Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Crissed post NS. That's funny.

[daisy45]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

LBeagle, I feel like I just got past a rough one! Holding tight to get my first 30 days in 2 years......your posts always keep me going; thanks!
Our show is tonight - I will be backstage helping get kids on stage at the right time....it is a great, happy show, kids with and without disabilities.....one little boy is singing the Frozen song - he has Downes Syndrome and it is spectacular!
So much is changing for me in a good way......
Had a friend call late last night after a night out - it was yet another eye-opener for why I want a sober life!

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

NS, I LOVE that picture! Hilarious!

Lil B, Loamers...moderation? Uh huh....

You know girls, last time I was on day 54 (which I am today) I knew I was going to drink. In my mind I had been sober for 54 days and, well, I could have a wine or two to Celebrate Christmas. So that is what I did. I did not get carried away but I drank two glasses on day 56. So, of course, I drank the next day, probably 3 glasses of wine. Then New Years, of course. So in February, I drank in Florida and I had such a Hard time moderating. I mean I was gunned, watching Frozen with my daughter at Universal. Holy smokes, they have wine in the theaters in the U.S.! I was so excited, I had 2 at the movie theatre. The next day 4 wines at the fish & chip shop and then brought a bottle home for the hotel.
Then in April, we went for supper and I drank probably a bottle of wine over 3 hours and was drinking shots in the kitchen where my in laws couldn't see me. I woke up hungover the next day.
This all happened when I was 'Not drinking'. I realized I could not go back to drinking after April 11th.

It wasn't the amount I drank so much as the lack of ability to control it once it started. And if I wasn't coming here everyday, that 5 month progression would have happened in 2 weeks.
I am a real light weight, not one of those drinkers who needs alot to get drunk. I can feel it on my first drink no problem. So for me, 4 glasses is DRUNK. I would never have admitted that when I was drinking though.
Anyway, when I look back and see where that one drink will eventually lead me. I have no control over that shite. It is poison to me. I get SO sick, my hangovers are the worst. My brain is too valuable to hurt anymore. I swear, my liver has no idea what to do with AL and just dumps it into my blood stream.

SO, I will not drink, do not want to drink. On Saturday I will tell my girl friends I do not drink anymore because it makes me sick. I am sure they will be fine with that.

Daisy- you mentioned Frozen and it made me think of watching the movie with my daughter in Florida. Glad you are doing so well little Miss Daisy.

Back to work.

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Getting the truth out helps, doesn't it Jane? The only one the lie was hurting was you but that doesn't make it less awful. Alcohol lies to us and makes us into liars. For me, that was probably the worst part. I tend to be very straightforward and direct (in case you haven't noticed ) but my drinking - secretly - made me deceptive, sneaky, and paranoid. Only about this one thing but that seeps into and affects your whole life.

I thought about that just the other day when I was leaving the grocery store where I typically bought my secret cheap wine - as opposed to the 'nice' wine kept in the rack and ran into, of all people, my husband! Now, our town is not huge so you might not think that is so odd but this is a man who does not acquire food. Further, it was ~ 3 in the afternoon and he usually leaves work much later than that. So, we chatted and I teased him that I didn't think he knew where that store was and we both went on our merry ways.

But all the way home I was thinking about how in the old days, I would have freaked out when I saw this man I truly love standing across the parking lot. I thought about how I would have tried to hide my secret purchases without being obvious about it. I would have been frantic inside. I am so grateful to be living an authentic life again.

On the upside, Jane, You're even further past your previous record of sequential AF days than we thought. Congratulations :l.

[Guitarista]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Lol Jane. Congrats to you and Frances on your milestones.

Gr8 post earlier LB!

Dropping in to wish everyone a safe, sober, and magical weekend.

G bloke. x

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

MAE Ladies,

Ok, so I'm coming clean. No, I am not drinking, have not drunk, but my husband is staring at me like, "WTF is wrong with her now?" as i sit here and cry on the couch, or just let the tears fall and not really balling my eyes out or anything. It's just a steady stream of tears. Just started.

I read Pav's post, and the warning signs of "feeling funky, thinking about drinking, and posting less and less are what I'm coming clean about. This week, or even the last two weeks starting with the bs at work and leading up to the last day of work had my mind all over, not at peace, I wasn't giving myself enough time to let things go and these things kept building up inside me. Now I feel, even though it was my last day, that my thoughts are a bunch of jumbled crap and I need to sort them out. I think from the start, I let things that were out of my control (at work) bother me, make me angry, and even though at the time it didn't seem to affect my drinking thoughts, I let it continue until it the drinking thoughts started coming back to me. I'm probably making no sense, because I can't even follow what I''m saying. Let me see if I can condense this and clarify. I let myself stay angry, stay stressed, tried to make things happen that were out of my control, let my mind spiral out of control. And it's effects are showing up right now. Not letting things go, letting things fester is a dangerous place to be for an recovering alcoholic. Very dangerous. So what I read on Ellie's site today is that when we get into this position, when we let these things fester, we need to stop and ask for help. Ok, here I am asking for your help.

