I wish you drank

[FlyAway]

These were the words my husband said to me a couple nights ago. "I wish you drank." How could anyone possibly wish that?

How has my not drinking negatively impacted his life? We have had booze in the house since Day 1. I have never denied it from him. I have never asked him to quit. I have never made a negative remark to him about drinking. I have gone to bars with him. I went on a beer crawl with him and his friends. I went on a brewery tour with him. We spent an entire day of a week long vacation touring 6 different breweries. I have been his designated driver. And I have seen the light and will never go back.

I have often wondered why whenever I tried to quit in the past (and this time too) he'd suddenly come home with a huge bottle of my favorite vodka, even after I told him I wanted to quit and knowing he doesn't drink vodka. I have wondered why time after time and even after a year and a half sober he will still try to get me to drink alcohol when we're out at a restaurant. "Are you sure you don't want anything? Just take a sip." I have wondered why he won't ever say that I don't drink alcohol. He acts like this is a phase I'm going through.

I sat in stunned silence after he said that, the remark stinging like a slap across my face. How could he ever wish I was back to blacking out 5 nights a week? How could he wish that I was drunk every night? I still don't understand. And I still feel incredibly hurt, confused, and sad. There are lots of things that I could wish for, but being a drunk isn't one of them. :upset:

[YoungAtHeart]

I wish you drank

I'm so sorry that he hurt you so badly, FlyAway. I could speculate on all the reasons why he may prefer that you drank, but I think that if you can stand it, you might want to ask him just that. Tell him you want to understand why he feels that way. It sounds like you have really gone way out of your way to make sure he suffered no discomfort because you stopped drinking, and it sounds like you are very proud of yourself and happy with the choice you have made. Only he can answer that question though.

:l
YahYah

[Byrdlady]

I wish you drank

I'm sorry to say this about the man you love, but he is very selfish. I was going to call him a selfish bastard, but decided to tone it down.

My hubs came rather close to saying that to me one night...he asked me, 'why don't you just tell people the truth about it? I wish you COULD drink like a normal person'.

I was stunned at this....I said, 'well I wish it, too....maybe your THIRD wife will be a better fit'. He knew he'd pissed me off!! This is quite a journey, isn't it? I think my hubs said that because he felt uncomfortable for me (I'd like to think that, anyway). It would have made HIM feel better if I were a normal drinker. I chalk it up to ignorance....ignorance about this condition. This is the same man that packed his clothes and LEFT ME because of my drinking.

I understand your hurt feelings....I couldn't even describe what that felt like other than a sucker punch to the stomach. I moved on....my quit is totally up to me and that's the way I look at it. Good thing, too, huh?
I'm sorry that happened.....Byrdie

[treetops]

I wish you drank

I am very sorry for you my dear and all I can really say is that you are doing the right thing. My partner is really glad I don't drink but he can still say cruel things Many people feel threatened with radical change and having the other half go AF is just that. It says m about them than you. Removing the third part of the m?nage a trois (Or at least your half of that third) can shift some of the dynamics in the relationship.
personally I would not go on a pub crawl and I would not always be available to be the DD - but that's just me.

Just focus on your health and sobriety and the wonderful changes you have made. :

[Lavande]

I wish you drank

So sorry FlyAway, we just don't always get the support we expect or need at home, do we? I understand quite a bit of that myself.
You have gone out of your way to make him feel 'comfortable' but it doesn't always help, I know that too.

This is the primary reason I stay connected to MWO & all my like-minded friends here. I know I can receive unconditional support here, you can too

[Kradle123]

I wish you drank

Hi Fly,

I have a slightly different take on your husbands attitude though I wish he hadnt been so...crude about it.

I just got back from the girls open house at school where my ex best friend ignores me ,along with her husband but I had to watch my girls hugging their twins, saying ' I love you , Sista!!' and swearing not to let the rift between Our families keep them apart..it was horrible. And to make it worse, one of the twins told me that her mother told the that she thought they (my girls) were rude and a bit crazy when they got together... Are you kidding me!! :eeks:.'

also that I sent this text with a swear word in it!!!

You have to understand that Kristen swears like a sailor, worse than me!! and she took pride that our twins were so 'wild' together because she saw it as being so full of life, so happy...she said this many times to people ...

We spent years , our familes together, yes, drinking together but also supporting each other and now that we have stopped, she has become...this...whatever the hell 'this' is... :upset: I am so sick tonight. How awful of her...

