Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

x post, NS. I love your science information - it really resonates with me.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Posting this here - just responded to a pm, and think saying it here too will help.
I had promised to reach out before having one drink - I don't think I am that point, but feel the warnings..."Today I am feeling wary - one of the very few occasions that I drank socially and stopped, and really enjoyed it will occur today - not the drinking, the occasion. I love taking the girls to a special shopping centre in the next town, then we get an early supper - and I always had a glass of wine! Really enjoyed it. I have worked out 100 is this times magic number, so have written it on the back of my hand, and will say a zillion times - there is a voice in my head saying just do it and noone needs to know - but now I have said it here, I can't hide it - so I now know I will be fine :l"

Pav - yes, love the girls being independant - this is the first time she is far enough away that I can't get to quickly or easily...so feeling "funny" - could not find words for it....happy and a little empty...

NS - I have seen so many people hurt here - I am a coward and try to stay where I feel "safe" - I think we need to remember we are a bunch of people with a drinking problem, and likely many other problems - some will want to hear that they don't have a problem, then will shoot the messenger when the truth is told. I have seen people leave when they get upset by responses to their help. I admire you for trying to do the right thing, it takes gut to put messages in email form - I can't do it - I admire you for trying. I also coach my supervisor staff - feedback is your to give, it is not yours to own - you do not own how it is received or what is done with it - you have given a gift, what is done with that gift is out of your hands. I am sure there are many more, like us here on loamers, who greatly benefit and appreciate your words of wisdom...

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

The podcast I've been touting all over the place (just put it in the Toolbox) is the one that aired on 6 April 2014: Special Guest, Dr. John Kelly: Changing the Stigma of Addiction Through Science.

NS, I am going to listen to this after work. I also like evidence based explanations. I am looking forward to hearing it. Thank you for being here.

Interesting how AL just kinda started creeping back into my brain. I think I get cocky after a time of sobriety and think "I don't have a problem". So there has to be a way for me to keep it front and center without having to re live the problem every 3 months. On the blog today about high functioning alcoholics they were saying that they work on sobriety Every Day. Just like us loamers have talked about, coming back every day to keep working on it. Pav, like you said it is dangerous thinking you can have a drink from time to time. I know I was thinking that.

They spoke about change and that Everything has to change when you stop drinking AL. I think I have to change what I think is fun and work on getting more friends that don't drink AL. The woman in the blog said that you can't just quit drinking and keep everything else the same. Things have to change to support your being AL free.
I believe that.
I have made lots of changes and in general was doing well being AL free most of the time but I have to do more. Obviously there is room for improvement.
Thank you for your support sisters- I appreciate that.

On Friday I had 2 glasses of wine and stopped (I wanted more but there was no opportunity). Saturday, we went out for supper with the in laws and I had a couple of glasses there and then by the end of the night I drank a whole bottle at least. There was no stopping me. I thought I was ok the whole time and I wasn't. So much for moderation. Had a hangover on Sunday.

I want to learn from this and not totally beat myself to the ground over it. I just have to make sure it does not ever happen again.

[Starfish1]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi ladies...Still here, just running in circles. Things will slow down in a couple weeks. I HOPE!!! Love to all!!!

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Good to hear from you Star!

SL, you did exactly what we all need to do. You came here, stated your problem and feelings of longing for that glass of wine as it was a positive feeling from before and not a drunken state. So by getting it out, you know you cleared it from the table and can move on. Your daughter is growing up! It is hard that they become more and more independent. I sometimes think back when he needed me 24/7 and the boob was out on demand!

Nar, I'm glad you're discussing this with us. I know your ultimate goal is abstaining, so it's good to work through the bugs as they show up. For working women with good jobs, families like we have, it's harder for us to accept this alcoholic idea. We are highly functioning alkies and how could the rest of our lives appear so good and there be such a thorn in our sides? It's because "denial" is the nature of this disease. It keeps hooking us and reeling us back in for more. And not that we're suckers, we like to remember the "good" buzz that it gives us, that immediate relief, and forget the nasty crap that comes later. I know you don't want to relive this every three months, just like I don't wanna slip every 40 days. But the truth is, you have made progress. You are making progress everyday. But until you let that one "good" feeling that lasts 10 minutes go, reliving it will continue. Starting back at square one mentally is hard. It's like we're in Kindergarten again, and we know we have to get to first grade and on up until we graduate. We have the skills to pass Kindergarten, first, second...so why do we keep wanting to go back with those snotty-nosed kids? It gets old and boring to worry about the same things when we could be challenging our brains with physics! Moving on with new things in life. I don't know where the hell that came from, but I'm gonna go with it. That part of our life is over. It's time to treat ourselves with the respect that we deserve. Love you, Nar.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J-Vo, I was never good at Physics, how about Bio or English 30?

