AF sat 23 November

[narilly]

AF sat 23 November

Thanks Sunshine, Lav, thanks for your words of wisdom. I know it is crazy. I still think I can have one but then I can't stop.

So I made Rice Krispies and ate about 10 squares. Now it's 9:48 pm and no drinky poo. Thank goodness.
Tomorrow is Grey Cup, our big football
final in Canada.in the past I usually celebrate this occasion with drinking. Some years I have gotten drunk of course.. No drink tomorrow. It will be at my in laws and they like to drink a lot. There will be pressure to drink but I am gonna say NO. I have to drive.
This website is awesome. You guys help me not drink, I guess it's because I feel some level of accountability to you all.
Thank you :h

[TheSunFlower]

AF sat 23 November

I never want "one". What will creep up from time to time....is having one night to cut loose out on the town.

I was digging through some old pics and there are pics of us doing just that. Cutting loose having a good time out on the town. But I can't be both people. I can't be who I am now....and that person that I was. Not even for one night. I know where it leads and it leads to a person I don't like very much.

Sometimes I miss those nights. But, I also remember how some of them ended....not so pretty. The next day sure wasn't pretty.

So I choose the person I am now. The person I am now is not worth giving up...for one night of what I think I recall as fun.

I don't think I could even choke down a beer now....and no sense in giving it a try

[Determinator]

AF sat 23 November

sorry all, in a dreadful mood. 15 hour work day on a Sat and I'm really depressed. just not happy with where my life and work is going. could be due to the fact I've bee sick and overworked for sometime as my dear wife is telling me, but I'm just in a very dark unhappy place. sorry to be a downer. must do some introspective work here....

be well everyone....

[TheSunFlower]

AF sat 23 November

Det...I am sorry you are so down. I am collecting my thoughts and will reply shortly.

[TheSunFlower]

AF sat 23 November

Yes...the introspective work. I was finding myself in that dark ocean in June. I was floundering about my life in general....and in every aspect. Finding myself feeling very small in the big picture of things.

I really needed to pick apart what I believed and what I liked in my life. Hard determine when darkness was surrounding me....and bleeding into almost everything. At least when I was drunk....I really did not have to think about all that stuff.

I don't have any really good answers. All I can say is I went off on a journey. Not in the physical sense....but, the deeper crap that goes with me....wherever I go. I am still wading through the thick of it. But it is the inside work that can take me to the darkest of moods.....to unravel to see a glimpse of understanding.

Your job has to be tough being away so much. I get a sense that what you really dislike about your job is being away from Dx. Sometimes I make things way more difficult than they need to be. I see people changing the course of their lives all the time....with jobs, relationships, outlook on life. Sometimes the change in course seems so small it is hardly noticed....until 3 years later they are flourishing in a new life.

So I work to steer my tiny raft in the direction I would like to head....even though I have no idea exactly where it is that I want to land. Its the journey they say.....but, dang it....I want to be on my island of happiness yesterday. I want all the answers delivered to me in a nice neat e-mail from the universe. But, it doesn't work that way.

I read a little book called "Row, Row Your Boat". Instead of fighting the current to force things....I drift along making the smallest of course changes....and they do add up. But I am nowhere close to having anything figured out.

Hope you feel better soon. Get some rest. The above is really me just talking to myself. Sometimes I find out....I am not the only person in the world that has no idea where she is going

[treetops]

AF sat 23 November

Det - you sound clinically depressed. And the illness and long hours will be compounding it. If I recall you have a pretty good relationship with your GP - might be time to re-look at options to help you in this quagmire. Better to reach for help in that direction before other liquid options creep back in. You need some fairly immediate help - and then you can assess things perhaps in the way SF suggests.
Just my suggestions and of course you know whats best for yourself.

Lots of hugs and take care.