Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

[j-vo]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi Girls,
Snuck off to the lobby for a bit as it's quite cloudy outside right now and i'm missing ya girls.

Nar, hugs to you as you had the beast talking to you. You're so strong and glad you got through that.

Ginger, congrats on your 60!

Some observations I've made on this lovely vacation that I wanted to share...

Being away from MWO will never happen for me. I need to stay connected to you all and be reminded daily of the struggles and pain that alcohol caused me. The community of people is priority in my recovery. Being away for this short amount of time made me a bit lonely. I'm so glad it doesn't have to be a full-time thing and we can talk, post, skype anytime we want to. Thanks for being here for me.

There are not a whole lot of drunks out there like us. Yes, most of the people here are drinking girlie drinks in the pool, but if it were me drinking, I'd be saying two extra shots of tequila please, kind of like my SIL is doing. So even though our numbers are low, I'm glad we don't have to always suffer the consequences of alcohol. All we have to do is not drink and we'll feel normal like everyone else. Everyone has something, and this is our thing, so being responsible adults, we are taking care of this beast once and for all so we can live a happy life.

My SIL is one of us. My FIL died of cirrhosis of the liver and I see she has the gene, as everything that she says and does, I would have done/have done. It makes me feel relieved in a way that I"m not like that anymore. I've seen her drunk several times, needing to have the straight tequila in her glass, not wanting the night to end, begging hubby to have just one more or go to the adult disco not for dancing but she knows she can get more drinks. I'm watching how alcohol has a complete hold on her and I'm glad i"m seeing this. She would never admit this, and after the first day, she never questioned me about my drinking. I"m sure she's said things behind my back, but I can't control that and I don't really care. Most of DH's family loves me, and I would say all except SIL is not one to love anyone.

It's a wonderful feeling getting up hangover free and enjoying the days activities without having to pour alcohol down my throat. It's liberating for sure.

I have noticed a slight tug here and there. But that passes and then I"m fine. They have different shows here at night and last night was a rock theme. Great music and I enjoyed it with a straight mind. I was able to sing along, wave my arms, and thoroughly enjoy it.

The kayacking is phenomenal. I was out there by myself for about 45 minutes. Not only did it work my arms really well, but just sitting on the ocean by myself with the water sparkling was such a peaceful site.

This is not reality, but this is/could have been a really difficult time if I let it. I look for beauty, which isn't hard to see. I feel the beauty. My senses are in tune to everything. I've never exercised on vacation in my life, and I have done something physically challenging everyday. Yea, I've been eating lots too, but hey, if you would see all the good food here, you wouldn't pass it up either!

Ok, going to get myself moving here. Love you all, and I'll be back on MWO as a supportive member next week. I'm sorry it's all about me here, but just wanted to you to know how I've been feeling. You're in my thoughts.

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

I did what you are doing - posted here for support, listened to the Bubble Hour, red, and tried to cultivate gratitude (sometimes while remembering the bad stuff).

Pav, look how you inserted that little word 'red'. That made me laugh, its like subliminal messaging.

Jane, teens are tough. We just have to bear down and get through it. I have a couple and believe me, they are just hard to deal with sometimes. When they grow up hopefully they will appreciate all you did for them.

J-Vo, wow! You are doing so well. I am SO happy! You know, when you said there are not a whole lot of drunks out there like us, there still are Alot. I think Dr. Kelly said 25 million Americans with Substance abuse issues. I am sure there are a whole bunch of others on that beach in Mexico that are struggling with AL and not just your SIL! So glad it is not YOU!!! Yay!
Kayaking? I have never done that, I will try it some day. I think that is really cool that you are able to partake in physical activity everyday. Now talk about a mood booster.
This is another feather in non AL cap or sombrero. I will put one in my Cowboy Hat!

NS, thanks for the name of that Big Fat book. I love that kind of stuff.
Sincerely,
Your friend Greenie

xo

[Ginger999]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

On the topic of kids..... I have three sons. During their high school years I thought I'd never make it. It seemed like every day was a new issue. Fights, no talking, school issue. My sweet boys turned into people I didn't even know after my divorce. Every day was such a struggle. BUT.... We got through it. They are now 33, 35 and 40. They are all fine, hard working young men and all but the youngest is happily married. Combined they have given me seven grandkids. Each one has said to me at some point how sorry they were they tortured me so during those years. Haha Now that they have kids they "get it". So ladies with kids.... Hang in there. It does get so much better. It just takes time.