Thankyou, that was a good post, and so true.

I love you too babes.

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Pav, NS asked me a few weeks ago, when the boys went to Florida to break it down, deconstruct what had happened as it might help someone here. I didn't, as I didn't want to think about it. Well, selfish me again. I need to face these challenges head on or I won't heal or progress in my "program."

But where to begin. Oh, the beginning would be a great idea! The weekend before DS and DH left for Florida, I became anxious. I've never been left alone as no one trusted me. I was very low-end high functioning drunk. More like just functioning, barely. Anyhow, the Friday before they left, I was feeling like I wanted to drink. If I drink now, DH won't be surprised if I slip up while he's gone, I thought. Then it wouldn't be a big surprise, because I'd already f-ed up. Saturday came, and I demanded we go out and have drinks. He almost facebooked a few people, and had a few emails and he was ready to make the contacts. I basically threatened him that he would get no sex and that if I wanted them to know, I would call. I was in a very bad state of mind. I didn't want to face anyone or hear anything. I not only drank Saturday, but also Sunday afternnoon. Wednesday was my first real free night, and on the way home from work, I stopped and bought a bottle of wine. First time I'd done that in ages. They're gone. I can do whatever I want - my thoughts. No one can tell me what to do. I'd never been alone before, and this is probably why. I not only drank Wednesday, but Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. They came home Sunday late. I hurt physically from head to toe. I was a mess emotionally, spiritually empty, physically in pain the next week. I was ashamed, as I know I can't moderate. I wasn't even pretending that was the case. I know I'm a full-blown alcoholic, so why did I do that? Because I thought I could be free of real life for awhile. I thought I could take a break from not drinking, and not that I deserved it, but I was going to no matter what. Not feeling good about myself has been a part of me for so long, that I didn't care if I hurt myself in the process, letting any good go down the drain. I've sabotaged myself for so long, it wasn't anything new to me. So I did it one more time. And that's the last time I'm going to sabotage myself. I refuse to believe my life isn't worth it.

Getting through Monday-Thursday was the worst I'd had in a long, long time. I kept telling myself to just put one foot in front of the other, don't look back. So I did. The few slips I had prior to this was nothing compared to what I put my body through this particular week. It reminded me of the bad drinking days, when I hurt everyday, when I hated myself everyday. It reminded me that I never, ever want to go back there to that darkness, living a lonely life of pain. I ate nonstop that week, and smoked cigarettes. I got my head back on straight slowly. By the following weekend, I was feeling more human. I was grateful for yet one more chance at this sobriety thing, the thing I've been struggling with for over a decade. Nothing in drinking is positive for me anymore. Nothing. No buzz. No happy feelings. Just drink and numb. That's it. I don't want any parts of it anymore. I don't want it near me. It's done nothing for me but ruin many years of my life, so I will give it no more satisfaction. I will begin to love myself, become the spiritual person I've always had in me, give to others what I can, and live the way I was instructed to live my life from the big guy upstairs. I won't question it anymore - why can't I drink? I am thankful I had that shit happen to me, because I've never been so determined to turn my head at any thought of al. I have no room in my heart for pitying something that just about did me in. But I also will on my guard, as this is a disease of denial. I will come here and post daily because I'm worth it. You're all worth it to me. So that's my story, very choppy sentences, but just my thoughts coming out as I think them.

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi loamers

interesting read to wake up to, am off to bangkok today so may or may not get to check in.

Thanks for sharing your story Jvo. I think the main thing with drinking is that we also have to realise that we are hurting each other by drinking also and even if it is a couple thats still not the point. The point is we are all in this together, to support each other and when one fails we all feel in some way that we have failed that person also. Could we have done more, could we have talked more openly (doubtful). So before you take that drink think of us loamers seriously before having it.

