Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Goodnight gals.

Sorry to say I drank on the weekend. I knew I was going to and didn't take enough steps to stop it.
I wrote a long post and deleted it by mistake.

Pav, giraffe, j-Vo, thanks for thinking of me.

J-Vo, everyone, hangovers Still Suck.

I have to figure out how to rewrite my brain and kick this thing.

NS, the blog site you posted is awesome. I am going to listen to it when I walk to work.

I am feeling embarrassed that this happened but I know I can only keep trying.

Love you girls.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Oh well Nar shit happens doesnt it and you farked up but back to it. Lol loved the "hangovers suck", i always wonder if they got better after awhile not drinking but obviously not.

Funny if we get it into our brain we stop posting on here also. To state the obvious i am sure if i didnt come on here over this holiday i surely would have drank. Thank god for technology.

You will get there lovely and think of all the af days you have had thus far and that you would not have had if you were not on mwo. If i was not on here my af days would be, oh somewhere near zero.

[giraffe1234]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Nar, you have been such an inspiration to me. I'm sure you will deal with this setback. Sending positive thoughts to you and a big hug.

NS and Pav, glad you enjoyed State of Wonder. I will definitely put Bel Canto and Shooting the Boh on my to-read list.

Off to Kruger Game Park for Easter, leaving Thursday - I'm taking Signature of All Things with to keep me company. This will be the first time I'm going to camp with annoying people (ready bratty kids) WITHOUT the support of a bottle of vodka in my bag. I'm not sure how things will go; also taking my camera and new flash to play with or hide away with when things get too much for me. I'm going to miss the comfort of the bottle, though - I know it, and I'm trying to prepare for it as best I can.

Lots of love and hope everybody has a good week.
xox

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Morning ladies,

Up a little earlier than usual as I have to go in and do lots of copying. If I wait until normal time, there's a line at the copy machine!

Nar, how can we help you sweetie? I know when I slip, it seems as though I snap and there's no stopping me. I get into this crazy state and can't rationalize. I have made myself promise I will call one of you girls when/if I get to that point unlike I avoided last slip-ups. Like Ava said, don't discount any of the days you've gotten by coming here. You've done so well and that can never be taken away!

[giraffe1234]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J-Vo, thanx, I know precisely that horrible feeling of slipping and losing control altogether. With me too, there's no stopping me. Lately it's been happening to me with food, but I'm starting to identify the patterns and situations that lead to the slip.
I will make sure to keep myself occupied. I'm also a keen birder (more enthusiasm than knowledge, but still); so I'll be glued to the binocs and birdbooks as well.
Thank you for thinking of me and being there for me - LOAMER support goes a long way with me!

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi, J-vo,

I don't know how it works on the website. I download the podcast and then it can be fast-forwarded. I also use rewind a lot when I didn't quite understand what they meant.

This particular podcast talks about how becoming completely AF does often involve varying periods of sobriety with intermittent drinking events for many people and that this is progress. However, he also discusses how the drinker's brain cannot really be "fixed" if there are episodes of drinking. It makes me think that what we're doing here - aiming for abstinence but when failing in that, getting right back to the program, is the best approach. He also discusses the importance of social connection and support. It made me feel really good about what is going on here.

scottish lass;1648644 wrote: ....no cravings but lots of longings, a cold one would have been so good.What a perfect distinctions, SL, and good job on not going for the easy, immediate reward. A craving is physically uncomfortable while a longing truly is just in the mind. It is easier to change our thoughts that aren't accompanied by actual discomfort.

narilly;1648655 wrote: Sorry to say I drank on the weekend. I knew I was going to and didn't take enough steps to stop it.

Narilly, I'm sorry you decided to drink. Your posts about a week ago about your drinking pattern suggested you were not ready to commit to being 100% AF yet. You were happy about not having a hangover, not about not drinking. I didn't see any posts from you during the week about how you were going to avoid drinking this past weekend and it wasn't too surprising when you didn't post at all until last evening.

I was going to say something earlier but have been a bit burned by a couple recent responses to my comments about what I'm observing so I'll ask you straight out: do you want straightforward talk about what seems to be going on? At the moment I'm not interested in putting myself out there if someone doesn't want the help.


LC, I know you feel like you need breaks from technology but I'm concerned. If an online group is your main or only support system, you've got to use it. Please let us know you're ok.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi loamers

Just my 2cents worth, i totally agree with NS, leave here and we are doomed to drink even if it is eventually. If this is our only support then we need to utilise it.

This is my AA, i am here twice a day, i need accountability, i need not to let others down who have been supporting me, i am in early sobriety at 4+ months, i realise all of this. If i wanted a drink that desperately over in thailand i would have been on here as my sobriety is the most precious thing in the world apart from my children. I want the life i am living now, i dont want what was in the past to be my present every again.

