Ladies on a Mission Week 3

[available]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

MAE lovely ladies, glad to hear everyone is doing well. I am glad we are coming into our summer albeit it slowly.

Today marks day 8 af and it is a good feeling I must say. I agree with you Humble I dont feel the need to drink to deal with issues. Stress is a big factor for me but I will not give anyone the satisfaction of getting me to pick up a glass.

Oh i am a private secretary at a hospital guys and work in the neurology section. I did have ambitions to be a nurse but i cant handle bodily fluids or blood for that matter. I get to see all the ETOH people who have seizures caused by AL. Scary stuff and of course i thought that would not happen to me. A colleague I work with says constantly "oh another alkie" and I think to myself, if only you knew you worked with a functioning one.

House is clean, I am loving the motivation now. My daughter came over yesterday and stated that she had no cleaning to do as the house was clean. That made me feel pretty proud, the motivation to be organised has been lacking for a long time.

I watched "flight" yesterday and so very moving, a great movie and I love Denzel Washington. Today I have downloaded Smash so it will be a lazy day for me as it is Sunday.

So glad all you lovely ladies are doing well. Life is feeling pretty amazing today.

I will not drink today.

[patrice]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Hi Girls,
Well I made a bad choice last night, I went to the store and got a bottle of wine and drank most of it.. I don't feel great today
Why did I do it? One reason was that my son was away for the night ( first time I have had a night on my own all year) and I felt a bit of freedom... but then I chained myself to a bottle so that wasn't freedom, was it. Another reason was a bit of both boredom and loneliness..I couldn't seem to settle or do anything and I started thinking well my boy is away but I didn't have anyone to go out with or much to do (apart from more chores) and then I started questioning what I was doing in this country far away from all family and friends.. the answer is always the same.. an economic necessity, I wouln't be here if I didn't have to, so then I felt trapped
I tried to rationalise with myself that this was only the second time I had had a drink in 2 weeks ( the last time being the Xmas party last week)... so much better than a few weeks ago when it was most nights. But I really couldn't rationalise it or accept that because as I was thinking I was pouring more wine..it wasn't just 2 units of Al, it was most of a bottle and that's a binge.
I've got a heavy heart today and feel depressed, but I just have to go through that and become stronger.
I listened to that interview on women and alcohol and it totally resonated with me. I just poured out the rest of the bottle ( there was a glass left), I won't wallow I will just keep doing this.
Today I am going to do some serious research on the idea of gratitude and mindfulness
Take care ladies, I'm inspired by your collective strength and this at least has stopped me from saying F%% it and taking more backward steps.
x
Patrice

[available]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Hi Pat, sorry to hear about your slip, so easy to just have that drink and then we have to deal with more emotional shit the next day, that is what stops me from even contemplating it. Trapped, alone, bored, stress, all triggers for us alkies.

You will get there dont lose faith. You posted straight back on here that is a positive. Me i drank and ran away and drank some more. Stay strong.

I have to take my son to the shops to get his meds and he says "mum i will get you a bottle of wine for doing this". he knows i have stopped drinking. My answer was "no not unless it is 6 bottles of wine, a bottle of scotch and a bottle of vodka". I think he is testing me and those two letters put together are hard to say sometimes but I did.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Well done Pat for pouring the last glass away.....that is harder than it sounds, but means you will get right back to business and keep on trying - never give up and one day you will win...:l:l

[patrice]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Available and SL thank you..
Those triggers will always be there like you say Ava.. I have to find the strength to deal with them.
Yes SL.. actually it was hard to pour that last glass away
I'm back to business and enjoying all your successes.. it really does encourage me that I can too
Thanks again
x

[patrice]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Available.. Well done for putting those two words together.. you really are rockin'

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Available and Patrice - thise two words are so hard - I have been out in the stores today and wine has been everywhere with lots of folks in the holiday mood, and it has been so incredibly hard to stay on track. I need to find time to listen to the interview and hope that it shores me up again. I will make 30 days, I know I will manage that at this point, but I am sad to say I am thinking about what happens next.
I know what the answer should be, but there is an option, and taking the right road will be tough. I have a week to go, and the struggle is already going on in my head - I woke up this morning thinking well will I or won't I ......
I am afraid I am resentful of those who can drink one or two glasses and stop - and I am not happy that I am resentful....
We are here to keep each other going - I am inspired by everyones strength, each of us has something to offer......

[available]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

SL i personally hate people that can drink and stop, god why can they and i cant. FFS how hard it is? Why cant i moderate? Why do i have cravings/desires and "normal' people dont. Why sometimes do i just want a taste, just one tiny taste but I know if i do it will feed the beast that is sleeping.

Are you resentful of models with their hourglass figures and looks? I just think "bitch" so just think of all those so called normal people as bitches and i am sure they have plenty of problems of their own that we would not like to have.

I no like us all that i cannot drink, does not mean to say that i cant be pissed off about it but as i keep saying to myself "today i will not drink".

