MAE all ..well weekend is upon us ...and how are we all? upside downies hows your Saturday been?Weather isnt too bad over here so going to get the garden tidied up its getting past its sell by look with autumn in..
Went swimming yesterday ..really pleased with meself ..did 100 lengths of the pool non stop..well 102 but hey ..2 for the queen!!felt it when I got out ..but it gives you that sort of satisfied feeling
Next job coming up will be the greenhouse, once my toms are finished ..theyve got another week to shape up ..else. Decided yesterday that I am going to have a go at fitting and building a kitchen next year ..oh boy!!!that should be interesting..already decided what we want so give it a go.
Evening TT how was sunny Saturday for you? did you do anything or was it lazy day .com?
Hiy Lav ..big coffee for you..Im on number 3 already!!!Ill come over and build you a greenhouse!Any plans for today?Iremember when Iwas younger people used to say the time flies by as you get older ..jeez doesnt it just ....gotta make the most of the party while we are still at it!
Hiya Pauly glad to see you and well done for keeping it together ..must be hard but :goodjob:you know where we are.
Hi Yah ...how are you? the guy next door to me used to be into stained glass ..made all sorts of windows etc and celtic designs ..pretty good .Hope you enjoy your weekend.
Hiya Det ..sounds like you are having a ball good on you buddy
On my travels early doors tomorrow but God willing will jump in at some stage..big shout to those not here Cinders ppqp etc
Take care all cya
Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.
"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.
"Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid.." Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.
BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try; push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!
"That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage: "For Christ's sake David!! You've shit the bed again!!!"
The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.
Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"
They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too much over God, you even found a wife named Penny, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The third man turns to his wife and says "Fanny, I think we're in trouble."
Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn?t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, ?This duck ain?t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin? license, boy?? The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, ?This ain?t no Kentucky duck. This duck?s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?? The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain?t no Tennessee duck. This here duck?s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin? license??
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly ?Just where the hell are you from? ?The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said ?You tell me, you?re the expert!!?
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, 'No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on me mind at the moment.'
A young woman was excited for her parents to meet her new boyfriend. They made arrangements for him to come over for supper, which was to begin at 6:00 on a Wednesday evening.
6:00 on Wednesday comes around. No boyfriend. Fifteen minutes pass...then another fifteen...then another hour...then another. Finally, the boyfriend shows up at the house, a whole two and a half hours late. He shows up on a very loud motorcycle which wakes up the whole neighbourhood. He is dressed in leather from head to toe, is covered in tattoos, real biker type. The parents are nonetheless patient and are willing to be polite to him despite him showing up late.
However, the boyfriend's manners are terrible. During dinner, he openly declares that the food is awful, swears and makes crude innuendo throughout, makes a pass at his girlfriend's own sister, and chews tobacco at the table. The way he eats his food, you would think he was raised in a barn. Despite all of this, his girlfriend seems to be completely infatuated with him.
After supper, his girlfriend asks her parents what they think of him. Her father says, "Well, to be honest with you, dear...he's not very nice." "But daddy!" she says, "If he isn't a nice guy, then why is he doing 6000 hours of community service?"
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.
So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy sigh.
Seeing as this man needed someone to talk to, I then approached the man. We talked about his work, his kids, and other stuff; you know typical guy to guy chit-chat.
We had more drinks, the guy started to become more drunk.
He started crying and talked about his problems;the dickheads in his work and how everyone hates him in the work place.Turns out he was big time. CEO of a well known oil company.
What I could not forget, was the conversation before he passed out from being too drunk.
"My wife made a millionaire out of me, " he said while sobbing like a baby.
I said, " But dude, isnt that like, a good thing? What were you before?"
"A multi-millionaire," then he passed out.
Went swimming yesterday ..really pleased with meself ..did 100 lengths of the pool non stop..well 102 but hey ..2 for the queen!!felt it when I got out ..but it gives you that sort of satisfied feeling
Next job coming up will be the greenhouse, once my toms are finished ..theyve got another week to shape up ..else. Decided yesterday that I am going to have a go at fitting and building a kitchen next year ..oh boy!!!that should be interesting..already decided what we want so give it a go.
Evening TT how was sunny Saturday for you? did you do anything or was it lazy day .com?
Hiy Lav ..big coffee for you..Im on number 3 already!!!Ill come over and build you a greenhouse!Any plans for today?Iremember when Iwas younger people used to say the time flies by as you get older ..jeez doesnt it just ....gotta make the most of the party while we are still at it!
Hiya Pauly glad to see you and well done for keeping it together ..must be hard but :goodjob:you know where we are.
Hi Yah ...how are you? the guy next door to me used to be into stained glass ..made all sorts of windows etc and celtic designs ..pretty good .Hope you enjoy your weekend.
Hiya Det ..sounds like you are having a ball good on you buddy
On my travels early doors tomorrow but God willing will jump in at some stage..big shout to those not here Cinders ppqp etc
Take care all cya
Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.
"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.
"Well..." says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid.." Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.
BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try; push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!
"That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage: "For Christ's sake David!! You've shit the bed again!!!"
The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Harry the age of his new bride to be.
Harry proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in this December."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's later years to be happy ones, the banker tactfully suggested that Harry should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Harry thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Harry in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Harry proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advise had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Harry said, "She's pregnant too!"
They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too much over God, you even found a wife named Penny, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The third man turns to his wife and says "Fanny, I think we're in trouble."
Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn?t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, ?This duck ain?t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin? license, boy?? The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, ?This ain?t no Kentucky duck. This duck?s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?? The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain?t no Tennessee duck. This here duck?s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin? license??
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly ?Just where the hell are you from? ?The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said ?You tell me, you?re the expert!!?
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, 'No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on me mind at the moment.'
A young woman was excited for her parents to meet her new boyfriend. They made arrangements for him to come over for supper, which was to begin at 6:00 on a Wednesday evening.
6:00 on Wednesday comes around. No boyfriend. Fifteen minutes pass...then another fifteen...then another hour...then another. Finally, the boyfriend shows up at the house, a whole two and a half hours late. He shows up on a very loud motorcycle which wakes up the whole neighbourhood. He is dressed in leather from head to toe, is covered in tattoos, real biker type. The parents are nonetheless patient and are willing to be polite to him despite him showing up late.
However, the boyfriend's manners are terrible. During dinner, he openly declares that the food is awful, swears and makes crude innuendo throughout, makes a pass at his girlfriend's own sister, and chews tobacco at the table. The way he eats his food, you would think he was raised in a barn. Despite all of this, his girlfriend seems to be completely infatuated with him.
After supper, his girlfriend asks her parents what they think of him. Her father says, "Well, to be honest with you, dear...he's not very nice." "But daddy!" she says, "If he isn't a nice guy, then why is he doing 6000 hours of community service?"
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.
So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy sigh.
Seeing as this man needed someone to talk to, I then approached the man. We talked about his work, his kids, and other stuff; you know typical guy to guy chit-chat.
We had more drinks, the guy started to become more drunk.
He started crying and talked about his problems;the dickheads in his work and how everyone hates him in the work place.Turns out he was big time. CEO of a well known oil company.
What I could not forget, was the conversation before he passed out from being too drunk.
"My wife made a millionaire out of me, " he said while sobbing like a baby.
I said, " But dude, isnt that like, a good thing? What were you before?"
"A multi-millionaire," then he passed out.
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