Today after work, I wasn't in a festive mood, or I'd have gone to the co-workers house to hang out with the ladies. Yes, they were drinking, but lately, that doesn't bother me much. I've been getting better being around booze, although sometimes I'm not. Maybe it was a mix of knowing I'd feel bad about not drinking while they were, and just feeling the bleh I've been feeling, but I chose not to go. I came home and took a nap. Then I continued to be in a pissy mood, just not myself, hanging out at the pity party.

That's where I am. I feel better that I've told you all. I feel great that I'm keeping in close contact with you. It's making a huge difference this time. Knowing the support is right at my fingertips, knowing you all care so much is what I need and that kinda makes me more misty now just thinking of you girls.

The two things that i have decided will begin my day for the next several weeks are MWO and exercise. After that, it's maybe house to do's, a bike ride, doing what i need to do for work - I like to start planning over the summer because I get bored doing the same old things year after year. Actually, I'll be teaching a drama class and I"ve never taught that before!!!!! I'll be looking for ideas and I can't wait to delve into that. Oops, almost forgot I was sad for a second...that was a nice relief. So I haven't smoked either, have been off the patch for awhile now, haven't touched a cigarette in I guess a few months. I wasn't counting days with that because I don't wanna get my other AF days screwed up.

I'm probably rambling now about nothing. Just the fact that I'm telling you how I"m feeling and how i came to feel this way. I'm recognizing this crappy feeling, and tomorrow I start to get my mind in the right place. I won't let this shit fester in my face and head anymore. Whatever happened, happened. I'm ready to move on.

But really, what you said, LB, about transitions is so true. We all go through them, big or small. And these transitions will always be here, but the important thing is how we react to them. I think I"m in a place that I know for sure that i can't moderate, and if I drink, I'm going back to a really bad place. There's no doubts in my mind about that anymore. But it doesn't stop those drinking thoughts from coming. From wanting it here or there. And I think that's where I am right now.

Jane, I love the shades of mood thing, and if you would do this experiment and show us how long-term sobriety looks over the course of time with colors, I think that would be the coolest thing. I'm such a visual person and that would be incredibly helpful to me. Wow, what a fantastic idea.

NS, I thought I plugged up the little turd, but the little turd spit out the damn pacifier. Oh! There it is on the floor! Hell no I"m not washing it off, just shoving it back in. Loved the pics. So funny!!!!! OMG. These little visuals are just priceless. Love them. And in response to your other post, yep, alcohol makes us liars, sneaky bitches. How many times did I lie about what I was drinking, when I was drinking, sneaking drinks. Way too many. I don't wanna live that way. Ever again.

Frances, I'm so glad you're hanging out with us. You're strength and determination are another wonderful addition to the Loamers. And the fact that you're sharing when you're vulnerable is such an important thing in recovery. I'm learning that right now. It's ok to be vulnerable, but it's not ok to hide it. Hiding it will do none of us any good. IT will backfire. Thanks for your posts.

Pat, 6 weeks of holidays...yep, same here. How will you enjoy your time and how will you keep your vigilance strong? Im with you, as is Pav. We have this unstructured time. This is the first year that I"ll be making something good out of my time off. I plan on working out, working on my recovery to make myself stronger, and I think those two goals are enough. If I can do that this summer, I think I'll be happy with myself. Day 10 for you sista!

Daisy, I can't wait to hear about your show! Especially the down's boy singing frozen!!!! Gosh, I"d be crying all the way through that. For sure. You're sounding so great. Please keep coming back here!

Nar, you typed out stuff that was on your mind, you relived what happened to you, the pain, and your reasons for quitting. That was powerful for me to read and for you to type out. I'm glad you did it as now your resolve will be even more firmly cemented into your day tomorrow when you go out with your girlfriends. Love you Nar!

Ava, ok, hope you're ok, but I think I know better now...

Ok, just typing this out made me feel so much better. I love you girls. Thanks for being here for me. I think I need to go back and read about the bad consequences of drinking and not the happy buzz that I was feeling I'd miss out on. There's no "happy buzz" for me. Just sloppy, stupid drunken behavior. I'm not that person anymore. Nope.

:h:h:l

[patrice]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi j-vo, sounds like everything is as it should be. I don't mean to sound glib but seems like you are working through these feelings sober, I'm giving you a big clap!!
Mmm.. 6 weeks, I really don't know what to do. Last year my son went to visit his Dad.. So I drank for 6 weeks, yuk. I'm actually using this weekend to plan a holiday for us, it's kinda hard work going away with just an 8 year old for company and I'm not at all cashed up at the moment... Grrr. Probably do a cheap boat trip to Thailand.
That still leaves a few weeks.. Any ideas??
Have a great MAE.
Xx
Pat

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J-vo and Pat it sounds like you do have ideas for keeping busy. That's what I did my first sober summer. Kept very busy. Made preserves, pickle relish, watched pitmasters and mastered BBQ ribs and pulled pork, gardened, read bodice rippers until late in the night, had movie marathons, .... funny thing is I plan to do many of the same things this summer. I did things I enjoyed doing and was always either too drunk or too hungover to do before.
Jane that project sounds like fun. I am going to start thinking of the color of my moods and trying to adjust them to shades of green when I'm mad or upset. Ohmmmmmm green is good.
Thanks G-man.
NS that secret, double life feeling was one of the main things that got me motivated to quit and one of the main things that makes my quit stick. I care very much how other's view me. My job depends on a clean rep and I am finally proud to live up to what I just tried to project before. And I agree with Jane. Romantic.
I will catch up more tomorrow, but we are both having a working weekend here. Plus starting a side job painting a rental house for a client. Anyone with not enough to do please report for duty!