[lifechange]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hello Lovelies,

Ginger!! Congratulations on 60 days!!!!:clapclap:

Jane, I'm right with you-- the 10's are definitely not worth the 2's (or lower!) that follow. And for me, the 10 lasted about an hour. I hope you find some peace with those teenage boys of yours--at least with your feelings about them. I can imagine how difficult it must be. My BF's son, who lives with us, is 13 and it's just starting. I think Pav's advice sounds spot on! You are giving a lot now and not getting much in return, but maybe think of it as putting your money in the bank. At some point they're bound to turn around, right? Into joyful, thankful, loving sons!! Let's hope so, geeze!
I was thinking about what you said regarding the blog. And I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. I think because she has been such a good friend of mine for so long and we've supported eachother so much-- I trust her completely to have my best interest in mind and her blog is about her self discovery which often comes through her relationships with us. She is brutally honest and constructively critical with herself, which I admire greatly. I think if she was analysing me/my addiction I would have a problem with it, but she isn't. I actually think (and we've talked about it) that she needs to watch her drinking behaviours very carefully-- I see her progressing along this path, her relationship with alcohol changing slowly, but surely. It's so scary to see.

J-vo, great to read your thoughts on your sober vacation. You are very inspiring to me right now and I'm so happy for you to be having this experience. I feel bad for your SIL, being in the hell. Did you know eachother before she/or you had problems with al? I'm just wondering if you ever had a different relationship? Looking forward to you being back full time next week!!

Pav, I loved your post in the NN tonight. (yours, too, NS) I think it is so helpful to those of us struggling and feeling like we can't stand to listen to ourselves promising anymore, feeling hopeless or helpless, like there's no point. I know each person has to be in the right frame of mind to be able to listen--but for anyone who is open to it, your posts meant a lot. I think I will start posting in the Nest again. I don't know what my problem is there. Partly so many people, moving so fast--but actually, I think that when I'm feeling insecure, it's difficult to be with people who aren't sure whether or not they want sobriety. I KNOW it's what I want, even if I've had troubles getting there. It's such a great place, though.

NS, I really appreciate the freedom I have to walk around here at night! Mind you though, it isn't dark--there are street lights everywhere and people out all night. I wouldn't walk through some of the parks here at night! The 3D friendships are wonderful--they don't know all the gory details. I can't share exactly in the same way I can with my friends here!, because they haven't been in my shoes. But they love me and care about me so much--in that way I have a lot of support from them!

Hi Nar! I missed the "greenie" reference----Green Monster!!got it. Did I already ask you if you get to do any riding yourself at the Stampede? I've been wondering. I love rodeos.

LB, I'm right there with you on Freedom Day! I have to say, I'm so glad there won't be fireworks here tomorrow night. I don't mean to be a party pooper and I will celebrate with you in spirit! Just that when the people have a chance to shoot them off here, it's like a free for all war zone. I'll eat some watermelon!

I had a 10 hour heavy duty work day and was dead as a dog when I came home. Now I'm feeling chipper at 10:45pm. Being tired is definitely a trigger for me and I was completely present and in tune with myself on my ride back from work--was even able to go to the market. That beastie voice couldn't find a way in today!

Hi to Elouise, SL, Giraffe, Moss, Roxy, Ava, Wags, I know I'm missing people.. but :l

[narilly]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Life, I don't do any riding , sometimes I watch the chuck wagons but generally don't do much rodeo stuff. Hey, that is great that the beastie voice didn't get ya! Damn voice!

Well, I am in bed. Listened to Dr Kelly on my walk home. (Thanks NS)
Grateful to be sober.
Goodnight.

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Hi all - girls out with their dad and it feels like a Friday evening, so lurking around MWO to remind myself that I prefer not drinking.
I saw the notes about Kombucha - after reading here I had also decided - I found Reeds Kombucha in two choices and not sure which one I like best - hibiscus, ginger & grapefruit and passion, mango & ginger. They are my "special" drink now and it was a nice reminder so went to pour one - sadly a bottle of salad dressing fell out and broke on the tile floor - so really feeling like a Friday night now:H:H but will wake without a hangover!
It is so great to see so much success on this thread - really is a great group of ladies on a mission - and though I post rarely, I read some of the thread most days, and it gives me strength...
Happy July 4th to all who will celebrate and please continue to fight the good fight - and I will too:l:l

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

narilly;1678326 wrote: Hey, I was listening to the new bubble hour on a Freedom. One of the things they talked about was having drinking thoughts in the back of you're mind. Thinking that you have quit AL But if xxx happens you will give yourself permission to drink. We have to make sure we are not hiding these kind of thoughts in our head. We need to be ready to deal with life AL free and really Feel the emotions we have to feel. That's life, right?

