Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Still a bit annoyed at some stuff. Sorry to be Debbie Downer. But like I said, I'm glad my parents are staying with my sister on their visit here. They both stress me out and I don't think I could handle it right now. My mother is so needy. And my Dad, well, I think he may be drinking secretly. He had pancreatitis a few years ago, and he'll quit drinking for long stretches, always had, but eventually goes back to drinking. To tell you the truth, I haven't ever seen him drunk, just a slight buzz. But he holds it well I guess. I think I'm bothered as I think he may be sneak drinking. He left the picnic at 6:45 to go back to my sister's house. That was at the height of the party. Why? He said he was tired. He doesn't see us often, and I'm upset if he is drinking. He would just go to my sister's and drink because she has booze there And I think they decided not to stay with me because he knows I"m not drinking and if he snuck some, I would be sure to smell it. That's what booze does. It takes us away from family, makes us only care about "it." I would never ask DAd if he's drinking. My mom would never say anything, as she drinks too, and I think she misses it when DAd doesn't drink as she loses her drinking partner. I may be making this whole thing up, but it just bothers me.

Then there's my aunt who has had acute and chronic pancreatitis. She looks so frail at 67 years old. She was drinking. Not lots, but WTF? Are you kidding me? That disease is caused by drinking! She's a drinker!

Bit irritated. Sorry.

Pat, I'm glad you're checking in and doing so well!

Have a great day ladies.

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

LB, it is great that you had some time at the beach. It seems like you work really hard - in both your professional and personal lives - so it's great you had some Beagle time!

Pavati;1672414 wrote: The memorial was beautiful - challenging to do it all without drinking, but really mostly as I was heading there I felt anxious and out of sorts. One of the children of the woman who died had a shot of vodka to calm her nerves (better than xanax), and I thought of how quickly that would work for me, and how great it would feel. Now, if I could leave it at that, I sure would have had that shot, but we all know I can't. I was happy to have pushed through the anxiety without the crutch of alcohol, and it was a wonderful day. Good job, Pav. That is just how we need to be able to handle everything. I wonder if the shot of vodka really could work for you in the same way anymore because you have all this new information about addiction as well as self-knowledge. I think my anxiety about what I was doing might overwhelm whatever "benefits" I used to think I got from a drink.
It is nice to know that you will be able to clearly remember everything about the weekend and not have nagging worries about some little thing you might have said or done or important moment you missed.

roxane;1672441 wrote: thanks all for the thanks. im embarrassed by it, and I could string ava up for posting it on more than one thread. im not telling her again.

Roxy, I've seen a lot of posts where you dismiss your accomplishments as unimportant or seem to feel responsible for the negative feelings of others. You are so hard on yourself . I wish you could be as supportive and kind to yourself as you are to others. I read this article yesterday afternoon and then read reviews of the book it refers to. I think it sounds very interesting and might be helpful to any of us, and I'm including myself, who tend to de-value our own needs and desires: How to Retrain Your Brain To Kick Bad Habits and Addictions | Alternet.

j-vo;1672513 wrote: Still a bit annoyed at some stuff. Sorry to be Debbie Downer. But like I said, I'm glad my parents are staying with my sister on their visit here. They both stress me out and I don't think I could handle it right now. My mother is so needy. And my Dad, well, I think he may be drinking secretly. He had pancreatitis a few years ago, and he'll quit drinking for long stretches, always had, but eventually goes back to drinking. To tell you the truth, I haven't ever seen him drunk, just a slight buzz. But he holds it well I guess. I think I'm bothered as I think he may be sneak drinking. He left the picnic at 6:45 to go back to my sister's house. That was at the height of the party. Why? He said he was tired. He doesn't see us often, and I'm upset if he is drinking. He would just go to my sister's and drink because she has booze there And I think they decided not to stay with me because he knows I"m not drinking and if he snuck some, I would be sure to smell it. That's what booze does. It takes us away from family, makes us only care about "it." I would never ask DAd if he's drinking. My mom would never say anything, as she drinks too, and I think she misses it when DAd doesn't drink as she loses her drinking partner. I may be making this whole thing up, but it just bothers me.
Then there's my aunt who has had acute and chronic pancreatitis. She looks so frail at 67 years old. She was drinking. Not lots, but WTF? Are you kidding me? That disease is caused by drinking! She's a drinker!
Bit irritated. Sorry.

