Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

frances;1676316 wrote: Pav great post about surviving slumps, thank you! I still feel like I am in a slump though the past few days have definitely been a little better.
Well, since Pav reminded me of Melody Beatty, I'll share one that has been posted before. It sounds like you're in the "right" frame of mind to hear what she's saying:


Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in-between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in-between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird-in-hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in-between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we’re in-between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in-between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in-between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but were not. We’re standing at the in-between place. It’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we’re in-between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in-between, 1 will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Pav and NS - Great posts about surviving slumps. This line in particular really spoke to me: "Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in-between."

Such an uncomfortable place to be in-between the old and the new, but when framed like this, it's obviously part of the process. A simple but powerful idea. Thanks!


On a different note, I posted this in the NN but wanted to post here too in case anyone has any input:

So, I had something throw me for a bit of a loop last night. Out of the blue, I heard from an exbf who I broke up with last year. The main reason I broke up with him is that he is a person with borderline personality disorder, and my life with him was an emotional roller coaster. I started drinking more and more during our time together as a feeble effort to cope with the uncertainty and unpredictability in that relationship.

I am NOT tempted to drink now. I am trying to decide whether to reply to him or not. I am torn... I still care about him as a person and I know he doesn't choose to do the things he does. BPD is a major disorder that is extremely challenging for the person and for those around him/her, especially loved ones.

I feel callous and heartless to completely dismiss him or ignore his message, but I am also a bit wary of resuming contact. When we broke up I cut off all contact in an effort to protect myself and my emotional stability.

Any thoughts, especially from anyone who is familiar with BPD?

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Pavati;1676246 wrote: Well, I was going to write more, but my son just called for a ride home, so I'm off.

You know, I think the ability to do whatever whenever is one of the greatest gifts of being AF.

It took a lot of time and energy to organize the world such that I would have all my tasks completed by late afternoon, and to slyly arrange for others to drive to any and all evening events... And the resentment when I absolutely had to be available to drive and so could not feed my demon ...
and the stress when something came up unexpectedly in the evening and I either had to do it or somehow manage to get someone else to do it without telling them why...
Remembering all that makes it pretty easy to get past any crazy thoughts that enter my head.

Have a great weekend, Loamers!

[patrice]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi wag, glad you are not tempted to drink.. Guess I would probably reply as long as you were sure you are strong enough to do that without mybe getting dragged into something..
You are doing so well with sober time, thanks for my 30 day congrats.. Haven't been there in a while!!
Take care
Patrice
Xx

[NoSugar]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi, Wags

I was horribly hurt by a friend with that problem and after years of turmoil, managed to remove myself from her life. I would go so far as to say that the chaotic relationship with/dependence on and eventual loss of this person contributed to the escalation of my reliance on alcohol. It has had to be a complete disconnection. Every once in awhile I'm tempted to get back in touch with her because she is a compelling person, apparently filled some need I had, and was a very important person in my life for years. It still is hard to accept that (what I thought were) the good parts of the relationship are gone.

I actually think about her and AL in much the same way which sounds odd but the compelling and destructive parts of both relationships -- continuing them even when I knew I was damaging myself -- are very similar.

I can't give you advice based on my single experience but would just encourage you to remember to protect yourself, even if it has to be at the expense of someone else. That is a very hard thing to do but sometimes it is necessary.

:l NS

[frances]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

NS I love that post about being in between...thank you! Definitely helpful and wise words.

Wags I have not been in a relationship with anyone with BPD but I do think that although there were positive aspects to your relationship with this person, overall you had to cut it off because of the negatives, and it sounds like there is definitely a significant risk that rekindling (it in any form) would turn into a negative experience for you. I understand the compassionate side of you not wanting to be dismissive to him, but I do agree with NS to remember to protect yourself. Only you know the situation and your ability to deal with things if it went poorly.

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Packing today! Leaving before the sun comes up tomorrow. I'll be on here, as you girls are my lifeline.

Ava, so glad to hear your Maddy is looking and feeling better. That's such a relief. When my baby was in the hospital twice, it broke my heart. And my bank account! But he's worth it. You're a gem, being able to care for people you don't even know - the parrot lady. I'd say they need to give you a big increase in your salary!