Lav and Byrd are on here daily, ever single damn day and if i can be sober still in 4+ years time and all it means is checking on here then that is what i will do. I fucking hate al, i hate what i became drinking, i hate that i have lost memories of my past life, i hate that i became an alcoholic but i did and i cant change the fact that i will always be an alcoholic but i can not drink again.

I am having the best time with my mum. We laugh, we joke, we chat, we sit in silence enjoying each others company. This is always how i wanted it and guys it was me that was preventing it, always thinking of how she could have been a better mother, how my life could have been better. Well she did her best, just like i have done with my children. She was right when she said i was very bitter years ago and its not rocket science as when i drank i spewed forth all the anger, hurt, pain and bitterness. This holiday there is no need, we love each other deeply and basically because i am a different person without al being poured down my throat.

Oh NS im okay thanks. Im off to bangkok tomorrow so not sure about internet but i will check in on wifi if i can ever understand a password that someone tells me.

take care lovely ladies and please be strong. we are a great group of women who care and support each other, dont drift away!

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

FFS, it's only 10:30 and I feel as though I put in a whole day. Just wanna piggy back on a few things.

Ava, first, I'm so happy to hear about you and your mom's relationship and this healing time.

I was thinking yesterday (hmmm...can lead to good or bad) that I missed so many years of my life being drunk, not being the best I could be. I got angry at one point, then let it go as there's nothing I can do except make sure that I don't anymore and be grateful nothing happened like me hurting someone while drunk driving or ending up in jail. I can know now that that will never happen and I'm grateful for each day, even Monday morning at 4 a.m.!

NS, I'll try and download that. Thanks.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi - all, its before 8am and I feel like I have put a full day in. Daughter at airport, wiating for flight - I am back home feeling "funny" - other one still asleep.
j-vo - I do like one AF beer, did not see any yesterday - maybe not Rodeo drink?? I will be thinking of you and your kids at the game.
NS - big difference between longing and craving for sure.
Nar - so sorry...
I also feel that this is a lifeline - I do try to check daily, times that I haven't have not been good for me - at one point I did think that I was focusing so much on drinking that it made AL centre point of my life in merely a different way than before - but feel that I need this...
See you later all...

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

AF wines and beer

I had convinced myself that I drank wine for the taste, the health benefits, all that BS.

One time when I was home alone for a few days (with home and alone being the almost exclusive conditions under which I overdrank), I recreated my pattern of drinking with AF wine.

I spent quite a bit of $$ on the wine, trying to buy something that wasn't absolute swill. I wouldn't say it was great but it wasn't overly sweet and it probably had a better taste than the crap I was buying in a box at the grocery store towards the end.

It was a really interesting experiment. In none of the situations (sitting on the porch watching the sun go down, at 4 pm while working on a fun project (after not having eaten for several hours), while cooking dinner, in the tub with candles and music) did I finish even one glass. When I poured it (into the same type of glass I typically drank from), it looked like so much. I remember that when it contained AL, it always looked like not enough, even when it was full.

I ended up dumping out each of the glasses I tried to drink, with no sense of wasting it or feeling like I didn't like it - I'd just had enough. I suppose that is how other people, who are not addicted, feel about dumping out or leaving behind a glass of wine.

Anyway, it convinced me that I drank wine not for the taste or the health benefits or for the air of sophistication I guess I was hoping it conferred --- I drank to get buzzed and mostly, to check out.

While I was doing this experiment and drinking the AF wine, I kept thinking how much more I enjoyed my AF alternatives. Since I don't try to appear to be drinking AL in social situations, I doubt I'll run this trial again - I'm pretty happy with things as they are now.

xx, NS

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

You kind of were there, Jane :l. Everyone I've met and everything I have learned while I've been associated with this forum are always with me now. After telling the truth to all of you, I'm no longer able to lie to myself. To channel Toby Keith, it occasionally occurs to me that I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then but.... those days are over. I know my drinking days are done and I'm glad.

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Ha! Sneaking in here again as the kids have a short assembly!

NS, liked your experiment. Atm, I'm trying to reduce caffeine and drink lots of plain water. With the AF beer, one is so satisfying, but having more than that is not. I like the taste of AF beer compared to AF wine because I don't like drinking sweet drinks. But you're right, NS. I can compare my drinking one AF beer to a normal drinker drinking a real beer. They can be finished after that one or two. I cannot ever. We were at dinner the other night, DH had a beer and I a nonal beer. The guy at another table got up and left a good swig or two in his glass in wine. That would have never, ever happened with me! And I'm feeling confident that I will not have to think about that anymore. But I do agree that we need to come here at least once a day. Being connected on a daily basis is what keeps us going and accountable, even when we're not drinking we need to be accountable for where our thoughts are and what's going on inside our minds so that we don't end up in disaster land. I love the convenience of this forum, the endless support, and giving to others. It's such a big part of what I believe recovery is about or whatever we want to call it.