Gotta be yourself, J, or what's the point of MWO? of Loamers?? It must be challenging to be face to face with your birth family right now given the huge role that plays in who we eventually become. And then to be witnessing in them the same behaviors that you're in the process of overcoming... I'd be more than irritated. I'm so glad you're aware of how you're feeling. It would be easy to slip into the kind of thinking that this is my family, I'm just like them, they stress me out, I'm tired of counting these stupid AF days and fighting this addiction, I have to escape from this... But that won't happen to you because you're acknowledging how you feel, understand why you feel that way, and continuing to live the life you've chosen. I hope your dad isn't drinking secretly but I think we're all very attuned now to suspect behaviors. It's just like hackers can be the best at catching other hackers, a sneaky addict can tell what is going on pretty easily, I think.

I'm listening to a really interesting talk right now: The Craving Brain: The Neuroscience Of Uncontrollable Urges | The Kavli Foundation
Any of you who are interested in the brain disease model of alcoholism might appreciate it.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

J-Vo, they were talking about co dependency on the Bubble Hour last night. It sounds like your parents. I guess we probably all suffer from some form of co dependency or at least we did while we were drinking. I haven't listened to the whole podcast but it is interesting.
Hang in there J-Vo, as much as we love our families sometimes they are the hardest people to deal with.

Thanks NS for the podcast link. I will listen to that on my walk home. It looks Very interesting.

Talk to you later girls. Cold and rainy today in Calgary...

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Bubble Hour on Co-dependency

I just listened to yesterday's podcast while I worked out and and was blown away!

I thought the term referred only to people who had close relationships with an addict but it is much broader than that:

The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you?re likely codependent. Symptoms of Codependency | Psych Central.

I thought I couldn't be one (despite having had many of the characteristics growing up and still retaining some of them ) because I didn't fit what I thought was the definition. The discussion among the women on the podcast was very interesting and enlightening.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Quick fly by!
Hi everyone.
J-vo, so sorry for your state of mind, hopefully you are able to see soem light soon?
Daisy - so proud of you, you are doing great.
Roxy - wow!! Way to go!
Hi NS, Pav, Nar, Ava, LB and everyone.
Was thinking of you - saw Kombucha in the store and thought - thats what you were talking of a while back - just had some hibiscus, ginger, grapefruit Kombucha and it was delicious! Thanks Loamers!!!

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thanks Again NS, for another great link! I read the symptoms and I think I have a few of them to some extent. I am with you and just thought it meant people in a close relationship with an addict but the definition is way broader than that.
We are all probably co dependant in some way.
I look forward to listening to the rest of the podcast.

I So enjoy my un hungover Mondays. I try and give thanks every Monday because I feel good. This always used to be a hangover work day. Yuk. BUT no more.

xo

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Cross post SL! nice to hear from you. I am going to try that Kombucha some time if I can find it.

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Thanks for all your kinds words ladies. I'm glad I have you! I ate like a freaking cow today. But... I exercised, I didn't smoke, and I didn't drink. So it wasn't a totally bad day.

Worked the concession stand this evening. Parents came up to watch Taylor's third game and enjoyed it. Glad they came.

I'm going to go watch the video NS posted. Thanks for that. I see that Elizabeth Vargos is hosting. Should be good.

Talk to you girls tomorrow.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Did you girls know that Calgary is sometimes called Cowtown? We are known for our Alberta Beef.
Just some trivia about cows!
I was really hungry tonight too, I guess we have the Monday munchies.

Will talk to you later..
Xo

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Night, all.

I had dinner with good friends tonight, and in line with the above conversation, I, too, ate like a cow. As a matter of fact, I ate cow like a cow, which is somewhat disturbing. I'll call this Munchie Monday and start fresh tomorrow.

I confided in my friends (a man and a woman I have known for 24 years), even telling them somewhat about the Thanksgiving Massacre. They were interested and supportive - it was amazing how afraid I was to tell people earlier and how much easier it is now. They are really my best friends, so it felt safe. They know I have had trouble finding my off switch, and can't really be surprised. We had to abruptly end the conversation because their son came home, so it is unfinished. To be continued...

Very quiet around here. The ebbs and flows of MWO, or the spammers?? Remember, we're meeting at Soberista, right? I wish someone would just start a forum like this (Daisy, aren't you in IT??)

Good night. Another too late bedtime. Can't wait to have a couple days off.

xo
Pav

[Pavati]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Night, all.

I had dinner with good friends tonight, and in line with the above conversation, I, too, ate like a cow. As a matter of fact, I ate cow like a cow, which is somewhat disturbing. I'll call this Munchie Monday and start fresh tomorrow.

I confided in my friends (a man and a woman I have known for 24 years), even telling them somewhat about the Thanksgiving Massacre. They were interested and supportive - it was amazing how afraid I was to tell people earlier and how much easier it is now. They are really my best friends, so it felt safe. They know I have had trouble finding my off switch, and can't really be surprised. We had to abruptly end the conversation because their son came home, so it is unfinished. To be continued...