Patrice, have a great trip to Cambodia. And congrats on your 30!

Nar, does your daughter want to be a doctor? How cool seeing your children grow up and continue to be successful. That's a parents biggest blessing. And just the little things they do make us so proud! I'm still waiting for my eggs this morning from my DS. I'm not very proud of him right now! I suck at square dancing! You have to know your left from your right and I've always had a big problem with that.

Frances, wedding receptions can be a bit of a problem. But I haven't been to one since I quit drinking, and I think I'd be into the dancing for sure. But that pity party will come and will go.

LB, a dude ranch sounds like some fun! Enjoy yourself.

Pav, thanks for surviving slumps and NS for the in-between post. Did you post that one before? It's a good one. Both are.

Ok ladies, it's time to start packin! Have a great AF friday! I'm feeling confident that this vacation will be wonderful and I won't have that nagging voice. Too many pretty things to look at, feel, and do. But I'll check in. Love you all.

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Wags I hope you think of yourself first. My daughter just came out of a similar relationship. It was damaging to her self esteem. She is doing better now.
J-vo you sound posative. I'm glad.
NS the inbetween post really hit home with me.
Pav I relate to those slumps. Boy do I. And it feels so wonderful when they pass. Like coming out of a migraine.
Good to see you Frances.
Patrice your break sounds busy and fun.

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Patrice, NS, Frances, LB - Thanks so much for your input re: my situation with my ex with BPD. I really appreciate hearing your thoughts. NS, I think your comparison of the allure of AL with the allure of a person with BPD is right on target, and caught my attention. Yes, it's easy in both cases to remember the good parts (or to romanticize them) and forget all the hell. Your message woke me up a bit.

Based on my own thoughts and all of your input, I think I will not reply to him. It's hard, I feel so cold, but I do need to put myself first. I feel pretty strong with my quit and am not worried I'd slip for him, but I also decided that I need to direct my limited energy elsewhere.

Thanks very much for listening and chiming in with your perspectives - very helpful!

:thanks:

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

little beagle;1676452 wrote: Wags I hope you think of yourself first. My daughter just came out of a similar relationship. It was damaging to her self esteem. She is doing better now.

Hugs to your daughter for what she went through in that relationship and the subsequent aftermath. Glad to hear she's doing better. If she still needs any support, there's a great web discussion/support site similar to this one for people who are/were/have been in any kind of relationship affected by BPD. It's called bpdfamily.com - I found it to be incredibly helpful for months afterward.


j-vo - You do sound positive and happy. I hope you have a fantastic vacation!

Jane - Sorry to hear you still aren't feeling well. Hope your NYC trip goes well and that your fever breaks soon! Having a temp could easily cause everything to feel like an effort, and although the meds are probably helping in some ways, they might also be adding to your bummed out feelings.

[Dottie Belle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hello ladies,
I am so sorry that I have not kept up ....been posting on the stepers thread and jsut so much time right now. I am OK but stressed to the max...so easy to take the familiar way out but I dont want to start over yet again...
Check out the steppers thread for the details....
I will try to keep up..

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

hi loamers

well its saturday here and i did not end up going to the sewing/knitting expo. $18 just to get in and it was more for sewing, quilting and embroidery than knitting so i figured out that i can buy $18 of wool for the entry fee and mads two visits to the vets this week has broken the bank. So i stayed at 'his' place and we started watching the first season of Game of Thrones. love that show.

no sure about this guy though. i just dont think i am ready to have a relationship, just cant quite put my finger on it. some things just annoy the crap out of me that he does, like tapping the remote. i asked him not to do that last night so he threw it. im like 'well hope it didnt break' so that set me off to being really shitty at his immaturity then he got the shits as i would not shower so he could have sex. he is a tad too childish in some aspects so i am pretty sure i am going to give some great excuse so that he does not feel too bad that i dont want to see him. Sex is good but we cant base a whole relationship on sex. Well when i was drinking i could ha ha. he wants me to go into his tomorrow and weekends are my only time to catch up with kids and housework and then he got shitty again. yep writing it down has definitely made me decide that this is not what i want. Thanks guys!

jane, when i had the flu i sank into a depression for sure. thought i was never going to get better, that it was all in my head, that i had a brain tumour as i had headaches daily but nope i had the flu. it feels so much better now i am well. i hope you get better soon.