Nar - This was really interesting to me. So far, I haven't experienced this, but I can see how it might sneak into my mind. The thing that's harder for me right now is when I get hit out of the blue by something and think about drinking to escape it.

lifechange;1678354 wrote: I feel so lucky to have such close friends.

LC - That was so great that you were able to help the woman who was being harassed. And to have such close friends is very fortunate indeed. I have a few very close friends but none of them live nearby so we mostly don't get together in person very often. I'm really missing my old network of friends and am trying to rebuild it, but it takes time, and sometimes I feel very alone (one of my biggest AL triggers).

little beagle;1678407 wrote:
This is our freedom day. Freedom from alcohol, regrets, anxiety, self loathing, yeah.
I am celebrating more then our country this weekend as you can tell.

LB - I love this: our freedom day. And yes, freedom from all the crappy things you listed. I will have to keep reminding myself of this. Enjoy the dude ranch!

Pavati;1678528 wrote:
Wags - Hope you get some good paddles in this weekend. Do you to training out of the boat? I have a friend who paddles and even did the Molokai race in Hawaii - I can't remember how long that was, but a long time. The boat switches were unbelievable looking with bobbing heads lost in the trenches of the waves. I imagine the warm water was nice, though...

Pav - I just got home from this evening's paddling practice. We did some hard stuff, but we were paddling in right near a big music festival that's happening this weekend, so that part was kind of fun. It's hard work but there's something very zen and meditative about being on the water. I'd love to do the Molokai race someday!

j-vo - Glad your vacation is continuing to go so well, and especially happy to hear how much you loved the kayaking. That was my first paddling love. Getting out on the ocean is especially beautiful. Enjoy it again if you can!

[little beagle]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Wondeeful post J-vo. Glad you ARE having a wonderful time, regret free.
Jane I hate those 10-2's. As far as teaching young men to communicate? I'm still trying to teach an older man. Maybe you'll be able to help them grow into better men by teaching them that skill. What a wonderful thought.
The famous line in Braveheart. FREEDOM!!

[scottish lass]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

PS j-vo, just read your holiday thread again, and I love it - it sums a lot up - and gives me so much hope for my holiday that is coming up soon....very wonderful words, and I plan to go kayaking by myself too....

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Ok, so I'm somewhat surprised by this but I'm kind of struggling right now, and I'm not totally sure why. I went to paddling practice this evening and only had a so-so performance, partly due to the paddling of the person in front of me. So that was a bit of a bummer. Then it turned out that it was one of the long-timer's birthdays today, so the coach and a few others on the team decided to go take the birthday woman out for drinks. I'm new to the team and not totally "in" the group yet, so I wasn't invited, but honestly I'm not sure what I would have done if I had been.

So now I'm in a bit of a funk. On the way home, I found myself thinking about tomorrow and thinking about drinking. Where did that come from? As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm missing my old friends network (I moved across the country a few years ago to care for my mom before she passed away, and now I'm in a new city). I'm really reaching out to try to develop a new network, but this beginning time is hard and lonely. I wish I had been included this eve, sort of. But it would have been really hard to go out "for drinks" with this new group and not drink, so it's probably better I wasn't invited.

I don't think I'll really consider drinking tomorrow, but it scared me how it popped into my mind so unexpectedly, and it scared me even more that I actually entertained the idea for a bit. The idea isn't totally gone now (probably about 80%).

I'm hoping I'll get a good night's sleep and wake up and workout and spend the 4th of July sober. It's just really obvious to me that loneliness is one of my biggest triggers right now, and I guess I'm feeling lonely. :upset:

[Ginger999]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Shoot Wag, Sorry you are feeling that way. It is scary as hell, isn't it? Like all of a sudden there it is. Ugh... Sorry about your Mom. Can you move back to your old friends now?

I had a little blip tonight too. Hubs had a gin martini and when I walked in the kitchen I could smell it and all of a sudden I was like Pavlav's dog drooling for gin! I don't even like martinis! I quickly made my soda and lime and chugged it and the feeling passed but it reminded me of how fragile my quit is.

Thinking about you!

[available]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Wag,
A: you didnt drink so cudos to you. You are right tomorrow is another day. I had that thought of a glass or 20 of wine last night as i was cleaning out the wardrobe and i find now that that thought gently sits in my brain, not really pushing me to drink but just there to annoy the crap out of me and to make me feel really restless and unsettled. It is gone in the morning which is the good news. I do feel deprived but i know and realise how damn lucky i am that i am not drinking and for that i have to be grateful as bugger having another day 1 and god forbid coming on here to get sympathy when i would probably prefer to be shot.

