mae everyone....late start for me ..well not really..been up since silly o clock..but been working in the garage and the garden..its like a summers day today..beautiful. Been doubling the garden with manure ..big crops next year hopefully
right on we go tea n coffee
tt how are you doing?hows your day been ..in the stunned mullet school of acting?
Hiya Pauly ...how are you today ?glad you had a good day with your daughters yesterday
Hiya Yah....big smiley face and how are you today?..In this world of claim and blame..people are always trying to see what they can get...Had a few of them in my last job too..used to really p me off ..where theres blame there's a claim ....grrr
Dont know if you have them over there ,.but over here you get loads of people on the streets stopping you ...ever been involved in an accident etc....My line used to be ..when they came up to and go "accident?" my reply always was "no its always been done deliberately!"get some cracking looks. Glad your business is doing so well for you
So Downton Abbey has a rival for a serial!!!
Hiya Sam ..how you today? same as over here.....your insurance gets banged no matter what!!
Hiya Lav ..and how are you today?well done yesterday ..retrievers up and dressed and kids walked before 9 well done you..heres a coffee..looking forward to the chick pics...that sounds dodgy!!!!
Lots of deer over here too there seem to be plenty of them ..monkjacks they call them
Hiya Det...stay strong mate you are doing absolutely brilliant..when you are ground down and tired thats when the drink devil sneaks in ...but you know that anyway.
right peeps time to go ..you take care and have a good one.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.
After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too..?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
If two pharaohs farted at the same time
They would have a toot in common
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.
I bought some powdered water
I don't know what to add.
So there is this blind rabbit hopping around the jungle when he trips on a snake. The rabbit says , 'Oh im so sorry sir, i didnt see where i was going because I am blind'. The snake says ' Hey its ok , i understand , I am blind too'. So the two strike up a rapport and get a few drinks and are talking. 'It sucks , being blind', says the rabbit, ' I don't even know what i look like'.
So the snake says ' hey no big deal , why dont i feel you up and i can tell what you look like. so they both agree and the snake starts feeling up the bunny. "hey you are all furry" , says the snake , " and u have long ears and a small tail, small feet. Hey you know what you must be a rabbit. my mom told me about them , they are really cute."
The bunny is really happy. He's like wow, he gets a warm fuzzy glow and all that. So he goes, 'hey why dont i return the favour and feel you up'. They agree and the bunny starts feeling up the snake.
So the bunny goes ..." lets see..'you have a scaly skin, you have no heart, no balls, you have a forked tongue...
"ah, I get it now.. You are a lawyer. "
From The Washington Post
Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
Smartarse answers by students..
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
right on we go tea n coffee
tt how are you doing?hows your day been ..in the stunned mullet school of acting?
Hiya Pauly ...how are you today ?glad you had a good day with your daughters yesterday
Hiya Yah....big smiley face and how are you today?..In this world of claim and blame..people are always trying to see what they can get...Had a few of them in my last job too..used to really p me off ..where theres blame there's a claim ....grrr
Dont know if you have them over there ,.but over here you get loads of people on the streets stopping you ...ever been involved in an accident etc....My line used to be ..when they came up to and go "accident?" my reply always was "no its always been done deliberately!"get some cracking looks. Glad your business is doing so well for you
So Downton Abbey has a rival for a serial!!!
Hiya Sam ..how you today? same as over here.....your insurance gets banged no matter what!!
Hiya Lav ..and how are you today?well done yesterday ..retrievers up and dressed and kids walked before 9 well done you..heres a coffee..looking forward to the chick pics...that sounds dodgy!!!!
Lots of deer over here too there seem to be plenty of them ..monkjacks they call themHiya Det...stay strong mate you are doing absolutely brilliant..when you are ground down and tired thats when the drink devil sneaks in ...but you know that anyway.
right peeps time to go ..you take care and have a good one.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, do you mind if i buy you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.
After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too..?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
If two pharaohs farted at the same time
They would have a toot in common
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.
I bought some powdered water
I don't know what to add.
So there is this blind rabbit hopping around the jungle when he trips on a snake. The rabbit says , 'Oh im so sorry sir, i didnt see where i was going because I am blind'. The snake says ' Hey its ok , i understand , I am blind too'. So the two strike up a rapport and get a few drinks and are talking. 'It sucks , being blind', says the rabbit, ' I don't even know what i look like'.
So the snake says ' hey no big deal , why dont i feel you up and i can tell what you look like. so they both agree and the snake starts feeling up the bunny. "hey you are all furry" , says the snake , " and u have long ears and a small tail, small feet. Hey you know what you must be a rabbit. my mom told me about them , they are really cute."
The bunny is really happy. He's like wow, he gets a warm fuzzy glow and all that. So he goes, 'hey why dont i return the favour and feel you up'. They agree and the bunny starts feeling up the snake.
So the bunny goes ..." lets see..'you have a scaly skin, you have no heart, no balls, you have a forked tongue...
"ah, I get it now.. You are a lawyer. "
From The Washington Post
Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
Smartarse answers by students..
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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