SL the right road is really about living i am learning. i dont want to die young, i want to see my grandchildren born, i want to see them grow up but I also want to finish something finally that i have started and be proud.

We all give each other strength to continue, i dont want to let myself down or anyone else and that keeps me determined.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Pat, I can totally relate to what happened to you. Being bored, lonely, son not home. What else are you gonna do right? Glad you stopped and are back.
I felt the same way the other night. I think that's where a plan comes in and also being aware of your triggers.
Loneliness and boredom, those are two of mine for sure.
Gals, let's get through this crazy holiday season, sober and AF. We can do it because we Don't drink!
I went to SMART today and, well, I don't know if it's for me. There were all kinds of addicts there, drug, sexual, gambling etc. I think for me, I need a women's group, whether it's AA or SMART or whatever. People who I can relate t a bit more. I will keep looking for a group that works for me.

You ladies are great though. I love reading your posts.
I'm babysitting my niece and nephew right now so I will post later.

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Good Evening, Ladies--

I am sorry to hear of everyone's struggles this evening. If I may be so bold, because I am not struggling atm (don't worry, I'll be here when I am as well!), I'm going to give some thoughts on what you are saying from my work with my counselor.

First, the thing that feels different and so much more relaxing for me this quit is that the option to drink is off the table. I have hit my bottom. When I think of last weekend, I know that I can't ever drink alcohol again. I didn't drink and drive, get fired, puke on my boss or anything like that - I just drank more than I should for a longer period than normal and got lost in a fog for the weekend. Coming out of that fog was one of the most painful things I've done. I was so panicked that I was considering asking my husband to the hospital (psych ward, that is).

My therapist and I were talking about how you know you're an alcoholic - the drinking goes from the drinker being in charge to the alcohol being in charge. That last day - the alcohol was in charge. Each night when I "drink too much" and make a fool of myself, or suffer from a hangover and miss my kid's baseball game, the alcohol is in charge. Well, I can't let the alcohol be in charge any more. I can't let the alcohol be in charge and keep the life I want - with my kids, my husband, my job. As LifeChange posted, I have the power over alcohol as long as i have not taken a drink. When I take a drink, I will have given the power over to alcohol. Just like Available doesn't want to give the power to her boss, I don't want to give the power to alcohol. I'd rather be in charge of my own life.

This realization and acceptance has given me "mind peace" that recovering alcoholics talk about. I have stopped the chatter because I have taken the choice off the table. Like a spoiled child, if I keep giving in to alcohol, alcohol will wine louder and louder to get control. The choice is not there, so I don't have to constantly debate myself, measure my drinks, wonder if I'll drink too much, count an hour between drinks, etc. Think how much more brain space I have to do other things!

All of that being said, I know that I am only on Day 6. I know the honeymoon will end, I'll get blindsided by a craving, I'll feel sorry for myself (as I did this morning), whatever. So as a safeguard i will continue to read and post here, create an alcohol-free plan for myself every day, keep the phone numbers of certain people close, and hang tight with you ladies to get me through.

Phew - that was as much for myself as it was for you all. If you made it to the end, thanks for listening. I'm going for the record - most words posted on MWO in a week!

Stay strong, ladies. WE CAN DO THIS!

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

How's that for a typo - "alcohol will wine!" Oops.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Great post pav and so true, i realise i have to take drinking out of the equation completely. i told my eldest daughter today that it had been 8 days since i had had a drink and i would not drink until my birthday in April. i wont drink in April either but it gives me a goal. I know my kids are supportive but i dont think they realise that i can never ever drink again. i now realise that and boy has that taken me about thirty years to get into my head but as you say i wont give AL the power anymore, i want to be be me again.

i bet i out post you ha ha, forget facebook give me MWO.

[patrice]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Pav.. thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.. to be honest I really don't think I have taken the idea of not drinking off the table and I realize now I must.. As you can see, I have been here a long time and during that time have taken huge strides in bringing my Alcohol levels way way down to the point where no, I didnt drink everyday, never had more than a bottle, had weeks, days, weekends without.. all quite successfully. I kind of liken it to the analogy of not jumping from the 12th floor.. slowly over the last 3 years I have stepped down gradually to where I find myself on the first floor and all I need to do is get to the ground now.. that is proving hard for me, I have to admit.
I now need to take that last step but for me is the hardest...
Narilly.. yes boredom, loneliness ( although mostly i am fine, mostly happy and ok.. it's just those times.. and this season is one of them!)
But with your support and my own strength.. I will do it
Thanks Gals
xx

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Nicely said Patrice - I have come so very far, changed so much - but never again, that last step seems such a long way away - I know I need to make that choice, but I haven't and not sure how to actually do that because I don't really want to......I have not found the strength to push that last button!

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission Week 3

Oh and by the way - well done on getting to a week J-vo, and today here still (yesterday for you now) Available, you also have a week under your belt! Good going ladies!