Are you lonely maybe? Listen to some music and dance girl or watch a funny movie. Its normal to be down even when not drinking so maybe its just a day that wont be repeated the next.

go and search for "you know your an alcoholic when". Really really a great read from us alkies.

Big hugs.

Ginger my boys made me smell some vodka last night with something in it and i was like "yew" but mind you i try and not sniff al if i can avoid it. Like i try and avoid sniffing glue to and petrol.

[lifechange]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Good Morning, Ladies!
This will be very quick as I've had a heck of a time getting onto MWO this am.

Wags, :l:l:l I wish I was still up in Seattle right now to give you a hug in person-or to go paddling-or to have a nice coffee and scone. I know what you mean about how being lonely and feeling left out can be big triggers. In writing that, though, I had to think about how much more lonely I am when I'm drinking. I hope you make some nice plans for yourself today and are able to really enjoy, on a deep level, your Freedom.

Wishing all of you in the U.S. a happy 4th! And all of us, like LB said, a wonderful day of Freedom!

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Ava, Ginger, LC - Thanks for reaching out. I didn't drink last night, and I'm firmer in my resolve to not drink today. It was scary how fast and sudden the big urge hit me though, especially because I've been feeling so good lately.

I think the deeper issue is loneliness and feeling like I don't fit in at this point, as I have very little family and am still working at building my new network of friends. The trigger yesterday was probably a combo of things. I've really been enjoying the paddling team I joined, especially because it's a social and physical activity that doesn't involve alcohol. Last night I think I felt left out, even though my rational brain knew it wasn't personal - most of the team didn't go out for drinks. I think it just highlighted for me that I'm new and not yet really "part" of the tighter group yet. Ouch!

It was also unexpected that they went out specifically for drinks, although I don't know why. I've been in somewhat of a sober bubble recently, and last night I faced the reality that this new group I want to feel like I belong to does in fact socialize around AL. They also socialize through FB, and I hate FB. Damn. I still want to paddle with them, but I might have to re-assess the type of social role they will play in my life. Too soon to tell, and not the emotional time to make that kind of decision, just things I'm musing about.

All of this together just bummed me out, and I think my knee jerk reaction was to have a drink. So glad I didn't. I even woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and I remember thinking as I rolled over to get up, "Wow, I'm SOOOO glad I'm not feeling the regret and physical aftermath of drinking right now" (having felt that way many many times in the past of course).

I'll be ok, just feeling a little down, maybe more acutely so because it's in contrast to feeling so good lately.

Thank you all so much for being here, for listening, and for offering out hands and hugs. I love how we do this for each other, and I really appreciate being able to reach out to you all last night.

[wagmore]

Ladies on a Mission: The Official Site

Ava, Ginger, LC - Thanks for reaching out. I didn't drink last night, and I'm firmer in my resolve to not drink today. It was scary how fast and sudden the big urge hit me though, especially because I've been feeling so good lately.

I think the deeper issue is loneliness and feeling like I don't fit in at this point, as I have very little family and am still working at building my new network of friends. The trigger yesterday was probably a combo of things. I've really been enjoying the paddling team I joined, especially because it's a social and physical activity that doesn't involve alcohol. Last night I think I felt left out, even though my rational brain knew it wasn't personal - most of the team didn't go out for drinks. I think it just highlighted for me that I'm new and not yet really "part" of the tighter group yet. Ouch!

It was also unexpected that they went out specifically for drinks, although I don't know why. I've been in somewhat of a sober bubble recently, and last night I faced the reality that this new group I want to feel like I belong to does in fact socialize around AL. They also socialize through FB, and I hate FB. Damn. I still want to paddle with them, but I might have to re-assess the type of social role they will play in my life. Too soon to tell, and not the emotional time to make that kind of decision, just things I'm musing about.

All of this together just bummed me out, and I think my knee jerk reaction was to have a drink. So glad I didn't. I even woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and I remember thinking as I rolled over to get up, "Wow, I'm SOOOO glad I'm not feeling the regret and physical aftermath of drinking right now" (having felt that way many many times in the past of course).

I'll be ok, just feeling a little down, maybe more acutely so because it's in contrast to feeling so good lately.

Thank you all so much for being here, for listening, and for offering out hands and hugs. I love how we do this for each other, and I really appreciate being able to reach out to you all last night.