Nar, maybe we should talk about your goals? Can we help you with them? I know your birthday is in a few weeks, and when DS and DH were getting ready to go away, my mind was falling to pieces before they left. Do you think this could be a part of what's going on, the big 5-0? We love you, Nar, and wanna help in any way we can.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

I was going to say something earlier but have been a bit burned by a couple recent responses to my comments about what I'm observing so I'll ask you straight out: do you want straightforward talk about what seems to be going on? At the moment I'm not interested in putting myself out there if someone doesn't want the help.

Yes, I would like a straightforward talk. I hope that wasn't me that 'burned you'.

I think that I thought I could still drink moderately and that I could have a glass once in awhile and then stop. This was a good lesson to me. I know I have said this before but I really want to commit 100% to being AF. I am going to keep working on it and make some more changes that will help me stay AF.
I have to think about what these might be. I listed to the bubblehour on the way to work, it was about high functioning alcoholics. It really made sense to me. I am going to keep doing that.

I guess I have been in denial about how much this problem really effects my life.

I LOVE the buzz NS, I don't drink because of the taste. That buzz keeps me coming back.

Anyway, I am at work so will check back later.

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi, Narilly

The podcast I've been touting all over the place (just put it in the Toolbox) is the one that aired on 6 April 2014: Special Guest, Dr. John Kelly: Changing the Stigma of Addiction Through Science.

I'd be interested in your thoughts if you get a chance to listen to that one.

I guess because science is my field, evidence-based explanations make the most sense to me. I found this one very, very convincing.

One thing he talked about is needing to learn things for ourselves. So, this weekend has given you an additional piece of information about yourself and that's good.

Take care of yourself, NS

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi, all:

My feeling is that on this thread we have signed up for straight talk - that's the point of being here. There is a reason that when I have drinking dreams I fear coming here most. The power of a sober community is clear in all of the readings I have done. I say let her rip, NS. If people get pissy it is probably because you're making them face the truth. Sometimes I feel like I am too shy to get real with people.

I agree, Nar, that I felt like I could see your drinking coming - I'm not sure why but I think because your post talked about being "mostly" sober and so much happier. It sounded like a bit of a justification to drink a little from time to time. Dangerous thoughts in my world. I didn't listen to NS's podcast but I agree that your ability to come right back here will help in the long run. There seem to be some people on this site who had a good long stretch of sobriety and are having trouble re-committing and coming back here. That's what scares me - I have a feeling that would be me, and I would be down a long and miserable road. So - let us know what we can do to support you! So glad you came back.

I'm with you - it was about the buzz (and for beer and whiskey the taste - but at the end I can't really say Vodka drinks were for the taste...). I see toddlers spinning all of the time, and hard exercise can give a buzz, too. There are other ways we can seek that "letting go" feeling - the problem is that alcohol is so good and quick at what it does.

Giraffe - have a wonderful time. I recommend ear plugs for those "I need to be alone" moments. Very cool that you have that park in your neck of the woods.

J-Vo - that copying line... We could all see that your week alone was going to be tough - now that it is over I am wondering if you can deconstruct what happened. You had a good plan, AB in hand (as I recall), phone numbers, etc. Was the power of habit too strong? I am asking because maybe your experience will help others. That half glass left on a table is what kills me. My DH left half a beer once on the table and a friend who is one of us (but still drinking) said - "what? I've never left a half beer behind in my life." Maybe that is an indicator...

Ava - So glad about you and your mom. It is amazing how much alcohol plays a part in our relationships whether we know it or not. Your being sober on this vacation has helped me tremendously. I am still having (what I will attribute to PAWS or the four month Pink Cloud) irritating alcohol thoughts. I keep thinking - Ava is in Thailand and staying sober - FFS, you can stay sober here. Again - it is the longing, not the craving, so it is a mental game, but I have to stay on top of things or I could easily slip.

Jane - Did the cleanse work for your sugar addiction? I have been a bit food happy lately - I am using it as a reward replacement for not drinking - not a good substitute as it just serves to make me feel yucky. Soon I will commit to working much harder on my food intake but for now, whatever it takes to stay sober...

SL - Do you feel funny because your baby is gone? I love when my kids are independent - but I always feel a twinge of sadness, too.

LC - Where are you??? Star? Humble? Marylou?

OK, I'm off to get some things done (have I mentioned I'm on vacation?) I am staying around home and doing some long put off chores. And then I have booked a 1.5 hour massage - woo hoo!

I'll be around.

xo
Pav