So do I wish she were drinking? Yes in a way I do. That sounds awful but who she has become ( she also has become fanatically religious) is so twisted. Beyond twisted...

I thought we would get sober together, support and love one another- instead she does this...so, I'm sorry. I wanted her sober and still my friend not sober and a religious fanatic who hurts my children...

I can't help letting my head go to what ifs..

I can't speak for your husbands motivation and I would NEVER say this to Kristan but I'd be living if I haven't thought it...

Sorry for the rant. I truly just want to add a dimension to all this...i hopebit helps a little. But I agree he should never have said that... :h

[available]

I wish you drank

Fly

I read your post this morning and it has taken me all day to reply I was so upset for you and so angry at your husband. I would personally ask him why he made that comment when your life is so much better without AL. I dream of getting to the time you have been AL.

People get off other drugs and get praised for what they achieved and how hard it must of been but us alcoholics there is an attitude of like "that was easy to give up, just have a couple".

One thing, have you told him what it feels like to you when you were drinking, maybe he will apologise and understand. Thinking of you and hugs.

[Rusty]

I wish you drank

Fly-:l Your post spoke to me wholeheartedly because I was just telling my friends on the Spring September Abs Thread that I was distancing myself from my sober-for-a-decade friend who still offers me a glass of wine when I go to her house.:l
She saw me drunk several times, and one minute, she would angrily say, "You have to quit. Admit you're an alcoholic and that you can't stop once you start," and the next time I would see her, and we would go out to lunch, and I would order ice tea, she would browbeat me and say, "WHY DON'T YOU WANT A GLASS OF WINE?!!!! "

I have wondered why time after time and even after a year and a half sober he will still try to get me to drink alcohol when we're out at a restaurant. "Are you sure you don't want anything? Just take a sip." I have wondered why he won't ever say that I don't drink alcohol. He acts like this is a phase I'm going through.

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think your husband thinks that after a certain amount of sobriety time, that you can go back to normal drinking....with him. Maybe he misses his drinking buddy (you) and he feels guilty and uncomfortable drinking without you. With regard to my friend, I think she's testing me to see if I'm strong enough to say "no" and then is secretly disappointed and puzzled when she loses the bet because I CAN and DO say "no, thank you, I'll have sparkling water."
Fly-ABSOLUTELY ask your husband why he would ask you such a thing. He is probably just ignorant, so I would probably give him the benefit of the doubt, but you still deserve an answer. Just my two cents.:l When you get the chance, drop by our thread and say hello, it's always good to see you.

[retteacher]

I wish you drank

Fly: I don't usually get around to all the threads, but yours sparked me. I can't fully understand the motivation behind your husband's remark, but you just have to keep your sobriety a #1 priority. My husband is a very light drinker, only drinking when we go to someone's home who is serving it. He rarely drinks more than 1-2. Also, he goes to Alanon which is a help for him to understand this disease & cope w/the changes to our very long marriage (41 years) that have taken place since I got sober. I suspect that your husband's resistance to your sobriety might be about the change in you...namely that you are now more able to speak up for yourself in a coherent manner. My grown daughter is quite resistant to admitting my alcoholism (she thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill), & this has to do w/some denial she has within herself. She'll have to work that out for herself.

I do not keep alcohol in my home. We used to have it here for non-alcoholic guests who came, but I relapsed last year, & we poured it all down the drain. For me, having booze here would be playing w/fire. We do have wine for guests but throw it out when they leave. That's what works for me. The beer tours & pub crawls would not be on my agenda, as that would be too much of a temptation.

Take care of yourself. Don't feel like you have to justify your abstinence. I suspect your husband's attitude is about him not you. Stay strong.

Mary

[K9Lover]

I wish you drank

What is it he misses exactly?

[bear73]

I wish you drank

:lFlyoff'

I don't know what to say,and am on day 6 of umpteenth attempt so not in a position of any knowledge here.What I have noticed is that my OH seems to miss his drinking buddy, that we drank a LOT when we first got together - he still drinks but tbh has an 'off switch' that I lack. I have involved him in discussions. I think cos I don't very often drink now/as much as previously (when i have failed attempts) he doesn't see my drinking as causing bad probs(compared to his ex anyway)I've also involved him in the 'should I/shouldn't I' and how stressful it can be socially for me as I used booze as a social lubricant. so he has a skewed view of me AF as I have probably easily shared negatives and not positives.
I asked him if he would mind if I went AF for good - he said no,so long as it didn't affect his drinking and I didn't expect him to stop.Well I wouldn't expect that.