I have thought of you guys constantly while i have been on holidays. You have all helped me NOT drink, i could not let any of you down after showing support and caring about me as a person.

Chat later.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

j-vo - :l That was brave, thank you.

I am home from shopping trip, and stopped at an upper class grocery store to buy a good supper for the both of us (some treats ), changed the routine and I am safe. Nar one of teh points you made was about keeping everything the same and expecting to change - changing my routinue today helped. Earlier in my journey here I actually changed my grocery store - I am a creature of habit so this was no small feat, had rewards cards and certain favourites I can no longer get - but change is what I have to do - kicking and screaming the whole way. I think it was K9 who talks about having chnaged her furniture around.
I am glad I said it out loud (will in ink) and now that challenge has been slain. (Pav I am also eating too much, started a diet (with j-vo) did well for a while, but back to where I was - so agree, AF comes first and so getting some good supper tonight instead of wine is what it will be.). Day 53 will be a success in spite of all my planning to ruin it
Thanks for being there....as you all were!

[Marylou123]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi Ladies,

A quick check in but I have been lurking.

J-Vo, I am sending you hugs and gratitude for telling your story. I has helped me already. I am steady in my desire not to drink but I have been worrying about relapse lately. Your post was so brutally honest that it brought me right back to those memories. Thank you wise lady!

I started my temporary gig today. So far, so good - mainly spent the afternoon getting hooked up to all the technology. I think I'm going to like being back at work.

I'm feeling blue that my DSD has not called, emailed, texted or anything to acknowledge my dad's death. It's been more than three weeks. She's a 27 yo, married woman with a masters degree in psychology. Even tho I am the SM, I've been with her since she was 4 - my DH had sole custody. Oh well, I need to let go of that negativity and accept that I don't have the type of relationship with her that I had thought/imagined? I had. Okay...enuf of the pity party.

Love you all - can't wait to see the pictures Ava and, great job on your AF holiday.

Love to all - full day of work tomorrow.

Hugs,

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Marylou sorry. It hurts when we do so much for someone who doesn't return the love.
J-vo thank you for talking about your experience.
Ava have a safe time. I am glad you are having a wonderful time with your mother and really connecting with her. Good for you.
NS plain speaking for me please. That's the only way I am going to get any value from your words.
Narilly I am sorry. But so glad you are still here with us. I feel all time af is great. No experience is wasted. If you had to go through that one more time, then so be it. :l
Jane hello my friend.
SL I hope your daughter has a great time.
Giraffe the birding sounds great. I like camping. Especially waking up with no hangover. Enjoy. Pics please.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Been working hard to quell the voices, trying hard to think positively - really struggling tonight. Not easy, really loud voices in my head with so many reasons a drink would not hurt. Reading lots - learning from all of you - aim to win this battle but was so not ready to fight....love you all, thanks for this thread....

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thanks Lil B

I listened tithe blog that NS was talking about. Dr Kelly and The recovery Research Institute, on the Bunblehour blog. It was amazing. He says that 65% of people with addiction issues are able to quit and actually go into remission and stop using.

One thing he says- During Recover we need to aim for progression not perfection. He says that most people in recovery have setbacks but the have less and less as time goes on. Like NS says, it's all based on scientific fact. Very, very interesting.

J-Vo, thanks for sharing. Xo

Mary, sometimes our kids just don't get it. Call mom!

I'm very tired.
Goodnight.

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

You are posting instead of drinking, SL. You will make it through. Look in your daughter's eyes as you eat together and see the person you want to be reflected back at you.

Maybe it is because a day off used to mean a relaxing drink so you want one now - that is just habit or, like you said, longing. Maybe you're missing your older daughter and are a little unsettled about that. After all this time, that registers as wanting a drink - so much easier than facing those feelings.

You'll be ok, SL. You just have to get used to life without that old convenient crutch. You can do it.

Thank you for helping me feel better about things today. xx- NS

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

SL, can you go onto Bubblehour and listen to Dr Kelly? That might really help. You can do it! Don't drink, you will feel like shite the next day. I am still tired from Sat. Yuk