LB hope things are better with you and that your daughter is your rock. My daughters are my rock also. i was talking to my eldest today about maddison (dog) and when do you have to choose to end their life rather than prolonging it (not that mads is up to that stage yet) and i said if that ever happens we all have to be there. she was like "nope" that would be way too heartbreaking and i'm like yes but you need to be there and she said 'yes i know". Thank god for my daughters is all i will say. The boys will go but god they will bitch up a storm. Good on hubs for being off the crack. i remember vividly with liam how hard it was in the first few months. his moods, his yelling at me, his attitude, his behaviour. i went to the counsellors with him once and the counsellor could see i was at the end of my tether with him and said to me "you arent going to desert him are you" and i said "of course not, he is my son' but damn i was being pushed and pushed. Now after 15 months he is the son that just annoys me cause he can.

Wag i agree with the girls, if you think it will be hard work, dont go there. We cannot make everyone happy and if they think we are a bitch then so be it but we deserve to be happy too. This is what i think about this guy, he is lovely but he is not for me. i tried to tell him a couple of weeks ago and he said he was crying and im like "maybe it is me' so i am still trying to give it a go but i know its not for me. i dont like hurting people but i also need to be happy and if it means single and happy then that is what it will be.

Jvo have a great holiday girl. make sure you post daily and fill us in on your adventures and dont let that bitch of a SIL get to you. Walk away from her and come on here. We are here for you.

Pav hello lovely, i looked into the course and of course i would have had to have gotten a loan for the one i wanted to do unless i did another course which would have then totalled over 10 grand which i could pay off. i didnt want to do the other course and could not afford the shorter course so i am doing nothing. I was tempted but i cant afford it at the moment so looks like i get to spread my worldly knowledge on here. i am looking into volunteer work but that is mainly during a weekday and i work. i wish it was easier but i am sure something will fall at my feet one day.

Well i think i may have a nap, thought i would hang some washing out till it poured down rain. really need to clean my wardrobe but been talking and thinking about that for months now.

love to all i have missed xxxxxx

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Ava - It sounds like you do have clarity re: this guy you've been seeing. Sometimes writing it out does really help doesn't it? Immaturity would be a big red flag to me for sure. Chances are if you're seeing it now, you'd see more of it later, as people tend to relax and be more "themselves" after the initial dating period is over. You are right, we cannot care if someone else thinks we are a bitch. Sounds like you are solid on this. I need to keep working on it myself but totally agree with you.

Happy Saturday to you (still Fri here, just barely). Catch you on the flip side...

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

I went out to a wonderful concert and dinner last night. Watching others drink and stumble around made me feel a relief it wasn't me.
Yes Ava immaturity is a huge red flag. Good for you recognizing it. Sharing your wisdom here helps us. We are lucky for having you.
Jane have fun today. I really hope you feel better soon. Being sick for long periods of time is SO draining. That tent will be packed away soon, I know it.
Good for youbWags. I'm glad you are here with us.:l

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

I wrote a long post yesterday and then lost it, so annoying!
Ava, this guy sounds like a knob. I mean, who throws the remote and gets pissy when you want time to yourself? So immature! Ya, Ava, my spidery sense would be tingling too. Walk away while the walkin' is good.

LilB, isn't it nice not to be the drunk one? I went to my friends 'new deck' party last night. We are good friends and I know her whole family. All of her brothers and sisters have a drinking problem. So, of course, they were drinking their faces off last night. I was so glad I wasn't drinking.

Her sister in law has been in rehab a few times and she was drinking beer sort of on the sly. Her sister was totally hammered and one brother was trying to moderate. I could see him struggle trying not to drink too much. I used to love these get togethers because I coiuld drink a lot and no one would bat an eye, in fact , they just loved me.
Let me tell you, I am so glad I was not drinking.

I'm going to a pizza party tonight and won't be drinking.

Have a great sober night ladies!

Xo