Very quiet around here. The ebbs and flows of MWO, or the spammers?? Remember, we're meeting at Soberista, right? I wish someone would just start a forum like this (Daisy, aren't you in IT??)

Good night. Another too late bedtime. Can't wait to have a couple days off.

xo
Pav

[lifechange]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

hello Ladies,
it's been such a long time and I've really missed you all. I have been reading fairly often, and every day for the past week, so I know how you are all doing. I am so happy for all of you with your accomplished goals and hard work staying honest and real, dealing with life's problems by talking it out and doing the work. I have had mixed feelings about posting again because I have some guilt about jumping ship. I am unfortunately someone who tends to only post when I'm feeling good--otherwise I don't feel like I have anything to offer. I was so confused, so deep in the blame game and in self denial regarding my deep unhappiness that I couldn't see reality anymore for what it was-- though I knew I wasn't being honest with myself I wasn't ready to face it so posting here became about trying to convince myself that everything was ok. At some point I started drinking again--a lot--hating myself for not being able to get my life under control, wanting to ask for help but knowing I wouldn't be able to accept it. So tired of being the person that can't get it right. So sad that I keep going back to something that I hate and don't want to do. I know I have the power within myself to stop but I keep hurting myself. I went to a 10 day meditation course where I began to feel like I understood how I could make change. I got back on the 8th of June and started drinking again on the 9th. Of course I know I can never moderate but that is still the "excuse" I am using to help turn my mind away from the fact that this is complete denial.
I just watched the video NS posted yesterday about the Craving Brain which was very interesting and informative. Which left me with more understanding of my/our situation with regards to having an addicted brain...but also once again overwhelmed with the knowledge that this is basically a chronic "disease" that I have to spend a lifetime dealing with. I know it gets easier with time and that I have to first do the baby steps again. Right now that seems like such hard work. In the middle of the night I made a promise to myself that I would just concentrate on 3 things today (also taking in your advices and the post from Turnagain) which are 1. don't drink 2. exercise 3. no sugar.
It has taken me lots of weeks and until 11am this morning to get up the courage to post here. Knowing that when I do it means that I am convinced enough that I have a chance of being successful to actually try.

[roxane]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

welcome back LC.

I really do understand when you say you want to ask for help and know that you would have trouble accepting it.

alarm bells rang when you said you were going to stop posting for a while because you needed to sort some personal things out. im still on the baby steps youre talking about but I hope that by coming back, you can start on them again yourself.

being on here is hard, but worth it for yourself LC. its not about having anything to offer, youre here for help!

keep posting (if the ruddy site will let you).

[lifechange]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

thank you for the welcome, Roxy. I was very happy to see of your progress-- to see that you were taking advantage of what this site has to offer and for not giving up.
I don't know anymore exactly what I was thinking when I decided to stop posting here. In hindsight it looks like I was putting the option to drink back on the table. I had personal (mostly involving family relationships) things to work on, but normally one can work on those things AND take a few minutes a day to be here, right?
Anyway retraining the brain is a big job and one must be vigilant and have a strong determination to stay the path. I went for a run to work on the dopamine releasers and of course I feel much better.
If you feel like it, Roxy, I would love to here if there's anything you did differently this time to make it stick. If anything in particular really helped you?

[Kailey]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Good morning! Welcome back, LC. I completely relate to not knowing what or how to post when you are struggling. For absolutely no reason I drank last night after getting just over a week AF under my belt. My biggest regret other than the obvious is that today I feel homeless on this site. Even though i don't post much I come here every day, and to this thread in particular.

This group is a group of people who have learned not to drink and support each other staying sober. I want to belong here. I want to be someone who finally got it right. I want to quit making the same mistakes over and over. I'm scared that I'm running out of chances and I'm going to get diagnosed with some terrible disease right before I finally manage to quit. How ironic would that be? For some reason, that fear has been weighing heavily on me lately.

I am horrible about going to the doctor, and just met with a new one the other day. She got me all set up with a bunch of appointments to get me caught up...mammogram, Pap smear, bone density, colonoscopy and scariest of all, she told me to get bloodwork done in 4 weeks to screen for cholesterol, diabetes, liver function, etc.

I told her I used it drink too much, but had stopped. I didn't tell her it had only been a couple of days. I am really, really worried about what the blood tests will reveal, but what I'm most scared about is that if I can't put a sober month together I know I'll be a no show.

Sorry for the very negative post this morning, but it's my reality today. I have to pick myself up and start over.