank'' and then drank the holy water. The blonde stared at them and The priest asked ''what Bad deed did you do?'' and The blonde said ''i Peed in the holy water''
A female gynecologist retires and decides to pursue a hobby of hers: auto-tuning.
She gets into a motor repair course in her community college and finishes with an exam.
The community college sends her grades through mail and when she receives them she is very surprised:
-Out of one hundred points, one hundred and fifty? it must be a typo.
She calls the community college and asks for her teacher
-Mr. Shephard?
-Hi, Mrs. Jones, how can I help you?
-Well, I got my grades and it says that out of a 100 points I scored 150. It must be a typo!
-That's no typo!
-What do you mean?
-Mrs. Jones: do you remember the testing procedure? Theorical and Practical?
-Yes, Mr. Shephard, but I still don't get it.
-Well, we started with the theorical: describe how to take apart and put together a motor, you had 50 out of 50...
-... Ok?
-Then there was the practical: to actually take apart and put together a motor, again 50 out of 50.
-Ok, but what about the extra 50 points?
The teacher took a minute to answer:
-Maam, you did all that through the exhaust pipe.
This bum goes up to the man on the street and says, "I haven't eaten in three days." The man looks at him and say, "You gotta force yourself."
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, listening to the next door neighbor?s dog. It has been in the backyard, barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, ?I?ve had enough of this?. She goes downstairs.
She finally comes back up to bed, and her husband says ?The dog is still barking, what have you been doing??
The blonde says, ?I put the dog in our backyard; let?s see how THEY like it?.
During the Depression years, children always found something to do and something to talk about. Those were frustrating years for both the children and the parents, but mostly for the parents. The children didn?t know any better.
One day three young boys were playing, and talking about their home life with their parents. One little boy said, ?It?s about time I be getting home, because if I?m late for supper, my Paw will get mad and whip up on me. He?s a real mean Paw.?
The second little boy said, ?Your Paw ain?t mean, I got the meanest Paw in the world.? The first little boy said, ?How come you say that??
The second little boy said, ?Every time I go home, he slaps me if I say something, and if I don?t say something he slaps me. Man I just don?t know what to do anymore.?
The third little boy said, ?Not me, I got the best Paw in the world.? He plays with me, and do things with me. He?s a real good Paw.?
The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said, ?Do he teach you how to do things too??
The third boy said, ?He sho? do, he?s teaching me how to swim! Every morning he takes me out to the middle of the lake, and let?s me swim back to the shore.?
The first two said, almost in unison, ?Ain?t it kind of hard to swim from the middle of the lake back to the shore??
?Naw, man, that?s the easy part, the hard part is getting out of that sack!?
How To Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat?s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat?s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw .
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse?s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour?s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard?s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
?What are they doing, Grandma?? asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, ?The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.?
?They?re just like people, aren?t they Grandma?? said the little one.
?How do you mean?? asked the Grandma.
?Offer someone a helping hand,? said the little girl, ?and they screw you every time!?
Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
?Who is the most obedient?? he asked.
?Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says??
Five small voices answered in unison. ?Okay, dad, you get the toy.?
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
?The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.?
He continued, ?Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions??
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired ?How much for a season pass??
and finally.......
Dad?s Rules For Your Boyfriend
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you?d better be delivering a package, because you?re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter?s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don?t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I?m sure you?ve been told that in today?s world, s*x without utilizing a ?Barrier method? of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to s*x, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ?early?.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don?t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka ? zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or s*xual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car ? there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
Bit blowy over here ,but sun is out so thats the main thing..got my op date yesterday 16th for pre assessment whatever that is, then op on the 24 th, so trying to get as much done in the garden just now before I go to get the arm done.
Right orf we jolly well go..coffee on the go ..no one seems to bother with tea so lets sack it!!now on cup 2 of coffee.
Evening TT ..hows you today?well here you go ..in my car yesterday it was 30 degrees!!..it was a wee bit hot,yes it is all relative, considering our temps are usually a lot cooler and wetter than this.You can always tell Brits abroad on holiday...somewhere in the case is packed the fleece or jumper or dare I say the pac a mac :H "just in case".
Still feeling on a downer?..truthfully bottom line is only you can shift out of it..so why not do something daft ,something that will make you laugh or move you on out of it?just anything
Got to agree with Lav here ..life can be boring..after all, each night ends with sleeping each morning starts the same..its how you fill the in between bits that counts you can easily get into the here we go same old same old thinking..thats when danger appears.
Hiya Lav ..hows you?wow thats some course..hope she does well tho it seems a lot to take in..whilst little grand daughter will be twisting granny round her little finger!!Here some sunshine ..you can repay in about 4 months when its bloody freezing over here!!!
Sounds like a nice little cottage industry you've got there..couldnt keep away could you?even after all those years youre still sewing n stitching !!!have a great day..that is after this brew Ive made.
Morning ppqp..hows you today..quick jump on the brew bandwagon ..its just made...just made and stained 2 fence panels yesterday to replace the broken ones at the side of the greenhouse,pretty sturdy ones so they should last..Look forward to seeing your pics of the garden.
your quote ....I can tell when I've been slacking off. Why is it we'll do things to make us feel better and when we do feel better we stop doing the things that made us feel that way?