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J-Vo, thank you so much for sharing. It's so good that you came here instead of going to the bottle. I am glad you stuck that dirty pacifier in and got rid of those thoughts. I am having AL thoughts too but I just have to do the same as you. We will get through this babe!

LilB, it's so awesome to be able to do things we didn't do before because we were drinking. I am going for breakfast at 8am tomorrow- Saturday. There is no way I would have done that before.

Hi Pat! I don't have any suggestions right now but hanging out with your son sounds great. Enjoy it while he still wants to hang out with you. My son was such a mommas boy when he was that age and now I hardly see him. So glad you are here.

Pav, have a great night.
SL, sweet dreams

Jane, you color our world!

NS, wish I could be in that exercise class with you and Ava

Goodnight.

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Night, folks. I am dragging myself to bed after a LONG week, a 12 hour day and the death of one of my second moms (I've known her since birth). It was after a long and hard illness, so it was a bit of a relief, but I am very sad anyway. I DID have a thought when I got home that a martini would wash all of my stress, tiredness and sadness away pretty quickly - but came around also quickly to the fact that alcohol would have made all of those problems come back eventually, only worse. So I watched a movie with DH and my kids and am heading to bed.

I see there was a lot of writing today - I'll try to catch back up tomorrow, but I am facing another very busy weekend. Serenity now!

xo
Pav

[daisy45]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi everyone - the discussions here right now are so relevant! J-vo, you done the right thing coming here......
I was on the edge a few days ago......when it gets to the stage where I really know I will drink, then all reason is out the window.....no point coming to MWO, my mind can't be changed, I know myself! Well, so I thought.....
This time I really thought hard on words posted here......fake it til you make it, won't get 2 bad days in a row (I did), post even when you don't want to, the pain of going back to day 1, the disgust the morning after..........told myself 'ok, you know this is a rough one and you're gonna drink anyway, BUT, you can only have that drink after you have ticked all the boxes on that checklist.......'
The drinking was a 'done deal' in my head, but, I have an 'unwritten contract' with you all, with MWO........a promise to post before drinking, post daily, read, listen. I didn't actually say that I was gonna drink but that I felt like it, so maybe not fulfilling my promise completely......
Anyway, waffling now......bottom line - it worked! And I did not believe it would!
I feel bad for you J-vo, how you feel right now, but, from how I now know you, you will yet again work it out......I am lucky to have you ahead of me cos I am getting to see how it's done.....
Guitarista, Pav, Nar,NS, Jane, lilB, Scotlass, Pat, Ava....anyone I missed, so glad to have you all here......

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Daisy good on you for not drinking and you did not give in to the "fark its". We have to be dedicated to not drinking, as much as we were dedicated TO drinking. I know i was so dedicated to drinking, planning, getting, procrastinating of why i should drink. When i stopped i thought that would be it, but no i used to do the same as above but the end result is i did not drink. There is nothing that al would give me now to make me feel better, to make my life more enjoyable. It would not take away any stress or anxiety i am feeling, it would make it much much worse.

Facing the loamers was and is a big push on why i dont drink and it makes me accountable. Even if i dont post much i always have mwo open, i always read and there is never a day that i do not come here either on my iphone or laptop or pc at work.

You have a great plan daisy and you are doing so well. It gets easier day by day although there are crap days thrown in just like "normal" people, they just dont head for al to cope like we did. I have not had an al thought for weeks now and al is receding from my thoughts but i can never ever become blase about al as i am an alcoholic and always will be. I am grateful everyday for being sober and its just my life now being sober and free from the chains of al. I totally recommend this new way of life.

My son was going to his sisters tonight for a drink and he does not like wine so he told me he would buy some juice to put in it. I told my daughter that he did not like wine and she answered me back with "who's son is he". I said not mine if he doesnt like wine. Its nice to joke about something that was breaking our family apart now and its even better to know that my children know I will never drink and cant ever drink again.

I am promising an ava gazette tomorrow, i have so much to say.

Jvo i do truly hope you are okay lovely lady. I have trust and faith that you will be okay and you know i love you dearly.

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Daisy I am glad for you. Glad you didn't. This really DOES work. You are evidence. Another group win. Yeah for us!!!!!
Pav you are SO right. Those problems are still there only now they are worse. Good job on your win.
We are winners.

[daisy45]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thanks LB an Ava.....Ava, can't wait for the gazette! Wanna hear all about this man!

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Me too Ava. I have been wondering how that turned out.