This is very rambly - you have tried as hard as anyone could to make this easy for him.
Maybe you could tell him the effect his words had?I don't think people realise all the time/dislike change/feel a big change in habits is an implied criticism of them (see this all the time with people sabotaging weight loss attempts - let alone an addictive drug that is socially seen as almost compulsory in the UK!)

Take care and keep strong - put yourself first.

[little beagle]

I wish you drank

I am so sorry. Working that hard on something and then having someone wish it away. I know how difficult it was for you. Especially in the beginning. You show huge determination. I could not do the activities with my hubby like you do.
He misses his partner in crime. My daughter and I have talked about the reason a spouse would not support something so positive we do for ourselves.
You are an inspiration to me.

[FlyAway]

I wish you drank

Thank you all so much for your replies. I needed someone to vent and talk to about this. My husband and I work pretty much opposite shifts for most of the week and I haven't had more than a few minutes here and there to speak to him. Tonight will really be the first time I'll be able to spend any time with him.

His comment threw me into a deep depression this week. Funny how our thoughts can dictate our emotions. I need to get better control of that. I have been wallowing in this low funk all week.

I'm not sure where my husband falls on the alcohol spectrum. He's not as bad as I was. But he drinks every day. Usually 2 drinks or so, sometimes more. But when he gets with other people he will drink until he can't speak properly, gets the hiccups, and will end up vomiting in the middle of the night. Good times. /sarcasm

When he made the comment he was telling me how good a beer tasted. He has started homebrewing and was quite happy with how his beer turned out. I guess he was disappointed that I wouldn't taste his beer. The funny thing is that he doesn't realize I would probably think it tasted revolting. I think of Jason Vale talking about how we have to acquire a taste for alcohol because it tastes awful. I think I have lost my "acquired" sense of taste. The smell alone makes me want to retch. And when he drinks bourbon I can't even stand the smell of his breath.

Byrdie--a sucker punch is a pretty apt description of how I felt. Like all of the air was knocked out of me by the person I expect to support me the most.

Lav--You are right, this is the only place I'm going to find support from people who truly understand.

Yah Yah--Most likely we will talk about this tonight. I need to make it perfectly clear to him how important this is to me and that this is forever.

Treetops--I think you're right that by quitting I've put the spotlight on his drinking (in his mind) and have changed the dynamics of our relationship.

Kradle--It sounds like Kristen has become judgmental since she quit drinking. I've been trying very hard not to be that person with my husband.

Available--"People get off other drugs and get praised." So true! Who would expect me to resume smoking a cigarette or two after quitting because now I'd have control over it? No one thinks of alcohol as a drug.

Molly-I was definitely my husband's partner in crime. A lot of our history involved drinking, although it's not the only thing. I can't imagine how pained you felt when your husband said he was unlucky! That's awful.

Rusty--Your friend sounds very passive-aggressive. I think I'd have to distance myself too. My husband definitely misses his drinking buddy, although I've tried to make it as easy on him as possible.

Rett--I'm sure you are right, this is really about him and not me. It's sad to me that people are so ashamed of the label "alcoholic" that they'd rather just deny and keep the status quo. As Available said, you get off other drugs and you're praised and a hero. You admit to having a problem with alcohol and you're a pariah.

K9--No clue! :H We still have a great time when we're together.

Bear--I used booze as a social lubricant too. That's why I initially started drinking. However in the end I was drinking at home at night alone. Not too social, huh? Since I've quit I've made peace with being the person I am. If I'm not "fun" enough for someone else, that's their problem.

Beagle--Thank you for your kind words. During my first failed attempts at quitting there was no way I could do these things either.

Thanks again to all of you. I hope I didn't miss anyone. I think I'm slowly pulling out of this depression. I know I can count on someone being here to listen. :l

[available]

I wish you drank

Fly glad to see you back and still strong in your beliefs. I smoke and everyone says give up smoking (which is my next step) but no one has said give up drinking, you drink too much. I shake my head at that. I Hope the chat went well and he finally understands where you are at. You dont deserve to be depressed when you have achieved so much. Go girl and give him hell if he keeps on about it

[retteacher]

I wish you drank

Fly: I'm hoping you've stuck w/your conviction that your sobriety is a #1 priority. My husb did not know the extent of my drinking, as I hid it very, very well. When I relapsed last year & started the whole cycle over again, I think that finally convinced him of my alcoholism. Also, he goes w/me to open AA meetings & hears other peoples' stories. I hope all is well. I think about you. Mary