Interesting but true..for instance before I went on holiday I went swimming nearly every day.Was doing minimum of 60 lengths,usually 80-100.and enjoyed it.Yesterday went swimming, and after 8 lengths had a severe dose of CBA,and had to actually force myself to keep going.It wasnt till I reached 21 that I started to enjoy it, and ended up doing 60..that was just due to time, otherwise I would have kept going.Strange isnt it..right nuff woffle...heres one for you..why not,next time you have a bovril , put some turmeric in it? Im always pratting around putting all sorts into mine...curry powder tabasco, Lea and Perrins to name but a few.
Morning Bear ,how are you today?will you defo lose the hen do money?oh well ,at least the temptation wont be there ,and you can always start a treat yourself jar with the money you save on al.
Morning Cat..how are you today ? anything on the planned to do list today?have a good one
Morning Turn ...we re walking on sunshine woo hoo we re walking on sunshine Katrina and the waves 1985?how are you today the "sun bum?":H Felt like someone injected sunshine in my butt!
Morning SF..how are you today?ha you arent used to having no sun? its a way of life here!! when the currant bun comes out over here ,people act all strange!!!Apart from that, hows the af life treating you?
Det my man how is your world today ? all bright eyed and bushy tailed are we? go for it..Nope the horses arent mine, though they do provide a good source of nutrients for my garden!!Be careful with the sushi Det..heed your own advice from the other day...else you may end up with skooshy sushi!!!:H
ok on that note I am off into the garden to do a wee bit, so take care all n have a great day
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
There was a blonde a brunette and a redhead. They were in the church and noticed a pool of water. They asked the priest what the water was for and the priest said ''go do something bad and come back''
So they did and came back the next day and they asked the priest why they had to do that. The priest answered ''When you do something bad,... You come to the holy water and drink it to be forgiven and clean'
the redhead said ''well I Ran over a cat'' and then drank the holy water. The brunette said ''i robbed a bank'' and then drank the holy water. The blonde stared at them and The priest asked ''what Bad deed did you do?'' and The blonde said ''i Peed in the holy water''
A female gynecologist retires and decides to pursue a hobby of hers: auto-tuning.
She gets into a motor repair course in her community college and finishes with an exam.
The community college sends her grades through mail and when she receives them she is very surprised:
-Out of one hundred points, one hundred and fifty? it must be a typo.
She calls the community college and asks for her teacher
-Mr. Shephard?
-Hi, Mrs. Jones, how can I help you?
-Well, I got my grades and it says that out of a 100 points I scored 150. It must be a typo!
-That's no typo!
-What do you mean?
-Mrs. Jones: do you remember the testing procedure? Theorical and Practical?
-Yes, Mr. Shephard, but I still don't get it.
-Well, we started with the theorical: describe how to take apart and put together a motor, you had 50 out of 50...
-... Ok?
-Then there was the practical: to actually take apart and put together a motor, again 50 out of 50.
-Ok, but what about the extra 50 points?
The teacher took a minute to answer:
-Maam, you did all that through the exhaust pipe.
This bum goes up to the man on the street and says, "I haven't eaten in three days." The man looks at him and say, "You gotta force yourself."
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, listening to the next door neighbor?s dog. It has been in the backyard, barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, ?I?ve had enough of this?. She goes downstairs.
She finally comes back up to bed, and her husband says ?The dog is still barking, what have you been doing??
The blonde says, ?I put the dog in our backyard; let?s see how THEY like it?.
During the Depression years, children always found something to do and something to talk about. Those were frustrating years for both the children and the parents, but mostly for the parents. The children didn?t know any better.
One day three young boys were playing, and talking about their home life with their parents. One little boy said, ?It?s about time I be getting home, because if I?m late for supper, my Paw will get mad and whip up on me. He?s a real mean Paw.?
The second little boy said, ?Your Paw ain?t mean, I got the meanest Paw in the world.? The first little boy said, ?How come you say that??
The second little boy said, ?Every time I go home, he slaps me if I say something, and if I don?t say something he slaps me. Man I just don?t know what to do anymore.?
The third little boy said, ?Not me, I got the best Paw in the world.? He plays with me, and do things with me. He?s a real good Paw.?
The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said, ?Do he teach you how to do things too??
The third boy said, ?He sho? do, he?s teaching me how to swim! Every morning he takes me out to the middle of the lake, and let?s me swim back to the shore.?
The first two said, almost in unison, ?Ain?t it kind of hard to swim from the middle of the lake back to the shore??
?Naw, man, that?s the easy part, the hard part is getting out of that sack!?
How To Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat?s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat?s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw .
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse?s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour?s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard?s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
?What are they doing, Grandma?? asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, ?The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.?
?They?re just like people, aren?t they Grandma?? said the little one.
?How do you mean?? asked the Grandma.
?Offer someone a helping hand,? said the little girl, ?and they screw you every time!?
Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
?Who is the most obedient?? he asked.
?Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says??
Five small voices answered in unison. ?Okay, dad, you get the toy.?
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
?The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.?
He continued, ?Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions??
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired ?How much for a season pass??
and finally.......
Dad?s Rules For Your Boyfriend
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you?d better be delivering a package, because you?re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter?s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don?t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I?m sure you?ve been told that in today?s world, s*x without utilizing a ?Barrier method? of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to s*x, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ?early?.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don?t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka ? zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or s*xual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car ? there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
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